# Dumber than...As nervous as...what \*rural\* similes amuse you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 28, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077 "2002-04-28T07:58:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Deej](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/53a042/32.png) [@Deej](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deej)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/21 "2002-04-28T17:29:39Z")
Uglier than (or plainer than) a board fence. I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted. I was so scared I was shittin’ rubber nickles. I was so mad I coulda spit brass tacks. I gotta pee so bad my back teeth are floatin’. You drink any more coffee, and we’re gonna’ have to row home. “Axe handles” are a common unit of measurement, ie: My ass is headin’ for two axe handles wide. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/22 "2002-04-28T18:54:18Z")
A southern pal would say “it’s hotter than a well-digger’s crotch on the 4th of July!” Another southern co-worker from way back commented on a lazy colleague: “He’s about as useful as tits on a boar-hog!” ---
**Author:** ![Cargogal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/48db29/32.png) [@Cargogal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cargogal)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/23 "2002-04-28T18:59:04Z")
From my dad: “I’ll be all over you like a cold sweat” (A vague threat.) Referring to a wide butt: “Two axe handles and a long squirrel jump.” ---
**Author:** ![neofishboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/neofishboy/32/444_2.png) [@neofishboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neofishboy)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/24 "2002-04-28T19:35:36Z")
“Dumber than a box of hair” has an odd, prosaic quality that’s always appealed to me. ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/25 "2002-04-28T19:41:47Z")
Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker. Dumber than a box of rocks. ---
**Author:** ![Dagny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9f8e36/32.png) [@Dagny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dagny)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/26 "2002-04-28T20:14:35Z")
Slicker than snot on a doorknob. I’m gonna be on you like white on rice. ---
**Author:** ![Winkie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/41988e/32.png) [@Winkie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winkie)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/27 "2002-04-28T20:57:02Z")
Dryer than cracker juice! ---
**Author:** ![DPWhite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d26b3c/32.png) [@DPWhite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPWhite)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/28 "2002-04-28T21:15:41Z")
Richard Nixon once said during a David Frost interview that something “was as thin as piss on a rock” referring to something insubstantial. If only his tapes had that kind of profanity on them, they’d be a heck of a lot more interesting. ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/29 "2002-04-28T21:29:51Z")
“How’re you?” “Finer than a frog hair split four ways.” ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/30 "2002-04-28T22:10:53Z")
I’ve known a few catfish, _all mouth and no brain._ My mother modeled herself after Emily Post. All the same when a younger mom in the neighborhood once asked her if she should address her by her first or last name, Mom said “Honey, you can call me a son of a bitch just so long as you smile!” In Mom’s defense, this was decades ago. ---
**Author:** ![Dirty\_Earthworm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Dirty\_Earthworm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dirty_Earthworm)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/31 "2002-04-28T22:51:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jack Batty \* > \*\*I always kind of liked … > > “Ugly as a fistful of worms.” \*\* HEY! I resent that remark. 😉 -Dirty ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/32 "2002-04-29T03:30:26Z")
More have occurred to me whilst reading this thread: My dad used to say, “That store is closed up tighter than a bull’s ass in fly season,” or “She’s uglier than a mud fence full of water dogs.” A former co-worker would say, “You could f\*\*k up a two-car fiuneral.” I always loved the alliterative quality of “hotter than a half-f\*\*ked fox in a forest fire.” Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/33 "2002-04-29T04:05:56Z")
I’m suprised nobody mentioned my favorite- Faster than greased lightning. As far as I’m concerned, there is nothing faster than greased lightning (I mean, _come on_ ) I also heard “That’s as hard as a one legged cat trying to take a dump on a frozen lake” don’t remember where it came from tho. ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/34 "2002-04-29T04:19:12Z")
S/he’s dumber than a hoe handle. (Referring to a stupid act or an ugly person) Now I know why tigers eat their young. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/35 "2002-04-29T05:56:57Z")
I heard it as the even more alliterative “hotter than a freshly-fucked fox in a forest fire.” It could also be “hotter than a six-peckered billy goat in a pepper patch.” Dr. J ---
**Author:** ![tigergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3e96dc/32.png) [@tigergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tigergirl)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/36 "2002-04-29T06:37:33Z")
Here’s a few of my fav’s in another [thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=108597) ---
**Author:** ![hapaXL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/94ad74/32.png) [@hapaXL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hapaXL)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/37 "2002-04-29T06:40:49Z")
He’s as sharp as a mud fence. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/38 "2002-04-29T06:49:31Z")
Courtesy of Stephen King: “You need that like a hen needs a flag.” “He’s as gay as your dad’s old hatband.” ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/39 "2002-04-29T06:55:37Z")
Referring to someone with buck teeth - “He/She could eat watermelon thru a picket fence.” ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/40 "2002-04-29T07:08:14Z")
My dad has said the following: “Slower than molasses in January.” On something good happening: “That was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.” And my personal favorite: “Crazy as 'coon shit.” 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=3)