# Dukes of Hazzard: The Short Version. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 3, 2012, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212 "2012-01-03T01:46:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/41 "2012-01-03T06:37:32Z")
> [@AWB](#): > > San Francisco (FNS) - The USS Enterprise - barely one year out of refit and reassignment to a 5-year deep space mission - has had tragedy strike, reports Commodore Wesley of the USS Yorktown. The entire crew except for one has died of a mysterious ailment that has left their bodies devoid of sodium chloride. The ship was found in a stable orbit of planet M-113, home of a once vast pre-space empire, but now only home to their ruins. The surviving crew member, Crewman Green, is slightly catatonic and nervously bites the knuckle of his right index finger, reports the Yorktown’s CMO. Even though Green appears to be immune to the M-113 disease, as yet not isolated, it has also taken the lives of two of the Yorktown medical staffers. Green has been put into quarantine until the pathogen can be isolated. [nitpick] Also reported surviving is the Enterprise’s science officer, Commander Spock of Vulcan. Spock, who is half-Vulcan and half-human, is believed to have survived because of the chemical composition of his blood, which is copper-based, the nature of which was inherited from his father, Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan. Spock is unavailable for comment at this time. Due to the nature of his injuries, he is currently admitted to the Yorktown’s sickbay, where he lies in an unexplainable trance, unresponsive to all efforts to wake him. A specialist in Vulcan physiology has been called in to consult. [/nitpick] ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/42 "2012-01-03T06:52:41Z")
“Well, we’ve run the DNA test, and of the two men who could potentially be your dad, your actual biological father is _him_.” ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/43 "2012-01-03T22:56:20Z")
**Goldfinger - The Short Version** "Do you expect me to talk?’ “No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.” (Goldfinger exits lab as Bond screams in agony.) ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/44 "2012-01-03T23:01:28Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > **Bullwinkle-The Short Version** > > And in Weird News Of The Day, there are reports the Soviet Union executed a moose and a flying squirrel for espionage. “Is very nice fur hat you are vearink, Comrade Badenov. Vhat sort of fur?” “Moose und sqvirrel.” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/45 "2012-01-03T23:08:37Z")
Boss Hogg was not the mayor of Hazzard County. Daisy rarely rode in the same car as Bo & Luke, as she did not wish either to intuit that she was fucking the other behind his back, as well as Cooter behind both their backs, and – on rare occasions for reasons to dark to discuss here – Lulu Hogg. The OP is arrant nonsense. ---
**Author:** ![Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3e96dc/32.png) [@Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dennis_Arthur_PERRETT)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2012, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/46 "2012-01-03T23:37:57Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Boss Hogg was not the mayor of Hazzard County. Daisy rarely rode in the same car as Bo & Luke, as she did not wish either to intuit that she was fucking the other behind his back, as well as Cooter behind both their backs, and – on rare occasions for reasons to dark to discuss here – Lulu Hogg. The OP is arrant nonsense. Yeah but I don’t care what you think Skald…its the humour contained within Dingus. Skald the Short Version. (Note the following story is based on a true story but only the name of the chimp and the goose have been omitted to protect their identities). “By Zeus” said a wimpy bald man by the name of Skald. “Some how I’ve misplaced my balls…” Zeus looked down and scorned “Who Was That!” “Thought I stood on the neighbours cat.” And so with that Skald was zapped by Zeus. which turned him into a wimpy goose… Now Skald the Wimp has to pimp his chimp to make his bread 'cause his wrist is limp. Thankyou, thankyou very much… ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/47 "2012-01-04T00:12:17Z")
> [@Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](#): > > Yeah but I don’t care what you think Skald…its the humour contained within Dingus. > > Skald the Short Version. (Note the following story is based on a true story but only the name of the chimp and the goose have been omitted to protect their identities). > > “By Zeus” said a wimpy bald man by the name of Skald. > “Some how I’ve misplaced my balls…” > Zeus looked down and scorned “Who Was That!” > “Thought I stood on the neighbours cat.” > > And so with that Skald was zapped by Zeus. > which turned him into a wimpy goose… > Now Skald the Wimp has to pimp his chimp > to make his bread 'cause his wrist is limp. > > Thankyou, thankyou very much… It’s been nice knowing you. :o ---
**Author:** ![Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3e96dc/32.png) [@Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dennis_Arthur_PERRETT)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/48 "2012-01-04T02:16:14Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > It’s been nice knowing you. :o Cheers Mate. Yeah he is a bit of an embarrassment isn’t he. Just ignore him, he won’t go away unfortunately, but just laugh at him from a distance. That’s what me and all my mates do over here in Australia. ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/49 "2012-01-04T02:25:06Z")
M_A_S\*H - The shorter version. The Korean War lasted from June 1950 until July 1953. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/50 "2012-01-04T02:43:12Z")
**Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Abridged Version** A young, blonde ingenue is called by mythic forces to combat vampires and demons. But, seeing as vampires and demons aren’t real, it was all in her head. She’s now a permanent resident of a psychiatric ward in Los Angeles. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/51 "2012-01-04T04:22:45Z")
I have issued a warning for personal insults for this post: > [@Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](#): > > Yeah but I don’t care what you think Skald…its the humour contained within Dingus. > > Skald the Short Version. (Note the following story is based on a true story but only the name of the chimp and the goose have been omitted to protect their identities). > > “By Zeus” said a wimpy bald man by the name of Skald. > “Some how I’ve misplaced my balls…” > Zeus looked down and scorned “Who Was That!” > “Thought I stood on the neighbours cat.” > > And so with that Skald was zapped by Zeus. > which turned him into a wimpy goose… > Now Skald the Wimp has to pimp his chimp > to make his bread 'cause his wrist is limp. > > Thankyou, thankyou very much… I did not issue a second warning for this one, though I could have. > [@Dennis\_Arthur\_PERRETT](#): > > Cheers Mate. Yeah he is a bit of an embarrassment isn’t he. Just ignore him, he won’t go away unfortunately, but just laugh at him from a distance. That’s what me and all my mates do over here in Australia. I recommend that you dial back your hearty Aussie shtick quite a bit, **Dennis Arthur PERRETT**. Racking up a bunch of warnings quickly is a common route to banning around here. **twickster** , Cafe Society moderator ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/52 "2012-01-04T05:20:56Z")
**Lord of the Rings Ultra-Short Version** EXT. MOUNT DOOM Islidur, with Elrond. “Islidur, throw the Ring into Mount Doom!” “Ok.” **Babylon 5** INT. GRAY COUNCIL MINBARI SHIP, AT BATTLE OF THE LINE “Should we bring in one of those humans for interrogation, Delenn?” “THEY KILLED OUR BELOVED LEADER! KILL THEM ALL!” ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/53 "2012-01-04T06:02:52Z")
**War and Peace** - abriged version. A man went to war and was killed. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/54 "2012-01-04T11:07:22Z")
ATLAS SHRUGGED: The Short Version “It generates energy from the charged particles in the atmosphere? You’re crazy, Galt! Get outta here!” Galt leaves. Mr. Starnes furtively dials phone- “Yeah, that engineer John Galt- he did it. Time to proceed” Men in Black knock on door. John Galt answers. MiBs- “Mr. Galt, we need to take you on a drive with us.” The End. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/55 "2012-01-04T12:53:20Z")
**Citizen Kane – the Short Version** Scene – exterior of Xanadu, Charles Foster Kane’s palatial mansion. Camera goes into Kane’s bedroom, where the Great Man lies dying in his bed, a snowglobe clutched in his hands. Close-up of his lips, as he pronounces the words: “Flexible Flyer” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/56 "2012-01-04T15:21:43Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > It’s been nice knowing you. :o I left my evil hat in Memphis, sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Azeotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/0ea827/32.png) [@Azeotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azeotrope)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/57 "2012-01-04T15:48:31Z")
Jerry Springer - the short version: Jerry: Here we have Aneesha and her boyfriend Jimmy. Aneesha claims that Jimmy won’t admit to being her baby daddy because she’s a slut. Let’s hear what Jimmy has to say first. Jimmy: The hell? We’ve been trying to have a baby for months and she only had one boyfriend before me two years ago! Aneesha: You remember that time we were watching “Punk’d” and you thought it’d be funny as hell if someone pulled a prank on you? Jimmy: HAHA good one, baby, ya got me! Jerry: Take care of yourself, and each other. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/58 "2012-01-04T16:40:48Z")
> [@MEBuckner](#): > > **The Short Version of Assorted Slasher Flicks** > > “What was that noise?” > “I don’t know.” > “Whoa, creepy.” > “Yeah, I dunno either.” > “Let’s all stay together.” > “Good idea.” > “Yeah, good idea, man.” > “Definitely.” “And we should definitely not stray out into the woods to make out, either.” ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/59 "2012-01-04T22:06:34Z")
Or make out on this nasty old bed complete with mattress that happens to be in this abandoned house. ---
**Author:** ![bleach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bleach/32/3106_2.png) [@bleach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bleach)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2012, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212/60 "2012-01-04T23:05:39Z")
> [@voguevixen](#): > > Oh, og. There is a whole site that specializes in this sort of thing, but the Google Force is weak in this one. **voguevixen** , are you thinking of these? [Book-A-Minute](http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/) and [Movie-A-Minute](http://rinkworks.com/movieaminute/) These aren’t exactly the same as the OP, but they have some fun super-abridged versions of books and movies. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dukes-of-hazzard-the-short-version/608212.md?page=4)