Well, I mean, I can criticize my parents for this, but they didn’t have a lot of choice in the matter.
I was a farm kid without the large farm family. There was a limited pool of babysitters to choose from, and the one they could get wasn’t a trained professional, just a woman with learning disabilities who still lived at home. So from the start I was having junk food.
Then I was a latch-key kid at 9, so supper consisted of stuff like chicken nuggets.
I can’t really say much about my parents regarding my weight. They married young and had kids young so they really didn’t know much about cooking. My brother and I were raised on frozen pizza and hamburger helper type stuff and it wasn’t until I hit high school and my brother hit middle school that they started really keeping fruits and vegetables in the house and by that time it was too late. They still pander to my brother and his dietary preferences, which is hilarious to be on the phone with my mom while she is cooking for the family and hear her tell my brother that he doesn’t have to eat stir-fry because she is making him chicken nuggets. They did, and still do, the best they know how and I can’t fault them for doing what they thought was right.
In the end I don’t know how much diet has to do with weight anyway. I mean, obviously it does have some impact but between us my eating habits are significantly better than my brother’s yet I am obese and he is built like a body builder. He hasn’t eaten anything that isn’t a meat/grain/GNC supplement in probably 5 or 6 years, avoiding rickets and scurvy only by taking multi-vitamins. I love fruit and lean meats and I make sure to have vegetables every day even though I’m not a big fan. I eat a lot though, especially too much sugar, so I am the fat one and he is the “healthy” one because he isn’t overweight. I’ve actually had people encourage me to be more like my brother to try and lose weight which makes me laugh to myself because I don’t think liquor, ham, wonder bread, bulk-up powder supplements, and a flintstone’s vitamin would keep me any healthier than being fat with a more well-rounded diet.
I have extended family that falls into this very pattern. Two of the kids are tall and reed-thin like their dad; the other two, short and very pudgy like their mom.
All four of them do very well at school and are involved in sports.
They eat “well” too – there’s the occasional treat, yes, but by and far their parents know what’s good vs. bad and plan meals accordingly.
I could have written this whole post. That was one of the major things I would criticize my parents for - they absolutely singled me out for comments about my weight and “are you sure you need seconds” type comments. My brother ate near constantly and never got a comment about it. To be fair, he was underweight for most of his childhood and probably needed the calories, but it would have been nice if there wasn’t constant attention drawn to it.
I graduated high school at 5’6" and 145 pounds. Looking at photos I was never skinny, but I was never really fat either. But thanks to the constant scrutiny of my diet I thought of myself as terribly fat and unattractive. I think that feeling had more long-term effects than being overweight would have had.
I don’t blame my parents for making me fat – realistically, I’m probably always going to be fat unless I was actually unable to get food to eat. I was put on my first diet as an infant, before my first birthday. I work out and try to eat right and have for years, but I’m still fat. Less fat, certainly, in better shape, and I score well on those yearly medical tests they give you at work, but still quite overweight. I still try to lose weight, but I don’t really do it to be thin – I do it to keep making improvements, but with the expectation that I probably will never be a tiny person.
The biggest thing for me, though, was it really got out of hand due to some issues with my dad. My dad hated that I was overweight as a kid and made me feel like I was so horribly different and awful. Looking at pictures, sure, I was a chubby kid, but he made me feel like a total outcast about it. This made me think that I was too different to ever be thin – I couldn’t just, you know, diet and exercise a little, I had to give up anything good to eat ever and do tons of exercise that I came to hate (largely because he used it as a punishment). So, as a kid, I honestly just couldn’t imagine making it work, that I could ever live a healthy lifestyle at all, because it was drilled into me at a very young age that I was unacceptably fat (and lazy, and etc.) It took me a long time to get over that, in the ways that I have as an adult. The biggest thing was the fear and shame – I was terrified of going to the gym well into my 20s because I just assumed people would mock me. Imagine my surprise when I found that most people ignored me, and the people that didn’t were nearly always extremely supportive.
