# Ever been caught masturbating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 9, 2009, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202 "2009-10-09T16:24:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/1 "2009-10-09T16:24:52Z")
A conversation I had with my son about masturbation: “Son, you’re not a dork if you beat off. You ARE a dork if you get _caught_ beat’n off. So be careful!” Having said that, I’ve only ever been caught once. I was in the shower and my (at the time) wife pokes her head in there because she needed her razor. She laughed her ass off. (and rightly so) I didn’t think I’d ever get her to shut up about it. ---
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/2 "2009-10-09T16:49:59Z")
nope. ---
**Author:** ![luvrbcs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@luvrbcs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luvrbcs)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/3 "2009-10-09T17:00:28Z")
Not yet. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/4 "2009-10-09T17:01:04Z")
Not while I was actually doing it but my mother caught me passed out with my hand down my pants :eek: God, I cringed about that for years and in fact I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that before. How refreshing. **Shakes** , your wife _caught_ you masturbating, as in, you don’t do it in front of her? ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/5 "2009-10-09T17:04:33Z")
I’ve been interrupted, but not caught. I used to wank it under the covers very surreptitiously, in the event that if someone walked into my room I’d immediately be able to stop the knuckle shuffle and no one would be the wiser. My dad surprised me a couple times, once right at the moment of orgasm, by opening my door and telling me to get out of bed or something. I’d feign sleepyness and move slowly enough that he’d turn and leave, giving me time to quickly clean up. My wife and I have a system to let each other know if we’ll be using our time in the shower to spank it, so we can spare each other the distraction. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/6 "2009-10-09T17:09:42Z")
I’m not sure. This one time, my then-GF arrived home unexpectedly. I kicked my flesh magazines under the bed and threw on some clothes in record speed. She never said anything but I bet she knew. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/7 "2009-10-09T17:11:15Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > A conversation I had with my son about masturbation: “Son, you’re not a dork if you beat off. You ARE a dork if you get _caught_ beat’n off. So be careful!” > > Having said that, I’ve only ever been caught once. I was in the shower and my (at the time) wife pokes her head in there because she needed her razor. She laughed her ass off. (and rightly so) I didn’t think I’d ever get her to shut up about it. Why did she laugh? Were you doing it funny? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/8 "2009-10-09T17:22:31Z")
Twice, both times by my brothers. C’est la vie. ---
**Author:** ![Yodalicious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yodalicious/32/8195_2.png) [@Yodalicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yodalicious)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/9 "2009-10-09T17:26:47Z")
My wife has caught me and I’ve caught her, but that just leads to good times. I was never caught by my parents, but my mother once found a stroke mag I accidentally left in the bathroom. I’m pretty sure she knows why it was there. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/10 "2009-10-09T17:28:07Z")
By my parents when I was little who told me it was dirty and wrong and bad. ☹ Parents, be enlightened about this kind of thing or you’ll traumatize the kids. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/11 "2009-10-09T17:32:50Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > **Shakes** , your wife _caught_ you masturbating, as in, you don’t do it in front of her? No. Never really was her thing. I guess I would have had she’d asked. > [@Telperien](#): > > Why did she laugh? Were you doing it funny? 😃 She claims the retarded look I had on my face was classic. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/12 "2009-10-09T17:47:59Z")
Today? Nope, been extra careful. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/13 "2009-10-09T18:00:07Z")
Sister (9 at the time-me 13) peeked in the bathroom (I could see her shadow behind the curtain)-told her to get lost, in no uncertain terms. No idea if she was able to put 2 + 2 together or not… ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/14 "2009-10-09T18:04:02Z")
Yeah, at 13 by my mother. She used to like to tell the story that I simply said, “Please close the door on your way out.” and then finished, but I certainly don’t recall it happening that way. In actuality, I just died of embarrasment. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/15 "2009-10-09T18:11:05Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > Yeah, at 13 by my mother. She used to like to tell the story that I simply said, “Please close the door on your way out.” and then finished, but I certainly don’t recall it happening that way. It became a bit of family lore!? :eek: I’d kill myself. Or my mom. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/16 "2009-10-09T18:36:15Z")
Red handed… ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/17 "2009-10-09T18:51:49Z")
I remember in high school it got out that a guy named Randy Morgan got caught and from then on it was my group of friends’ standard rhetorical question as comeback, a la “does a bear shit in the woods?” “Hey, are you guys going to the game this Friday?” “Does Randy Morgan play with himself?” ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/18 "2009-10-09T19:16:46Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Red handed… You need to check your diet, dude. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/19 "2009-10-09T19:18:25Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > You need to check your diet, dude. Or ease up on your grip. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202/20 "2009-10-09T19:29:27Z")
I haven’t been caught (yet), but I recently heard a great bit of schadenfreude: a guy was attending a business meeting remotely (hotel room, I think) and failed to notice that his embedded webcam was sending video to all the other participants of the meeting. The guy was watching pron and operating the laptop with one hand . . . and didn’t notice all the IM windows popping up from the other meeting attendees. I don’t know if he finally figured out everybody could see the action or if he found out when his manager called him with the news. My thought when I heard this story was this is why I don’t like being a people manager. That is not a conversation I would have liked to have. Since this story made the rounds at work I’ve noticed a lot of post-it notes taped over webcam lenses. 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-been-caught-masturbating/513202.md?page=2)