# Everyone On Earth Will Want To See This Movie (Now With Added Snakes on a Plane!) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 16, 2006, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992 "2006-06-16T21:01:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/61 "2006-06-21T17:09:19Z")
[QUOTE=GrizzRich] Also must include… -claymation by Nick Park -superheroes based on Stan Lee characters -a spit-take scene performed by Jim Carey -Jennifer Tilly in full vamp-mode. [/QUOTE] Jennifer’s people called, and she has prior commitments she can’t get out of, not for at least two years. If this is time-sensitive, they can offer us Meg Tilly in full mope-mode. Is it a go? ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/62 "2006-06-21T17:12:42Z")
[QUOTE=Chronos] Y’know, I was thinking that no single element would be enough to get me to see a movie (though several of the things mentioned in combination would… If Whedon or Straczynski ever did anything with Pixar, I’d be **so** there), but then I got to this:Yep, that’d do it. [/QUOTE] IIRC, Whedon co-wrote the screenplay for Toy Story. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/63 "2006-06-21T17:26:50Z")
**Happy Clam Studios** , in association with **SDMB Productions** , presents… **The Movie of The Century** (and Every Other Century, Before or Since!)… Adapted from the (unwritten) **Best-Selling Novel Co-Written by Raymond Feist and Stephen King** (based on plot outlines by Jane Austen)… With **Special Effects By WETA, Screenplay by Joss Whedon, Soundtrack by Nick Cave, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Andre 3000 and Lordi** … Directed by **Joss Whedon, J.M.S. and Stephen Spielberg** … With an All-Star Cast, the **New, Dramatic, Hilarious, Sensational, Satirical, Historically Faithful film noir Reimagining of the Life of Jesus Christ** … Fact-Checking by the One And Only **Cecil Adams**!!!.. JESUS! **Starring:** Ewan Mcregor _as_ **Jesus**! Angelina Jolie _as_ **Mary Magdalene**! Alan Rickman _as_ **Judas Iscariot**! Samuel L. Jackson _as_ **Peter**! Chris Walken _as_ **St. Peter**! Anthony Hopkin _as_ the **Narrator**! Micheal Keaton _as_ **Batman**! Shawn Micheals _as_ the **Archangel Gabriel**! Dakota Fanning _as_ **Angel #1** Cute Little Jack Russel Terrier _as_ **Angel #2**! Michael Moore _as_ **Himself** Paul Verhoeven _as_ **Likewise**! James Earl Jones _as_ **The Voice of God**! Geena Davis, Laura Linney, Jennifer O’Dell _as_ **Helpful Lesbian Cheerleaders #1-3**! Jennifer Tilley _as_ **Predatory Bisexual Cheerleader**! Bruce Campbell _as_ **Head Cop/Longinius**! Shania Twane _as_ **Mute Girl in Tight Corset**! Jason Smith _as_ **Silent Bob**! Kevin Mewes _as_ **Jay**! Jim Carrey _as_ **Spit Take Guy**! Stan Lee _as_ **Cameo-Man**! **Logline** : An obsessive-compulsive amnesiac messiah, a quirky angelic swordsman, a wisecracking gangsta rapper and a team of helpful cheerleaders join together for a heist in a Broadway theatre during an earthquake…but one of them will eventually turn on all the others! **Plot Outline: (contributions from the SDMB in _italics_- your’s is in there, somewhere!)** After a dramatic, _intensely-historically-accurate_ pre-titles scene in which Jesus (_Ewan Mcregor_) is crucified in a full-frontal bondage manner\* while Mary Magdalene (_Angelina Jolie_), St. Peter (_Chris Walken_) and Judas Iscariot (_Alan Rickman_) and Longinius (_Bruce Campbell_) look on, we are plunged forward 2000 years by the titles sequence, a brief animated history of the time between Jesus’ cruxifiction and the present day, _produced by Pixar_. _Reincarnated with amnesia_ in modern-day New York (complete with cameo appearances by the _Fantastic Four, Batman, Jay and Silent Bob, and the Simpsons_ on vacation [_claymationed by Nick Park_]), Jesus befriends a streetwise gangsta-rapper with a heart of gold (_Samuel L. Jackson_) named Peter and tries to make his way in this strange new world, which is plagued by _earthquakes, strange lights in the sky, ninjas,_ and other signs of the end times. Beset by the evil Liberal Media Conspiracy on the one hand (led by _Michael Moore_, playing himself, trying to disprove Jesus’ divinity, because he hates peace and love) and a bitingly satirical performance by _Paul Verhoeven_ (playing an obsessive film director trying to convince Jesus to be crucified again so that he can make it into a film) on the other, and torn by his love for the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene (Angelina Jolie again, natch), now a lesbian cheerleader in a _Broadway show written by Andrew Lloyd Webber_ (the show is set in _1850’s England, and features corsets covered by beautiful dresses_)- who rejects him, unable to see past his _obsessive-compulsive personality disorder_. Her colleagues, helpful _lesbian cheerleaders_ (_Geena Davis, Laura Linney, Jennifer O’Dell_, who will all get naked for a few scenes of _hot lesbian loving_ at some point) attempt to help Jesus win her love- all except for the bisexual Delilah (_Jennifer Tilley, in full-on vamp mode_) who wants Jesus for herself. He is also the victim of multiple attempts on his life by Judas Iscariot, apparently reincarnated also! However, his faith remains strong (in contrast to Judas’s cynical atheism) thanks to visits from _helpful