# Dukes of Hazzard: The Short Version. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 3, 2012, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212 "2012-01-03T01:46:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/46a35a/32.png) [@UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UFC_Is_Sux)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/21 "2012-01-03T03:38:23Z")
**Batman - The Short Version** “Muahaha!! I finally caught you, Caped Crackpot! And your little Robin too!” “Joker, you fiend!” “Shoot them. Shoot them both, henchman!” BANG! BANG! ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/22 "2012-01-03T03:42:08Z")
**How I Met Your Mother** New York (World Wide News) – Columbia University architecture professor Theodore Mosby was found dead – an apparent suicide – in his Midtown apartment this morning. Mosby reportedly left a note for his friends telling of his depression over failed romances. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/23 "2012-01-03T03:48:03Z")
**Mission Impossible-The Short Version** _throws away tape recorder_ ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/24 "2012-01-03T03:49:04Z")
**How I Met Your Mother** “Kids, first I dated your mom’s roommate for a while, and then a few years later she was in a class I taught, then we finally hooked up a few years after that. Yadda, yadda, yadda, we got married, and here you are. Now where are my spectacles?” ---
**Author:** ![Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3e96dc/32.png) [@Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dennis_Arthur_PERRETT)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/25 "2012-01-03T03:49:09Z")
Darren: (arguing) Now look Samantha its not going to work. Your Mother is a Bitch and she looks like a Witch and quite frankly a lot of strange shit happens whenever… Samantha: But Darren… Darren: No! Samantha. My mind is made up especially after the Donkey Ears incident. Its just too fucken freaky, I don’t think I like your family and quite frankly I don’t think I like you. Now Fuck Off Samantha! Before I have a complete and utter nervous breakdown… (storms off stage). Samantha: But Darren … (after a little thought, shrugs) …well Fuck You Too Darren! (wiggles nose). Darren: (off stage) Hee Haw Hee Haw. Fin. Close curtains. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/26 "2012-01-03T03:50:03Z")
**Iron Chef-The Short Version** And the secret ingredient is…FUGU!!! Allez cuisine! ---
**Author:** ![UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/46a35a/32.png) [@UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UFC_Is_Sux)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/27 "2012-01-03T03:52:37Z")
\*\*The Six Million Dollar Man - The Short Version \*\* Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster. " BUZZZ … “Oscar Goldman. This is a secure line.” “Mr. Goldman, this is Mr. Smith with the Congressional Budget Office. I’m sorry, but the subcommittee has disapproved your request for funding for the Bionic Surgery Project.” “Damn.” BUZZZ … “Colonel Austin? It’s time for your wheelchair orientation therapy. The nurse will be there in a moment to take you.” “OK.” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/28 "2012-01-03T03:55:58Z")
**MTV-The Short Version** How the hell do you watch music on TV? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/29 "2012-01-03T03:59:24Z")
**WKRP in Cincinnati-The Short Version** Is this the young man you hired to run the station? He’s fired. ---
**Author:** ![UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/46a35a/32.png) [@UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UFC_Is_Sux)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/30 "2012-01-03T04:04:53Z")
**Daniel Boone - The Short Version** Dan’l Boone was a maaaan, Was a biiiiiig … maaaan, But the bear ate him. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/31 "2012-01-03T04:10:42Z")
Oh, og. There is a whole site that specializes in this sort of thing, but the Google Force is weak in this one. Here is mine: **Jaws** - There is a shark what needs catchin’, and sure enough, they needed a bigger boat. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/32 "2012-01-03T04:10:59Z")
Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Doctor Sam Beckett led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top secret project, known as QUANTUM LEAP. Pressured to prove his theories or lose funding, Doctor Beckett, prematurely stepped into the Project Accelerator, and vanished. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/33 "2012-01-03T04:20:07Z")
