# English/Irish/Scots/Welsh jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 24, 2018, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741 "2018-05-24T17:43:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/1 "2018-05-24T17:43:11Z")
So a band I’m acquainted with is going on a tour of the British Isles this summer. I’ve been asked to provide jokes for between-song patter. Leaning towards the kind that go “An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and maybe a Welshman are all in the same situation. Such as, but not limited to walking into a bar. The first guy does such-and-such, according to his stereotypical cultural norms. The second guy acts according to his own stereotype. Same for the third guy, or fourth if any, and the last one’s actions are the most extreme.” The keyboard player warned me, “But nothing really offense. Or controversial. Nothing about Ireland that’s Catholic vs. Protestant. Nothing about Scotland that involves sheep. Nothing that portrays the English as ‘fairies’, and, uh, I don’t know Welsh stereotypes, but nothing too insulting about them.” Any suggestions would be welcome! (They can be about just one ethnicity as well.) ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/2 "2018-05-24T17:48:12Z")
Supposedly, we welsh on bets. There’s a recent thread (the last 2-3 months) loaded with E/I/S/W jokes; not sure who started it, but it shouldn’t be too hard to find. Search term - “Whales.” ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/3 "2018-05-24T17:59:06Z")
Is the Irish drinking stereotype off-limits? Tons of jokes in that genre. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/4 "2018-05-24T18:00:11Z")
Found it: “Got any St Pat’s Day jokes?” IMHO forum, started by **Dinsdale**. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/5 "2018-05-24T18:01:35Z")
The one you posted in the OP would be a good one. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/6 "2018-05-24T18:08:15Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Nothing about Scotland that involves sheep. So ‘Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away’ is right out. What was the Welshman doing beside the road? Having a leek. ---
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/7 "2018-05-24T18:14:09Z")
As an Irish guy, my advice would be that it is a terrible idea that will go down like a lead balloon. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/8 "2018-05-24T18:15:38Z")
Okay! Irish drinking jokes will be okay. “Leek” – hee! There’s one I know, about an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all ordering pints that have a fly in them. The Englishman is grossly offended, and storms out to write a letter to the Times. The Scotsman flicks out the fly, drinks the rest of the beer, then haggles with the bartender to get his next pint free because of this. The Irishman pulls the fly out, squeezes it and roars, “Spit it out! Spit it out, ya bastard!” **buckety** Okay, why? ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/9 "2018-05-24T18:15:46Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > The keyboard player warned me, "But nothing really offense. Or controversial. “Controversial” is in the eye of the beholder. This sounds like a trap. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/10 "2018-05-24T18:28:08Z")
[This should give you some ideas.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vh-wEXvdW8) ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/11 "2018-05-24T18:33:39Z")
Where is this band from? If they’re not from the British Isles, are you sure it’s a good idea for them to go among strangers and start telling those strangers jokes about _themselves_, at least when those jokes aren’t based on personal observation? I’d think that “Back where we come from…”-type jokes might go over better. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/12 "2018-05-24T18:38:47Z")
**Thudlow** , yeah, you’re probably right. I’ll tell them that. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/13 "2018-05-24T18:43:21Z")
How do you make an elderly Englishman chuckle? Tell him a joke while he’s young. ---
**Author:** ![Baron\_Greenback](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baron_greenback/32/48_2.png) [@Baron\_Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Greenback)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/14 "2018-05-24T19:01:56Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > As an Irish guy, my advice would be that it is a terrible idea that will go down like a lead balloon. Seconded, from a Scottish guy. You really need to know your audience with this type of thing, and that does not seem to be what is happening here. ---
**Author:** ![Tatterdemalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/43a26b/32.png) [@Tatterdemalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tatterdemalion)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/15 "2018-05-24T19:14:33Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > How do you make an elderly Englishman chuckle? > > Tell him a joke while he’s young. They say an Englishman get three time the humour out of a joke as anyone else. He laughs once when you tell him a joke, once again when you explain it to him, and finally a third time when he gets it. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/16 "2018-05-24T19:19:11Z")
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Welshman walk into a pub and order pints. A fly lands in each one. The Englishman throws away his pint and orders a new one. The Scotsman picks out the fly and continues drinking. The Irishman grips the fly by each wing and demands he spit out any beer he’d swallowed. The Welshman goes out back and fucks the pubkeeper’s sheep. This will go over well in Cardiff. I assure that you be simply pounded with applause. ---
**Author:** ![Andy\_L](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c67d28/32.png) [@Andy\_L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy_L)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/17 "2018-05-24T20:04:05Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Welshman walk into a pub and order pints. A fly lands in each one. > > The Englishman throws away his pint and orders a new one. > > The Scotsman picks out the fly and continues drinking. > > The Irishman grips the fly by each wing and demands he spit out any beer he’d swallowed. > > The Welshman goes out back and fucks the pubkeeper’s sheep. > > This will go over well in Cardiff. I assure that you be simply pounded with applause. There are four kinds of people in the UK - First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on; Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours; Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/18 "2018-05-24T20:06:23Z")
Imagine a British band coming to the USA and telling stereotypical jokes about America (racism in the South; drugs in California, transgenders in New York.) :smack::eek: Then advise the band to tell jokes about themselves instead - we Brits like modesty and self-deprecation. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/19 "2018-05-24T20:14:25Z")
> [@glee](#): > > Then advise the band to tell jokes about themselves instead - we Brits like modesty and self-deprecation. Okay, you’ve convinced me. I’ll tell them that. (Still wouldn’t mind hearing some jokes for my own entertainment, though! ---
**Author:** ![RobDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f07891/32.png) [@RobDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobDog)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2018, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741/20 "2018-05-24T20:20:26Z")
> [@glee](#): > > … > > Then advise the band to tell jokes about themselves instead - we Brits like modesty and self-deprecation. Or whimsy. I’ve always liked this one from Stewart Lee… "“My grandad always said, “You should never judge a book by its cover.” And it’s for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/english-irish-scots-welsh-jokes/814741.md?page=2)