# Dumber than...As nervous as...what \*rural\* similes amuse you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 28, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077 "2002-04-28T07:58:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/41 "2002-04-29T07:53:32Z")
“I’m hotter than a hen in a wool basket, and her in heat.” “I don’t know you from Adam’s housecat.” “He’s as sharp as mayonaise.” “He’s tougher than an old dog’s asshole.” - How the guy who said this knows this, I don’t want to know. ---
**Author:** ![robinc308](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@robinc308](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robinc308)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/42 "2002-04-29T11:02:42Z")
“A few roos loose in the top paddock” “A one man slum” “Couldn’t organise his way out of a wet paper bag” “Couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery” ---
**Author:** ![Iyamity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/96bed5/32.png) [@Iyamity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iyamity)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/43 "2002-04-29T11:44:54Z")
Said about driving on icy roads - “Slicker than goose shit on linoleum” Another one about something good happening - “Better than a kick in the nuts wiht a frozen cowboy boot.” ---
**Author:** ![KidCharlemagne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ed8c4c/32.png) [@KidCharlemagne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KidCharlemagne)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/44 "2002-04-29T11:53:13Z")
I can’t believe this thread is here, I was sitting in bed saying I wanted to start a thread like this the next morning. Here are mine. 1. Im gonna beat you like a red-headed step-child 2. Im gonna beat you like a rented-mule 3. She’s been banged more times than a screen door in a hurricane 4. She’s been plowed more times than a parking lot in buffalo 5. She’s as cute as a speckled puppy on a little red wagon. ---
**Author:** ![easy\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/eb8c5e/32.png) [@easy\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/easy_e)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/45 "2002-04-29T14:38:05Z")
When describing unlikely occurances: -that would go over like a fart in church or -that would go over like a lead balloon. My grandfather says this: “He’s so stupid he couldn’t pour piss out of a shoe if the directions were written on the heel.” Now, when I first heard that (I was maybe 8 or 9) I laughed and thought “yeah, you’d have to be pretty stupid to have to look for directions.” It wasn’t until _years_ later that I realized that if you did look for the directions, it should pour out anyway. Sometimes I was a bit on the slow side. ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/46 "2002-04-29T15:53:35Z")
“Dumber than a box of rocks.” “As nervous as a dog shittin’ peach pits.” “Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.” “As useful as tits on a bull.” Honey ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/47 "2002-04-29T15:55:00Z")
“He was so ugly he’d back a buzzard off a meat wagon.” “She was so bow-legged she couldn’t catch a pig in a ditch.” “I’m busier than a one-armed paper hanger.” “I’m hornier than a two-peckered tomcat.” “He couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.” “She’s as cute as a bug’s ear.” My cowboy BIL said of a pretentious poser once: “He’s all hat and no ranch.” ---
**Author:** ![HelloKitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecccb3/32.png) [@HelloKitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelloKitty)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/48 "2002-04-29T15:57:24Z")
- Hotter than a cowboy’s pistol - Crazy as a road lizard - So stupid he ain’t worth killin’ ---
**Author:** ![Aleq](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@Aleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aleq)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/49 "2002-04-29T16:33:20Z")
Courtesy of Tabitha King: “Stupid as a fried popsicle.” Goes along with “Crazy as a soup sandwich.” “Busy as a one armed taxi driver with crabs.” “Crazier 'n a shithouse rat.” ---
**Author:** ![Big\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@Big\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_G)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/50 "2002-04-29T17:26:30Z")
Courtesy of Bart Simpson: You folded faster than Superman on wash day. -G ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/51 "2002-04-29T18:47:12Z")
Busier than a cat covering up Faster than shit through a goose. One of my all time favs is ----I had em all steppin and fetching like their feet were on fire and their asses were catching (Charley Daniel’s, Uneasy Rider) Dumb as a box of rocks. ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Baroo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/76d3ee/32.png) [@Billy\_Baroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Baroo)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/52 "2002-04-29T19:09:45Z")
Happy as a queer in a dick tree. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/53 "2002-04-29T19:51:49Z")
