# Eve vs. Glurge **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 15, 2002, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199 "2002-05-15T14:34:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/1 "2002-05-15T14:34:23Z")
A friend of mine who _should know better_ just e-mailed me this, this morning: As I was walking down life’s highway many years ago I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store. When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide And when I came to myself I was standing inside. I saw a host of angels.They were standing everywhere One handed me a basket and said “My child shop with care.” Everything a human needed was in that grocery store And what you could not carry you could come back for more First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row. Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two. And Charity of course I would need some of that too. I couldn’t miss the Holy Ghost It was all over the place. And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race. My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace, And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me. Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill, For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will. As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in, For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin. Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf. Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself. Then I said to the angel “Now how much do I owe?” He smiled and said “Just take them everywhere you go.” Again I asked “Really now, How much do I owe?” “My child” he said, “God paid your bill a long long time ago.” This poem has been sent to you with love and for good luck. It originated in the Netherlands and has been around the world 9 times. The luck has now come to you and you will receive good luck in the mail within six days of receiving this letter providing you sent it out to someone else. Do not send money as this message has no price. Do not keep this letter but send it on to someone who needs good luck. Of course, good luck is just another way of saying blessings. Send 5 copies within 9 minutes of reading this and see what happens So. I just sent my own version right back to him— As I was walking down life’s highway many years ago I came upon a sign that read Heaven’s Grocery Store. When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide. And when I came to myself I was standing inside. I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere, repricing the Slim Jims and making sure the magazine racks were full. One handed me a basket and said, "My child, shop with care. And did you bring your Plus Price Card with you?” Everything a human needed was in that grocery store. Except Nivea moisturzing spray. First I asked for a satisfying job. But the clerk said, “Oh, I’m sorry, God gave those out to people who graudated from Harvard and Yale.” Love was in that same row, but the shelf was empty. “The right man for you? Oh, he died of leukemia when he was seven. Sorry!” Further down was Beauty. “You got here WAY too late for that, hon,” said the angel. I tried to reach for a box or two of Wisdom and Faith. And Charity, of course; I would need some of that too. I couldn’t miss the Holy Ghost. It was all over the place. Marked down to “three for a dollar,” in fact. My basket was getting full, but mostly with “Aging,” “Disatisfaction,” “Unsightly Wrinkles,” and “Friends and Relatives Dying.” The clerks kept pushing samples of Salvation, for Salvation was for free. In fact, they couldn’t unload the stuff fast enough. Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill As I went up the aisle, I got stuck behind some nun who was trying to pay with loose change and had 75 coupons. Typical. Then I said to the angel, “Now, how much do I owe?” He smiled and said, “Sorry, you’re condemned to an eternity of fiery hell because you broke a couple of 2,000-year-old rules in the Christian Bible. Oh, and all your gay friends and Jewish friends and atheist friends will be frying alongside you! My child,” he said, “God cooked your goose a long long time ago.” This glurge has been sent to you with love and to make your eyes roll back till you need an eye doctor appointment. It originated in the Netherlands and has been around the world 9 times. It keeps fucking coming back, like a bad penny. Do not keep this glurge, but send it on to someone who has annoyed the crap out of you. Send 5 copies within 9 minutes of reading this and see what happens. Yeah. Hold your breath. ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/2 "2002-05-15T14:43:49Z")
_Sniff_ That was beautiful… You are my new she-ro. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/3 "2002-05-15T15:40:01Z")
[Crow T. Robot (from the MST3k episode featuring _Giant Spider Invasion_)] Go Eve! Go Eve! Go go Eve! [/Crow T. Robot] ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/4 "2002-05-15T16:29:29Z")
Still haven’t heard back from my glurge-sendin’ friend—hope he took it in the proper spirit! . . . And learned his lesson . . . ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/5 "2002-05-15T16:34:51Z")
> [@](#): > > My basket was getting full, but mostly with “Aging,” “Disatisfaction,” “Unsightly Wrinkles,” and “Friends and Relatives Dying.” Can you put this on your list for your next trip to the store? We’re almost out of “Little Brown Heathen Disease-n-Miseryo’s™.” ---
**Author:** ![UncleBill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d26b3c/32.png) [@UncleBill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBill)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/6 "2002-05-15T16:38:06Z")
Beautiful. True art. ---
**Author:** ![Jadis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@Jadis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jadis)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/7 "2002-05-15T16:49:50Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Eve_ > Everything a human needed was in that grocery store. Except Nivea moisturzing spray. OK, I knew just from the thread title that this was going to be a classic, but the line above actually made me snort out loud at my desk. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Gundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Gundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundy)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/8 "2002-05-15T17:27:44Z")
I had no idea Heaven’s Grocery Store was a chain. I shop at one just like you described, Eve. This week: Buy one fat ass cheek, get one free! ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/9 "2002-05-15T18:48:42Z")
Just heard back from him. He says, “touche . . . and I like my Eve well done or even hard boiled, he said to the one whose goose is cooked.” ---
**Author:** ![kitarak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kitarak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kitarak)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/10 "2002-05-15T18:54:47Z")
Heh. Brilliant. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/11 "2002-05-15T19:22:36Z")
The best laugh I’ve had all day, thanks **Eve** ---
**Author:** ![Flamsterette\_X](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/41988e/32.png) [@Flamsterette\_X](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flamsterette_X)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/12 "2002-05-15T19:28:44Z")
Heh… made me smile. Thanks, **Eve**. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2002, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/13 "2002-05-15T19:57:19Z")
Have I told you I want to be your best friend? No, really. Yer pal, (Not everyone gets that you know. It means you’re special.) -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![OxyMoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9a140/32.png) [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2002, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/14 "2002-05-16T01:38:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > Yer pal, (Not everyone gets that you know. It means you’re special.) > -Rue. \*\* What, so Eve has to ride to school on the short bus? 😛 (brilliant, doll - as usual \) ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2002, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/15 "2002-05-16T03:54:31Z")
Eve, I genuflect in your general direction. ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2002, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/16 "2002-05-16T11:13:57Z")
I’m a very lucky girl. I don’t have very many people sending me glurge. But I will still copy this just for those rare occasions when someone does. Ooh, we should all start sending this out and see how long it takes to start getting it back. ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2002, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/17 "2002-05-16T11:23:45Z")
Will you save me a seat in the Dry-Roasted section? **Eve** you are magnificent. [sub]but we already knew that[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2002, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/18 "2002-05-16T11:44:16Z")
But…but the first one rhymed! Don’t you get it, Eve? It was poetic! Oh sure, the rhythm was _completely_ off, but it…it touched me in ways I didn’t even know Netherlanders could. Yours didn’t rhyme at all! Oh sure, it was funny but who needs more laughter in their lives? Not I. Bring on the diabetic wisdom, I say. ---
**Author:** ![katiekilldare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/838e76/32.png) [@katiekilldare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/katiekilldare)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2002, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/19 "2002-05-16T13:05:58Z")
Well, that was just wonderful. I get more glurge than I care to talk about, thanks to my Southern Baptist relatives. I might now encourage them to shop at Eve’s Heaven’s Shop. _Heaven’s Grocery Store_. Now, that’s just silly. ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2002, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199/20 "2002-05-16T13:34:03Z")
Brilliant, **Eve**. A keeper for sure. _Heaven’s Grocery Store?_ It has to be a Wal-Mart. I’m just trying to imagine what double coupon day is like. Do you think they honor other faiths’ discounts? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eve-vs-glurge/109199.md?page=2)