# Enterprise: Dead Stop 1/1/03 \[Spoilers\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 2, 2003, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150 "2003-01-02T04:12:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2003, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/61 "2003-06-05T21:10:12Z")
No, i just want to bring home the bacon! I’m high on the Hog! I got a snout for news! i’ve gone hog wild! I shall pig out and become a hot dog! It may be cold outside, but i’m bacon in here! **Dr. Strangepork** : We seem to be drowning in puns, Captain! **First Mate Piggy** : Not if i can do anything about it! HIIIIIII-YAAH!!! ---
**Author:** ![Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linus_Van_Pelt)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/62 "2003-06-06T07:11:22Z")
Hmm. Miss Piggy as T’Pol (or would that be T’Pork?). I guess that would make Kermit Archer. Actually, considering Archer’s lack of a spine until recently that would explain a lot. (starts thinking harder) Hey, where did all of these wiggly lines come from? It looks like a dreeeaaammm ssseequence… **The Muppets Present: Enterprise** **Kermit/Archer:** Hi-ho everyone. Archer the Captain here puting an entry into the ship’s log. The admiral has asked us to investigate a strange object that was detected in an unexplored region of space. **Kermit/Archer:** T’Pork, do you have any readings on the object yet? **Miss Piggy/T’Pol:** Yes, Captain Kermie. It’s just coming into sensor range. It appears to be some sort of unknown phenomenon. **Chorus:** Phenomenon! (Do do, do do do) **Piggy/T’Pol:** Put a sock in it! **Kermit/Archer:** Piggy! You can’t do that. Vulcans are supposed to be unemotional, remember? **Piggy/T’Pol:** Oh, give it up. Everyone knows that Vulcan logic is a sham. They’re stuck up and stubborn, just like moi! **Hoshi:** Captain, we’re receiving a signal from the object. It appears to be a ship. **Kermit/Archer:** Thank you. Who are you? **Hoshi:** I’m Linda Park. I’m this weeks guest star.(Applause) Captain, the other ship’s captain wants to talk to you. **Kermit/Archer:** Put them on. (The screen just shows static) **Hoshi:** I’m sorry Captain, the signal is too weak. We’re too far away. **Kermit/Archer:** Travis, can you get us closer to see if we can get a stronger signal? **Beaker/Mayweather:** Murmur, murmur. **Dr. Bunson Honeydew/Phlox:** Captain, I just wanted to inform you that I have come up with new invention - a robotic Ship’s Doctor. It works by re-routing the technobabble particles on 12 different frequencies. If you are in trouble and I’m not around, it can give you one of several pre-programmed lectures on inter-species tolerance. **Hoshi:** Captain, we’re close enough now. **Gonzo/Alien Captain:** I thought I’d never find you! **Kermit/Archer:** Gonzo? You’re the alien? **Gonzo/Alien Captain:** Sure! Don’t you remember the end of _Muppets from Space_? Anyway, I’ve been sent by an advanced species - the Neilsani. They have determined that in order to increase your ratings, you need… (dramatic flourish) more Panda! **Fozzie/Panda:** Wocka, wocka wocka! **Kermit/Archer:** But you’re not a Panda! **Fozzie/Panda:** Look, frog: I’m a bear, and that’s about the best you’re gonna get in this silly skit. Besides, I’ve got a new act! **Kermit/Archer:** Oh, no! Tripp, can you give us enough speed to get us out of here? **Rowlf/Tucker:** Sorry, cap’n. I’d like to throw you a bone, but the engines are just dog tired. Besides, I have rehersal in about 5 minutes. **Kermit/Archer:** Mr. Reed, can we fight them off? **Sam/Reed:** No. And if you’d listened to me, we’d never be in this position. But, noooo! Nobody ever listens to the best advice they could ever get. Advice from me. **Kermit/Archer:** Shouldn’t you be English? **Sam/Reed:** Yes. But I’m the stuffiest person you have. And you’re lucky to have me. **Piggy/T’Pol:** Captain Kermie! **Kermit/Archer:** What is it? **Piggy/T’Pol:** Nothing. I just haven’t had a close up for a while. **Kermit/Archer:** Gonzo, isn’t there anything that we can do to avoid this? **Gonzo/Alien Captain:** Well… They did say that there was one other option. You can do a reveal. **Kermit/Archer:** What’s that? **Gonzo/Alien Captain:** A reveal. Take a character that has been spoken about a lot but never seen and feature him in an episode. You would need to reveal - Chef! **Kermit/Archer:** But we can’t reveal Chef! He’s one of our cute gimmicks. **Gonzo/Alien Captain:** It’s up to you, Captain: The chef, or the Bear! **Fozzie/Panda:** Aw, come on. I told you, I have a great new act! **Kermit/Archer:** Chef, please report to the bridge. **Statler/Trek Doper:** Hey, do you know why they call this show Science Fiction? **Waldorf/Trek Doper:** Because any science that they show is fictional! **Sam/Reed:** Captain, I advise against this, although I’m sure you won’t listen to me. **Kermit/Archer:** We just don’t have any other choice. Here he is now. (The bridge doors dramatically part to reveal…) **Chef:** Dinnur tam, youbecha! Bork, Bork, Bork! (fade to black) ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/63 "2003-06-06T07:57:48Z")
Mucho funnioso. I giggled like a tipsy **Kn\*ckers** all throughout. ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/64 "2003-06-06T12:16:05Z")
