# Dr. Seuss in The Onion: "Stop Making Movies About My Books" **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 2, 2008, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700 "2008-04-02T18:34:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/1 "2008-04-02T18:34:35Z")
[This](http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/stop_making_movies_about_my) may be the best thing The Onion has published in the last three years. > [@](#): > > On the fourteenth of March, in towns nationwide, > In every cinema, multiplex, on every barnside, > Gleamed another adapting of one of my books, > CGI-ed and digitized by another sly crook. > > Horton, my favorite—look how he’s been treated! > Stuffed with tinsels and tassels and promptly excreted! > The puns! And the filler! The script fees you must save! > While I tumble and grum-humble around in my grave. > > Did you learn all but squat from The Cat In The Hat? > Please tell me you fired the prick who made that. > I would have stopped writing, maybe sold Goodyear tires. > If I knew one dark day I’d costar with Mike Myers. Seriously, go read it. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/2 "2008-04-02T18:39:45Z")
That was awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/3 "2008-04-02T18:40:12Z")
Sweet Jesus, that was funny. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/4 "2008-04-02T19:12:35Z")
Good stuff. And I still haven’t forgiven Ron Howard for what he did to The Grinch. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/5 "2008-04-02T19:23:48Z")
I’m sure Seuss never intended any of his (very short) books to be turned into anything beyond a less-than-30-minute animated adaptation. There really is no way a feature-length treatment could remain true to the spirit of the source material. Besides, going by _The Grinch,_ these adaptations shortchange us in terms of Seuss’s rhyming narrative (which the TV cartoons always preserved). ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/6 "2008-04-02T20:24:17Z")
That’s awesome, especially the end. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/7 "2008-04-02T20:47:05Z")
The rhyming is good, but the meter is forced in a lot of places. Clearly _The Onion_ does not possess a poet of the good Doctor’s caliber. Still very funny, though. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/8 "2008-04-02T21:11:48Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] I’m sure Seuss never intended any of his (very short) books to be turned into anything beyond a less-than-30-minute animated adaptation. There really is no way a feature-length treatment could remain true to the spirit of the source material. [/QUOTE] Dr. Seuss was working on a film adaptation of _Oh, The Places You’ll Go!_ for Columbia/Tristar before he died, despite the fact he became disillusioned with Hollywood during the disasterous, delay-filled filming and subsequent critical and commerical failure of _The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T_. A number of the lines are too long to fit into a Seussian rhyme scheme properly, and _Horton_ was by no means as much of a cinematical travesty on the level of _The Grinch_ or _The Cat_, but this may be one of the best- if not _the_ best article that _The Onion_ has ever published. All I can say is that if future film adaptations aren’t as well-done as _Horton_, Teddy G. may make good on his promise: > [@](#): > > So to Audrey, you whore, you sad sack of a wife: > Listen close. Pay attention, for once in your life. > You give Fox In Sox to those sharks who made Elf > And so help me, I’ll rise up and kill you myself. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/9 "2008-04-02T22:33:54Z")
\ Although I hear the Horton is much better than the first 2 attempts. I loathed The Grinch ala Jim Carrey and couldn’t stand to see even the previews of The Cat in the Hat. Poor Dr Seuss, being sucked of his charm and talent by the Hollywood machine o’ profit. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/10 "2008-04-02T22:40:16Z")
BTW, have there been any porn adaptations? ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/11 "2008-04-02T22:51:07Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] BTW, have there been any porn adaptations? [/QUOTE] _Cocks In Fox In Socks_? ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/12 "2008-04-02T22:59:11Z")
That was great. I forgive all the forced-meter parts. Horton was not nearly as good as everyone has been raving. It was good, but it lacked the magic of the books, and even the weaker magic of the 30 minute cartoons. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/13 "2008-04-02T23:06:10Z")
[QUOTE=Hal Briston] _Cocks In Fox In Socks_? [/QUOTE] I was thinking _Thidwick the Well-Endowed Moose . . ._ ---
**Author:** ![Randy\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee7513/32.png) [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/14 "2008-04-02T23:10:58Z")
Great article. [QUOTE=Nzinga, Seated] That was great. I forgive all the forced-meter parts. [/QUOTE] Anapestic tetrameter! You did that on purpose! (of talent for scansion, that Seuss had a surplus!) ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2008, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/15 "2008-04-02T23:19:23Z")
[QUOTE=Randy Seltzer] Great article. Anapestic tetrameter! You did that on purpose! (of talent for scansion, that Seuss had a surplus!) [/QUOTE] That was **great**. I for-\*\*give \*\* all the **forced** -meter **parts**. Wish I did that on purpose But I’m not that smart. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2008, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/16 "2008-04-03T00:09:39Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] BTW, have there been any porn adaptations? [/QUOTE] \*Fox Likes Cocks Horton Feels A Who Pop On Top How The Grinch Stole My Virginity The Whorax Oh, The Places You’ll Spunk!\* ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2008, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/17 "2008-04-03T07:06:11Z")
That Cat’s into Scat The Cat into Scat Comes on My Back One Bitch, Two Bitch, Spread Bitch, Poo Bitch How the Grinch Corn-holed Christy I Can’t Fuck with My Legs Shut! Oh the Skanks you can Rank! There’s a Rocket in My Pocket! (Would You Like to Get on It?) Horton Hires a Ho ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2008, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/18 "2008-04-03T12:45:04Z")
[QUOTE=mobo85] Dr. Seuss was working on a film adaptation of _Oh, The Places You’ll Go!_ for Columbia/Tristar before he died . . . [/QUOTE] 😕 How . . . ? Some Seuss books have plots, but not that one. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2008, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/19 "2008-04-03T13:14:08Z")
That’s very funny! And the rhythm gets noticeably better at the end, starting with the “So to Audrey, you whore,” stanza (which is a gem) - as if the writer finally got the hang of it or things just fell into place as the poem becomes less detached. ---
**Author:** ![3waygeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/e95f7d/32.png) [@3waygeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3waygeek)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2008, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700/20 "2008-04-03T13:17:07Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] 😕 How . . . ? Some Seuss books have plots, but not that one. [/QUOTE] Since when did not having a plot prevent a film from being made? Especially if said film stars a SNL alum. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dr-seuss-in-the-onion-stop-making-movies-about-my-books/443700.md?page=2)