# Ever had a partner that says they're ugly? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 22, 2014, 9:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997 "2014-05-22T09:26:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2014, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/81 "2014-05-25T03:11:59Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > No. ☹ > > JC needs to think about the impact his words will have, even if he never “gets” empathy. When did I say I “never” get empathy? BTW I cry during some movies - I think that involves empathizing with the characters. I think I have empathy with real-life people too sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2014, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/82 "2014-05-25T03:27:57Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > When did I say I “never” get empathy? BTW I cry during some movies - I think that involves empathizing with the characters. I think I have empathy with real-life people too sometimes. There’s a difference between empathy and sentimentality. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2014, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/83 "2014-05-25T04:06:22Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > There’s a difference between empathy and sentimentality. > **[Empathy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy)** > > Empathy is generally described as the ability to take on another person's perspective, to understand, feel, and possibly share and respond to their experience. There are more (sometimes conflicting) definitions of empathy that include but are not limited to social, cognitive, and emotional processes primarily concerned with understanding others. Often times, empathy is considered to be a broad term, and broken down into more specific concepts and types that include cognitive emp Empathy is st... “Empathy is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another sentient or fictional being.” > **[Dictionary.com | Meanings & Definitions of English Words](https://www.dictionary.com/browse/empathy)** > > The world's leading online dictionary: English definitions, synonyms, word origins, example sentences, word games, and more. A trusted authority for 25+ years! “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” Anyway I disagree that I “never” get empathy. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2014, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/84 "2014-05-25T04:14:14Z")
I think it would be hard to be happily married for over a year to a woman who is somewhat emotional (not cold) without ever having empathy. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2014, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/85 "2014-05-25T04:56:27Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > Just buy her a big floppy hat I’ve been laughing hysterically for a little over a minute thanks to this post. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2014, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/86 "2014-05-25T22:47:03Z")
I used to have a lot of problems with empathy though. ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2014, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/87 "2014-05-26T01:56:39Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > Or there could be ways in which my wife is not quite “a lot better” and perhaps equal in some ways. - Your love is one in a million You couldn’t buy it at any price But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves Statistically, some of them would be equally nice Or maybe not as nice but, say, smarter than you Or dumber but better at sport or tracing\* - Tim Minchin ([If I Didn’t Have You](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE) ) ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2014, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/88 "2014-05-26T04:27:37Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Why do I open his threads? I find them highly entertaining. Probably not for any reasons he intended though. ---
**Author:** ![cococ173](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3ab097/32.png) [@cococ173](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cococ173)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2014, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/89 "2014-05-26T23:32:06Z")
What puzzles me is why the op thinks he has empathy. How can a person post on a public site what his wife or SO said that was so personal and private? If she knew it was here in b&w, she would curl up into a little ball and dissolve in the grief of betrayal. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2014, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/90 "2014-05-26T23:47:24Z")
> [@cococ173](#): > > What puzzles me is why the op thinks he has empathy. How can a person post on a public site what his wife or SO said that was so personal and private? If she knew it was here in b&w, she would curl up into a little ball and dissolve in the grief of betrayal. No-one I know in real life knows about my posts here. Me posting anonymously here, with a fake name isn’t hurting their feelings. If I in fact had no empathy then I would tell them all about it. And I’m not going to do that. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2014, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/91 "2014-05-26T23:54:51Z")
BTW yesterday my wife told me that her friend’s husband was abusing her friend saying she was a bitch that will never find a job, etc. My wife said that it is good I don’t say things like that to her. I said I’d only say that if I wanted her to hate me. (e.g. if I was feeling suicidal and wanted to sever all ties with everyone) She’d forgive me if I abused her a bit but I don’t try anyway - maybe I have some empathy. I asked my wife why she sometimes calls me a d\*\*\*head though and she later said she was joking or something. ---
**Author:** ![cococ173](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3ab097/32.png) [@cococ173](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cococ173)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2014, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/92 "2014-05-27T00:25:37Z")
JohnClay, I think you would tell someone about the post if you were mean or hated your wife. To me, empathy means not doing something if your loved one would not be happy with it, even if they would never find out. It means you can put yourself in her position and experience a bit of the feelings she would feel. For example, I don’t believe a truly empathetic person in a committed relationship would have an affair, even if they were sure the other person would never know. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2014, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/93 "2014-05-27T04:32:22Z")
> [@cococ173](#): > > …To me, empathy means not doing something if your loved one would not be happy with it, even if they would never find out… I disagree - I think empathy involves feeling bad and perhaps guilty - not necessarily avoiding something. e.g. My decision not to be a Christian wasn’t ultimately based on other people’s happiness even though I know a large number of people who express their unhappiness with that. > [@](#): > > It means you can put yourself in her position and experience a bit of the feelings she would feel. Yes but it doesn’t necessarily mean not doing something in secret. > [@](#): > > For example, I don’t believe a truly empathetic person in a committed relationship would have an affair, even if they were sure the other person would never know. Apparently about 50% of people in relationships cheat. My wife tells me she’d never cheat and I wouldn’t either. But we were talking about having empathy vs no empathy. I’m saying I have some empathy not necessarily being “truly empathetic”. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2014, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997/94 "2014-05-27T17:28:57Z")
We have instructed **JohnClay** to refrain from all posting on his relationship with his wife, including, but not limited to, sex through July 1, 2014. To help him comply with this instruction, I am closing this thread. **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-had-a-partner-that-says-theyre-ugly/688997.md?page=4)