# Etiquette question
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [December 25, 2011, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328 "2011-12-25T00:54:43Z")
**Posts on this page:** 13
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/1 "2011-12-25T00:54:43Z")
Short question, since I’m typing this with one finger on my iPhone:
My Mom died this past July, and she and my Dad had been married for 47 years. Their anniversary would have been coming up next month, in mid January. Would it be proper for me to send him a card? I don’t want to make him sad, but I also don’t want him to think I’ve forgotten.
What say the Dope?
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### Author:  [@slm2955](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slm2955)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/2 "2011-12-25T01:00:14Z")
I say send it. Unless he hated her, I don’t see the problem.
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### Author:  [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/3 "2011-12-25T01:00:43Z")
I certainly don’t think it would be wrong to send a card…not a “Happy Anniversary!” card though…a nice blank card with a picture of a flower or something and inside you write something about how you are remembering this day and you know he is remembering this day…
it obviously really depends on your relationship with your dad, but why wouldn’t you call him on that day? or do you mean call and send a card?
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### Author:  [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/4 "2011-12-25T01:01:20Z")
You might send a vague “Thinking of you right now” card to him.
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### Author:  [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/5 "2011-12-25T01:02:37Z")
I think a call would be much more appropriate than a card.
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### Author:  [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/6 "2011-12-25T01:20:38Z")
I would send him a Happy Anniversary card, with a note saying that mom would have wanted you to do it, or you are sending it on her behalf.
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### Author:  [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/7 "2011-12-25T01:32:39Z")
Call him.
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### Author:  [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/8 "2011-12-25T01:40:50Z")
> [@carlotta](#):
>
> I certainly don’t think it would be wrong to send a card…not a “Happy Anniversary!” card though…a nice blank card with a picture of a flower or something and inside you write something about how you are remembering this day and you know he is remembering this day…
>
> it obviously really depends on your relationship with your dad, but why wouldn’t you call him on that day? or do you mean call and send a card?
All of this. Send a card, and also make the call. If it must be one or the other, call him, but I see no reason not to do both.
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### Author:  [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/9 "2011-12-25T01:50:57Z")
I agree. Send the card and call. It’s not like he will have forgotten it’s his anniversary, and I bet he would be sad to think you had forgotten it.
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### Author:  [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/10 "2011-12-25T02:04:16Z")
You should acknowledge his loss. He will be thinking of it regardless of whether you say anything or not.
I think a lot of times people don’t say anything out of fear that they’ll make the person feel worse, but often it helps to be able to talk openly about someone you’ve lost and miss.
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### Author:  [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/11 "2011-12-25T03:06:59Z")
I’d call, wouldn’t send anniversary card though.
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### Author:  [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/12 "2011-12-25T03:47:41Z")
Thanks for the suggestions, all. I was planning to call for sure–I think I’ll do that and just not mention the anniversary specifically. More an “I was thinking about you today–how are you doing?” kind of call which, knowing my Dad, will quickly morph into our usual half-hour nerdfest and all will be well.
I like the idea of sending a “thinking of you” card instead of an anniversary card. If I do end up sending a card in addition to calling (and my dad isn’t really a card person–my mom was the one who was really into getting and sending cards) then I’ll do that. I’m sure he’d appreciate it, but he might wonder why I sent a card if I called too.
Thanks again.
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### Author:  [@highrollinwooded](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/highrollinwooded)
#### Post date: [December 25, 2011, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/etiquette-question/607328/13 "2011-12-25T15:05:23Z")
IMHO sending a happy anniversary card is tacky and in poor taste. Call him and talk to him about the significance of the day.