# Etiquette question: Catholic Mass (need quick answer) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 7, 2015, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254 "2015-08-07T17:24:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jebert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ec9cab/32.png) [@jebert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jebert)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2015, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/1 "2015-08-07T17:24:34Z")
I will be attending a close relative’s 50th wedding anniversary celebration soon. It will be an afternoon luncheon followed by a mass. The invitation does not mention renewal of vows - just a mass following the luncheon. I am not catholic, but I have attended catholic wedding masses. If I had my way, I’d prefer to skip this mass. Would skipping the mass be an insult or a slight to my relatives? What if it turns out to be a renewal of vows? ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2015, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/2 "2015-08-07T18:24:15Z")
If it’s like my folks’ 50th, the vows will be done during the mass. Seems odd they’d do the luncheon first, tho. ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2015, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/3 "2015-08-07T18:35:31Z")
As FairyChatMom said, the renewal will be during the service. I’m surprised the lunch is first, too. You have to abstain from food an hour before Communion, so usually you eat after, even though there will probably be more than an hour from the last bite of food until Communion. The Mass itself will be about a half hour in before Communion starts. You know your relatives the best and will have to decide if they’ll be offended you didn’t go. We took pictures in the church after my in-law’s 50th, so if they intend to do that, you might be missed. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2015, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/4 "2015-08-07T18:37:00Z")
If its a close relative, ask. I know most of mine wouldn’t care a bit but there are one or two who could. Sometimes its better to find out up front. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2015, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/5 "2015-08-07T21:52:39Z")
I would care since it would seem like a dine and dash to me, and the vow renewal is the important part, but only you know how your relatives would feel. Ask someone you trust who knows them. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2015, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/6 "2015-08-07T23:42:52Z")
Basic survival when attending services of a religion different than yours: 1. Stand when everyone stands 2. Sit when everyone sits And if you’re not Catholic, you don’t take communion. Sure, you can extend it to reading along in the prayer book, singing hymns in the hymnal, but 1 and 2 will do you just fine. ---
**Author:** ![Alley\_Dweller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alley_dweller/32/430_2.png) [@Alley\_Dweller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alley_Dweller)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2015, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/7 "2015-08-07T23:56:34Z")
> [@kopek](#): > > If its a close relative, ask. I know most of mine wouldn’t care a bit but there are one or two who could. Sometimes its better to find out up front. I don’t think it’s that simple. If you put someone on the spot, they might be polite and say “Sure, honey, do what you like” and then feel hurt that you couldn’t take an hour out of your schedule to see them renew their vows. It’s very rare that anyone will honestly say “You selfish little bastard, I’m going to disown you” even if they are really thinking it. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/8 "2015-08-08T00:19:20Z")
Suck it up and go. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/9 "2015-08-08T01:12:16Z")
It seems to me to be sort of like skipping the wedding ceremony and only attending the reception. I would go. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/10 "2015-08-08T02:40:12Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > Basic survival when attending services of a religion different than yours: > > 1. Stand when everyone stands > 2. Sit when everyone sits > And if you’re not Catholic, you don’t take communion. > > Sure, you can extend it to reading along in the prayer book, singing hymns in the hymnal, but 1 and 2 will do you just fine. In what way does this answer the content of the OP? Anyway, you’re asking if it is OK to come for a free meal, then get the hell outta there before the event itself. Whether there is a vow renewal or not, it is a mass celebrating their 50-year commitment to each other, and you are prioritizing your attendance to this event below, what, the opportunity to go home and watch TV or something? I think you already know the answer. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/11 "2015-08-08T03:15:06Z")
I’m assuming it’s because he doesn’t want to get Jesus all over him, but isn’t averse to a free feed. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/12 "2015-08-08T03:20:47Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > I’m assuming it’s because he doesn’t want to get Jesus all over him, but isn’t averse to a free feed. . Oh for God’s sake (see what I did there?). If this is the case, grow up and be a little uncomfortable for an hour in order to respect the wishes of this close family member at this important (to them) event. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/13 "2015-08-08T03:48:42Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > . > Oh for God’s sake (see what I did there?). > > If this is the case, grow up and be a little uncomfortable for an hour in order to respect the wishes of this close family member at this important (to them) event. > mmm This is the correct answer. If it’s their 50th wedding anniversary, you might also actually learn something valuable about how adult humans behave and interact successfully in society. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/14 "2015-08-08T04:11:05Z")
> [@jebert](#): > > Would skipping the mass be an insult or a slight to my relatives? Yes, yes it would. And if you have to ask, then perhaps you’re better off not going and just sending a nice card. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/15 "2015-08-08T11:53:32Z")
> [@Ranger\_Jeff](#): > > Basic survival when attending services of a religion different than yours: > > 1. Stand when everyone stands > 2. Sit when everyone sits > And if you’re not Catholic, you don’t take communion. Sit when everyone kneels. ---
**Author:** ![Claverhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Claverhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claverhouse)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/16 "2015-08-08T12:07:38Z")
It should be OK provided you buttonhole the officiants and make clear any objections you have to religion and religious practices. Be specific. Anyway, you could always discreetly play games on your smartphone during the actual mass. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/17 "2015-08-08T12:33:55Z")
> [@Claverhouse](#): > > … > Anyway, you could always discreetly play games on your smartphone during the actual mass. Just make sure you turn off the keyboard beeping sound. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/18 "2015-08-08T12:49:52Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > It seems to me to be sort of like skipping the wedding ceremony and only attending the reception. I would go. Is that really a bad thing? IME it’s typical for the reception to have noticeably more attendees than the church part. Other than for immediate family, the reception is what I show up for. In fact, I haven’t been in a church for a long time, and on that occasion something horrid happened. (Spoilered out of consideration of those with weak stomachs) my betrothal ---
**Author:** ![Alley\_Dweller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alley_dweller/32/430_2.png) [@Alley\_Dweller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alley_Dweller)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/19 "2015-08-08T12:56:38Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > Sit when everyone kneels. Out of consideration for those trying to kneel behind you, slide halfway forward on your seat, so that your back is not resting against the back of the pew and there is a little room between you and the back of your pew. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2015, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254/20 "2015-08-08T16:00:03Z")
> [@Alley\_Dweller](#): > > Out of consideration for those trying to kneel behind you, slide halfway forward on your seat, so that your back is not resting against the back of the pew and there is a little room between you and the back of your pew. Good point. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question-catholic-mass-need-quick-answer/727254.md?page=2)