# Er, so what does the best man do, exactly? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 7, 2006, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742 "2006-08-07T19:26:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/21 "2006-08-08T15:24:06Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > The best bet is to sit down with the bride (alone) for lunch someday soon … “Dear _Penthouse_…” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/22 "2006-08-08T15:39:08Z")
1. Keep track of the ring. 2. Organize the bachelor party. 2a. Make sure the groom does not do anything at the bachelor party that will cause him to be thrown out of the house if the bride finds out. Make sure he is sober by the ceremony and arrives at the church, courthouse, or ballroom on time and presentable. 1. In concert with the maid or matron of honor, and the wedding planner if there is one, manage the reception–e.g., make sure the booze is flowing in quantities high enough to keep everyone happy but not so high that Special Uncle Sid gets arrested. Shut things down a reasonable period of time after the bride & groom leave. 2. If the bride’s ex-boyfriend shows up and begins to protest when the minister or JP asks if anyone has any objections, beat the crap out of him. (Obviously beating the crap out of groom’s ex-girlfriend is the responsibility of the bridesmaids.) 3. Oversee the decoration of the getaway car so that Shut down the reception after the bride & groom leave–not immediately, of course, but after a reasonable length of time. 4. If single, have really good sex with the hottest unattached bridesmaid. Do this as many times as necessary; she is not to leave until she has had so many orgasms that two of her friends must be recruited to carry her to the car. No excuses! ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/23 "2006-08-08T15:42:29Z")
> [@Skald the Rhymer](#): > > 1. Oversee the decoration of the getaway car so that Shut down the reception after the bride & groom leave–not immediately, of course, but after a reasonable length of time. er…that should be Oversee the decoration of the getaway car so it is whimsical enough to make the groom chuckle but not so tasteless as to enrage the bridegroom and keep your friend from getting laid on his wedding night. This may involve finding the least mature of the groom’s friends and handcuffing his wrists to his ankles until it’s too late for him to do anything stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Gozu\_Tashoya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7993a0/32.png) [@Gozu\_Tashoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu_Tashoya)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/24 "2006-08-08T18:58:24Z")
To-do list: 1. Make sure the bachelor party is fun, but not call-off-the-wedding fun.\* 2. Be Lord of the Rings. 3. Make sure the groom is no more drunk/hungover than he would be on your average workday. Maybe a little less so. 4. Make sure groom shows up, more or less on time, and more or less dressed properly. 5-9) The single bridesmaids. - Don’t make me start a “Help me plan a spectacularly disastrous bachelor party” thread. 'Cause I’ll do it! 😃 (But no, really, despite my love for all things that gyrate, I really wouldn’t know where to start.) ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/25 "2006-08-08T19:23:51Z")
> [@Gozu Tashoya](#): > > To-do list: > 2) Be Lord of the Rings. You’re going to unleash an army of Orcs and Southrons on the party-goers? You magnificent bastard. ---
**Author:** ![JustAnotherGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/58f4c7/32.png) [@JustAnotherGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustAnotherGeek)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/26 "2006-08-08T19:29:47Z")
> [@Gozu Tashoya](#): > > To-do list: > 3) Make sure the groom is no more drunk/hungover than he would be on your average workday. Maybe a little less so. > 4) Make sure groom shows up, more or less on time, and more or less dressed properly. Oddly enough for me… #3 was “keep passing brother the flask so that #4 happens…” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/27 "2006-08-08T20:01:10Z")
You should know that to a bride and her mother, there is no such term as “more or less.” Just sayin’… ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/28 "2006-08-08T21:37:42Z")
“You stay here and make sure HE doesn’t leave.” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/29 "2006-08-08T21:41:41Z")
> [@mrklutz](#): > > “You stay here and make sure HE doesn’t leave.” No, that’s the duty of the bride’s brother, actually, though he’s traditonally a groomsman too. And the exact wording of the instruction is, “you say here and make sure that, if he leaves, his balls stay here.” ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/30 "2006-08-08T22:09:16Z")
Isn’t part of the job to act as a decoy for any evil spirits that are lurking during the ceremony? Do your best to look more attractive to any potential evil possessors to keep the groom safe. ---
**Author:** ![RogueRacer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7ab992/32.png) [@RogueRacer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RogueRacer)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2006, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/31 "2006-08-09T20:38:23Z")
Since all of the funny stuff I can think of has been posted, I’ll just add to what a few others have said. The bride and groom are most likely going to be jittery all day. Little problems are going to crop up. The bride and groom shouldn’t have to worry about them. Take charge and handle the problems. Don’t let the incidentals stress out the bride and groom. Oh, make sure they both eat something before they start with the drinking. ---
**Author:** ![Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enter_the_Flagon)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/32 "2006-08-10T05:09:07Z")
[QUOTE=slaphead] Making an amusing speech about the grooms past life as a single man, and wishing him luck as a married man. Traditionally required to be somewhat risque and embarassing, [/QUOTE] In my toast, I skipped the “roasting” content, and made the toast witty but sincerely laudatory. I received no complaints, several complements, and the phone number of an attractive lady. Some traditions deserve to be broken. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/33 "2006-08-10T05:36:37Z")
