# Dumb jokes that the situation absolutely required **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 27, 2007, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171 "2007-08-27T23:38:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2007, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/41 "2007-08-30T05:16:34Z")
Serious young boy from religious background, trying to convince me that god must be real: “If there was no god, how did Moses and the Jews not starve to death while wandering in the desert? After all they were there for 40 years!”. Me: “But there was plenty to eat … because of all the SAND WHICH IS THERE!”. Completely destroyed him. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/42 "2007-09-04T00:44:52Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] Driving home tonight, I was told to make a left onto Plank Road. Me: “So, it’s time to turn onto Plank Road?” My Father: “Yes.” Me: “So, it’s Plank Time!” [/QUOTE] 😕 ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/43 "2007-09-04T00:59:47Z")
[QUOTE=Rilchiam] 😕 [/QUOTE] Planck Time is a physics defintion - the time it would take a photon of light to cross something called the Planck Length. It’s an absurdly small unit of time, there are billions of Plank Time units in a single [shake](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shake_%28time%29).\* One of the reasons Planck Time sticks in my mind is that I understand it to be the theorhetical limit for how far back we can regress the Universe to say “This was what happened after the Big Bang.” Here’s a wiki link that offers a little more [detail](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plank_time). (Including the detail that I’d misspelled Planck’s name. :smack: ) \*Yes, physicists have some absurd units. My favorite is that unit of area known as the [barn](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barn_%28unit%29). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/44 "2007-09-04T01:08:15Z")
Ah, I see. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/45 "2007-09-04T01:09:22Z")
Hilarious thread! During my SIL’s wedding rehearsal, the officiant was skipping through the first run, and said something like “Okay, EJ gives her to RF after kissing her, later RF kisses her, hell, everybody’s gonna be kissing her.” I immediately let out a not-very-quiet “Pawns jump queen!” The guy next to me was rolling. ---
**Author:** ![Gregor\_Samsa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a6a055/32.png) [@Gregor\_Samsa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gregor_Samsa)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/46 "2007-09-04T01:28:32Z")
Years ago, I was helping out at a local artsy moviehouse on Hallowe’en, and a guy came in dressed as Bozo - red nose, floppy shoes, brightly coloured baggy pants and comical makeup. So I turned to projectionist/ticket-taker and said, “Better keep your eye on THAT clown.” ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/47 "2007-09-04T01:34:09Z")
About 20 years ago, a friend of mine had gotten a really nasty laceration across the palm of his hand, so I took him to emergency. The man who treated him said, “Try to hold your hand still, now. You’re going to feel a little prick.” Dave said, “Aw, sure. Take advantage of me when I’m drunk.” I said, “Oh man, you’re never going to play the violin now.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/48 "2007-09-04T01:40:10Z")
I’m somewhat infamous for my dumb jokes. But usually they just shoot out of my mouth and are cleared from memory. But there was one dumb joke (which I’ve related here before) that one seldom gets a chance to use… I worked with a woman whose husband, Chuck, was a funeral director. She came into work one day beaming happily. ‘Guess, what, everyone? Chuck got a promotion!’ I replied, ‘How many people does he have under him?’ ---
**Author:** ![Monstera\_deliciosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monstera_deliciosa/32/109_2.png) [@Monstera\_deliciosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstera_deliciosa)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/49 "2007-09-04T01:54:42Z")
[QUOTE=anyrose] My friends are in the habit, when leaving the group briefly (for a “rest break” or to answer the phone, what-have-you) of saying, in a bad Schwarteneggar accent “I’ll be back”, to which I always reply “I’ll be Mozart” [/QUOTE] I usually reply: “Then I’ll be Haydn.” ---
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/50 "2007-09-04T02:32:06Z")
Every time someone at work asks me “How did you do that?” in that exasperated tone they use when I fail to have trouble doing something they think is hard, I always do one of two things. If it is a very simple thing, I do it over immediatly, and say, “Like this.” Or, if it is something complex, I say, “Just fine, thank you.” Don’t ever ask me to “walk this way” though. Tris ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Woodhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Miss\_Woodhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Woodhouse)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/51 "2007-09-04T02:46:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Yes, physicists have some absurd units. My favorite is that unit of area known as the barn. Is the barn built with Plancks? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/52 "2007-09-04T02:50:50Z")
OpalCat posted she was planning a trip to NYC and wanted to know what hotel prices were like in the city. My response was “High, Opal”. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/53 "2007-09-04T02:54:47Z")
There’s a few that my friends have learned never to ask me: “What’s up?” gets either “The unit vector antiparallel to the local apparent gravitational field”, or “That way ^”, depending on my mood. And “What are you up to?” is “Almost six feet”. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/54 "2007-09-04T03:43:53Z")
From another thread: > [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > > [@PastAllReason](#): > > > > C’est la vie. > > La vie. I couldn’t resist! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/55 "2007-09-04T03:50:43Z")
[QUOTE=Chronos] There’s a few that my friends have learned never to ask me: “What’s up?” gets either “The unit vector antiparallel to the local apparent gravitational field”, or “That way ^”, depending on my mood. And “What are you up to?” is “Almost six feet”. [/QUOTE] “What’s new?” “New York, New Jersey, New Mexico.” (Or New Hampshire, but three states has the best cadence, and I don’t like to leave NM out.) ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/56 "2007-09-04T11:46:03Z")
[QUOTE=Chronos] There’s a few that my friends have learned never to ask me: “What’s up?” gets either “The unit vector antiparallel to the local apparent gravitational field”, \ [/QUOTE] since I’m not as science oriented as you, I say “the sky, the clouds, a bird” or at night “a helluva lot of stars” ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/57 "2007-09-04T11:51:59Z")
“Are you **sure** you’re completely normal?” “Yup, I’m absolutely normal… Orthogonal to **everybody** else” (this usually means I get to prolong the agony, because first I have to explain what “orthogonal” means…) ---
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/58 "2007-09-04T13:04:17Z")
[QUOTE=anyrose] My friends are in the habit, when leaving the group briefly (for a “rest break” or to answer the phone, what-have-you) of saying, in a bad Schwarteneggar accent “I’ll be back”, to which I always reply “I’ll be Mozart” [/QUOTE] I do it too, but I have found that “I’ll be Hayden.” works a lot better. You get “next day” laughs on that one. Tris ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/59 "2007-09-04T13:46:04Z")
[QUOTE=Triskadecamus] Don’t ever ask me to “walk this way” though. [/QUOTE] 😃 My whole family does that one! ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2007, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171/60 "2007-09-04T14:15:02Z")
[QUOTE=Rilchiam] “What’s new?” [/QUOTE] c/(lambda)! (nu = frequency, lambda = wavelength) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumb-jokes-that-the-situation-absolutely-required/417171.md?page=2)