# Evil Villains Organization **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 31, 2000, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496 "2000-07-31T01:43:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/181 "2000-08-06T18:47:58Z")
APB - You think you can take over Washington DC without me? HAH! Lotsa luck. _turns her Acme Paperwork generator™ to HIGH_ And dogsbody, thank you…now it’s time to see if those lessons Balance gave me in necromancy work. If not, I can just muddle the paperwork up a bit so he never really died. Same difference. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![needspeed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c2a13f/32.png) [@needspeed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needspeed)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/182 "2000-08-06T18:53:54Z")
I’ve been told I look reasonably good in fishnets and stilettos for a twentysomething guy with chronic jock itch. Admittedly, my evil laugh needs some work. I’ll do whatever it takes, though. I’ll even vote Buchanan. needspeed [http://www.angelfire.com/indie/brainingdamage](http://www.angelfire.com/indie/brainingdamage) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Raven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@The\_Raven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Raven)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/183 "2000-08-06T19:04:00Z")
Ah, too easy. The Dread Lord could hand spongejaw’s tail to him any day. I hardly even need to offer a single dreaded hamster attack to the fray. \ How dare this ‘steeljaw’ upstart act more intimidating than I!! \ Tho I noticed that APB seems to be in the mood to add this man to the team, so I’ll just wait and see. And if we’re taking votes, I want to blow up France. Because its just so easy. And most anything else, as a matter of fact. ---
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/184 "2000-08-06T19:52:09Z")
alright guys, enough is enough, this isn’t funny anymore. I woke up from my nap, and my liver was gone. That’s taking it too far. Did you send your damn puke eating lizard gerbil things to take vital organs from me? I’m no doctor, but I think that lack of a liver is considered a serious problem for some people. Come on guys, give it back now. ---
**Author:** ![DeathLlama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DeathLlama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeathLlama)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/185 "2000-08-06T21:23:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by inoci \* > \*\* > I think this problem is rooted in the educational systems these people came from. I propose we infiltrate school boards and such the world over and start corrupting the youngest minds we can find. > \*\* Already on it. Ruffian teaches 5th grade and I’ve got 6th, 7th, and 8th. But of course it’s summer, so we have time to go pilliaging if that’s what everybody else is doing. Liver, anyone? ---
**Author:** ![Feelyat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3be4f8/32.png) [@Feelyat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feelyat)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/186 "2000-08-06T22:37:37Z")
Here’s the deal: not only do I have incredible belching skills, but I can regenerate appendages, which comes in handy if I forget my weapons, because I can just rip of a leg and bludgeon someone with it, then go on my merry way. Steeljaw is starting to get on my nerves, so I don’t know if I want to become a superhero, or a super villain. I’m quite young, although no longer in grade school, so you could probably mold me in your evil ways. Also, I must say that I’m quite attractive, and deceptively cute(yes, you’ve got one of those, but why not one more). Another good power is the ability to get what I want from pretty much anyone, and I could keep us out of trouble with the government, while convincing the superheroes to join forces with us.I have one condition: endless spending account. Am I in? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Raven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@The\_Raven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Raven)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/187 "2000-08-06T22:49:23Z")
No, it wasn’t me. My hamster minions do not enjoy the taste of liver, even with fava beans… Did you check the last place you left it? \ ---
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/188 "2000-08-06T23:32:11Z")
I found it. It was in my refrigerator. Whoever tried to steal it was pretty damn stupid, hiding it in **my** refrigerator. Oh well, all’s well that ends well. ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/189 "2000-08-06T23:34:33Z")
That wasn’t YOUR liver, that was a cow’s liver. I felt ashamed at helping to steal 6 of your organs, so I left you a free meal. ---
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2000, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/190 "2000-08-06T23:47:23Z")
whoa, six? What else is missing? i didn’t do a very thorough check. ---
**Author:** ![capacitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/191 "2000-08-07T00:42:33Z")
Hey glassjaw, in 12 hours you will hear a knock on the door. It will be the bank. They will want $120,000 up front or you will have to move your HQ back to your studio apartment. Ha Ha!! How will you raise the money, Lola? ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/192 "2000-08-07T00:46:33Z")
A better question is how will he live without a Thyroid gland. ---
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/193 "2000-08-07T04:10:52Z")
I already raised the money. So ha. A couple of years ago I predicted this event would happen, so I started selling phony memorabilia on e-bay. I’ve got enough to pay the bank and buy myself a nice little compact hero-mobile. And the thyroid thing, I was wondering about that myself. I just replaced it with poppy seed muffin. Seems to do the trick. I really need to start working on my offensive strategy. :sigh: ---