In my opinion, learning to live a healthy lifestyle and manage your weight is a skill. Because of genetics, some people are better than others, just because it’s easier for them (the “oh, I just cut back from 3 donuts a day to 2 and I lost all the weight easily” crowd). If you think of a kid who doesn’t do as well academically, what would you do? You’d work with them, give extra time and energy to teaching. You’d try to work with them or motivate them. If the kid honestly says they don’t care? Well, I said that, too – but I did care, very much. It was just a defense mechanism because I was tired of feeling hurt all the time.
I mean, to me it’s common sense, but I guess to him it wasn’t – don’t be negative all the time. My dad used to take the whole family out to the bakery after church, and let my sisters pick pastries from the case – but of course he’d either not let me do it, or scold me for it, or express disappointment in me that I wanted one. He’d find ways to criticize me frequently when eating (I’d always take too much, or of the wrong thing), and be angry if I said I was hungry – this led to a big habit of sneaking food and emotional eating. I would eat even when I wasn’t hungry if he was around if I could manage it, because I knew he might just decide I didn’t need to eat anything. It gave me a lot of anxiety, where in high school and college I used to carry food around all the time, just because I hated to go hungry so badly. Obviously, don’t call the kid names or let others do so, or make the kid exercise when you’re angry. Just don’t single the kid out or make proper diet and exercise a constant negative thing. Keep in mind that the kid is probably getting picked on by people at school, or others – hell, I got picked on by adults my parents age for my weight countless times as a kid. Oh, they were trying to be “funny”. It wasn’t so funny if I said something snide about their personal weaknesses, of course. It’s kind of baffling how we treat fat kids.
On the other hand my mom in general tried very hard to be supportive. Like I said, I’m sure I was difficult about it because it was hard for me, and I’m sure I probably wouldn’t have been thin no matter what. I just wish it didn’t have to be such a difficult ride and that I could have controlled things a bit better earlier in life by not having all of this negative emotional baggage going on with it. In the end I (and the rest of my immediate family) are now estranged from my dad, and I don’t think he’s a very good person, but in his own way I think he was trying to help. Needless to say, I don’t think it did at all.
One thing I would say to do is teach the kid about exercise in a positive way. I don’t know why, but we don’t do a great job of teaching kids how to use gym equipment and actually do the kind of stuff we do as adults. I also think it’s a good idea to try to find active things to do as a family – obviously, try not to make it a “We’re doing this for <X kid with the weight problem>!” thing, but rather a “Hey, we’re not going to sit around all day, let’s go out and <do something active>!” Even though teenagers will probably whine no matter what it is, exposing kids – in a positive way – to fitness activities is teaching them how to do it on their own later in life.
I hope every parent reads these posts, especially the last few ones. I’m not sure the solution to helping obese children is clear yet, but it is apparent that parents can really fuck up their kids by making a big deal out of their weight. I just hope my mother keeps her yap shut around the girls. Grandmothers can be vicious sometimes.
I am very lucky that I didn’t turn out to be a fat kid, because I could totally see my parents giving me a hard time about it. Especially my father.
A few years ago, I was 25-30 pounds heavier than I am now. I’m very slender now, so I wasn’t overweight then. I was a size 8–the same size I’d been forever. But I guess I had gained a few pounds since the last time he’d seen me. I had gone from doing physically demanding work to sitting in the office all day. So I had some extra pounds, particularly in my face.
My twin sister, however, was (and still is) quite svelte at the time. So when we stood side-by-side, of course I looked all blimpo and she looked like a super model.
My father said something about it jokingly (my parents and their dumb sense of humor!) and it completely tore me up inside. I was depressed the whole visit afterwards despite it being the only instance anyone had ever made an issue of my weight.
So I can only imagine how it would be to live your whole life with that pressure.
Now my father insists that I’m anorexic and kind of yelled at me the last time I saw him because I didn’t want any of his stupid fried chicken! It’s like you can’t win.
monstro I too have read this thread with interest. As I think you know I am very interested professionally in how to help prevent obesity, and believe that doing such is much more likely to have more long term societal health impacts than attempting to treat obesity.