My dear old Daddy was a treasure trove of country similes. Some of his:[ul][li]Grinnin’ like a mule eatin’ saw briars.[/li][li]Useless as a one-legged man at an ass-kickin’.[/li][li](While admiring a female bottom…) Boy, that’s just like two pigs in a gunny sack.[/li][li]That gal is so buck-toothed she could eat an apple through a picket fence.[/li][li]Nervous as a pregnant nun.[/li][li]Useless as a screen door on a submarine.[/li][li](When something falls flat:) That went over like a turd in the punchbowl.[/li][li](My Dad was not PC): Queer as a three-dollar bill. (No offense, o gay dopers.)[/li][li]Poor as Job’s turkey. (Huh?)[/li][li]Someone who was doing well was “in tall cotton.”[/li][li]That boy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball. (Foghorn Leghorn was partial to this one, I think. My Dad, come to think of it, was a very Foghorn Leghornesque character.)[/li][li]Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.[/li][li]Tall as a Georgia pine.[/li][li]Hotter than a two-dollar pistol.[/li][li]Hotter than a two-dollar whore.[/li][li]Skinny as a rail.[/li][/ul] Typical exchange between my parents: **Daddy** : That gal is uglier than homemade mud! **Momma** : Frank! She can’t help how she looks! **Daddy** : She could stay home! My favorite simile moment was in a feed store. I was standing in line, and the clerk at the counter was having a little trouble figuring out the change on a purchase. The guy in front of me (no rocket scientist himself) turned and said under his breath, “That boy’s dumb worser’n ary a box 'a rocks.” Oh, irony! ---
**Author:** ![burundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@burundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burundi)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/54 "2002-04-29T21:00:30Z")
Some of my North Carolina favorites: useless as tits on a boar-hog organized as a soup sandwich in high cotton (this is like being on easy street) ---
**Author:** ![W.Panic\_Snopes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@W.Panic\_Snopes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/W.Panic_Snopes)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/55 "2002-04-29T21:55:39Z")
“Dumber than a hundred chickens.” “Busier than a redneck in a round room trying to find a corner to pee in…” “Uglier than a baboon’s ass.” “Richer than fried cheesecake with Crisco topping.” “Dryer than Pat Boone’s liquor cabinet.” Courtesy of Scott Adams’ THE DILBERT PRINCIPLE: “Useless as a truckload of Chihuahuas.” ---
**Author:** ![W.Panic\_Snopes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@W.Panic\_Snopes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/W.Panic_Snopes)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/56 "2002-04-29T21:57:17Z")
Courtesy of Terry Pratchett’s GOOD OMENS: “Gayer than a treeload of monkeys on nitrous oxide.” The one I never could figure out was “You look like Ned in the First Reader.” Anyone have a clue? ---
**Author:** ![Tixenfleaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9a140/32.png) [@Tixenfleaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tixenfleaz)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2002, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/57 "2002-04-30T15:23:28Z")
A few I’ve heard… Braggarts: “That boy’s got an alligator mouth and a hummingbird ass.” (Such gents were frequently referred to as “gator birds”.) Reality Challenged: “Poor girl’s a coupla sandwiches short a picnic.” Reality Challenged II: “The boy’s cheese done slipped off his cracker.” Why I couldn’t borrow the family car: “Son, it’d be like giving a razor to a monkey.” I love Southerners… ---
**Author:** ![W.Panic\_Snopes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@W.Panic\_Snopes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/W.Panic_Snopes)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2002, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/58 "2002-04-30T15:35:11Z")
I think somebody blew his pilot light out. That gal’s about a quart low. Variant on alligator/hummingbird: He let’s his alligator mouth write checks his hummingbird ass can’t cash. She could snag lightnin’ outta a clear blue sky. (ugly) She’s got teeth like the devil’s shitrays. He’s the biggest liar since the devil learned to talk. That car runs faster than a scalded monkey. ---
**Author:** ![Judith\_Prietht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b19c9b/32.png) [@Judith\_Prietht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Judith_Prietht)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2002, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/59 "2002-04-30T16:32:26Z")
From my father, in reference to our overweight, spoiled, eldery dog: “He’s ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.” And for some reason, this made me laugh in a Michael Malone book “He cries when a fucking flag goes by.” ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2002, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/60 "2002-04-30T16:37:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by W. Panic Snopes \* > \*\*The one I never could figure out was “You look like Ned in the First Reader.” Anyone have a clue? \*\* That is a reference to “Lazy Ned,” a character in the standard grammar school textbook of yore, [McGuffey’s Reader](http://digital.library.pitt.edu/cgi-bin/nietz.pl?notisid=00acj4738m&type=header). How was the expression used, in your experience? To refer to someone who was taking it easy? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=4)