# Even if You Could Fix Your Gaydar, Just Shut Up! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 23, 2006, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843 "2006-02-23T20:40:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/1 "2006-02-23T20:40:02Z")
There’s this married couple I know and the husband is very much like me, he doesn’t think anyone’s sexuality is something that needs “intervention.” His wife, however, has a different perspective. She told her husband _not to hang out with a friend of his_ because **she** suspected he was gay. My family also met this friend and concluded he was gay. I didn’t think he was, but I also didn’t care. I haven’t seen that friend in a while, either. He probably felt embarrassed when their friendship essentially ended. So, the latest “victim” of her gaydar crosshairs is the husband’s brother. He recommended a book to her which had a gay character in it (sorry, no idea what the book was). This, coupled with the fact that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and probably just that he’s a nice guy, has brought her to the conclusion that he is gay. Okay, so shitty gaydar, I have that too (although, mine’s the opposite, I’m less likely to suspect that someone is gay even if they are flaming). But here’s where the pitting part of this post comes in… She told her husband that she felt she needed to _confront him_ about his homosexuality. Naturally, Husband said “No, not only may he be offended, but if he really is gay, let him come forward on his own time.” So, having had that discussion, she proceeds to email his brother with her reaction to the book. She liked the book, but added to the email, “By the way, are you gay?” The brother _was_ offended, said pretty much the same thing her husband said, and added “Just because I’m not sleeping with every girl on campus, doesn’t mean I’m gay!” First of all, why the hell does she feel the need to try to convert every guy she knows into a heterosexual? And that is made much worse when her gaydar detector is that far out-of-whack, that it seems to be set off by the slightest gust of wind. Now, I KNOW I’m on her “gay list,” because I haven’t been on a date in ages, the blind date they did set me up with years ago failed, and I’m soft spoken, artistic, I appreciate the arts, I’m not into sports, etc. I’ve set off lots of people’s gaydar, and I usually take it as a compliment (because I believe many of the stereotypes about gays are positive ones). I asked him if I’m on “The List,” but he didn’t answer (he might as well have). But I’m really suspecting that this is the reason I haven’t seen her husband in a long time (a few times in the last year). She’s probably afraid that my “gayness” will rub off on him. She also won’t let me take him to Hooters, though. Part of me wants to just act like a drama queen in front of her the next time I do see them, or show up in drag. I do a great Valley Girl. If anything, just to fuck with her mind. Of course, it could cost me a friend. If anyone’s got any vicious or creative approaches to this situation, I’d love to hear them. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/2 "2006-02-23T20:48:13Z")
That’s odd. My bitchdar just started beeping. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/3 "2006-02-23T20:51:20Z")
Fuck the husband in front of the wife and then tell her neither of you is gay because neither of you enjoyed it. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/4 "2006-02-23T20:53:33Z")
> [@Charger](#): > > She told her husband that she felt she needed to confront him about his homosexuality. Naturally, Husband said “No, not only may he be offended, but if he really is gay, let him come forward on his own time.” So, having had that discussion, she proceeds to email his brother with her reaction to the book. She liked the book, but added to the email, “By the way, are you gay?” > > The brother _was_ offended, said pretty much the same thing her husband said, and added “Just because I’m not sleeping with every girl on campus, doesn’t mean I’m gay!” First of all, why was the brother offended by what seems to be an innocent question? I agree it wasn’t an innocent question, but did the brother know that? Not that it matters, because she was warned he might be offended. Secondly, what did the husband do? I cannot imagine e-mailing any of my future in-laws and asking them such a personal question. And they really like me, but it’s just rude! Hubbie’s at fault too, for enabling it. If he lets her dictate who he’s friends with, then it’s his own damn fault too and she will only continue pushing. The I read this: > [@](#): > > She also won’t let me take him to Hooters, though. GRRR! Why do people like this get married?! WHY! Just get a fucking dog, so you can control its life for Chrissakes! You can’t control a person’s life, you can only hope for mutual respect and love. GAH! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/5 "2006-02-23T20:54:18Z")
Ask her if maybe her obsession is just covering for the fact that SHE’s secretly gay? ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/6 "2006-02-23T20:56:45Z")
> [@Charger](#): > > So, the latest “victim” of her gaydar crosshairs is the husband’s brother. He recommended a book to her which had a gay character in it (sorry, no idea what the book was). _The Wizard of Oz_? I’ve always had this idea about the Tin Man. and that little dog, too. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/7 "2006-02-23T20:58:02Z")
Put the moves on her. That’ll learn 'er! Maybe better to forewarn the husband though, so he’s in on the gag. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/8 "2006-02-23T20:58:29Z")
