# Ever cheated in a relationship and why/why not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 30, 2013, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448 "2013-12-30T01:05:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/41 "2013-12-30T18:02:41Z")
Kinda. I was open and honest about it with both of the girls involved. Made a point of it, really - romantic notions of honour and honesty and all that. One was fine with it in principle (in practice I believe emotions got in the way, even if she never said so directly), the other was mondo jealous and expecting me to end my prior relationship. Which I didn’t. Eventually both relationships went pear-shaped in rapid succession. I still miss one of them. As for why… “I was a stupid, self-involved, insensitive cunt” has a lot to do with it. But more fundamentally, curiosity : I’d only been with one girl, and when a second one proved herself interested I felt like I could do with greener pastures, broader horizons and so forth. And I felt that if everybody knew what was going on, things would be fine. In retrospect I was a big fat idiot who should have learned to enjoy what I had, but there you go. I’m sure I’d do it again, though - I’m still a cunt, you see. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/42 "2013-12-30T21:47:42Z")
Never. Because once the trust is gone, the relationship is over, not to mention your reputation. And I think I would feel really cheap. The one time I was interested in a woman while still in a relationship with someone else, I told the someone else first and she decided she didn’t want to hang around to see how it ended. Ended up better for both of us. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/43 "2013-12-30T22:17:22Z")
lol, “emotional adultery” A bull$hit term no doubt made up by women ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/44 "2013-12-30T23:46:21Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Yep. And when you find that sexy, “foreign” hand, ya betta put a ring on it! If I want a handjob from a sexy foreign hand, I’ll just go to an Asian massage parlor. Unless you’re married to someone, why wouldn’t you cheat? Worse case scenario, a girl who you didn’t care enough about to be faithful in the first place breaks up with you. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2013, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/45 "2013-12-30T23:51:59Z")
> [@Cognoscant](#): > > But that kind of begs the question though. Are we at the Dope fine, upstanding citizens who would never cheat, and it’s just those _other_ people out there who are the cheaters? It just seems odd that almost everyone in this thread is coming in here to tell us how faithful they are. I mean, not that I doubt them, but I just have a hard time believing this is an unbiased sample of sorts. Well, let’s put it this way. Back when I was single I wasn’t exactly hitting home runs with the ladies. And now that I’m married and have a pretty decent home life, I don’t find myself having to turn away many disappointed women on account of I’m married and everything. So if I wanted to cheat on my wife I’d have to make an effort. I mean, if one of the super-hot young women at work decided that a middle aged middle income father of two was exactly what they needed right now, maybe I’d have trouble saying no. But that’s not going to happen. If I wanted to score one of those girls I’d have to put in a lot of effort, and the most likely result would be that I look like an idiot and get slammed into the ground rather than a quickie in the broom closet. I have much more to lose than I could possibly gain by pursuing outside relationships. The cost is high and the benefits are elusive. And I’m not just talking about getting dumped by my wife, we’re clear that ending our marriage over adultery doesn’t make sense. I’d have to spend a lot of time and energy outside my household, and I’ve got a job, a mortgage, a long commute, two young children, a wife, and a house where shit breaks and needs fixed, and I don’t have hours on end to spend chasing women while my wife and kids sit home by themselves. PLUS, I, you know, love my wife. And we have a good sexual relationship. And if it isn’t all my fantasies come true, no relationship could be. My wife is kind and generous and loving and most people in the world are crabby and needy and self-centered. If I had a sexless loveless marriage it might be different, but I don’t so it isn’t. If my marriage was horrible but I felt I couldn’t leave it might be different, but my marriage isn’t horrible and I don’t want to leave. Why would I trade what I have for the unknown behind door number two? I know for some people the allure of door number two is extremely powerful, this is why the casinos in Las Vegas are so fancy. But psychologically I’m just not built that way, I’d much rather stick with what I have than spin the wheel. ---
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/46 "2013-12-31T00:53:17Z")
I met my wife when she was 16, she is 60 now…never cheated. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/47 "2013-12-31T01:15:05Z")
I never cheated on any woman I was with. I have slept with a couple of women who were involved with other men at the time. Not proud of that. Does that make me cheater? ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/48 "2013-12-31T01:51:19Z")
> [@Cognoscant](#): > > But that kind of begs the question though. Are we at the Dope fine, upstanding citizens who would never cheat, and it’s just those _other_ people out there who are the cheaters? It just seems odd that almost everyone in this thread is coming in here to tell us how faithful they are. I mean, not that I doubt them, but I just have a hard time believing this is an unbiased sample of sorts. No doubt some people reading this are cheating right now, and just choosing not to answer the question because they don’t wanna tell. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/49 "2013-12-31T02:40:08Z")
