# Evil fantasies **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 2, 2005, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325 "2005-08-02T17:07:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/21 "2005-08-03T16:34:39Z")
I want to equip all public toilets with a device that, if someone “hovers” over the toilet instead of sitting down, sends a huge fountain of toilet contents at high pressure shooting up at the person. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/22 "2005-08-03T16:49:14Z")
One day at work my boss bonked his head on a shelf and was whining all day about how much it hurt, but at the same time refused to do anything about it, acting like he was some kind of hero for continuing to work normally. I was using a rubber mallet to whack a bracket out of some slat wall at the time, and I briefly visualized smacking him in the head with it to shut him up. ---
**Author:** ![Future\_Londonite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9dc877/32.png) [@Future\_Londonite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Future_Londonite)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2005, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/23 "2005-08-03T17:02:15Z")
I have two but I’m trying to make up my mind whether they are ‘evil’ or ‘disturbed’… Push someone in front of the metro while it’s pulling into the station (preferably a homeless bum - hardly anyone misses those) just to see if I could get away with it Round up all the homeless people in DC (especially Dupont) and ship them off to work farms somewhere in Texas orso and have them work to earn their food and such ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/24 "2005-08-04T10:28:13Z")
There’s this yuppy smug maternity wear shop in my street with the slogan “When looking good is twice as important”. I want to go in there one day and ask in the politest possible and genuine sounding voice if they could explain why this would be the case. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/25 "2005-08-04T11:14:52Z")
At Yonge and Bloor in Toronto, there are often competing street-corner preachers. The Muslims stake out the northwest corner next to the Fancy Clothing Store Inside A Heritage Building With Stainless-Steel Exterior Mods. The Christians camp on the southwest corner outside H&M. (Random crazies sometimes occupy the southeast corner, where Dundas Square touches the intersection, but this isn’t as usual. The northeast corner is occupied by a construction hoarding that’s been there long enough to accumulate so many posters and staples that they just walled it over with another layer of plywood, but this rarely attracts more than a beggar. Between the people waiting to cross the street and the people waiting for the streetcar, there’s just not enough room…) Anyways… I’d like to lock all these competing proselytisers in a titanium cage and say, “You folks are mutually contradictory, and you’re bugging the rest of us. Work it out between you. Only one of you is coming out.” ---
**Author:** ![Diceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/26 "2005-08-04T11:28:01Z")
> [@EuroMDguy](#): > > I have two but I’m trying to make up my mind whether they are ‘evil’ or ‘disturbed’… Frankly, I say that both terms are appropriate for those fantasies. ---
**Author:** ![Scoundrel\_Swanswater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@Scoundrel\_Swanswater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scoundrel_Swanswater)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2005, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/27 "2005-08-04T12:12:09Z")
I would like to follow somebody who cut me off, or didn’t signal and take away their keys and throw them in the sewer. Aaaaah, that would be nice. ---
**Author:** ![bauble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f6c823/32.png) [@bauble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bauble)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/28 "2005-08-05T17:07:06Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > I’d like a magic Hair Ray to grow instant fuzz on all those bad-ass-wannabee dudes with shaven heads. If you had a ray that would make hair grow, I wouldn’t have shaved my head in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/29 "2005-08-05T17:43:50Z")
> [@Stinkum](#): > > I want to get a device that, when aimed at impossibly loud car stereos (window-shakers), switches from whatever rap-crap or heavy metal the driver is listening to NPR or the local “easy listening” station. > > I also want a camera that takes a picture of the driver’s reaction when the music changes. > > That would be fun. AMEN! I’d want my device to just burn out their speakers though. Or kill the whole electrical system. Sometimes a guy just wants to be a mad scientist. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/30 "2005-08-05T17:48:12Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > Hmmm…where to start? > > Well, there’s the one of just of pressing a button. > > The Button. Stanley? ---
**Author:** ![EarthStone777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@EarthStone777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EarthStone777)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/31 "2005-08-05T18:08:48Z")
During the many years I lived in Boston without a car my fantasy was… When waiting at a corner for the walk signal, and a car would rudely stop _right on the cross walk_, to just walk foward anyway in a straight line, hopping up onto their hood, taking two steps across, jumping back down onto the street, and continuing on my way without ever looking in their direction or acknowledging their existance. During the many years I lived in Boston with a car my fantasy was… When driving surrounded by bad drivers (meaning every day) who ignore the rules of the road, don’t use turn signals, etc… to have an old beat up car that I cared nothing about and to _not_ drive defensively, to just drive normally and legally, but to _not dodge_ when they do something stupid. “Oh look, our cars sideswiped each other. I had the right of way and you changed lanes without a signal. I guess I didn’t notice that you were doing something stupid in time and we hit each other. Too bad you’re driving a $30K SUV and I’m driving a piece of crap. I wonder what it’ll cost you to get that fixed? Of course I could care less about one more dent or scrape on my rust bucket. Bummer for you.” ---
**Author:** ![akira5822](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/53a042/32.png) [@akira5822](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/akira5822)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/32 "2005-08-05T18:21:07Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > I want one of those million-candlepower landing lights off a 747 mounted in the rear of my car facing backward to burn out the retinas of tailgaters. Your my new hero. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/33 "2005-08-05T18:40:58Z")
EarthStone777, Side note on that topic: the best driving experience that I had in my whole live was when I was moving out of Boston. I had a massive U-Haul that was fully insured. I drove 100% legally, just didn’t swerve to miss the fuckups. Didn’t have a wreck, but the honking of horns and cursing was like music to my ears. ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2005, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/34 "2005-08-05T19:07:02Z")
> [@EuroMDguy](#): > > I have two but I’m trying to make up my mind whether they are ‘evil’ or ‘disturbed’… > > Push someone in front of the metro while it’s pulling into the station (preferably a homeless bum - hardly anyone misses those) just to see if I could get away with it A homeless person kicked your puppy once, didn’t he? Regardless, your post jumps right past disturbed and on into sick. Please don’t post these types of “fantasies” again, **EuroMDguy**. Some things–even if you really feel like doing them–are best left unposted. ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2005, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325/35 "2005-08-09T03:50:43Z")
The roads are really narrow but some people will just stop anywhere, sometimes not even bothering to pull off as far as they can. Traffic downtown sometimes slows to nothing when there are two cars that do this since it chokes a two lane road into one lane that cars going both directions must use. I fantasize about taking a sledgehammer to the shitheads’ cars. I wished I had a 70mm recoilless cannon mounted on my car when stuck in traffic for over an hour in Los Angeles. I would dearly love to beat the hell out of the next Japanese person who tells me “Nihon wa sono koto nai desu,” when I ask whether they have something in their store. The last time this happened, I was sent to the store to buy something that my _ **Japanese** _ girlfriend asked me to get for her. I know it exists in Japan because I’ve seen it and my girlfriend has seen it. She made a pie with it a few days ago. Don’t tell me that in all of Japan I cannot find frozen pastry dough, just tell me your store doesn’t carry it, or I’ll leave you bleeding and unconscious on the floor. Unfortunately, this is only a fantasy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-fantasies/315325.md?page=1)