angels (played by Dakota Fanning and a cute little Jack Russel_) and the _Archangel Michael (Shawn Michaels)_, who incarnates as an _exceptional if eccentric swordsman_ to help him achieve his destiny as the Messiah. Together with Peter, Michael persuades Jesus to _stage a whimsical heist on the Broadway show_ in order to impress Mary. We see Judas having a _long dialogue_ with a mysterious, deep voice (_James Earl Jones_), undergoing a _crisis of faith_ as he wonders whether he should, in fact, be trying to kill Jesus. However, at this point Michael shows up, and _kicks Judas’s ass_. He returns to Jesus (although telling him nothing of his brutal assualt- lots of _film noir dramatic irony, tension and camera styles_ here), and they begin the heist. However, it is interrupted (in the middle of an \* Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical number\*) both by an _earthquake_ and by hundreds of cops, led by a man who looks startingly like Longinius (_Bruce Campbell_), and all dressed in the uniforms of _Roman legionaries_ due to a mix-up at the policeman’s costumed ball. They have been led there by Judas, who battles Jesus, both armed with an _exploding sword_ (prop mix-up). During the swordfight, Judas realises that Jesus is not the religous maniac he had assumed, and explains to Jesus that… It has all been a set-up! The angels are actually _giant alien robots in disguise_, who have been manipulating Jesus all this time, trying to bring enslave the human race! In a climactic final scene _following a car chase to escape the cops/legionaries_, Jesus rallies the population of New York (including the superheroes, the Roman cops, and the Simpson family) from the roof of the Empire State Building, and leads them in a massive assault on the chief alien _(Shawn Michaels, having shed his Gabriel disguise)._ While a _massive space battle_ (a sop to the sci-fi fans, it will have _no sound and be strictly accurate in physcics terms_) rages outside, Jesus confronts the Chief Alien in his throne roam, accompanied by Peter and Mary. As all the people he has met during his adventure (Batman, lesbian cheerleaders, the works) battle the _alien troops_ (who look suspiciously like _monkey vampire ninjas_), the Chief Alien explains to Jesus that his race has manipulated humanity over thousands of years, using advanced technology to create the “myth of God”, including overwriting the DNA of certain individuals to reincarnate Jesus, Mary and Judas. Their aim is to fool the human race into believing in the Second Coming, so they will willingly serve as slaves in the alien’s galactic empire. Now that their plot has been discovered, the Chief Alien will have no choice but to destroy the world with his Earthquake Weapon. Taking on the Chief Alien one-on-one in a _deadly sword (lightsaber?) battle_, Jesus distracts him long enough (with his _superior fighting skills_) for Judas to appear behind the Alien and kill it- however, he is grievously wounded in the attempt (suprisingly enough, in his wrists and ankles). Having now twice given his life to save the human race, Jesus lies dying in the arms of a weeping Mary Magdalene, while Judas explains that this means there was no God all along, just the aliens. However, even as he does so, The _Voice of God (James Earl Jones)_ booms down from the heavens (mentioning as he does so that _he_ was the one to reincarnate Judas, creating a pleasing irony and scotching a continuity error before it even starts), declaring Jesus the new messiah! _His wounds healed, Jesus, Mary, Peter, Judas, and all the lesbian cheerleaders ride off into the sunset!_ All rights reserved, Jesus Christ this took a long fucking time! I hope you vultures are happy now…there’s supposed to be some cowbell, but I don’t know what that is. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/64 "2006-06-21T17:44:04Z")
BRAVO! (Brava? Are you a boy clam or a girl clam?) [QUOTE=Happy Clam] All rights reserved, Jesus Christ this took a long fucking time! I hope you vultures are happy now…there’s supposed to be some cowbell, but I don’t know what that is. [/QUOTE] Perhaps as they ride off into the sunset, they ride through a herd of cows. With bells. ---
**Author:** ![cards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecd19e/32.png) [@cards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cards)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/65 "2006-06-21T17:51:11Z")
All rights reserved, Jesus Christ this took a long fucking time! I hope you vultures are happy now…there’s supposed to be some cowbell, but I don’t know what that is. [/QUOTE] But…but…where does Quentin Taratino fit in? ---
**Author:** ![cards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecd19e/32.png) [@cards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cards)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/66 "2006-06-21T17:53:00Z")
Tara **n** tino, damn it. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/67 "2006-06-21T17:58:24Z")
Shouldn’t we get Geena in dual roles? She was listed twice in the original recap. Geena does twins! ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/68 "2006-06-21T17:59:28Z")