As I said in an earlier post I had a 10 or 12 year span of cheating in a 20 year marriage. She never so much as suspected it. I have to look back and see what was wrong with myself durring this period. My father never cheated yet he was abused, downgraded and deprived of sex for many years with no break. I was on the defense, my wife was a lot like my mother in many ways and I was determined not to be like my dad. I was somewhat passive at home and cheating somehow made me feel like she wasn’t getting the best of me. Maybe a little more complicated than this but not much. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/50 "2013-12-31T03:00:13Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > You’re talking about three different things- physical adultery (any kind of physical contact, from intimate kissing to sexual intercourse), being human (looking at a member of the preferred sex with a vague sort of 'wonder what THAT would be like" feeling, but never acting on it), and emotional adultery. Emotional adultery is fairly commonly defined as having an intimate relationship with someone that negatively impacts your relationship with your partner. If I have a (male) coworker that I hang out with during breaks, go to lunch with, have drinks with after hours, rely on in times of emotional need, talk to about my problems (particularly problems involving my significant other), and generally prefer to be with other than my partner, that’s an emotional affair. There may not be any physical intimacy, but your heart is straying from your primary relationship, and that’s an issue.\ That’s a pretty good description of emotional adultery. > [@Stringbean](#): > > lol, “emotional adultery” > > A bull$hit term no doubt made up by women I don’t agree with this at all. Picture this scenario - a wife works with a guy that she adores (let’s call him Schmoe). She talks to him all the time, they talk and laugh and joke around and have long, heart-to-heart discussions, staying late after work, going for drinks, etc. They talk on the phone and text constantly when they’re not at work. She tells him everything; he tells her everything. They are the most important people in each other’s lives. Now, how much care and affection and attention is she going to have left over for her husband, when she’s giving all her attention to Schmoe from work? She and Schmoe have never really touched each other, but she’s completely head-over-heels for him, and hasn’t got any time at all for her husband. Her husband is a great guy who isn’t doing anything wrong - she just can’t be bothered with him, since she’s giving everything but her body to Schmoe. Does that sound like adultery to you? There’s been no penis-in-vagina, but she’s giving everything to Schmoe and nothing to her husband. You can turn the genders around and have the exact same scenario play out - married man who gives his female friend all the love and care and attention he should be giving his wife. What part of this is a “bullshit term?” You think it doesn’t happen? You think there’s no cheating if there’s no penis-in-vagina? > [@Cognoscant](#): > > But that kind of begs the question though. Are we at the Dope fine, upstanding citizens who would never cheat, and it’s just those _other_ people out there who are the cheaters? It just seems odd that almost everyone in this thread is coming in here to tell us how faithful they are. I mean, not that I doubt them, but I just have a hard time believing this is an unbiased sample of sorts. > [@Blackberry](#): > > No doubt some people reading this are cheating right now, and just choosing not to answer the question because they don’t wanna tell. Relationship threads at the Dope are a peculiar animal. Dopers are pretty smart, well-educated, competent people, but they have strange takes on relationships that should probably be taken with a grain of salt. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 9:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/51 "2013-12-31T09:11:17Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > No doubt some people reading this are cheating right now, and just choosing not to answer the question because they don’t wanna tell. There were a few over in **Zebra** ’s “secrets” thread who were willing to admit to cheating - a _lot_ of cheating - under cloak of anonymity, so I suspect you’re right. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 9:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/52 "2013-12-31T09:16:32Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > lol, “emotional adultery” > > A bull$hit term no doubt made up by women Plenty of men have GFs/spouses who have emotional affairs. It’s not fun. If you look on marriage advice and infidelity forums, it’s probably a majority men complaining about emotional infidelity. There’s more to a relationship than fucking. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/53 "2013-12-31T18:40:49Z")
“Emotional adultery” is a bull$hit term. Adultery is having sex with someone other than your spouse. Call it something more accurate like “emotional neglect” or “emotional detachment” but to use the words adultery or affair is a joke. If my wife claimed I was having an affair with another woman because I talked to her a lot and hung out with her a lot, she is obviously insecure and wants to guilt me into feeling like a cheater. However, that is not cheating. Cheating is sexual contact with someone other than your spouse. Same thing it has always meant. Diluting the meaning of spousal fidelity does _more_ damage to marriage than finding new ways to create tension and strife. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2013, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/54 "2013-12-31T19:26:21Z")
