# Dumber than...As nervous as...what \*rural\* similes amuse you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 28, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077 "2002-04-28T07:58:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2012, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/101 "2012-05-11T20:43:37Z")
> [@hobgnoblin](#): > > As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra. or as cold as a Warlock’s cock in brass jock? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2012, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/102 "2012-05-11T20:53:30Z")
She looks like she’s been pulled through a knothole backwards. (when someone looks frazzled) I’m so happy I gotta sit on my hands to keep from clapping. (when asked “how you doing?”) If I were any better I’d need a twin. (when asked “how you doing?”) He couldn’t whip shit off a shirt tail. (said when someone thinks they’re tough) He’s tighter than the skin on bologna. He’s tighter than the bark on a tree. ---
**Author:** ![Sheriru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Sheriru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sheriru)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2012, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/103 "2012-05-11T21:04:13Z")
> [@Forbin](#): > > _Wearing too much makeup?_ > Enough paint to paint a battleship, and enough powder to blow it up. I really like this 😃 awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2012, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/104 "2012-05-11T21:59:11Z")
I just thought of another one; He beat him like a bastard child at a family reunion. I haven’t seen you in a month of Sundays. It’s raining like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock. I’m as full as a tick. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2012, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/105 "2012-05-11T22:24:13Z")
Has this one been answered? “I’m so nervous I could thread a running sewing machine” ? Sorry if it has, but time is short. Thanks Quasi ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2012, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/106 "2012-05-11T22:33:35Z")
From Saturday Night Live: “I’m busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral” And with apologies to my gay friends (I DO consider you my friends, btw) “I’m happier than a queer with a bagful of dicks”. I know. I’m going to hell, but I love you anyway. Bill ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2012, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/107 "2012-05-11T22:46:27Z")
From my mom (about our hair before she’d combed it) though she’s from the West Coast,. “you look like you crawled out of a brush heap backward”. I don’t remember where I heard these but - regarding a tough situation “…that’s like trying to nail jello to a tree”. - madder n’ a wet hen ---
**Author:** ![LawMonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@LawMonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LawMonkey)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/108 "2012-05-12T02:14:23Z")
I suspect these are militarisms more than ruralisms… but given the overlap, maybe not: On it like black on a bowling ball – or – On it like white on rice And then we’ve got my father’s vulgarisms, several of which have already been mentioned, but not: Colder than a brass monkey’s balls. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/109 "2012-05-12T03:01:30Z")
Any futile endeavor: Like trying to sneak dawn past a rooster. Any self-serving explanation: That’s just what the fox would tell the farmer, if he could. ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/110 "2012-05-12T03:26:44Z")
_(Said when running into an old friend)_ Well, the people you run into when you don’t have a gun! ---
**Author:** ![skdale723](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e8cbc/32.png) [@skdale723](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skdale723)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/111 "2012-05-12T03:47:59Z")
Dumber than a bag of hammers… Fucked upper than a soup sandwich Fucked upper than a football bat ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/112 "2012-05-12T03:51:42Z")
He’s happier than a pig in shit, he’s got more \ than a cow’s got cunt but he’s as thick as two short planks. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/113 "2012-05-12T03:53:05Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > From my mom (about our hair before she’d combed it) though she’s from the West Coast,. “you look like you crawled out of a brush heap backward”. You’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Quasimodem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodem)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/114 "2012-05-12T04:47:03Z")
Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down? That might not be phrased just right, y’all. Q ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/115 "2012-05-12T04:54:07Z")
So stupid she burned down the house trying to make Kool-Aid. ---
**Author:** ![Reepicheep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@Reepicheep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reepicheep)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2012, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/116 "2012-05-12T05:33:00Z")
He or she got hit with the ugly stick. Beauty may be skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone Describing something hard: Its like trying to take a flying f\*\*k in a rolling donut. The good scholars at Texas A&M are required to take both biology and geology so they can always tell their ass from a hole in the ground They are as poor as churchmice. Slow as Christmas Dumb as a doornob ---
**Author:** ![Qwakkeddup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Qwakkeddup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qwakkeddup)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/117 "2012-05-13T04:24:43Z")
Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. He could fuck up a wet dream. Happy as a pig in shit. Dumb as a post. ---
**Author:** ![Qwakkeddup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Qwakkeddup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qwakkeddup)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/118 "2012-05-13T04:25:43Z")
> [@Mosier](#): > > So stupid she burned down the house trying to make Kool-Aid. Hey! I knew her! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/119 "2012-05-13T07:06:04Z")
In the 70’s I worked with an Irishman. He had left Ireland for the USA when he was 20; he was about 40 when I met him. His politics were extremely conservative. One fine day, a young hippie type guy came into the store to buy something; he had a huge head of curly hair, full beard and moustache, all of it messy and dirty-looking. After he left, Jim turned to me and remarked “That guy looks like a bloody goat peering through a hedge.” . ---
**Author:** ![UntouchedTakeaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d78d45/32.png) [@UntouchedTakeaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UntouchedTakeaway)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/120 "2012-05-13T10:26:45Z")
My mother had two favorites (which I employ at every opportunity) “Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up faster” and “You want horns, but you’re gonna die butt-headed” Happy Mothers’ Day, mom - I miss you every day UT [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=7)