# Dopers: Rules of Politeness? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 7, 2013, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317 "2013-11-07T07:08:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/1 "2013-11-07T07:08:42Z")
There is a thread going on in the Pit on Manners/Politeness: > **[Manners/Politeness](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=706997)** > > Does anyone else feel frustrated and annoyed when others refuse or forget to be courteous when responding to a question, sometimes on a continual basis? Examples include: Not saying “how about you?” after you ask them how they are, not wishing you... The result is that relatively few people seem to agree with the OP about the one rule he specifically mentioned: Speaker 1. How are you? Speaker 2. Fine, and you? So I am interested in what Dopers consider to be the most important rules of politeness. Or should one just read “Dear Abby”? ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/2 "2013-11-07T11:25:20Z")
It took me until I was about 30 before I realized that “How’re you doing?” was not, in fact, a question.b ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/3 "2013-11-07T12:20:46Z")
Say ‘Please’, it costs you nothing, and makes you sound well reared. When you don’t, people think you were raised by wolves, or are some kind of unschooled redneck posing as a civilized person. No, ‘Thank you!’, does not negate the need for a please. And yes, even if you’re asking someone for something that could be part of their job description, like a librarian, for a book, or a store clerk a price. It is one syllable, just do it. Like your mother taught you. (Just my opinion, no need to froth at the mouth!) ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/4 "2013-11-07T12:33:35Z")
I didn’t read the thread in the pit. IMHO the core of manners/politeness from which flow all of the rules, conventions, and protocols is the realization and acceptance of the fact that you are not the only friggin’ person on the face of the earth AND that other people matter. From there, extrapolate. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/5 "2013-11-07T12:40:09Z")
1. Don’t be an ass. 2. Hello/Goodbye. 3. Please/Thank you. 4. May I/Can I? 5. Hold the door/Give up seat. 6. Let cars merge in traffic/Observe right of way/Keep right/Pass on left/just drive. 7. Your mother doesn’t work here - clean your mess. 8. Curb your dog/children. 9. Tip your server. …etc… 10. Reciprocation to a "How are you? is optional. A reply of “Thank you” is acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/6 "2013-11-07T12:42:36Z")
Following rules of etiquette are fine. But acting as if those rules are engraved on holy tablets sent down from the heavens is NOT fine. Not everyone is raised in the same culture and even in the same culture, people do things differently. For instance, in the South it is considered polite to “speak” to people, even strangers, who you pass on the street. In other locales, this is not polite and may even be considered rude. Depending on who’s asking and where we are, I might respond to “How are you doing?” with “Fine”, “Fine, and you?” and “Hello.” People are free to think I am rude for not following the “rule” down to the letter, and I am free to think of them as no-life-having pedants who just want to be offended. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/7 "2013-11-07T12:48:02Z")
Do you seriously believe people only speak to strangers in the South? I live up north and routinely speak to strangers, and am spoken to by them. I’m going to ask for a cite, for people being spoken to by a stranger, and taking offence. (Nut jobs obviously excluded. No one cares for that, I think!) ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/8 "2013-11-07T12:48:06Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > 1. Don’t be an ass. > 2. Hello/Goodbye. > 3. Please/Thank you. > 4. May I/Can I? > 5. Hold the door/Give up seat. > 6. Let cars merge in traffic/Observe right of way/Keep right/Pass on left/just drive. > 7. Your mother doesn’t work here - clean your mess. > 8. Curb your dog/children. > 9. Tip your server. > …etc… > 10. Reciprocation to a "How are you? is optional. A reply of “Thank you” is acceptable. I thought there were 285 Rules of Politeness. Or was that Aquisition? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/9 "2013-11-07T12:50:46Z")
Small thank-you gifts really bug me. I do nice things for people. Wonderful, gimme a ribbon. But sometimes people thank me for what I’ve done with a token of their appreciation. If I forget to thank them, I’m being rude. I’d just as soon go without the token than to be put in the position of “owing a thanks” which I often forget due to simple forgetfulness. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/10 "2013-11-07T12:54:32Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > I thought there were 285 Rules of Politeness. Or was that Aquisition? Maybe you’re thinking of [George Washington’s Rules of Civility](http://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Rules_of_Civility_and_Decent_Behaviour_in_Company_and_Conversation)? ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/11 "2013-11-07T13:00:04Z")
I would go as far as to say that the custom of asking ‘How are you?’ without wanting an honest response (instead, a formulaic positive one) and i_nsisting_ that this question is then returned for more of the same, is quite rude, in being hollow and disingenuous. At the very least it devalues actual expressions of concern over someone else’s well-being. I think that compassion, empathy and minimal self-absorption are more polite than thoughtless, pseudo-mannered routines. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/12 "2013-11-07T14:41:58Z")
I wonder if someone who was NOT raised with Jewish grandparents, great aunts/uncles, elderly cousins, parents, aunts & uncles would feel differently about the “How are you?” issue than those who were. Cause, over time, some people learn to avoid poking a hornet’s nest with their putz. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/13 "2013-11-07T14:55:42Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > The result is that relatively few people seem to agree with the OP about the one rule he specifically mentioned: > Speaker 1. How are you? > Speaker 2. Fine, and you? I was in my twenties when my mother pointed out to me that I always answered “How are you” with “Fine”, and that the proper answer was “Fine, and how are you?” It was a :smack: moment for me, and I was totally embarrassed that it had never occurred to me to reciprocate. I’m surprised now that y’all are saying it’s not expected. Pleasantly surprised, though. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/14 "2013-11-07T15:06:52Z")
