# Dumber than shit or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2012, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346 "2012-09-21T01:44:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/41 "2012-09-21T17:38:55Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > I understand. She may feel you are undermining her; I have the same irrational issues. I do all the kitchen work and laundry in my house, and when my husband lifts a hand to try to help me, I take it as a rebuke that I’m not doing my job right and he’s having to do it for me because I’m such a fuckup. ☹ I know I shouldn’t feel that way and should be grateful for his help, but it’s long ingrained. > > I’m sorry. Yeah, but then you get mad and say he never helps out with the housework. I know how this game works. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/42 "2012-09-21T18:06:45Z")
No, I do not ever. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/43 "2012-09-21T18:11:41Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Think about it for a minute. Hell a second should do. > > “Hey Misses Fish, we checked the lights like Mr Fish asked and blah blah blah”. But this has never happened. Be honest. If its ever happened, you would have regaled us with the anecdote about it. Instead all you can come up with is something from your imagination, and you gotta admit that’s pretty weak. Both you guys are being irrational, from what I can tell. You’re so frightened of her getting angry at you that resort to passive aggressiveness that enables you to maintain your feelings of righteousness while relieving you of any responsibility in taking action. And she can’t listen to your suggestions without feeling attacked or undermined and shutting down conversation. Emotions are driving both of yall’s behavior, and if you want to fix this, both of you need to sit down and chat with an objective 3rd party will help you get to the bottom of it. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/44 "2012-09-21T18:37:56Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Dude, he gets to say that, not you. You should apologize. Oh, I thought this was a poll! ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/45 "2012-09-21T18:56:29Z")
How long have you been married? There is an important lesson about asking someone else to do something. You ask them to do it and let them do it their way. If you can’t do that, you need to do it yourself. It took my husband and I about five years to get the balance on this one right. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/46 "2012-09-21T18:56:59Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > But this has never happened. Be honest. If its ever happened, you would have regaled us with the anecdote about it. Instead all you can come up with is something from your imagination, and you gotta admit that’s pretty weak. Seriously? Step One: She gets mad if I suggest making a phone call anybody with half a brain would think was a good idea. Step Two: She gets even madder if I suggest that I could do it and/or won’t give me the number (not that getting whatever number wouldn’t generally be a snap). You really think Step 3 is going to be me doing it anyway and the result is gonna all be rainbows and unicorns? Of the top of me head I don’t think I’ve done the “fuck you, I’m calling anyway” or the sneaky “behind her back, please don’t tell her I called” calls. Though like I said I try to forget most of these situations. Maybe one will pop up in my mind later. Maybe not. But I HAVE done the “She thinks doing it that way is stupid” and I went the “fuck you, I’m doing it and I’m doing it my way because I’m the one doing it and if it doesnt work I’ll be the one fixing the mess either way if it doesn’t work” route. And I get shit for it. So I think I have a pretty good idea of how step 3 would end up. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/47 "2012-09-21T19:01:43Z")
I too am wondering how long you’ve been married. And if this is new behavior on her part or if she’s always been this way. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/48 "2012-09-21T19:15:33Z")
Ahh. I do now remember one pseodo sneak call. Its a long story so the details will have to wait a bit. ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/49 "2012-09-21T19:17:24Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Let me tell another phone story. Regarding the car in question again (actually its an SUV we use to haul our horses over the mountains on weekends). > > … > > Well, it was about time for an oil change anyway, so she calls and makes an appointment for an “oil change”. > > We drop the vehicle off, I wait outside in the other car, and she goes inside for a minute to give them the keys and sign the paperwork. I tell her to tell them its NOT just for an oil change and would they please check the light situation. > > She comes out. I ask her if she told them to check the out the warning lights problem. She gets a bit pissed and basically says that they always check them (but she didn’t tell them about it). Okay. Yes they are probably SUPPOSED to but that doesn’t mean they will. I get home and again nicely suggest that we or I should call the place and make sure they actually will check those warning lights. NOT HAPPENING. > > We eventually pick up the SUV (and I think this may be a trip where we did the “hey its not ready yet so lets drive over there twice because we can’t use the fucking phone dance”). If not that one, one of the other past car repair trips. Heck, I can’t remember. I honestly try to forget most of this crazy shit but some of it just sticks. > > Well, guess what? Nothing on the paperwork indicated that they checked the light situation or knew there was a problem regarding them. And the lights came back on the next day. I said fuck it and have been driving it as is till the next oil change was coming up (and the lights finally came on and stayed on). she knew that was going to happen and that’s why she didn’t mention it. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/50 "2012-09-21T19:20:23Z")