It sounds like _The Crucible_ meets _Will & Grace_. _The Cruisable_. ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/9 "2006-02-23T20:58:59Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > First of all, why was the brother offended by what seems to be an innocent question? I agree it wasn’t an innocent question, but did the brother know that? Not that it matters, because she was warned he might be offended. I heard about the email second-hand, from the husband. I don’t know if there was anything written beyond “By the way, are you gay,” but I think her opinion on homosexuality was already known if it wasn’t expressed in the email. On the other hand, there are a lot of heterosexual guys who are offended when someone suggests they might be gay. Maybe the brother just has some growing up to do. ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/10 "2006-02-23T21:21:11Z")
> [@Charger](#): > > I heard about the email second-hand, from the husband. I don’t know if there was anything written beyond “By the way, are you gay,” but I think her opinion on homosexuality was already known if it wasn’t expressed in the email. > > On the other hand, there are a lot of heterosexual guys who are offended when someone suggests they might be gay. Maybe the brother just has some growing up to do. On the other hand (there are lots of us here, so we have plenty of hands), maybe the brother was offended because it was a personal question that was none of her damned business. I’d be a bit put out by the question myself, just as I would be if she had asked me how often I masturbate. I also doubt the brother was in the dark about her attitude toward gay people – she doesn’t sound subtle – which would only make the question more intrusive. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/11 "2006-02-23T21:24:24Z")
BTW, **Charger** , are you gay? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/12 "2006-02-23T21:25:55Z")
> [@mrklutz](#): > > On the other hand (there are lots of us here, so we have plenty of hands), maybe the brother was offended because it was a personal question that was none of her damned business. I’d be a bit put out by the question myself, just as I would be if she had asked me how often I masturbate. I also doubt the brother was in the dark about her attitude toward gay people – she doesn’t sound subtle – which would only make the question more intrusive. Of course, you’re right…and it really wasn’t her damn business. I was thinking of all the straight guys that get so offended if anyone even presumes they are gay. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/13 "2006-02-23T21:30:57Z")
She sounds like an arogant asshole who thinks everyone needs to be just like her or “they’re gay”. She needs to validate her own identity by distancing herself from anyone who is different. Big self-esteem problem going on here. I’d confront your buddy and ask him to stand up that that controlling bitch of a wife he has. If he can’t do that, then you’re probably better off with him as a friend. ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/14 "2006-02-23T21:37:11Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > BTW, **Charger** , are you gay? Absolutely not, I’m _excessively_ heterosexual. To the point where my obsession with women may come across as kind of gay. > [@Otto](#): > > Fuck the husband in front of the wife and then tell her neither of you is gay because neither of you enjoyed it. This is the funniest thing I read all day, and a great suggestion. Maybe I am gay. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/15 "2006-02-23T21:39:50Z")
> [@Charger](#): > > Absolutely not, I’m _excessively_ heterosexual. To the point where my obsession with women may come across as kind of gay. Okay… ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/16 "2006-02-23T21:46:09Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Okay… I was once labeled a lesbian due to excessive attention to men my sophomore year of college. I lived in a coed dorm, men in one wing, women in the other, common area and lobby joining the wings. I spent all my time in the men’s wing of my dorm floor, not the least due to the fact that I was trying to get in bed with one of the guys who lived there. At least a few girls on my floor were spreading the rumor that I was a lesbian, as a result. How anyone could think that I’d be sexually interested in women and yet spend **zero time checking any of them out** , I don’t know, but there you have it. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/17 "2006-02-23T21:48:40Z")
> [@Charger](#): > > Absolutely not, I’m _excessively_ heterosexual. To the point where my obsession with women may come across as kind of gay. Er…what? ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/18 "2006-02-23T21:54:41Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > Fuck the husband in front of the wife and then tell her neither of you is gay because neither of you enjoyed it. How many posts does it take to get to the heart of the matter? (_One, two . . . [SIZE=2]» kkruntsch « . . . three._[/SIZE]) Three." Nothing after Otto’s post counts. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/19 "2006-02-23T21:55:42Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Er…what? I think he means it could be taken as overcompensating. See also Rosie O’Donnell’s fawning over Tom Cruise (not to mention **Ferret Herder** above). ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843/20 "2006-02-23T21:56:29Z")
“Excessively heterosexual” was supposed to be a joke. I failed to include this guy → 😃 Partly funny because I was playing off of the heterosexual guy being offended that someone thinks he’s gay, partly funny because how can one be _excessively_ heterosexual, but apparently mostly unfunny. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/even-if-you-could-fix-your-gaydar-just-shut-up/345843.md?page=2)