# Evil Villains Organization

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [July 31, 2000, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496 "2000-07-31T01:43:48Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 3

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**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\
**Post date:** [July 31, 2000, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/41 "2000-07-31T23:06:28Z")

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Yesss. Agent Falcon, you seem to be well-placed to initiate our infiltration of the U.S. government. Beware, Falcon, for you are entering the territory of the Crimson Tapeworm.  
\<gestures, causing a hidden compartment to pop open, revealing a long, wickedly sharp, poisoned–pair of scissors)  
But then, you know how to deal with that eventuality, do you not?

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**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/42 "2000-08-01T00:00:13Z")

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The night that I was born, the Moon was the color of blood.  
I have affidavits to prove this.  
Obviously, I am the ideal recruit.

My current projects are inspired by the Republican National Convention.

1)The Bob Dole Gun-- turns anybody struck by the beam into an old fossil.

2)An army of Newt Gingrich clones. :eek:

1. “Compassionate Conservatism”—they’ll go mad trying to figure that one out! 😃

4)A gas that transforms hairpieces into rabid, killer **wombats**. Every man over 40 in America will be torn to pieces.  
_ **BWAH-HA-HA-HAAAA!** _

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**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/43 "2000-08-01T02:10:54Z")

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My God, Bosda! You…your…_ **pure evil** _!

Let’s inform the world of our existence. inoci, take some henchmen and get down to the orphanage. Loot the place for anything worth taking. My sources inform me they have a large supply of candy, ripe for the taking. Take etgaw1, the children will be helpless before his superhuman strength and lazy eye. Besides, I like his attitude - he’s what we like to call a team player:

> [@](#):
>
> Yes Masterrrrr
> 
> Do you have anybody that you need henched?
> 
> Need a test subject to make the ultimate warrior?
> 
> I am yours Masterrrr do with me as you will.

Reddragon, you and DrF take dogsbody and pay a little visit to the highway commissioner. See that he understands he is now working for us. He is to continue with the program of clogging the nations highways with enormous “construction-related” lane closings that are curiously free from actual construction. When the nation’s morale has been sufficiently sapped, and the economy crippled, _then_ will we strike!

Gunslinger, your job is to remove this meddlesome Crimson Tapeworm. With him out of the way, _nothing can stop us_! Bwaaahaaaahaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,_snort_

AerynSun, the way to advance is not to sleep with the HERO, but with the villain you think is the most evil and despicable. There can be only one choice. Get your pushup bra, collect Ruffian in her black leather catsuit, and follow me.

Balance, you have all the right instincts for an evil villain. You could go right to the top, you could be a contender. Someday you could lead this little social club of ours.  
That’s why I’m turning on you. You will not see it coming; you will all unsuspectingly pour shampoo on your head, or take a popsicle out of the freezer, or start your invisible car/plane/submarine. But there cannot be TWO villains so evil as we. Heh heh heh heh.

However, agent Falcon, his plan for you is a good one. Report back when you have accomplished your mission.

The rest of you start thinking of a good name for our organization. Make sure acronyms can be _PRONOUNCED_, none of this WQFKPOG stuff.

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**Author:** ![etgaw1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@etgaw1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etgaw1)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/44 "2000-08-01T02:51:03Z")

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Thank you masterrrrrrr

I will get right on it masterrrrrr

::to orphan childeren in a really bad scottish accent.  
Get in my belly.

Baby the other, other white meat.

:: Chases childeren with serving fork and butcher knife.

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**Author:** ![pLt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/eb9ed0/32.png) [@pLt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pLt)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/45 "2000-08-01T02:59:25Z")

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don’t underestimate the powers of slutboy …

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**Author:** ![The\_Raven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@The\_Raven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Raven)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/46 "2000-08-01T03:03:15Z")

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Great! As mascot, do I get to be on the recruiting posters? Should I sit outside people’s windows and stare at them unnervingly? Or should I gather the hordes of my fellows and attack? Forget those gerbils, man, you don’t even WANT to know where some of them have been… And we’ve already begun terrorizing Japan!

