# Ever wonder what Cecil REALLY wants with us? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 10, 2003, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591 "2003-10-10T01:23:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/1 "2003-10-10T01:23:58Z")
So, you’re Cecil, omniscient sort-of-journalist-cum-researcher, and you’ve established your own army of Dopephiles. Now, you make a few bucks selling them books and mugs and such, but surely the financial reward doesn’t outweigh the massive effort of finding out the answers to all these questions. So… doesn’t it ever seem like we’re being set up? Maybe he’s going to turn us into an army of world domination… fighting ignorance with force! The mind boggles at the thought. In fact, excuse me while mine finishes boggling. Okay, there… so what IS Cecil’s master plan, and when is he gonna reveal it to his underlings? _General Czarcasm has something of a nice ring to it… or how about Corporal Q.E.D.? Mess Officer Dutchboy208?_ ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/2 "2003-10-10T01:33:25Z")
I get to be Quartermaster! I was QM in Boy Scouts! _::looks around furtively::: Cecil isn’t real!_😉 ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/3 "2003-10-10T01:40:51Z")
Say it ain’t so! I always thought you were a chick… ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/4 "2003-10-10T01:41:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dutchboy208 \* > \*_or how about Corporal Q.E.D.?_ \*\* Hey, that’s classified! ---
**Author:** ![if6was9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@if6was9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/if6was9)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/5 "2003-10-10T01:45:42Z")
I’ll fight ignorance with force… As well as my feeble brain can help, anyways… ---
**Author:** ![Ilsa\_Lund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a6a055/32.png) [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/6 "2003-10-10T01:55:32Z")
> [@](#): > > I always thought you were a chick… Nope. Know any nice ones? 😃 Ilsa’s a character from Casblanca. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/7 "2003-10-10T02:31:02Z")
Guess you kinda missed the boat on that Ingrid Bergman thing… heh. If I find one, I’ll let ya know. ---
**Author:** ![Finnie\_the\_Pooh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@Finnie\_the\_Pooh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finnie_the_Pooh)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/8 "2003-10-10T02:57:51Z")
Whatever Cecil wants, I’m always ready. I ain’t lending Him any money, though! ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/9 "2003-10-10T03:09:47Z")
His wicked way. Any questions? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/10 "2003-10-10T06:28:36Z")
Does that mean handcuffs and whips and such? I’m not up for that… well, unless Cecil is really a hot gal, in which case I call first dibs on the signup sheet… ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/11 "2003-10-10T08:50:55Z")
Cecil’s dirty little secret is that he is not trying to fight ignorance, but to quench his own mad thirst for knolwedge. He has not assembled an army, but a herd of unwitting dupes. Ever notice how we disappear one by one? He’ll ask himself “which bounces higher when dropped from a ten story building, a loaf of spam or the human body?”, and then he’ll invite someone like **Wildest Bill** up to his penthouse lair. The mods conveniently “ban” Bill and we never hear from him again. Nice and tidy. I know this because Cecil invited me to his island fortress, once. Instead of the vacation I thought I was geting, that fat bastard subjected me to endless surgeries and “gene therapy” shots. I guess the half human, half tiger chick should have tipped me off, but that mad scientist turned my 5’9" frame into a 3’2" covered with hair and then slapped a prehensile tail on my ass. But I escaped, and now I’s got me a 12 gauge. Cecil, buddy, this is one simian that wants vengeance. And a banana. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/12 "2003-10-10T09:45:23Z")
Cecil wouldn’t be the first mad genius to promise me a share of the globe after he takes over… ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/13 "2003-10-10T10:29:28Z")
Another one for world domination. Of course, I plan to beat him to it… ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/14 "2003-10-10T10:40:40Z")
What does Cecil want with us? Everyone knows that stimulated brains taste better and are lower in cholesterol. Work it out. ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/15 "2003-10-10T12:47:42Z")
What does Cecil want with us? He will make his plans known to us as the Comet approaches… not before. I claim shotgun!!! ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/16 "2003-10-10T16:14:05Z")
Cecil wants us to want him. He needs us to need him. Etc. ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/17 "2003-10-10T16:22:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dutchboy208 \* > _General Czarcasm has something of a nice ring to it… or how about Corporal Q.E.D.? Mess Officer Dutchboy208?_ Dude, I have this thing with men in uniforms and a title. I think I need to be alone for awhile now. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/18 "2003-10-10T16:58:19Z")
Here’s the real story, and don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’s in cahoots with Jim Jones (who’s been laying pretty low since the Guyana incident). The Master’s Plan is to kill us and eat us. He lures us into an addictive message board, so that we will sit for hours on end reading the witty, entertaining, and informative posts, while at the same time, softening our physiques and removing the stringiness and toughness from our carcass. The combination of sedentary lifestyle and constant snacking will lead to an increase girth (more $$ per lb…), and at an appropriate time, Jones will offer us a refreshing Kool-Aid, laced with cyanide and a marinade, and we will eventually become the main course at the “Moderator Holiday Party.” We’re nothing more than veal to him. World wide, free range veal. It all makes perfect sense, now that I think of it. In hindsight, I really regret starting [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=210447&highlight=should+prepare). I did it before I figured everything out. Oh, well. Guess we all gotta go sometime. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/19 "2003-10-10T18:45:52Z")
[font size=8]Soylent green is _Dopers!_[/font] Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591/20 "2003-10-10T18:59:22Z")
Well, you get the idea… ☹ Esprix [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ever-wonder-what-cecil-really-wants-with-us/206591.md?page=2)