# Evil Villains Organization **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 31, 2000, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496 "2000-07-31T01:43:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2000, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/101 "2000-08-03T19:02:46Z")
_takes Balance’s arm_ Why certainly, m’dear. What shall we take over next? I’ve noticed that we seem to be having a problem in taking over the Vatican…think I could break through their bureaucracy? ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2000, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/102 "2000-08-03T19:39:39Z")
Hmmm…that might work. Those crypts I mentioned–I have all of the catacombs up in arms already. Let me check something. \ OK, that takes care of the holy water problem, and the zombies are too stupid to notice a cross, so they’ll be all right. \ APB, I’m going to borrow your power drain module to take down the Pope’s defenses. \ I know it doesn’t work right now–didn’t I mention that I can also make nonfunctional gadgets work with my powers? \ Sorry, don’t have time to fix the lock–gotta go take out the Vatican. Besides, the locksmith is almost here. Catch you later. ---
**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2000, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/103 "2000-08-03T20:05:46Z")
Curses! Trapped in Balance’s commode of evil. The only good part is, judging by the smell, he is … no more sound in his body than he is in his twisted mind. Phewwww. Wait! Upset bowels! It…it…it’s the secret of his glare power! It must be! Of course! Something good has come of my imprisonment. I have divined the secret of Balance’s powers and can now destroy him! A little Metamucil in his coffee, and I shall reign supreme once more! Bwaha! Bwaha! Bwahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! But first, I must escape. The fool obviously hasn’t read the manual, since I’m still alive, and he has gone off to wreak his petty brand of evil. I need only tap a morse code message against this toilet pipe, and hope that dogsbody, my faithful minion, combing the sewers, hears it! (_Tap_Taptaptap_Taptap_…) ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2000, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/104 "2000-08-03T21:40:21Z")
\ I keep telling you, APB, that I haste to waste a mad scientist. When the freakin’ locksmith gets there, you can go back to your lab. And it’s _your_ toilet, in _your_ dungeon. I’ve never been in it–I just hexed the fixtures when you opened the door to go in. You know, when you thought I was struck mindless and were telling me about that weird affair you had with the ferrets? If you want to complain about the smell, talk to your minions–maybe the fundy brains you fed the zombies upset their decaying little tummies or something. ---
**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2000, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/105 "2000-08-03T23:35:53Z")
Geez, Balance, let the plot develop before you squelch it! Very well, then, since all of MY room locks OPEN the door when they’re smashed from the inside, it is a simple matter to escape. _CRUNCH_Whoosh!\* Hah! Freedom! Now inoci, you have shown good drive and initiative with the orphans and the Vatican raid. You will make a fine trusted lieutenant. Gather ALL the evil villains, yes even down to slutboy. Bid them gather their hellish minions, and the lot of you destroy Balance and his moll, Falcon! A regretable loss, but it must be so. Allow them to wear themselves out first with their efforts against the hordes of CSAW. Then both Balance and the Pope should be sufficiently “softened up” for the rest of you. ---
**Author:** ![DeathLlama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DeathLlama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeathLlama)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/106 "2000-08-04T02:06:43Z")
Well, howdy everybody. ::licking dirt off shoulder:: sorry I’ve been gone for a while. You sent me out with all that Zima for the water supply, but I had to stop by Ruffian’s place to pick her up for the ride. That detained me for a little bit. Once we got to the reservoir we thought we’d try a little of that Zima while we were waiting for the sun to set (neither of us had our invisible suits with us at the time, so we wanted to wait for the cover of nightfall to begin our devious endeavor). Well, one bottle turned into two and…aww you know how it goes. Next thing we knew, the local newspapers were running headlines like, “Leather-Clad Temptress Speeds Through Town on Drunken Ruminant–Townspeople Fear Another Evil Orgy of Death.” You know how it is…never any good press. It’s always about the evil and the drunkenness and the orgies. Mmm…orgies. But I digress. When we recovered we dumped what Zima there was left into the water supply. Boy, if has half the effect on the general populace as it did on us, we should be in good shape. But we must be poised to act. Regrettably, the effects are not permanent. Anyhow, we’re back and I for one have sworn off the booze. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Raven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@The\_Raven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Raven)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/107 "2000-08-04T02:25:01Z")
Good lord, you drank the Zima?? I had no idea llamas had cast iron guts! I thought they were only good for spitting! And now that its already in the water supply, we don’t have anything to threaten them with! Guess we’ll have to have another evil orgy or something… ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/108 "2000-08-04T02:38:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hanofer \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by ssskuggiii \* > > \*\*I’d like to be the evil owner of a large male harem who bends to my evil libido. Volunteers can sign up in front of the tent, but strip yourself of all clothing before you apply. There is a small exam to be done before I accept applicants. \*\* > > To show myself ready and willing to serve evil’s cause, I volunteer for that exam job. _pulls on rubber gloves, prepares probes_ > > And evil leader APB9999? I’m not too much into leather \, so if you can just supply me with black jeans and t-shirt, with maybe our logo on it \, I’d be satisfied. > > Nice job on Balance, by the way. \ \*\* I didn’t ask for help, but I guess you could be an evil assistant of sorts, handing tools and keeping them in a straight line… aw, heck, make it a crooked line. ---