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**Author:** ![Hanofer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c37758/32.png) [@Hanofer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanofer)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/47 "2000-08-01T19:37:24Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Balance \*  
> **Yesss. Agent Falcon, you seem to be well-placed to initiate our infiltration of the U.S. government. Beware, Falcon, for you are entering the territory of the Crimson Tapeworm.**

That’s Crimson _Tape_, you villainous worms! Don’t make me use these (whips out Spreadsheet of Justice, Calculator of Truth, etc.)  
(cue battle music)

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**Author:** ![DeathLlama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DeathLlama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeathLlama)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/48 "2000-08-01T20:53:33Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by APB9999 \*  
> \*\*  
> AerynSun, the way to advance is not to sleep with the HERO, but with the villain you think is the most evil and despicable. There can be only one choice. Get your pushup bra, collect Ruffian in her black leather catsuit, and follow me.  
> \*\*

Ummm…yeah.  
Look, I’m sure it was just a little oversight or something, but there just can’t be any sleeping with Ruffian. Feel free to look all you like (why else would she wear a leather catsuit?), but please no touching, lest I have to spit upon you. (And no one wants to be spat upon by a llama of death.)

I mean, I’m all for the brotherhood of evil villians and all, but we can’t go sharing the female villians. If we do, that will undoubtedly lead to jealousy and ill will toward each other, and as soon as we take our sights off world domination and start bickering over the women, then we’re through. That’s just the sort of thing that this Crimson Tapir fellow will be waiting for. Besides, we all know there are PLENTY of evil women out there for everyone.

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**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/49 "2000-08-01T21:35:55Z")

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What are you saying Deathllama? Does Ruffian have some sort of strange alpaca fetish? I didn’t know. By all means, carry on.

[I’ll deal with \*him\* when I’ve taken care of Balance…heheheheheheheeheh] Oops. Was that out loud?

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**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/50 "2000-08-01T21:40:33Z")

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Hm, Crimson Tapir, I’ll have to remember that one.

C’mon, Dragon, DrF, while the Crimson Taproom is distracted by our Bird of Prey.

APB, may I respectfully suggest that we give you (our Fearless Leader) the acronym BOOp? 😃 Trust me, it’s a term of respect. Really.

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**Author:** ![Hanofer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c37758/32.png) [@Hanofer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanofer)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/51 "2000-08-01T21:52:45Z")

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_Originally posted by DeathLlama_  
this Crimson Tapir fellow  
[/QUOTE]

That’s **TAPE**! Grrr!

> [@](#):
>
> I mean, I’m all for the brotherhood of evil villians and all, but we can’t go sharing the female villians. If we do, that will undoubtedly lead to jealousy and ill will toward each other, and as soon as we take our sights off world domination and start bickering over the women, then we’re through.

Hmmm… Princess Glovebox, Mademoiselle Pepperoni, I have a little job for you…

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**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/52 "2000-08-01T22:04:57Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by APB9999 \*  
> \*\*What are you saying Deathllama? Does Ruffian have some sort of strange alpaca fetish?

You have no idea what llamas do to me, do you? (Or at least, that particular llama.) Mmmwahahahahaha!

And hey, I’m not the brainless-Bond-conquest villainess anyway. I’m more a leather catsuit-sexual tension practically dripping-reduce hero to quivering wet mess on the floor-but not allowing him to actually get any-CatWoman kind of villainess.

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**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/53 "2000-08-01T22:06:14Z")

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Doh. Forgot to turn off the bold when I edited the quote, there.

Moving on…

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**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\
**Post date:** [August 1, 2000, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/54 "2000-08-01T22:19:33Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Hanofer \*  
> \*\*Hmmm… Princess Glovebox, Mademoiselle Pepperoni, I have a little job for you… \*\*

No wait. You can’t go over there, ladies…first there’s a conference in Alaska you have to attend. And yes, I’ve worked up all the travel arrangements and the agenda. Here, you can do a final review on the plane. (Whew…close one.)