> [@UFC\_Is\_Sux](#): > > **Batman - The Short Version** > > “Muahaha!! I finally caught you, Caped Crackpot! And your little Robin too!” > > “Joker, you fiend!” > > “Shoot them. Shoot them both, henchman!” > > BANG! BANG! **Batman - The Much Shorter Version** Gotham City grieves today as the body of one of its most stalwart benefactors, Dr. Thomas Wayne, was found in Crime Alley this morning along with those of his wife Martha and infant child Bruce. The Waynes were shot at close range by person or persons unknown in what appears to have been a street mugging gone awry. ---
**Author:** ![UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/46a35a/32.png) [@UFC\_Is\_Sux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UFC_Is_Sux)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/34 "2012-01-03T04:22:22Z")
**Superman - The Short Version** Jor-El: “You will travel far, my little Kal-El. But I will never leave you. Even in the face of my death the richness of my life shall be yours. All that I have learned, everything I feel, all of this and more I have bequeathed to you my son. And as I place you in this vessel of life, to travel the stars to your new home, you shall carry me inside you all your days. You will make my strength your own, see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, the father becomes the son. This is all that I can send with you , Kal-El. And not near so rich a gift as that your mother sends along. Her … love.” Jor-El: “5, 4, 3, 2 …” “This is Kryptonian Launch Control. Your launch has been scrubbed due to imminent planetary explosion.” Jor-El: “Crap.” KABOOM ---
**Author:** ![Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3e96dc/32.png) [@Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dennis_Arthur_PERRETT)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/35 "2012-01-03T04:34:15Z")
Chicago 1973 newspaper room, a young Ed Zotti takes a blasting by his Editor-In-Chief… “CECIL?! ADAMS?! How freakin’ ignorant do you think people are …it won’t work, I’m taking it off the presses this instance!..” _implosion_ [blank screen] ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/36 "2012-01-03T04:34:41Z")
**Batman - The Short Version** Gotham City (Gotham Gazette) - Prominent Gotham City billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne was shot dead in a city alleyway at about 11pm yesterday when attempting to assist local residents Mr John and Mrs Jane Smyth, who had been confronted by a pair of armed assailants. Mrs Smyth was also killed in the attack. A Smyth family spokesman said that Mr Smyth reports that he and Mrs Smith were confronted while returning home after an evening out. Mr Smyth was handing over his wallet to the assailants when Wayne ran into the alleyway and attempted to defend the Smyths unarmed. Wayne is said to have been unceremoniously gunned down, with a stray bullet striking Mrs Smyth. A clearly shocked Gotham City Police Commissioner Gordon - who is known to have been personally acquainted with Bruce Wayne - emphasised that while he understood Mr Wayne’s desire to help, it was never worth risking one’s life in these situations. He speculated that Wayne, known to be an intelligent man, probably didn’t realise the criminals were armed. In a strange twist, Wayne was found dressed in a skin tight leotard and briefs worn externally, a rubber hood and mask with bat ears, and a cape, all adorned in a bat motif. At time of going to press, no explanation for this outlandish costume has been forthcoming. Acquaintences of Mr Wayne speculate that he may have been returning from a costume party, although none were aware of any such party yesterday evening. The area in which the crime occurred is known to house a number of nightclubs frequented by the city’s more flamboyant bachelors. Ironically, Wayne was raised as an orphan as a consequence of the gun murder of his own parents. The heirs to Wayne’s fortune are unknown. His close young protege Dick Grayson was unavailable for comment. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/37 "2012-01-03T04:40:31Z")
**Bullwinkle-The Short Version** And in Weird News Of The Day, there are reports the Soviet Union executed a moose and a flying squirrel for espionage. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/38 "2012-01-03T04:42:27Z")
> [@voguevixen](#): > > Oh, og. There is a whole site that specializes in this sort of thing, but the Google Force is weak in this one. > > Here is mine: **Jaws** - There is a shark what needs catchin’, and sure enough, they needed a bigger boat. “You’re right Sheriff Brody, I’ll order the beaches closed immediately.” ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/39 "2012-01-03T04:47:48Z")
I moved this to Cafe Society (from MPSIMS). ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/40 "2012-01-03T04:52:03Z")
**The Short Version of Assorted Slasher Flicks** “What was that noise?” “I don’t know.” “Whoa, creepy.” “Yeah, I dunno either.” “Let’s all stay together.” “Good idea.” “Yeah, good idea, man.” “Definitely.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212.md?page=3)