My lady live downstate
(Bo-WEE-bo duh-bump)
So if I want some sex
(Bo-WEE-bo duh-bump)
Over this here weekend,
Gonna have to bounce some checks!
Yeah I got the blues …
Not sure what to do …
Got those low-down, horny, destitute, bi-weekly pay, five days away blues …
You got a right to sing the blues if yo’ name is Big Black Bessie
People named Jennifer ain’t so qualified
I’m cute, middle class, and damn well-educated
I got no right to be so unsatisfied
But I am…Lo-ooordy I am…so unsatisfied
Ain’t down enough to sing the blues
buh-da-da-da-da
So I’ll sing the greys instead
buh-da-da-da-da
They kinda’ like the blues
buh-da-da-da-da
‘Cept they ain’t so sad.
buh-da-da-da-da
My truck needs an oil change
buh-da-da-da-da
And my dog needs a bath
buh-da-da-da-da
My wife went to the store without me, baby,
buh-da-da-da-da
And I gotta cut the grass,
buh-da-da-da-da
Oooh Oooh Oooh Oooh Baby!
Oh Oh Oh Yeah!
Just won the lottery
ba-da-da-dum
No bills in the mail
ba-da-da-dum
Tyra Banks gave me her phone number
ba-da-da-dum
And I got a painful hangnail
ba-da-da-dum
Got them painful, nothing-going-right hangnail blues
Even though I am a lawyer,
buh-da-da-da-duh
don’ know nothin’ about no court,
buh-da-da-da-da
today I got a good ass whoopin’,
I feel like Robert Bork.
I show up as requested
buh-da-da-da-da
right on the return day
buh-da-da-da-da
the judge is already jumpy,
'cause everyone there’s pro-se.
I got’s de estate planner blues.
The client was told not to show up,
buh-da-da-da-da
It was s’posed to be routine,
buh-da-da-da-da
The judge said “You’re gonna try this.”
never KNEW he was so mean.
I got’s de estate planner blues.
De client’s on her spring break,
buh-da-da-da-da
my boss, at Disneyland
buh-da-da-da-da
if i don’t get this right,
he gonna hit me with his hand.
i got’s the estate planner blues.
I begs the topmost jurist,
buh-da-da-da-da
to continue this for trial.
buh-da-da-da-da
He looks at me and grants it,
all full of hate and bile.
i got’s de estate planner blues.
i still have one more motion,
buh-da-da-da-da
leave to file a counter-claim
buh-da-da-da-da
I hope the judge, he grants it,
and that me, he will not maim.
i got’s de estate planner blues.
The man in black, he grants em’
buh-da-da-da-da
While giving looks that kills.
buh-da-da-da-da
I think I’m gonna go back,
to doing trusts and wills.
I got’s the estate planner blues.
I got my “move thread” workin’ but it just don’t work on you
I got my “move thread” workin’ but it just don’t work on you
I wanna move you to GD; I don’t know what to do
I’m going to email to the Reader to get a new mother board
I’m going to email to the Reader to get a new mother board
I’m gonna move all you threads right out of GQ.
I woke up this morning
Buh-da-da-da-da
Cat droppin’ books on my head
Buh-da-da-da-da
Hacking up hairballs
Buh-da-da-da-da
I wish one of us was dead
Buh-da-da-da-da
Got them evil cat blues…
:::harmonica solo:::
Well I woke up this mornin’
Couldn’t stop giggling like a loon
I said I woke up this mornin’
Couldn’t stop giggling like a loon
And if I don’t stop this giggling
They’re gonna lock me away real soon.
Well I wandered through the BBQ Pit
Never should have read this thread
I said I wandered through the BBQ Pit
I really never should have read this thread (this one right here)
Because I read it and started giggling
Now I got the “Can’t stop this foolish giggling over the name ‘Swishy McJackass’ Blues.”