**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/109 "2000-08-04T02:43:20Z")
Ooooooooh, my head hurts. I remember the delicious nookie with the Llama, then driving, something about Zima…a mongoose…laughing at a G-string (DL…did I try to put mine on you? Is that what that was?)…some joke about a lawyer in the Ottoman Empire… Sorry boss, I’m out for a few. Anyone have some Tylenol? ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/110 "2000-08-04T02:53:53Z")
:::shaking cobwebs from befuddled brain::: Awww, dammit! Not the spray again! Damn nuns. :::notices road sign pointing toward Hoboken::: Sigh. Guess I’d better get on back & take a shower. But… _I swear, I will have my day! Those #@!&%^#!!! nuns will pay! I will get them for this, if it’s the last thing I do!_ ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/111 "2000-08-04T03:09:54Z")
I’m a moll now??? Ooooo…I always WANTED to be a moll! Now wait JUST a minute here. APB, do you REALLY want to deal with the power of government bureaucracy and the power of Balance? _raises eyebrow_ Scuttle back off to your lab, hon. Or face our wrath. ---
**Author:** ![inoci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/50afbb/32.png) [@inoci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inoci)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/112 "2000-08-04T03:11:19Z")
## ATTENTION ALL LOYAL MINION OF EVIL RE: THE CUNNING PLAN It has been decreed that Balance and Falcon are to fall beneath our might. They used to be just as evil as us, but have lost the way. They are now only mildly evil, and I hate anything that’s only half done. And so it must be, the battle to unite the evil that is us must happen soon. So, inpreparation for tha, here is the cunning plan… pLt! bring forth the might of slutboy! Gravity! your throwing nachos of destructions are needed! Myrr21! prepare your army of clonebots from Hoboken! Jubei2k! get ready to SEIZE! The Raven! take to the skies with the flying hampsters!Lynn Bodoni! the power to edit would be wondrous here! Baloo! this is your chance to prove you are for the cause! ArkonDLoC! raise the dead aliens! JosephFinn! blind the traitors! Kyla! attack! DeathLlama! spit upon them with zima spit! dewt! do your thing! wring! you and your evil twin are sorely needed! DVous Means! be devious! Erika! lash them with your saracasm and furbys! etgaw1! crush the infidels! Ruffian! whip them, whip them good! ChrisP One Kenobe! evilfy them! dogsbody! turn their bodies into dogs! red\_dragon60! sneeze upon them! denbo! scald them with coffee! oldscratch! communize the pitiful fools! Sn-man! cover them with your foul chemicals! Gunslinger! shoot them dead! AerynSun! do that funky thing you do! DrFidelius! wear your shirt proudly! Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor! prepare your wombats for battle! Welfy! guilt them silly! Persephone! drown them in the Styx! ssskuggiii! time to see what else that harem can do! Monster104! shrub them hard! Cy Coe! immerse them in late fees! Hanofer! probe them! Ready team? Lets go get 'em! Bring your doomsday weapons and your armys of might! We shall crush this insurrection before it can spread. Go Evil!!! ---
**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/113 "2000-08-04T03:14:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Ruffian! whip them, whip them good! With pleasure…rrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRROOOOWWWWWwwwll! :::collects the cat o’nine tails, handcuffs, nipple clamps, and the rest of her toys–er, arsenal::: ---
**Author:** ![Myrr21](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e495f1/32.png) [@Myrr21](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrr21)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/114 "2000-08-04T03:19:09Z")
Now that’s a thought–why stick to just clones or robots, when we can have clonebots? Good lord, my evil mind must be addled…by all the warring! ---
**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/115 "2000-08-04T03:38:34Z")
Fly, my lovelies, fly! And don’t forget to bring me the little dog in the picnic basket! I will turn my discomfort-causing gaze on Falcon. No woman can stand up to it. She’ll be squirming unconsciously in no time, if other women are anything to go by. My experiment-destroying power will be directed at Balance’s efforts. Nothing can stop us now! **BUHWAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAHAAHAAHA!!** ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/116 "2000-08-04T03:45:15Z")
Well since I used to be one of the biggest trolls to ever grace the SD…am I in the club??? ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/117 "2000-08-04T03:54:28Z")
Silo, buddy, pal…help? Wanna join the cooler team? Mainly, me and Balance? And APB? You’re forgetting I am a CLUELESS female when it comes to knows men are looking at me. So much for your gaze. And let’s see…_whips out multiple government presentation binders and hurls them at the advancing minions_ Balance sweet? Wanna help a gal out here? ---
**Author:** ![Gravity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gravity/32/14322_2.png) [@Gravity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gravity)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/118 "2000-08-04T15:59:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally shouted by inoci \* > Gravity! your throwing nachos of destruction are needed! > \*\* Throwing nachos? Uh… **yeah** …My throwing nachos… “Um…Prepare to meet your doom, because we outnumber you. My spicy bean paste will sear your eyes, and the hot cheese will stick to you and burn. My patended **Chypz O’ Doom®** will scrape the skin from your bones.” K. ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/119 "2000-08-04T16:06:33Z")
Um… Bodies into dogs? Sorry, no-can-do, I’m down in the sewers, still…what a godawful job…and am completely oblivious to all this warfare. [whisper]Hey, Falcon, I put all the booby traps where you marked 'em on the map…but APB et al think I’m still on their side…[/whisper] ---
**Author:** ![Hanofer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c37758/32.png) [@Hanofer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanofer)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/120 "2000-08-04T16:25:45Z")
> [@](#): > > ## \*Originally posted by inoci \* \*\*ATTENTION ALL LOYAL MINION OF EVIL RE: THE CUNNING PLAN > > It has been decreed that Balance and Falcon are to fall beneath our might. They used to be just as evil as us, but have lost the way. They are now only mildly evil, and I hate anything that’s only half done. And so it must be, the battle to unite the evil that is us must happen soon. So, inpreparation for tha, here is the cunning plan… > > Hanofer! probe them! \*\* I’m on it, inoci. They’re gonna get probed in places their mommas didn’t even look. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496.md?page=7)