From [_Nanny Ogg’s Cookbook,_](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0552146730/sr=8-1/qid=1155188100/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-3687223-1351864?ie=UTF8) chapter “On Ettiquette”: > [@](#): > > **Best Man:–** The best man has to marry the bride if the groom fails to turn up. He may or may not therefore have strong incentive for his other major task – making sure that the groom arrives looking smart and in reasonably good condition, and is vertical, or alive, or at least present. > > This can be a challenging task, since he also has to organize the party the night before, the sole purpose of which is to see that the groom does not arrive looking smart, ekcetra, ekcetra. So apart from a good head for strong drink, he also needs to know, to within a few minutes, how long it’ll take the groom to wake up, escape from the handcuffs, break out of the chickenhouse, remove all the boot polish (at least from visible areas) and hop all the way to the nuptial venue with both legs down one trouser. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/34 "2006-08-10T08:50:13Z")
If anyone pulls the “I object” stunt, you have to face them in single combat on the town green before the wedding can continue. Honestly, though, the only responsibility I’ve seen the best man take care of here is taking the groom’s gloves before the ring exchange (the maid of honor takes the bride’s gloves and bouquet), then giving them back after signing the marriage certificate. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/35 "2006-08-10T09:19:31Z")
It stinks really. Apart from all of the above (the young ladies and bridesmaid aspect excepted) you have to organise and then remain sober. Everyone can get as drunk as lords but you are organising it all (virtually) and when things go haywire you have to sort it out. ---
**Author:** ![JustAnotherGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/58f4c7/32.png) [@JustAnotherGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustAnotherGeek)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/36 "2006-08-10T14:04:19Z")
[QUOTE=Enter the Flagon] In my toast, I skipped the “roasting” content, and made the toast witty but sincerely laudatory. I received no complaints, several complements, and the phone number of an attractive lady. Some traditions deserve to be broken. [/QUOTE] I second this! (Although, I didn’t get any phone numbers for my speech. Then again, there simply weren’t any available ladies on the bride’s side. How impolite of her! ;)) ---
**Author:** ![Gozu\_Tashoya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7993a0/32.png) [@Gozu\_Tashoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu_Tashoya)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/37 "2006-08-10T17:28:59Z")
[QUOTE=Enter the Flagon] In my toast, I skipped the “roasting” content, and made the toast witty but sincerely laudatory. I received no complaints, several complements, and the phone number of an attractive lady. Some traditions deserve to be broken. [/QUOTE] Heh, I’m not going to go all out with the roasting, but it’s my best friend getting married to my cousin. Comedy gold! And ftr, I really have no idea what goes into a bachelor party, having never been to one myself. I do have the Scarface-inspired mountain of cocaine, but no idea where to go from here… ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/38 "2006-08-10T17:46:50Z")
[QUOTE=Cicero] It stinks really. Apart from all of the above (the young ladies and bridesmaid aspect excepted) you have to organise and then remain sober. Everyone can get as drunk as lords but you are organising it all (virtually) and when things go haywire you have to sort it out. [/QUOTE] Yes, but that only lasts until the bride and groom make their getaway. Once that gets done and the caterers, band, etc. get their checks, it becomes the duty of the Best Man to get shit-faced drunk and score with as many bridesmaids as possible. This task is made easier by the fact that most of them have had a hour or two’s head-start on the drinking. 😃 Side story: The last wedding I was in was as a groom’s-man. After the wedding breakfast, the groom gave his brother (best man) instructions to take me along and go pick up the kegs for the reception and deliver them to the hall, which was out in the middle of Wide Spot In The Road, Indiana. This task involved a number of quality control issues with the beer, which resulted in Bill and I getting to the church _barely_ in time for the ceremony. The groom was overheard to lament “I gave Bill and Silenus $400, the keys to my truck, and instructions to get beer. WTF was I thinking?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![butler1850](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@butler1850](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butler1850)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/39 "2006-08-10T18:51:26Z")
A good hint I give to all grooms, and groomsmen. MAKE SURE THE GROOM EATS, AND HAS A GLASS OF WATER \ ***BEFORE** \* THE WEDDING. Don’t let your buddy hit the floor when he gets all stressed out. The one guy that didn’t listen to me, did just that. The best man should also have his passport ready, in case the groom needs a sudden chaperone to Rio to escape. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2006, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742/40 "2006-08-10T20:17:29Z")
Usually, the best man signs the marriage license as a witness. You’re also supposed to pick out a gift for the groom that all the groomsmen will chip in on paying for. Consult them before buying anything, though. [QUOTE=Gozu Tashoya] And ftr, I really have no idea what goes into a bachelor party, having never been to one myself. I do have the Scarface-inspired mountain of cocaine, but no idea where to go from here… [/QUOTE] Going to a strip club and bar-hopping is traditional, but if the groom’s not into that sort of thing, it’s by no means required. Ask him if he’s got any thoughts about what he would like for his bachelor party. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/er-so-what-does-the-best-man-do-exactly/367742.md?page=1)