There are some things that have been made clear by the research that has been done (cites available if you want them), some of which are just commonsense, but some that are not so obvious:
The predisposition to become obese, if placed in an obesiogenic environment, has a strong genetic basis, and our modern society is, in general, obesiogenic. The fact that two kids, both raised in the same household, have divergent outcomes, one thin, one overweight, is no surprise.
Early exposure (infancy through preschool) to sweetened beverages, such as more than a few ounces of juice a day, is obesiogenic. The same can be said of the whole host of added sucrose and fructose syrup edible food-like substances that surround kids both in their homes and in their friends homes and even in their preschools. Parents do have control over what is in the household at least.
Parents can help create an environment that encourages regular exercise by spending a fair amount of time actively playing with their children. Limiting television and other electronic entertainment device time. Modeling walking places or riding a bike rather than taking the car.
Family meals during everyone is encouraged to take small portions knowing they take more if they are still hungry and no one is encouraged to clean the plate other than by dumping it in the sink.
Shaming an overweight child is counterproductive, as is encouraging a child to go on a “diet”. The goal is to develop healthy habits, not to diet.
The parenting style that works (and these facts deserve the cites) is authoritative, not authoritarian, nor permissive nor disengaged. And father’s may play a key role.
FYI
Here is how those styles are defined.
I’d be curious to know how the various adult Dopers felt their parents fit into those types (no one is likely to fit any of the styles perfectly) and how it matches with their personal outcomes.
Happily, my mom was authoritarian on 98% of parenting issues. My weight fell under the 2% of subjects on which she was totally unreasonable. My father died when I was 9, and it wasn’t until afterwards that Mom got that particular bee in her bonnet, so the added stress on her, me, and the whole family probably played a role. Plus, Mom was less “distracted” by Daddy’s illness, and that was around the time that I began to develop curves in preparation for menarche, so there were a bunch of contributing factors.
My mother has struggled with her weight all her life, and my father put on weight shortly after one of my sisters died. My mother has always had some very odd perceptions about food and eating. When I was a kid, I was mostly slim with muscles, because I was fairly active, more active than most girls of my age. Every now and then I’d put on five or ten extra pounds, but shortly afterwards I’d have a growth spurt, so I was no longer really overweight.
Even at a young age, though, I had some nasty issues with IBS. I didn’t know what it was at the time, I just knew that if I ate certain things, my stomach would hurt and I’d usually have a lot of diarrhea. Vomiting was usually optional. My mother refused to believe that the foods would cause this problem, and she was determined that I WOULD eat the raw onions, or the steak coated with peppercorns, or whatever it was. I’d eat it, I’d be miserable, and sometimes I’d vomit…in which case she’d accuse me of forcing myself to do this.
If she was on a diet, EVERYONE in the family went on that diet, except for my little brother. She usually didn’t go on extremely faddish diets, but the diets she did choose were bad enough. My little brother was the only boy, and he very nearly died after he was born, because he was three months premature, back when babies that premature almost never survived. So he usually got whatever he wanted. My sister and I got the authoritative parenting style, while my brother had his every wish indulged. It’s odd that my parents changed their style so dramatically.
There were all kinds of rules as to what we could eat, and when, and how many times we had to chew each mouthful. And she was jealous, I think, that my surviving sister and I didn’t have the weight problems that she’d had when she was growing up. Our grandparents did give us candy, and we had candy occasionally at Xmas and Easter and Halloween, but for the most part we ate what my mother liked that was allowed on her diet. Because even if SHE was the only one on the diet at the time, by Og, she wasn’t going to cook anything that she couldn’t have, even if the rest of the family would have enjoyed it. Unless, of course, it was my brother who wanted something.
As a young adult, I was pretty much slender and well proportioned. A combination of a baby, hurting my back, and my knee going out on me (from an old injury playing sports as a kid) kept me from being as active as I would have liked. Then, I was put on antidepressants, and started gaining weight.