[Picture me dolled up like Lauren Bacall, perched atop a pie-anner in Rick’s Café American]:
My Mama done tol’ me,
When I was in pigtails,
My Mama done tol’ me, "hon,
A man he can sweet-talk
And give you the glad eye—
But when the sweet-talkin’s done:
A man is a two-face,
A worrisome thing who’ll leave ya to sing
The blues in the night . . . "
Now the rain’s a-fallin’,
Hear the train a-callin’
Wooey—my Mama done tol’ me—
Hear the lonesome whistle
Blowin’ ‘cross the trestle
Wooey—my Mama done tol’ me—
A-clickety-clack, a-echoin’ back
The blues in the night . . .
From Natchez to Mobile—
From Memphis to St. Joe—
Wherever the four winds blow.
I’ve been in some big towns
I’ve heard me some big talk—
But there is one thing I know:
A man is a two-face,
A worrisome thing who’ll leave ya to sing
The blues in the night . . .
I woke up this weekend
Buh-da-da-da-da
Put on my shoes
Buh-da-da-da-da
I went out a-runnin’
Buh-da-da-da-da
Got me the chaffed boobies blues!
Drove my boyfriend crazy
Ba daa daa daa dum
Now he’s locked away
Ba daa daa daa dum
I’m losing my job soon, got bills I can’t pay…
I said Low-dowwwwwwwwn!
Low down, broke and lonely bluuuuuuuuues…
Oh yeah! I said low doWWWWWWWWWN!
Got those far from home, need a huge loan, gonna miss my joooooooooooob… blues.
Well I answered this thread (ba dum ba dum)
Then it suddenly died (ba dum ba dum)
Wasn’t one that I started (ba dee da ba dum)
But it still hurts my pride (ba dum ba dum)
Was it coincidental (ba dee ba dum)
Or something I said? (ba dee ba dum)
Either way it don’t matter (ba dum)
Cause this thread is def’nitely dead!
I got the blues…
Those low down Threadkiller blues…
I tried to resurrect it
But baby it just ain’t no use…
I woke up this morning
Ba daa daa daa dum
felt like I’m gonna puke.
Ba daa daa daa dum
I wuz screamin late in the night
Ba daa daa daa dum
for my boys at Duke.
Ba daa daa daa dum
Dey had dis man
Ba daa daa daa dum
Woods, he wuz a brute.
Ba daa daa daa dum
But when the night wuz over
Ba daa daa daa dum
The sad coach was Lute.
Ba daa daa daa dum
I got da Bluuuuuuues,
I got dem Blues.
Oh, um wait a minute,
I’m happy as shit!
I opened this today and laughed till my stomach was sore,
the tears in my eyes prevented me from reading and laughing even more.
I pictured Scylla stepping, in that stinky cat poo,
then Persephone’s post struck me so funny I had to run to the loo.
I’v got the laughing, sore stomach, tears in my eyes bluuueessss.
Had the stall locked around me
Wheeee deedle waah waah
And my pants on the floor
Wah wah Wah Wah Waaaahhhhhhh
Done finished my bi’ness
whee wah wah wah wahhhh
'fore I noticed the toilet paper weren’t dere no moooorrreee
Phweeeeeeeeeeeee
I got dem ole low down wondrin’ how much I like this necktie bluuuueeeeeees
(apologies for the out of tune harmonica)
I just flew in from Chicago!
Buh-Dum Duh-Dum
and boy are my arms tired!
Buh-Dum Duh-Dum
My love of them old jokes,
Buh-Dum Duh-Dum
Sure get’s me wired!
I know that’s realllly Lame!
Buh-Dum Duh-Dum
But Jester said it right,
Buh-Dum Duh-Dum
my problem is just the same!
Buh-Dum Duh-Dum
on cree-ativ-itty I am light!
I got the Llllllllllowwwww Down,
Stinkin’ Stankin’ Stunkin,
Don’t know how to make up shit,
Buhhllluuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
oooohhhhh Yeeeeeaaaaaaa!
