# Dumb as a... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 8, 2001, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157 "2001-11-08T08:08:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Mort\_Furd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mort\_Furd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mort_Furd)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2001, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/21 "2001-11-08T19:12:54Z")
Too stupid to tell the difference betwenn his ass and a hole in the ground. In comparison, I sometimes allow as how somebody can tell the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground, but that he does it by taste. As in: “He can tell his butt from a hole in the ground, but he has to lick it first.” ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2001, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/22 "2001-11-08T20:11:30Z")
“If cornflakes were ignorance, he’d be General Mills.” Hey, if you’re going to steal, steal from the best. ---
**Author:** ![GreatKingRat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@GreatKingRat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreatKingRat)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2001, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/23 "2001-11-08T20:24:10Z")
Knitting with only one needle. One wave short of a shipwreck. ---
**Author:** ![babydrln](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b38774/32.png) [@babydrln](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/babydrln)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/24 "2001-11-09T00:08:41Z")
“Half a bubble off plumb.” (Or just “half a bubble off”) “Doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.” “A couple sandwiches shy of a picnic.” “One brick shy of a load.” “Can’t tell thin sh\*\* from wild honey.” “Dumber-n-dogsh\*\*” Not really along the exact same line, but someone once told me that the definition of “gross ignorance” was 144 Aggies. (Now I’m gonna have Texas A&M grads putting out hits on me! LOL) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/25 "2001-11-09T01:03:42Z")
He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a shoe if the instructions were printed on the sole. He’s so dumb he flunked “Your Ass And A Hole In The Ground: A Comparative Study” ---
**Author:** ![Dignan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@Dignan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dignan)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/26 "2001-11-09T01:43:33Z")
Your parents don’t call you son because you’re bright. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/27 "2001-11-09T01:49:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Superdude \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by Gundy \* > > \*\*And then he’d tell me I “couldn’t find my butt with both hands and a map”. \*\* > > My dad always used to say that some people “couldn’t find their ass with both hands and a flashlight.” I still use that one to this day \*\* I’ve always given them the map, the flashlight, and both hands. My other favorite is “If brains were open flames, I’d feel comfortable sending you to the gas station.” ---
**Author:** ![Myrnalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@Myrnalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrnalene)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/28 "2001-11-09T01:54:46Z")
A friend of mine one described herself as “not the brightest tool in the shed”. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/29 "2001-11-09T02:14:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by GreatKingRat \* > \*\*Knitting with only one needle. > > One wave short of a shipwreck. \*\* QUEEEEEN!!! 😃 I’ve always been fond of “About as sharp as a bag of donuts.” ---
**Author:** ![bobjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@bobjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobjones)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/30 "2001-11-09T02:40:01Z")
As dumb as a… not so bright rock. retarted primate without thumbs. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/31 "2001-11-09T03:14:58Z")
Go for simplicity. My standard is “dumber than fungus” or occasionally “dumb as a box of rocks.” ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee7513/32.png) [@Mona\_Lott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lott)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/32 "2001-11-09T03:31:37Z")
My Dad used to say “If your brains were gas, you wouldnt have enough to power a piss ant’s motorcycle around the rim of a dime.” He once told me that I was the only person in the world who could fuck up a wet dream. It’s not so much that I’m a stupid person, just inept with mechanical things. ---
**Author:** ![TN\_hippie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TN\_hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TN_hippie)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/33 "2001-11-09T03:51:18Z")
Dumb as a football bat. The porch light’s on, but nobody’s home. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He ain’t eating with both chopsticks. . . . _this one describes me well:_ I got two brain cells left: one’s a liar and the other’s a fool. ---
**Author:** ![OxyMoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9a140/32.png) [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/34 "2001-11-09T04:33:00Z")
I thought I’d invented one, but it’s got lots of parents. I remember describing Dan Quayle as “Not the brightest bulb in the Senate chandelier.” If you blow on his ear, you can play his head like an ocarina. The man’s a violation of the laws of physics: total vacuum from the neck up. I thought he should blow his brains out, so I gave him a Kleenex. The only way you could make a thought cross his mind is if you wrote on ammo first. ---
**Author:** ![Sweet\_Sota\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@Sweet\_Sota\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sweet_Sota_Girl)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/35 "2001-11-09T04:58:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kunilou \* > \*\*Dumb as a screen door on a submarine (It alliterates better as “stupid as a screen door. . .”) > > Dumb as a brick wall and twice as funny > > Dumb as a Ken doll in a porn film \*\* [hijack] Incidentally, I was looking at Ken dolls the other day (Christmas shopping for a 3-year-old) and noticed that since Ken was never really anatomically correct (or at least not real graphic ~ thank heavens!) they are now making him with the design of “boxer-briefs” instead of just plain old “buck nekkid”. [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/36 "2001-11-09T05:04:56Z")
Don’t know shit from Shinola. Don’t ask that one to catch a bus. Murphy’s Lawyer ---
**Author:** ![TN\_hippie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/858c86/32.png) [@TN\_hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TN_hippie)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/37 "2001-11-09T05:46:08Z")
Can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![glass\_onion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@glass\_onion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glass_onion)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/38 "2001-11-09T14:19:57Z")
**uberDave** posted: " Not a ‘dumb as’ but feel free to use this as necessary… “tighter than a preacher’s cock in a heffers ass”. Works well when removing nails or unscrewing the lid on the pickle jar. " I have another one for tightness( either like nails, but better for saying someone is tight with their money ) “Tighter than a nun’s cunt on sunday” ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/39 "2001-11-09T17:23:05Z")
Here are a few expressions that I’ve heard and/or used to describe idiocy: If he got any denser, light would bend in towards him. Denser than a block of rebar. Slower than a squished snail. Smarter than a speeding bullet! Has a room-temperature IQ. Has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingie that holds it together. Has two neurons playing catch with a single acetlycholine molecule. (Biogeeks might be the only people who use that phrase.) I used this expression once while I was talking about a particularly moronic person in one of my classes: “He’s probably quite useful as a source of protein, but he certainly shouldn’t be a student in this course.” And, speaking of idiocy, I should be heading off to my brain-dead statistics class… ---
**Author:** ![Palve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a698b9/32.png) [@Palve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palve)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157/40 "2001-11-09T17:31:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scribble \* > **Has two neurons playing catch with a single acetlycholine molecule. (Biogeeks might be the only people who use that phrase.)** That should be acet **yl** choline! Sheesh! 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-as-a/92157.md?page=3)