And hell, after working on evaluation forms all day, I believe we’ve already taken over the government. These people are IDIOTS!

And I have no fear of red tape, Balance…I worked on the Base Closure program. I can handle red tape. _grabs scissors and dives in_

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**Author:** ![Hanofer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c37758/32.png) [@Hanofer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanofer)\
**Post date:** [August 2, 2000, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/55 "2000-08-02T00:12:28Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Falcon \*  
> \*\*No wait. You can’t go over there, ladies…first there’s a conference in Alaska you have to attend. And yes, I’ve worked up all the travel arrangements and the agenda. Here, you can do a final review on the plane. (Whew…close one.)
> 
> And hell, after working on evaluation forms all day, I believe we’ve already taken over the government. These people are IDIOTS!
> 
> And I have no fear of red tape, Balance…I worked on the Base Closure program. I can handle red tape. _grabs scissors and dives in_ \*\*

Dang! _calls in Captain Excitement, whose incredible aura of lethargy, combined with the usual stultifying effect of bureaucractic government work, quickly puts Falcon down for the count_

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**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\
**Post date:** [August 2, 2000, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/56 "2000-08-02T01:18:12Z")

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HAH! I’m a government contractor, hon. I’m used to lethargy. _grabs her magic can of Diet Coke and springs back to life_

And now, back to facilitating our takeover…let me just fill out these forms…done!!

Yo Balance! I just transferred rights to Hoboken over to us. What y’all want me to do next?

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**Author:** ![Welfy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e56c9b/32.png) [@Welfy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Welfy)\
**Post date:** [August 2, 2000, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/57 "2000-08-02T01:33:55Z")

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Allow me to join. I am the Czaress Pixystikita of the foreign land of Forkobia, AKA Welfy. I am an expert on guilt trips and seducing vulnerable young men. And I look good in tight clothes according to some people.

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**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\
**Post date:** [August 2, 2000, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/58 "2000-08-02T02:03:49Z")

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Hey, got room for another chick?

My qualifications? Well, I’m the Goddess of the Underworld. Does that count for anything?

I’ve got these delightfully heaving bosoms, a three-headed dog at my disposal, oh, and I’ve got red hair.

If you decide to let me join, just holler. I’ll be over there, making fun of the people waiting for the ferry across the River Styx. 😃

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**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\
**Post date:** [August 2, 2000, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/59 "2000-08-02T02:37:19Z")

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Excellent, excellent. Things are beginning to fall into place. Balance has not been heard from lately; obviously one of my fiendishly cunning booby traps has left me the supreme ruthless dastard.

Our takeover of the government is proceeding apace, and Hoboken has been secured.

Next, we will infiltrate the media. Persephone, Welfy, as the newcomers you must prove yourselves. Use your seduction powers and your heaving bosoms to become CNN anchorwomen, and eliminate any rivals that you encounter. When there are no more serious journalists left (I expect your success within the week), we will begin telling the addle-pated public what to think. The mind control drug will not be needed, after all.

Falcon! Why is this Crimson Ape still bedevilling us? Now he has this Captain Excrement idiot helping him. Ruffian, DeathLlama, you say you work well together. See if you can give Falcon a hand. Oh yes, and

**Sieze Him You Beautiful Geniuses! He’s Getting Away!**  
(See? I did read the guide.)

Hmmmm. Where is inoci, with our orphan candy?

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**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\
**Post date:** [August 2, 2000, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/60 "2000-08-02T02:59:19Z")

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Oh _come on,_ APB! _Rivals_ within CNN? Where? The editing room?

Listen, I understand having to prove myself, but really, I work **much** better with heads of state. Hades is where most of 'em end up anyway, and the ones that aren’t there yet are on their way.

Can’t I just take over a small city-state or something? I mean, come on, The Vatican is just _begging_ for some action. The’ve been slower than molasses in January since the Borgia thing.

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