I did, too. Thanks, **Linus**! ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/65 "2003-06-06T12:56:02Z")
That’s outstanding, Van Pelt. But don’t tell anyone I said so. dammit. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/66 "2003-06-06T20:53:34Z")
_pokes thread with a stick_ It’s dead, Jim. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/67 "2003-06-06T21:26:39Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Aesiron \* > \*\* giggled like a tipsy \*\*Kn_ckers\*\* \*\* I’d take issue with that, Kn(\*)ckers. Notice how Kn(\*)ckers always starts trouble and then goes home? Humph. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/68 "2003-06-06T22:15:55Z")
i should get some freeze frames of episodes i have and just make my own story…that would rule… ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2003, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/69 "2003-06-06T23:04:55Z")
**Linus,** that was an A+! Even better than your lim’ricks. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linus_Van_Pelt)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/70 "2003-06-07T03:12:02Z")
Cool. Another A+ from the Perfesser. 🆒 Hey, **Viva** , am I that good or are you an easy grader? 😉 **Carni** , I won’t tell anyone if you won’t. So were you actually tipsy, **Kn\*ckers** , or were you just giggling like you were? Oh, and since he gets sulky when he gets left out, I’ll mention **Aesiron** (I figured I didn’t have to say anything, just mention his name). Thanks everyone. I was actually proud of this one. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/71 "2003-06-07T03:40:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Linus Van Pelt \* > \*\* > **Carni** , I won’t tell anyone if you won’t. > \*\* Thanks. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Linus Van Pelt \* > \*\* > Oh, and since he gets sulky when he gets left out, I’ll mention **Aesiron** \*\* Who? ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/72 "2003-06-07T05:20:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Linus Van Pelt \* > \*\*Cool. Another A+ from the Perfesser. 🆒 Hey, **Viva** , am I that good or are you an easy grader? 😉 > > SNIP\*\* I don’t give A’s that easily, and never pluses, so you musta done good. \<------summer hiatus grammar 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/73 "2003-06-07T06:31:38Z")
Pft… I only get sulky when the women folk ignore me. Speaking of which, sorry that I wasn’t here earlier, **viva**. Had a huge fight with my mom that lasted a good hour. Would’ve been here if I could’ve. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/74 "2003-06-07T19:30:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Aesiron \* > **Pft… I only get sulky when the women folk ignore me.** > > Do we not give you enough attention? There are only two or three of us threading in and out of here, ya know. 😉 > > \*\*Speaking of which, sorry that I wasn’t here earlier, **viva**. Had a huge fight with my mom that lasted a good hour. Would’ve been here if I could’ve. 🙂 \*\* Hope both parties are still standing… ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/75 "2003-06-07T19:33:26Z")
We’re both here… I forgive and forget easily. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2003, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/76 "2003-06-07T20:08:13Z")
That’s 'cause you’re a wimp. **REAL** men hold a grudge. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2003, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/77 "2003-06-08T04:28:56Z")
I had this on tonight while talking to my cousin and wound up missin’ most of it. All I remember was Hoshi cryin’. Don’t cry, Hoshi. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/78 "2003-06-08T04:38:14Z")
I take it back. You’re cool. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2003, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/79 "2003-06-08T04:50:10Z")
I’m not much of a man’s man, anyway. I’ll cry freely is sad, I like chick flicks, I hang out with the women on the Holidays instead of watching sports with the men, and so on. Damn proud of it too. 😃 By the way, I think I’m going through a quarter life crisis. I’m talking to a buddy on AIM and I realized I’m almost 22 and haven’t done squat with my life yet. I want to be 16 again so I can do some stuff over. Or, failing that, at least go back and beat the hell out of myself. ---
**Author:** ![Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linus_Van_Pelt)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2003, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150/80 "2003-06-08T06:06:24Z")
So **Cplant** , do real men watch the Muppets? **Aesiron** , at risk of sounding like a Custy Old Fartsup[/sup], at 22 nobody expects you to have taken on and conquered the world. Beating up on yourself isn’t going to help. However, I think we can all agree that smacking yourself around at 16 is probably a good idea. I have no idea what you were like at 16, but remembering myself at 16, I understand [sup]\*[/sup]. Where’s crewman Daniels when you need him? \*Please, current 16 year olds, do not be offended. I’m sure at age 40, I’ll want to give the current me a few shots as well. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/enterprise-dead-stop-1-1-03-spoilers/146150.md?page=5)