**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/194 "2000-08-07T06:36:24Z")
Feelyat, we can offer you only minimum wage right now, as we are a new startup. However, you should view membership in EVO as a growth opportunity. By getting in now you can ride the rapid expansion we expect as we move into new markets on our quest to conquer the world. I think you’ll agree that no _hero_ organization can offer that kind of growth. (what are they gonna do, help MORE little old ladies accross the street?) When we achieve global domination, you will be in a position to choose a dominion of your very own. Sri Lanka, perhaps? Or maybe Belgium is more your style. Think about it. We also have a generous benefits package, and in lieu of health insurance your brain can be put into one of Myrr’s deathbots if any medical ailments crop up - how many organizations offer immortality _and_ buns of steel in a single perq? In addition, you get to work with some of the most ruthless, bloodthristy, backstabbing, dastardly, vile, and corrupt villains in the world (we have both Bill Gates _and_ Michael Eisner joining our advisory board soon). An EVO affiliation looks great on your resume. **And** we have terrific nachos in the break room, and a spectacular sound system for our Friday night social get-togethers, the best in Hoboken. So join us, belch wonder, join us! Oh yes, and Arkon, Raven, DeathLlama, Capacitor - glassjaw grows tiresome. Please seize him and place…What? Oh, sorry. Of course, I meant **SEIZE HIM!!** …and place his brain in this jar (was that better?). We’ll put him in Ruffian’s safe-keeping, next to balance. Hmmmm. We haven’t heard any villainous ideas from balance’s brain for awhile. DL, when you see Ruffian, you’d better ask her to doublecheck the nutrient solution and see how old graywrinkles is doing. You know, if you poke the olfactory nerve with a pencil, the brain gives a little “sneezing” reaction. Since it has no lungs or nostrils, it’s really hilarious - you gotta try it. If you’ve got any kids this can keep them amused for hours. BWAAAHAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA!!! We have one vote for pillaging France. Any more? ---
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/195 "2000-08-07T06:54:07Z")
Don’t forget my vote for pillaging **yourselves** , you vile whores! ---
**Author:** ![inoci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/50afbb/32.png) [@inoci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inoci)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/196 "2000-08-07T13:16:30Z")
I think something needs to be clarified here. We are NOT super-villains. We are EVIL villains. There is a difference. Those who see otherwise are but blind and pathetic fools. And hey, the cookout this weekend was great! Who was it that brough the intestinal salad? And that liver was great! Hi Feelyat. Since steeljaw turned down my offer, would you like to join? Workshop minion isn’t as low as it sounds. And as stated before, we may not pay much, but the benefits are amazing. In light of your skills, we could sqeeze you into a combat unit if you like… Steeljaw! I have one final offer. Since your body is already undergoing changes (and you though puberty was bad…) perhaps you’d like to reconsider your position. You’d make a great zombi-droid. Perhaps I can put you under Feelyat’s command. Good day, and go evil! ---
**Author:** ![steeljaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aca169/32.png) [@steeljaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steeljaw)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/197 "2000-08-07T17:40:17Z")
**DAMN!!!** All this time, I’ve been using strategies from my _Defeating Super Villains for Dummies_ book, and it turns out I should have been reading _Rid the World of Evil Villains on $2.50 a Day_. Curse the damn villain caste system! You should have kept it to yourself, though, cause now you’re going down sucker. :kicks inoci in nuts, and runs: ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/198 "2000-08-07T17:47:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by steeljaw \* > \*\*:kicks inoci in nuts, and runs: \*\* _This_ is heroism? ::Yawn:: Hey, Falcon, Balance’s body has regenerated nicely. Do _you_ remember how to get it breathing again? ---
**Author:** ![inoci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/50afbb/32.png) [@inoci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inoci)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/199 "2000-08-07T17:48:48Z")
i’m so happy i upgraded my testes recently via the Improve the Human Race thread, otherwise that would’ve hurt. Don’t think those books will help you. Who do you think wrote them? We have the publishing industry firmly under our control, so don’t believe everything you read. I’ll let you in on a little secret though steeljaw. We have infiltrated your ranks with an evil agent. Someone very high in your organization is one of us, and I hope you destroy yourselves trying to figure out who it might be… Just join us. Don’t make us do to you waht we did to that Crimsom Tape fella. It can hurt, and hurt badly… ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2000, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/200 "2000-08-07T18:10:02Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by dogsbody \* \*\* > [@](#): > > Hey, Falcon, Balance’s body has regenerated nicely. Do _you_ remember how to get it breathing again? \*\* Hrm…lemme try some CPR. With tongue. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to try on that leather catsuit I just bought and show him…think that’d work? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496.md?page=11)