> [@Cognoscant](#): > > But that kind of begs the question though. Are we at the Dope fine, upstanding citizens who would never cheat, and it’s just those _other_ people out there who are the cheaters? It just seems odd that almost everyone in this thread is coming in here to tell us how faithful they are. I mean, not that I doubt them, but I just have a hard time believing this is an unbiased sample of sorts. I am now and have been faithful to my present wife over the past 20+ years of marriage. She satisfies me in every regard. My ex-wife was a different story: she was sexually cold, having almost no sex drive; she was raised as a strict Catholic who believed that sex was to have children; her idea of frequent sex was _maybe_ once a month, lights off, missionary; and that was early on when we should have been boinking like bunnies; she treated me like a not-very-bright ten-year old. Given those factors, it was natural that I would respond to advances from other women, and I had a number of brief affairs during our 20 years together. They were purely sexual in nature and up until I met my present spouse, there was little emotional involvement. I honestly felt I had no choice but to seek sexual relief outside my marriage, and I was very careful about not sticking my dick in the crazy. Most all (and there weren’t that many) were just looking to have a good time and weren’t the type to come looking for me later. The only regret I have about any of it was that I didn’t walk away from the marriage early on when I realized we were sexually incompatible. As for the liaisons, they were fun, energetic and satisfying. The women were eager, willing and uninhibited; in other words, what a woman should be. As I said: no regrets. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/55 "2014-01-01T02:19:13Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > “Emotional adultery” is a bull$hit term. > > Adultery is having sex with someone other than your spouse. > > Call it something more accurate like “emotional neglect” or “emotional detachment” but to use the words adultery or affair is a joke. > > If my wife claimed I was having an affair with another woman because I talked to her a lot and hung out with her a lot, she is obviously insecure and wants to guilt me into feeling like a cheater. However, that is not cheating. Cheating is sexual contact with someone other than your spouse. Same thing it has always meant. Diluting the meaning of spousal fidelity does _more_ damage to marriage than finding new ways to create tension and strife. OK. So, let’s say you or your spouse completely replaces the other with another or multiple others in every way possible, except there is no sex. What is that called? If you spend all your time with another, as a replacement for your spouse, it’s pretty extraordinary to claim that your spouse is “insecure” because she is opposed to you replacing her with another woman in every way except fucking. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/56 "2014-01-01T02:51:18Z")
Never cheated on my ex-wife, but then, we weren’t together all that long. In that brief time I became a lot more sympathetic and a whole lot less judgmental of people who cheated because their spouse was denying them sex and/or being emotionally unavailable or abusive about it. When we were engaged, my ex-wife promised me (unsolicited) that she would never turn me down for sex. However, the moment we were married, that promise (like all the others) went straight out the window and she would most often resort to excuses, emotionally abusive excuses (“I’m angry about you for (something imaginary), so I can’t have sex with you and you’re being mean to me to even ask for it! HOW COULD YOU!”) and worse. Toward the end, I had to admit that I couldn’t go the rest of my life like that and I’d either end up cheating on her, or she’d have to get therapy and stop that shit (ha!) or we’d end up getting divorced (somewhere down the line). Still not a huge amount of sympathy if you’re cheating for other reasons, but if it is to get the emotional and physical affection you can’t get in your relationship, and you cannot simply leave for whatever reason, then I at least start to understand it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/57 "2014-01-01T06:40:43Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > “Emotional adultery” is a bull$hit term. > > Adultery is having sex with someone other than your spouse. > > Call it something more accurate like “emotional neglect” or “emotional detachment” but to use the words adultery or affair is a joke. > > If my wife claimed I was having an affair with another woman because I talked to her a lot and hung out with her a lot, she is obviously insecure and wants to guilt me into feeling like a cheater. However, that is not cheating. Cheating is sexual contact with someone other than your spouse. Same thing it has always meant. Diluting the meaning of spousal fidelity does _more_ damage to marriage than finding new ways to create tension and strife. How do you feel about the term “an emotional affair,” rather than calling it emotional adultery? ---
**Author:** ![legal\_prestidigitator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/53a042/32.png) [@legal\_prestidigitator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/legal_prestidigitator)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/58 "2014-01-01T22:00:56Z")
exactly. bravo ---
**Author:** ![Cerealbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Cerealbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerealbox)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2014, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/59 "2014-01-01T22:19:01Z")
It’s hard enough to get one chick to dig me, let alone get another one and then keep them separate. I have homework to do, I ain’t got time for that crap. ---
**Author:** ![Roundabout](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dec6dc/32.png) [@Roundabout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roundabout)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2014, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448/60 "2014-04-04T04:57:05Z")
If my relationship was in so poor a condition that I had to cheat, there’d be no point to it in the first place. So to answer the question, no. Never. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-cheated-in-a-relationship-and-why-why-not/677448.md?page=4)