# Dumber than...As nervous as...what \*rural\* similes amuse you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 28, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077 "2002-04-28T07:58:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/141 "2014-01-17T02:40:24Z")
He’s so cheap, he’d climb over a gate to save wear and tear on the hinges. ---
**Author:** ![Ponch8](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponch8/32/9883_2.png) [@Ponch8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponch8)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/142 "2014-01-17T02:44:50Z")
Check out this long list. They were all said by Dan Rather on election nights. > **[Hilarious Dan Ratherisms from Election Nights Past](https://www.liveabout.com/funny-dan-ratherisms-4067687)** > > Dan Rather is an American journalist. Here is a collection of hilarious Dan Rather quotes from election nights past from 2000 to 2004. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/143 "2014-01-17T23:02:28Z")
> [@Ponch8](#): > > Check out this long list. They were all said by Dan Rather on election nights. > [http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blratherisms.htm](http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blratherisms.htm) Fantastic, thanks. Among the gems is this: _“…they beat him like a rented mule.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Sterling\_Archer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Sterling\_Archer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sterling_Archer)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2014, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/144 "2014-01-17T23:33:39Z")
“Two fries short of a happy meal” And one I think I read here: 'Bout as organized as two dogs humping a styrofoam cooler. ---
**Author:** ![Backwater\_Under\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ba8739/32.png) [@Backwater\_Under\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Backwater_Under_Duck)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2014, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/145 "2014-01-18T01:41:19Z")
In a recent book on Bill Clinton, Clinton was quoted as once saying, about Obama, “He’s luckier than a dog with two dicks.” ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2014, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/146 "2014-01-18T02:15:27Z")
> [@Nocturne](#): > > I’ll be on you like white on rice. I hear this one a lot. But… what about brown rice? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2014, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/147 "2014-01-18T02:15:56Z")
Crazy as a rat on acid. Variant of one previously mentioned: One taco shy of a combination plate. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2014, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/148 "2014-01-18T13:24:26Z")
As flash as a rat with a gold tooth. ---
**Author:** ![LeeroyJenkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a88e57/32.png) [@LeeroyJenkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeeroyJenkins)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/149 "2015-01-14T07:18:07Z")
That boy hasn’t got the sense god gave dust I’m as hot as fish oil Happy as a fox eating shit out of a hair brush Crazy as a shit house rat, or crazier then 2 mother fuckers ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 10:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/150 "2015-01-14T10:02:28Z")
Molly Ivins once described Arnold Schwarzenegger as having “a head like a condom full of walnuts”. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/151 "2015-01-14T10:44:24Z")
Gaudier than the door of a whorehouse. Couldn’t find his way out of a wet paper bag with a bayonet. Couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a flashlight Nuttier 'n squirrel shit. You’re as helpful as a chocolate hammer, you know that ? Happier than a dog with two tails ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/152 "2015-01-14T12:48:23Z")
Hotter than a two-peckered billygoat. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with an itchy back. As dark as your pocket. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/153 "2015-01-14T15:02:16Z")
Live’r than a 13 year old zombie oughta be. ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/154 "2015-01-14T15:08:26Z")
That boy- I say- that boy’s about as sharp as a bowlin’ ball. ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/155 "2015-01-14T15:23:22Z")
This gem came from an oil patch roughneck from Loozeeanna: ``` "She's been passed around more than a $5 hooker on a Saturday night" ``` My grandmother asked this question about a woman wearing some outstandingly ugly, large, jewelry: ``` "Where did she find those knick knacks and turkey turds?" ``` And this gem from a pal of my granddad’s: ``` "Y'all is as nervous as a n _____ in a bed sheet factory" ``` ---
**Author:** ![mind\_the\_gap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ea666f/32.png) [@mind\_the\_gap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mind_the_gap)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/156 "2015-01-14T15:30:21Z")
For a crappy mechanic: "He could break a crowbar in a sandbox and loose one of the pieces. " “Hotter’n two mice in a wool sock.” “Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.” How about “More lives than a SDMB zombie thread?”😃 ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/157 "2015-01-14T16:26:03Z")
mean as a stripe-ed snake tighter than Dick’s hatband (cheap) got his back up (angry—like a cat) (dinner was) not enough to fill a hollow tooth get off you high horse (think you’re better than…) look like you’ve been dragged through a knothole bow up and whoa (stop—like pulling hard on the reins causing the horse to bow up his back in order to stop quickly) ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/158 "2015-01-14T17:37:40Z")
He can pinch a penny so tight he can make Lincoln holler. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2015, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/159 "2015-01-14T18:11:29Z")
Slicker than deer guts on the front porch. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Holdsworth\_Effect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/848f3c/32.png) [@The\_Holdsworth\_Effect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Holdsworth_Effect)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2015, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077/160 "2015-01-15T12:30:14Z")
He’s so horny he’d fuck a woodpile if he thought there was a snake in it So ugly would drive a dog off a gut wagon, or stop a clock When there are kids around- it’s as cold as the brass on a bald monkey Thy are so poor they have to squeeze nickels 'til the buffalo shits I can stretch dollars 'til George grins When obesity was less common- casts a lotta shade in the summer, warm in the winter It’s raining cats and dogs and there are poodles in the street That field’s too thick to drink and too thin to plow Gaudier than a Portagee fishing boat Done up Newfie style (not a compliment from the US) Newfie comment about summer barbecues - yous is weird, ya cooks outside and shits inside (where this guy was from, outhouses were still common as the frost line was lower than bedrock, and in winter, well, you went to the pit privy) Uglier that a tipped over shithouse Built like a brick shithouse Happier than a pig in shit You’re digging yourself wider and deeper [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-as-nervous-as-what-rural-similes-amuse-you/106077.md?page=9)