# Everything I've ever learned, I learned from Infomercials **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 29, 2007, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576 "2007-12-29T06:34:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Surbey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@Surbey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surbey)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/1 "2007-12-29T06:34:02Z")
Everything can be completed in 3 easy steps. Yes, everything really IS as it seems. When it seems too good to be true, you’ve got a good deal in your hands. Take it! If you wait till the end, you’ll get extra as a bonus. Ron Popeil = Einstein ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/2 "2007-12-29T06:55:04Z")
Steam comes from water. Rolling food makes it fully marinated in JUST NINE MINUTES! ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/3 "2007-12-29T07:40:28Z")
Operators are standing by! Can’t they afford chairs? ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/4 "2007-12-29T08:03:03Z")
But wait don’t call yet! ---
**Author:** ![Manatee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@Manatee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manatee)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/5 "2007-12-29T08:06:17Z")
The old way of doing anything is, by definition, inferior, and will lead to gouged fingers, gouged wood, and/or gouged eyes. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ has happened to me MANY times! If only there was a better way! Any process, no matter how simple and routine, is better and easier to complete if it is part of a “system.” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/6 "2007-12-29T08:12:53Z")
If you call in the next 30 minutes you’ll be entitled to the same price that you can get online 24/7 (or twice the price you can buy it for in a discount store a few months from now if for any reason you want it). Until now it would have cost you $905 to get all of things this waffle-maker/curling iron/garden tool/coffee-bean-roaster combo does, but because we like you- I mean really like you- you can get it now for just 3 payments of $19.95, _AND_ we’ll throw in 2 more free of charge (all you pay is $90 s&h). (In fact they’re actually losing about $30 on every unit, but it’s worth it to bring it to you.) Ex-Three’s Company stars really need work. Surprised about Tom Bosley though- he was on HAPPY DAYS for 42 years, you’d think he’d have plenty socked away. ---
**Author:** ![t-mobileguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@t-mobileguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/t-mobileguy)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/7 "2007-12-29T13:35:18Z")
IF YOU YELL ABOUT EVERYTHING. YOUR PRODUCT MUST WORK BETTER. (I’m looking at you Oxy clean guy) ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/8 "2007-12-29T13:56:10Z")
Every product is the be-all and end-all. Until it’s the new improved be-all and end-all. There is no problem so small and subtle that a high priced specialized product can’t be invented to “solve” it. ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Igor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Vlad\_Igor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Igor)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/9 "2007-12-29T14:02:28Z")
It’s only $19.99 if you call now! ---
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/10 "2007-12-29T14:25:03Z")
John Wayne had 40# of impacted fecal matter in his colon. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/11 "2007-12-29T14:50:36Z")
Kevin Trudeau is a fine upstanding person and “they” are trying to bring him down. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/12 "2007-12-29T15:57:19Z")
There’s never been a better time than _right now_ And if they give it away for free, it must work. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/13 "2007-12-29T16:23:16Z")
The audience is always right, even if the “host” is doubtful. For example: Host: “You mean that if I order right now, I can get not just one but two Turnip Twaddlers, plus the cookbook, the bamboo steamer set, and the chef’s knife, all for only $49.99? Wow! Isn’t that a great deal?” :: audience claps and nods with approval :: Host: "That seals it; I want one. Inventor: “Get two. They make great gifts.” :: audience claps and nods with approval :: Host: “You are so right!” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/14 "2007-12-29T16:24:15Z")
[QUOTE=t-mobileguy] IF YOU YELL ABOUT EVERYTHING. YOUR PRODUCT MUST WORK BETTER. (I’m looking at you Oxy clean guy) [/QUOTE] A Doper once referred to him as the “Oxy moron guy.” ---
**Author:** ![Surbey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@Surbey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surbey)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/15 "2007-12-29T16:25:22Z")
All of the worlds gold was kept in the basement of the Trade Towers but luckily was moved seconds before the towers fell thus giving you a lifetimes worth of coins to mint. ---
**Author:** ![PerditaX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@PerditaX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PerditaX)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/16 "2007-12-29T16:35:58Z")
Anyone without a [insert product here] is an inept idiot who can’t successfully operate a knife/can opener/garden tool/exercise machine without inflicting self injury, anyone without a [insert a different product here] is a total slob who can’t organize a pantry/closet/bathroom or fold clothes properly and whose wood/tile grout/ stainless-steel appliances/carpets/windows/clothes/silverware are utterly filthy. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/17 "2007-12-29T16:57:23Z")
Performing such tasks as cutting hair, greasing a panor cutting food into little pieces by hand will result in existential despair hair pulling and eventually suicide. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/18 "2007-12-29T21:27:18Z")
The primary purpose of knives is to cut up shoes and tomatoes, in that order. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![DudleyGarrett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d9b06d/32.png) [@DudleyGarrett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DudleyGarrett)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2007, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/19 "2007-12-29T21:50:19Z")
[QUOTE=Shodan] The primary purpose of knives is to cut up shoes and tomatoes, in that order. Regards, Shodan [/QUOTE] Don’t forget the common task of cutting cans in half! ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/20 "2007-12-30T00:31:06Z")
[QUOTE=Shodan] The primary purpose of knives is to cut up shoes and tomatoes, in that order. [/QUOTE] I learned that the human hand can cut a board… but not a tomato! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576.md?page=2)