My mother took my weight gain as a personal affront, despite the fact that I hadn’t been living with her for years. Every time I’d visit her, she would make nasty remarks. I finally quit visiting, and when she asked, I told her that I was tired of being sniped at every time she saw me. She swore that she’d change, if I’d just come see her again. She actually did change, for the most part, although I could tell that sometimes she would start to make a remark and then bite her tongue. I have to give her credit for that.
I quit taking antidepressants, and I’ve been losing weight slowly but surely. Maybe I’ll never be slender again, but I’ve lost over a third of my body weight.
Oh my god yes. Both my brother and I had to have our two front baby teeth removed because of bottle rot - with juice. You’d think Mom would have learned her lesson with the first kid!
Heh. My inlaws would give the babies (UNWEANED babies, mind you) bottles of “JellO water” (JellO that hasn’t been chilled, so it stays liquid) or sweetened iced tea. Yeah, THAT’S really nutritious! And then they’d wonder why their kids all had rotten teeth. They put those babies to bed with bottles of JellO water or sweet tea.
I’d criticise my mother for ignorance and my father for not being there!!
My mother still hasn’t quite got the concept of excess calories = weight gain … and her ability to identify when/where/what are excess calories is sometimes amusing (she was told to not eat fat for a couple of days because of a medical issue … in her opinion eggs don’t have fat, neither does bread!). I do think this is a reflection of medical knowledge at the time and the understanding of what was healthy (‘normal’ body weight children look sick to my mother).
Neither of my parents were sporty and we were never encourage to do physical activity, we were actively discouraged from taking up sports/activities that might require transport or their time.
I look at photos of myself at a young child and wonder why that could not have been prevented? I kno,w once you have access to other food, that parents can’t completely control intake but from a very young age I was always podgy.
We were taught to clean our plates no matter what (serving size and its relation to your body and excercise useage were not even considered), eat before you were hungry just in case you didn’t have food later, take food with you on trips and to reward yourself with food.
I’d also criticise my Mum for making tasty food … damn her! If she hadn’t been a decent cook and used food to express her love … I could have grown up hating food and not placing such a huge importance on it. We were never fed ‘junk’ food … more often gourmet meals made from scratch … full of cream, cheese and butter … lots of butter!
I don’t have children and it has always worried me that I would never be able to teach them decent food habits and lifestyle, because I’ve still not mastered that in adulthood. Then again … all my pets are lean and fit … no way am I having pets that look like their podgy owner!!
I’d criticise my parents for making me feel like I was worthless because I was overweight. I was adopted into a family of tall skinny people and ate a much more restricted diet than any of them, yet I continued to be fat. I was constantly rebuked for being fat, denied treats that others in my family were given, and was basically made to feel that being fat was the worst possible thing to be in life.
The sad thing about it is that I when I look back at photos of me, I wasn’t as fat as I was made to feel I was.
I became bulimic as a teenager and the difference in how my mother treated me was amazing. Suddenly she wanted to take me into town and buy me clothes and do mother/daughter things.
Before this starts to sound very depressing, my mother has apologised to me as an adult for her behaviour.
I grew up in a food=comfort and also reward family. My grandparents were in on it too. “Straight A’s? That’s great. I’ll make a cake!” Didn’t get the part you wanted in the school play? Have an extra dish of ice cream.
Also, none of them were all that aware of nutrition. Vegetables were canned and served in tiny portions next to heaps of mashed potatoes or a loaded baked potato and (often fried) large portions of meat.
My mother was always thin, in spite of the fried + starchathon. She herself despised exercise or sport of any kind and didn’t encourage us.
Since we were home alone after school, and not out riding bikes or playing tennis we ate. And ate.
Our mom always told us we were beautiful, even when she was taking us to Lane Bryant to buy school clothes.
To this day my stress response is to grab chips or cookies and shove them into my face at an alarming rate while I’m deciding what to cook myself. I’ve tried keeping a lot less of that stuff in my house but I have been known to make frantic trips to convenience stores when things seem really out of control. I’ve done pretty well in the last two years recognizing and avoiding eating out of sheer boredom. But I will still eat an 8" Carvel cake by myself if things get bad enough in my head.