> [@perfectparanoia](#): > > There is an important lesson about asking someone else to do something. You ask them to do it and let them do it their way. Sounds great, if his wife gets herself to/from the car dealer without his assistance. But she needed him to drive her there to drop off and pick up the car. In the OP case, it may well have resulted in a second pick-up trip; in post #27, it may well have been that sort of situation. IOW, getting the car fixed is a team effort, and she insists on dictating how it all goes down. Not cool. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/51 "2012-09-21T19:22:56Z")
I just can’t fathom this at all. “Honey, I’m gonna call anyway”. That makes her mad? Shesss. I hate to think what else set’s her off. ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/52 "2012-09-21T19:28:57Z")
She sounds dreadful. Are you married to this woman? Does she have a steady, full-time job? If the answer to both of these is no, I’d DTMFA. I am as serious as a heart attack: this little routine of hers of pretending to be helpless and then demanding you act as her rescue squad is extremely troubling. And not worth continuing if there aren’t any significant countervailing factors. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/53 "2012-09-21T19:31:56Z")
> [@enipla](#): > > I just can’t fathom this at all. “Honey, I’m gonna call anyway”. That makes her mad? Shesss. I hate to think what else set’s her off. Well not a lot thankfully. Its just that THIS and a few other related kind of things that also do are SO UNGODLY STUPID things to actually GET MAD about is what makes this so fracking irritating. Some other things would at least be something you could swallow. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/54 "2012-09-21T19:40:27Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Dude, he gets to say that, not you. You should apologize. Dude, her mom gets to say that, not you. You should apologize. I vote with **ZippeJJ**. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/55 "2012-09-21T19:53:41Z")
The question is if she’s doing these things because she really is stupid, or if there’s another dynamic going on. If it’s because she’s truly stupid, she’d thank you for reminding her of a better way to do things. The fact that she’s getting angry suggests that there’s some sort of control issue going on. This isn’t about doing things the right way, this is about you. Or her. Or I have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s why psychologists get paid for couples counselling and I do not. How would she react to your suggesting getting some professional help? ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/56 "2012-09-21T19:53:59Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > Dude, her mom gets to say that, not you. You should apologize. > > I vote with **ZippeJJ**. I didn’t even read the OP until now. I just like to vote and say “shit.” ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/57 "2012-09-21T19:56:42Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > Dude, her mom gets to say that, not you. You should apologize. > > I vote with **ZippeJJ**. Interesting, because it’s what your mom said about you last night. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/58 "2012-09-21T20:12:53Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Seriously? > > Step One: She gets mad if I suggest making a phone call anybody with half a brain would think was a good idea. > > Step Two: She gets even madder if I suggest that I could do it and/or won’t give me the number (not that getting whatever number wouldn’t generally be a snap). > > You really think Step 3 is going to be me doing it anyway and the result is gonna all be rainbows and unicorns? Unfortunately, if you have a good reason to believe that she isnt going to handle a certain task to your liking, you really only have two options. You either take the lead on doing the task. Or you learn to let go and shut up and accept the consequences of reliquinshing the lead to someone else. This is true even when you’re able to communicate with your partner. It’s especially true when communication is impossible because of hurt feelings and other baggage. I agree with you that taking lead on the task _after she has already taken the lead_ is not going work. What I don’t understand is why she’s the one handling all this stuff in the first place? Why not you? When the SUV’s light came on, who was the first responder? Was it you? If so, then how did she end up being the one calling the people and signing the paperwork and interacting with the mechanics? If she was the one showing the initiative to get it fixed, then maybe you need to take the initiative next time if the results of her initiative bug you so much. Besides getting a divorce and starting from scratch, I don’t know what else you can do. You can only control yourself, man. I can’t imagine being in your position because I’m so used to handling everything myself. ---
**Author:** ![somepumpkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7feea3/32.png) [@somepumpkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/somepumpkin)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/59 "2012-09-21T20:52:54Z")
So, is the car FIXED (warning lights, etc), or will you be driving another 40 minutes back/forth to the shop? ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346/60 "2012-09-21T20:53:33Z")
Your marriage sounds toxic, IMHO. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dumber-than-shit-or-not/635346.md?page=4)