> [@Staggerlee](#): > > I would go as far as to say that the custom of asking ‘How are you?’ without wanting an honest response (instead, a formulaic positive one) and i_nsisting_ that this question is then returned for more of the same, is quite rude, in being hollow and disingenuous. At the very least it devalues actual expressions of concern over someone else’s well-being. > > I think that compassion, empathy and minimal self-absorption are more polite than thoughtless, pseudo-mannered routines. This cracks me up, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve witnessed this at work: Guy1: S’up? (What’s up) Guy2: S’up? Neither one of these guys answered the other’s questions! Should we consider this a rude double play? ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/15 "2013-11-07T15:14:58Z")
Despite what Miss Manners says, etiquette isn’t just about making everyone comfortable. It’s about imposing the social hierarchy. The classic tale to illustrate her interpretation if etiquette’s true function is of the rube who ignorantly picked up his finger bowl and sipped from it, at which the saintly, gracious hostess picked hers up and did the same so that her guest wouldn’t feel stupid. In real life, that’s the last time that person would be invited, or his existence even acknowledged. In between the collapse of the old order and the rise of the yuppie Domestic Goddess, there was an era when “manners” were replaced by “cool.” But they were really always the same thing. It isn’t cool to flaunt your good manners, and vice verse. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/16 "2013-11-07T16:31:26Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Do you seriously believe people only speak to strangers in the South? I live up north and routinely speak to strangers, and am spoken to by them. > > I’m going to ask for a cite, for people being spoken to by a stranger, and taking offence. (Nut jobs obviously excluded. No one cares for that, I think!) Sorry, my cite is my experience. I grew up in the Deep South and did time in both NJ and Miami, and now I live in the South again. There are differences in how people relate to strangers in all of these places. If you re-read what I wrote, I didn’t say anything about the South being the “only” anything. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/17 "2013-11-07T17:57:47Z")
Definitely “Please” and “Thank you”. Behaving civilly even if you hate mornings, meetings, weddings and so on. You don’t have to be a hippy happy chatterbox, but at least behave in a reasonably normal way. I had the MOST unpleasant (and probably oddest in my 20plus years in the industry) working experience with a young woman (she was just shy of 30 years old if that makes any difference). Field jobs require some pretty unpleasant circumstances, slogging through mud, swamp areas, early morning hours to late evening hours. Sunburn, frostnip, and so on. Those in the industry are 99 and 44/100 % of the time, adults about it. On this particular field job it was required that we be on site in the early morning hours, so around 6am at the latest. Now I HATE mornings, especially early mornings, with a passion, but I could still muster up a reasonable “ugh, this sucks huh?” and a weak bleary smile as we drove out for the day. This young woman wouldn’t say a SINGLE. BLESSED. WORD. Wouldn’t even sit down at the hotel breakfast at the same table. Not even an “I’m sorry, I’m just brainless in the morning, give me a little while” type comment, or a rueful grunt/chuckle. Just stony faced, grouchy silence, a sulky demeanor that would put most toddlers and their tantrums to shame. The worst part? She did the same thing to the CLIENT! This was a college graduate, someone with a University professor background, so she once communicated for a living. wow. and… Ugh! ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/18 "2013-11-07T18:07:44Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > I was in my twenties when my mother pointed out to me that I always answered “How are you” with “Fine”, and that the proper answer was “Fine, and how are you?” It was a :smack: moment for me, and I was totally embarrassed that it had never occurred to me to reciprocate. To be fair, though, I’ve had people say “How are you?” in situations (such as passing one another on the sidewalk) where they wouldn’t have had an opportunity to hear or respond to anything beyond “Fine.” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/19 "2013-11-07T18:17:48Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > I was in my twenties when my mother pointed out to me that I always answered “How are you” with “Fine”, and that the proper answer was “Fine, and how are you?” It was a :smack: moment for me, and I was totally embarrassed that it had never occurred to me to reciprocate. I tend to always have “Fine. How are you?” pre-loaded whenever someone approaches me, which often leads to the awkward exchange of: Them: “Good morning!” Me: “Fine. How are you?” Luckily, the great majority of people either don’t notice or are polite enough to just let it go. ---
**Author:** ![AllShookDown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d9b06d/32.png) [@AllShookDown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AllShookDown)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2013, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317/20 "2013-11-07T18:33:24Z")
One of my favorite lines from The Wire is: Don’t just say “No” to drugs, motherfucker. Say, “No, thank you!” In our family the most important rules are please, thank you _and_ no, thank you. I was so tickled a couple of years ago when I heard my adult nephew correct his teenaged son on the “no, thank you” point. It grates on my nerves when I hear someone getting a blunt “No” after they ask someone else if they want or need something. That applies to people doing their jobs as well as people going out of their way to be nice. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-rules-of-politeness/673317.md?page=2)