So, I’ve worked hard not to make food much more than fuel to my son. We have snacks and desserts, but we talk about including protein and vegetables and fiber in our meals. He helps me plan meals, and also shop. He also has the advantage of preferring his bread (and everything else) without butter, not really liking cheese other than mozzarella on pizza, and preferring his salads with just a splash of italian dressing - no ranch for him.
Another criticism I’d make of my mom’s approach to food is that she never cooked us anything she didn’t like herself and she hardly likes anything. I didn’t have rice or anything with bell peppers until I went to college, or at friends’ houses. She never served us fish. The only vegetables she likes are corn, carrots, and green beans.
The snack thing drives me nuts. I teach Sunday school. I have the kids for less than ONE HOUR and there is the all important snack - its small - a tiny glass of lemonade and six pretzels or something - but really? And I have Girl Scouts - I’ve never given my Scouts snacks, but there is a LOT of pressure to give them snacks during a two hour meeting. We are generally too busy for snacks, they make a mess, they hit our tight budget, and the girls don’t need them! They get them when the meeting has something to do with food (which it sometimes does).
But there lunches at school are so screwed up. This year my son’s lunch at school starts at 9:50am. He gets out of school at 2:30 and then does activities/sports until either 3:30 or 4:30. My daughter goes to the same school - she doesn’t eat until 1pm - she has lunch, then her last hour of class. And because they catch the bus at 6:45 am, her class is encouraged to bring a snack for 3rd period - many of the kids don’t eat breakfast. The upshot is that she needs a snack for before lunch because 6:30am to 1pm is too big a gap (and for a lot of kids its "dinner the night before to 1pm) - he needs one for after school - because 10am to 5pm is too big a gap.
OK, with schedules like that I could see how snack time would be necessary.
Yeah, I have no idea how they did it, but several of the schools in our district have lunchrooms so small that to feel all the kids, the kids start eating before ten and eat until 2pm. The principals know this is a huge problem, but what can you do when you don’t have the capacity to feed in less than a four hour period?
I never went to any schools that had a lunchroom for the whole school that was used by all the kids. I went to school in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada - so I’m not sure if this is a US/Canada difference, or if it’s just a choice my school district or individual schools made. As a result of this, all kids had the same schedule for breaks (morning recess, lunch, and afternoon recess in elementary school, and in junior high/high school just a short “locker break” and lunch).
In elementary school, all the kids ate lunch in their “homeroom” (i.e. the classroom with your homeroom teacher and where you had the majority of your core classes taught). Eating lunch in your homeroom was supervised by an adult (usually a parent volunteer, who I think might have been paid a small amount to supervise lunch and lunch recess).
In junior high (grade 7-9), some kids ate in homeroom, some just hung out in the halls and ate. I think there was a tiny “lunchroom” in the school basement where there was a concession that sold prepackaged junk food (no hot food), but most people didn’t eat there. Actually, I often didn’t eat lunch at school in junior high because my house was less than two blocks away, so I usually went home for lunch.
In high school (grade 10-12), there was a lunchroom/cafeteria at my school, but most kids never ate there - I think it could have sat only maybe 200 kids, with a school population of 1,200. The cafeteria sold packaged junk food, burgers, fries, nachos, etc… But most kids I knew rarely ate there - just now and then as a treat. Most kids ate in groups with their friends in the hallway, or there would be a few classrooms open where you could sit and eat, and there were benches and tables outside that you could use if the weather was nice.
I know that since I graduated in the late 90s, things have changed somewhat in that recently my old school board has been phasing out “junk food” in vending machines and cafeterias. I’m not sure exactly what they’re replacing it with though. IMHO, replacing chocolate bars with “granola bars” that are basically glorified candy is not a huge improvement.
I’m sure that is a U.S. Canada difference. 60% of the kids in my kids’ school are on free/reduced lunch - the school is responsible for feeding over half of them every day. And they absolutely cannot break confidentiality on which kids are on free/reduced lunch - so there isn’t a “60% of the kids go to the cafeteria” option.