# Dumber than...As nervous as...what \*rural\* similes amuse you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 28, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077 "2002-04-28T07:58:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/121 "2012-05-13T11:28:05Z")
My favorite from an old Maine cowboy - “Numb as pounded thumb” Or as he said it: “Nummer’n a pounded t’um” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/122 "2012-05-13T16:22:32Z")
Me: Hey dad, you don’t look well. How do you feel? Dad: Like 10 pounds of shit shoved into a 5 pound sack. ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/123 "2012-05-13T19:27:46Z")
He could talk the arm off a bronze monument. Dumber than a sneaker full of shit. Jumpy as a cat on a hot tin roof. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/124 "2012-05-13T21:27:21Z")
> [@Mosier](#): > > So stupid she burned down the house trying to make Kool-Aid. She can’t cook but she’s got something to eat. ---
**Author:** ![Reepicheep](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@Reepicheep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reepicheep)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2012, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/125 "2012-05-13T23:43:15Z")
One I heard today: Don’t let the screen door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2012, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/126 "2012-05-14T04:28:47Z")
There had been harsh words about something or other, and the Baptist minister was invited by the church leadership to find a different ministry. He was nevertheless invited to preach one more time and kept his temper in check, finally giving his parting message: “I have sincere gratitude for the kindness that most of you have shown me. In keeping with the dignity of this house of worship, I have no harsh words for any others. I merely wish them to take notice of the sprig of mistletoe attached to my coattails.” ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2012, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/127 "2012-05-14T18:33:30Z")
Another two: My brother once said about my tenacity in arguments: “He could talk a dog off a meat truck.” Also: “He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.” ---
**Author:** ![ShirleyB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@ShirleyB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShirleyB)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2012, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/128 "2012-05-15T18:47:19Z")
“Throw some glass in that pneumonia hole!” – Close the window “Throw a board in the hole.” – Close the door. “Slicker than hammered owl shit.” – Said of icy roads (but I always wondered just who did the research…) 🙂 'Stop that sniveling. You sound likea a dying calf in a snowstorm." To a crying child (not very sensitive…) There’s a (possibly self-published) series of books titled, “Texas Crude”, “More Texas Crude”, “Even More Texas Crude”… that an old boyfriend introduced me to. Some were very funny, some just VERY crude. But I found a fair number that I heard growing up in rural Idaho, so they definitely get around. I also love Southernisms– “Carry me up to the store.” – Give me a ride to the store. “Give me a little, sugah, honey.” – Give me a kiss. “She mayshed a bump on her face.” She squeezed a pimple. “What are y’all doing?” – What are you doing? "What are all y’all doing? – What is everyone doing? I’m glad to see this thread revived–thanks for the laughs! ---
**Author:** ![timid1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9a28c/32.png) [@timid1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timid1)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/129 "2012-05-16T15:19:34Z")
Sharp as a bowling ball Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/130 "2012-05-16T16:22:02Z")
Older than God’s parents. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/131 "2012-05-16T16:32:54Z")
Uglier than homemade soap ---
**Author:** ![rhythmonly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee59a6/32.png) [@rhythmonly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhythmonly)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/132 "2012-05-16T17:15:37Z")
Courtesy of my Grandfather: Make a Maggot jump off a Gut Wagon - used for something gross. She took out her Tits and Tittered - used after hearing a woman laugh. The Bull Gear jumped the Heifer Shaft - used when something broke down. Busier than a One Legged Man in an Ass Kicking Contest - used when busy. ---
**Author:** ![dnutts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@dnutts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dnutts)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2014, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/133 "2014-01-14T19:46:25Z")
“SHE WAS SWEATING LIKE A BLIND LESBIAN IN A FISH SHOP” “Happier than a fag in Boystown” -----just a saying that may not quite fall under this category but hey… METH…DRIVING DOWN THE PRICE OF BLOW JOBS FOR YEARS! ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2014, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/134 "2014-01-14T20:16:42Z")
Lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut. Slicker than greased owl shit. Cute as a speckled pup in a red wagon under a Christmas tree. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2014, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/135 "2014-01-14T22:05:27Z")
> [@Enright3](#): > > Uglier than homemade soap I totally mis-read this as “uglier than homemade soup” and had a whiskey-tango-foxtrot moment there. ---
**Author:** ![stosh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@stosh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stosh)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2014, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/136 "2014-01-15T03:48:02Z")
He couldn’t scratch his ass with a wildcat in each hand. ---
**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2014, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/137 "2014-01-15T06:50:00Z")
“People in hell want ice water, too.” (Said in response to an unreasonable or impossible-to-fill request.) ---
**Author:** ![svd678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@svd678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/svd678)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/138 "2014-01-16T22:24:09Z")
Raining pitchforks and hammer handles, or cats and dogs. Homelier than Adam’s off ox. Complicated directions: all around Robin Hood’s barn. Helpless as a hog on ice. Madder than a wet hen. ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2014, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/139 "2014-01-16T22:52:29Z")
Deader’n a three time zombie. ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/140 "2014-01-17T02:36:12Z")
Zombie Shombie. Someone with few morals is “lower than shark shit” Mad as a meat axe Useful as an ashtray on a motor bike (or tits on a bull) Ugly as a hat full of arseholes (Ugly person has…) A head like a dropped pie (or a bashed crab) Someone who was extremely promiscuous and not at all fussy would “fuck a black snake with a festered arse” A lazy person “wouldn’t work in an iron lung” or was “too lazy to get out of bed to take a shit” Dumb as dog shit so cold it would “freeze the balls off a brass monkey” Busy as a 1 armed paper hanger (or a one legged man in an arse kicking contest) would mean you are “flat out like a lizard drinking” I’ll put in some more if I remember them [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=8)