# Everything I've ever learned, I learned from Infomercials **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 29, 2007, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576 "2007-12-29T06:34:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/21 "2007-12-30T00:33:30Z")
Most people on the infomercials are dumber than a sack of hair. Tying their shoes, cutting a tomato, slicing an onion, boiling spaghetti, opening a can…all these tasks are beyond them. Also, if you can’t buy it in the store and can only buy it with a 1-800 number, chances are it’s a piece of crap. YMMV, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/22 "2007-12-30T01:10:35Z")
We have this miracle product, and it will last forever and it’s the last one you will ever need, but we’ll give you TWO of them of them with your order. And no, it’s not possible to get only one of them for half the price. The universe would explode. ---
**Author:** ![Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Superfluous\_Parentheses](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superfluous_Parentheses)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/23 "2007-12-30T01:32:53Z")
You can make healthy juice out of anything remotely edible. And you can blend everything else. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/24 "2007-12-30T01:41:43Z")
[QUOTE=Superfluous Parentheses] You can make healthy juice out of anything remotely edible. And you can blend everything else. [/QUOTE] Mmmm… cauliflower and onion juice. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/25 "2007-12-30T02:11:21Z")
Every product in the world can be divided into two categories: Those that can be bought for three easy payments. Those that come with a whole series of bonus products if you order now. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/26 "2007-12-30T02:14:32Z")
[QUOTE=kunilou] Every product in the world can be divided into two categories: Those that can be bought for three easy payments. Those that come with a whole series of bonus products if you order now. [/QUOTE] You forgot the third: The entirely unsatisfactory old-school products available at your local stores. ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/27 "2007-12-30T02:37:00Z")
With 3 payments of mumblemumbleninetynine you can buy this exercise machine that will turn your fat ass into that of a Victoria Secret model. And with no effort whatsoever. ---
**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/28 "2007-12-30T02:42:58Z")
Firstly, I can set it; thereafter, I am free to forget it. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/29 "2007-12-30T16:10:21Z")
[QUOTE=Mighty\_Girl] With 3 payments of mumblemumbleninetynine… [/QUOTE] Remember to read the fine print, or listen to the fast-talking guy (or both): Does not include $14.99 shipping and handling charge. Not for sale in Nevada, Alabama, or Delaware. California, Nebraska, and, NewJersey residents, add sales tax. Sorry, no CODs. Allow six to eight weeks for delivery. Returns require an RMA number. Prepaid returns only; buyer assumes all freight charges. Returns subject to a $7 restocking fee. Price in US funds only. Canadian orders add $10. No Mexican or foreign orders. Void where prohibited. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/30 "2007-12-30T16:14:07Z")
[QUOTE=Spoons] Canadian orders add $10. No Mexican or foreign orders. [/QUOTE] Canadian has stopped being foreign? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/31 "2007-12-30T16:17:56Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] Canadian has stopped being foreign? [/QUOTE] No, but they don’t _understand_ they’re foreigners. Neither do Mexicans, which is why they also had to be specified as a separate group than “foreigners”. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![PerditaX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@PerditaX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PerditaX)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/32 "2007-12-30T16:43:00Z")
Off-topic, but don’t you love the Google ads at the bottom of this thread? Miracle Blade? Ronco Products at Amazon? Kevin Trudeau’s Weight Loss Book? ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/33 "2007-12-30T16:51:19Z")
No matter what your degree, if you put on a lab coat, you are an expert. Oh, and benzoyl peroxide works much, much better if it’s “finely milled.” ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/34 "2007-12-30T16:56:51Z")
Is there anything Hollywood celebrities DON’T know? Because they are brought in to provide their expert testimony and endorsement to EVERYTHING. Particularly George Foreman, who is clearly right up their with Einstein and Da Vinci. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2007, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/35 "2007-12-30T17:10:12Z")
[QUOTE=Otto] Canadian has stopped being foreign? [/QUOTE] Not according to many commercials and infomercials, which often state things just as I said. Heck, look at the fine print in magazine subscription information–it’s not uncommon to see “Canadian orders add $6, foreign orders add $10” or similar. It’s probably more a practical matter though–it is generally less expensive to ship things from a US address to Canada than it is to, say, Europe. Under those circumstances, and with the amount of time and space given to the fine print, using “Canadian” to mean “neither American nor overseas or otherwise foreign but in its own category for shipping purposes” just makes sense. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2007, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/36 "2007-12-31T02:11:47Z")
Also, negative ions will cure all ails. Most of the technology is already used by NASA. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2007, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/37 "2007-12-31T03:34:18Z")
Whatever we sell will replace EVERYTHING ELSE in your kitchen, and for a fraction of the price. You will also save a virtual infinity of time (because our product allows you to do everything in SECONDS that would normally take WEEKS, kill several people in your family, and start a worldwide compost epidemic), AND you will be healthier because…it’s HEALTHIER! Did we mention that you can buy a second home with the money you’ll save? Oh, and anyone who doesn’t buy our thing is pathetic because they can only appear in b&w. That’s how pathetic they are. And we will send it to you FREE (just pay the shipping…so it’s not _really_ free…but technically it is, because we’re not charging you for the doohickey, we’re charging you just for the shipping…so it’s FREE…but you still have to pay us…) Just shut up and give us your money, okay? You’ll save more money than you ever thought possible if you’d just give it to us. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2007, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/38 "2007-12-31T03:42:00Z")
And we’ll send you FREE REPLACEMENTS FOR LIFE, for only a small shipping and handling fee\*. \*Shipping costs will be caculated based on the cost per pound FOB low earth orbit on the space shuttle. Handling costs will include the handling of the raw ores, the smelters, and the assembly line workers, in addition to the hourly rate of space shuttle pilots. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2007, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/39 "2007-12-31T03:47:46Z")
Not only is The Magic Bullet _not_ a vibrator, it’s the perfect thing for hangovers after drinking all night with a bum named Bourbon. ---
**Author:** ![WolfpackJeep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpackjeep/32/2921_2.png) [@WolfpackJeep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WolfpackJeep)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2007, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576/40 "2007-12-31T05:15:45Z")
Pasta just doesn’t drain properly unless the device it’s being drained in is FLOATING IN MIDAIR!!! I’m not sure that one really counts as an infomercial though, especially since you can’t SET IT AND FORGET IT!!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/everything-ive-ever-learned-i-learned-from-infomercials/431576.md?page=3)