Well, if I must…
This thread got me all wistful and bluesy about old pinball machines I used to play, and this will make no sense to any who have never played Black Knight 2000 (all of you?) so I added some double entendres to keep your interest up. (bah dah buh buh buhs omitted)
The Skyway Loop[sup]TM[/sup] Blues
(with apologies to the Williams[sup]TM[/sup] Corporation)
I got the skyway loop[sup]TM[/sup] blues baby
Time to “stand up and fight”
Roll of quarters in my pocket
Gonna play you all night
Labatt Blue[sup]TM[/sup] number twenty-two
Got me feelin’ alright
‘Cause if I can’t find me no lovin’
Gonna have to beat the Black Knight
Tried to save you from the night baby
When am I gonna learn?
Had no money to buy you things honey
And my wheels just got burned
Got a job flipping (Pinball[sup]TM[/sup]) burgers
If you’re gonna “spend” you gotta earn
Had your drawbridge down sugar
Then your heart did a U-turn
I went from a knight down to a knave
Maybe 'cause I ain’t so handsome
I didn’t have no Magna-Save[sup]TM[/sup]
And it kept me from collecting your ransom
(chorus)
I got the blues
I got the skyway loop blues
So hard to get the news
When they all leave in twos
I got the blues
(where’s that harmonica solo when you need it?)
Last night I had you rockin’
Why did you split the scene
I was pressing all the right buttons
Now my hands are on a pinball machine
(chorus)
(With apologies to the Kids in the Hall)
… Y’know, recently, I had a heart attack. And for several minutes, Mississippi Gary was clinically dead … Eventually, I was brought in front of God himself. Now, God was sittin’ up on a barstool with an old beat-up guitar in his hands. And He said to me,
‘Mississippi Gary, you is not to be dead yet; because I wants you to take this here song, and play it for all My children on the planet Earth.’
So I learned that song, and it meant so very much to me. And now I’d like you all at home to use your Cut and Paste, so you can learn it, and study it. The Words of God…
One, two.
bwEEE-de dum
Smokin’ on a Night Train, chewin’ on a jelly roll.
ba-da-da-DUM-dada-DADAH
Smokin’ on a Night Train, chewin’ on a jelly roll.
ba-da-da-DUM-dada-DADAH
I’m runnin’ up a flag without a pole,
I’m walkin’ on a shoe without a sole,
Smokin’ on a Night Train, chewin’ on a jelly roll.
[sup]Okay, here it comes now, Lesson One:[/sup]
You can’t cook an egg unless you got yourself a fryin’ pan. (You know it’s the truth!)
ba-da-da-DUM-dada-DADAH
You can’t cook an egg unless you got yourself a fryin’ pan.
ba-da-da-DUM-dada-DADAH
You shouldn’t rob a bank without a plan,
You shouldn’t use your tongue to stop a fan,
Smokin’ on a Night Train, chewin’ on a jelly roll.
[sup]Now, here it come now, Lesson Two[/sup]
You shouldn’t wanna do it if you don’t want to not do it right (yeeesss sir),
Eeba-dabba-dooba-dabba-deeba-dabba-doo all right! (I ain’t makin’ this up, hear?)
You don’t go dancin’ in the day,
You don’t go golfin’ in the night,
Smokin’ on a Night Train, chheeeewwwwinnn on … a … Jelly Rrooooolllllll!
DEE-de-dah-Dee-da-dah DUM da DUMMM
Lemme tell ya a story,
Bwaah Bwhaah Bwaah Bwaah
bout a man named Crack,
Bwaah Bwhaah Bwaah Bwaah
he found Straight Dope,
Bwaah Bwhaah Bwaah Bwaah
while searching for smack,
Bwaah Bwhaah Bwaah Bwaah
He don’t post a lot,
Bwaah Bwhaah Bwaah Bwaah
be cause he’s a boob,
Bwaah Bwhaah Bwaah Bwaah
and that’s why I’ll remain,
Bwaah Bwhaah Bwaah Bwaah
A FRIGGIN NEWB!!