::stares at **Happy Clam** skeptically over his rich mahogany desk while sereptitiously checking his watch to see if it is time for his lunch with Halle Berry:: I don’t know… It’s an OK concept, but I think you need to punch it up a little. What if we got Justin Timberlake to play Jesus? ---
**Author:** ![Precambrianmollusc](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/precambrianmollusc/32/63_2.png) [@Precambrianmollusc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Precambrianmollusc)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/69 "2006-06-21T18:05:30Z")
OK so not for me , but apparently most of the universe needs to see some reference to codes or random mystical numbers/sequences. For me can we get Mr U. Eco involved? ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/70 "2006-06-21T18:29:48Z")
Zombies? Hello? How can it be a success without zombies? ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/71 "2006-06-21T18:50:31Z")
Sigh, everyone’s a critic! (Except you, **WhyNot**. You’re sweet. I’m a guy, btw.) Ok, Geena Davis will play Helpful Lesbian Cheerleaders #1 and #4, representing identical twins. The screenplay will be co-written (adapted from the best-selling novel by Stephen King, Raymond Feist and **Umberto Eco** ) by Joss Whedon and Quentin Tarantino (who will not, however, be allowed to act in the movie, although he may help direct it). The aliens will release a horde of zombies on New York, and Jesus will have to take time out of his busy schedule to turn them. Justin Timberlake will play Jesus’s evil clone, whom he must fight on board the alien spacecraft before battling the Chief Alien. And Judas will learn the truth after deciphering an elaborate code hinting at the alien’s involvement that God leaves scattered through the pages of the book of Revelations. Everybody happy yet? (Great suggestion on the cowbells!) ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/72 "2006-06-21T18:54:06Z")
We need to add another cheerleader, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who kills off Jennifer Tilley’s character in the dramatic zero-gravity space battle scene (with no sound and no banking, of course) where they fight it out in the control room of the Earth’s flagship. Oh, and can we get John Williams involved in the score somewhere? And where’s the steel-cage death match between Michael Moore and Ann Coulter (with swords–sharp curvey ones)? ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/73 "2006-06-21T19:57:24Z")
Look, I’m a sucker for Señor Wences - how about we have Pixar digitally re-animate him, and then Jesus can do a hella wicked scene with Pedro-in-the-box, while stuff gets blowed up in the background? “I am the Way, s’alright?” “S’alright!” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/74 "2006-06-21T20:10:37Z")
> [@](#): > > IIRC, Whedon co-wrote the screenplay for Toy Story. I did not know this… I didn’t even know at the time who Joss Whedon was. But I was, in fact, **so** there, thus proving my earlier assertation. Oh, and The Movie ought to be a sequel, too. That seems to be a big crowd-drawer. ---
**Author:** ![vbob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/vbob/32/4439_2.png) [@vbob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vbob)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/75 "2006-06-21T20:27:55Z")
Representative cross section of humanity, my eye! I finally had to register so I could remind y’all that a movie is not a movie without a train in it - preferably runaway, or busting-up-the-caboose-to-fire-the-boiler, but even that lonesome whistle moan offscreen will do in a pinch… ---
**Author:** ![Tracy\_Lord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@Tracy\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracy_Lord)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/76 "2006-06-21T20:28:50Z")
Is it too late to throw in a vote for Kate Winslet? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/77 "2006-06-21T21:38:30Z")
And maybe Ewan as Jesus can have a gay sex scene with Christian Bale or Jon Rhys Meyers who plays the disciple John? ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/78 "2006-06-21T21:43:29Z")
[QUOTE=Guinastasia] And maybe Ewan as Jesus can have a gay sex scene with Christian Bale or Jon Rhys Meyers who plays the disciple John? [/QUOTE] Only if we can insert Uma Thurman as the Whore of Babylon! ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2006, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/79 "2006-06-21T21:56:08Z")
> [@](#): > > Logline: An obsessive-compulsive amnesiac messiah, a quirky angelic swordsman, a wisecracking gangsta rapper and a team of helpful cheerleaders join together for a heist in a Broadway theatre during an earthquake…but one of them will eventually turn on all the others! So, in other words … there can be only one? ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2006, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992/80 "2006-06-22T01:14:12Z")
[QUOTE=Guinastasia] And maybe Ewan as Jesus can have a gay sex scene with Christian Bale or Jon Rhys Meyers who plays the disciple John? [/QUOTE] Or both of them and one of them can play Judas! Betrayal with a kiss, indeed. We can top that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everyone-on-earth-will-want-to-see-this-movie-now-with-added-snakes-on-a-plane/360992.md?page=5)