# Evil Villains Organization **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 31, 2000, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496 "2000-07-31T01:43:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/121 "2000-08-04T17:14:19Z")
> [@](#): > > ## \*Originally posted by inoci \* ATTENTION ALL LOYAL MINION OF EVIL RE: THE CUNNING PLAN > > It has been decreed that Balance and Falcon are to fall beneath our might. They used to be just as evil as us, but have lost the way. They are now only mildly evil, and I hate anything that’s only half done. And so it must be, the battle to unite the evil that is us must happen soon. So, inpreparation for tha, here is the cunning plan… Not now. I’m busy turning the Pope to the Dark Side, while his nuns fill out the paperwork to request a possible appointment to discuss getting an estimate on the hypothetical repair of his personal shield generator. \ Look Johnny, you’re one of us already. Your spiritual predecessors started some of the bloodiest and most pointless wars in history, executed countless innocents, and schemed for world domination. You people brought the world Satanism, fercryinoutunprintably. You still contribute to the overpopulation problem with your policies, causing great misery. You issue decrees demanding that people subject themselves to ridiculous practices and threaten them with eternal torment! You’re already an evil overlord on a limited scale–widen your scope, man! Join me, and we will rule the world as Father and villain! Excuse me, I have a nuisance to deal with. Think about what I’ve said–I might even find a way to simplify your nuns’ paperwork.\ All right. Let’s examine your assault plan. It’s foolish to waste your strength when it can serve me later. Your allies and minions will see your folly for what it is, and relegate you once more to your lab. > [@](#): > > pLt! bring forth the might of slutboy! This one’s all yours, Falc. He doesn’t know what he’s getting into. > [@](#): > > Gravity! your throwing nachos of destructions are needed! Excellent! Can you add some habaneros? > [@](#): > > Myrr21! prepare your army of clonebots from Hoboken! Too bad I glanced at the 'bot transports on my way out… > [@](#): > > Jubei2k! get ready to SEIZE! Cease your petty carpeing! > [@](#): > > The Raven! take to the skies with the flying hampsters! Did I mention my experiments with the flying cats? It’s a witch thing. > [@](#): > > Lynn Bodoni! the power to edit would be wondrous here! Do you really want your terminal glanced at? Or should I just send an IS guy over? > [@](#): > > Baloo! this is your chance to prove you are for the cause! Sea Duck crash. Get the picture? > [@](#): > > ArkonDLoC! raise the dead aliens! Good idea. Then I can use my necromantic skills to control them. > [@](#): > > JosephFinn! blind the traitors! We’re already blind, aren’t we Falcon? > [@](#): > > Kyla! attack! “Kyla! roll over!” Yeesh. Do you treat all your minions like dogs? Well, I guess I can understand about dogsbody, but surely Kyla deserves a little more respect. Drop the “Ming’s School of Overlordism” approach. Ming the Merciless got iced. > [@](#): > > DeathLlama! spit upon them with zima spit! You have a Zima hangover. I have cymbals. Stay away, and I won’t make any loud noises. > [@](#): > > dewt! do your thing! Ewww. Make sure you wash your hands afterwards. > [@](#): > > wring! you and your evil twin are sorely needed! Double your pleasure…double your fun… > [@](#): > > DVous Means! be devious! Yeah. Obviously APB’s not up to it. > [@](#): > > Erika! lash them with your saracasm and furbys! Save the furbys for the assault on Disney. They’re machines; if I zotz them, you’ll have to train whole new batch. And if you think my eyes are trouble _now_, just wait and see what happens if you make me roll them. > [@](#): > > etgaw1! crush the infidels! Inshallah–specifically, it is the will of Allah that APB go quietly back to his lab. > [@](#): > > Ruffian! whip them, whip them good! Please. Being whipped by Ruffian is a personal fantasy of mine. I’m not just evil, I’m perverted! > [@](#): > > ChrisP One Kenobe! evilfy them! Always two there are. So you wanna be my apprentice? I don’t even spontaneously explode! > [@](#): > > dogsbody! turn their bodies into dogs! You haven’t seen me yet, have you? > [@](#): > > red\_dragon60! sneeze upon them! I have here a gnome laden with flasks of oil. Don’t make me feed him to you. “A dour old dwarf named Fritz, Got burned right where he sits. It’s unwise, they say, To get in the way Of a dragon just as he spits!” > [@](#): > > denbo! scald them with coffee! As long as it ain’t decaf. > [@](#): > > oldscratch! communize the pitiful fools! Come, oldscratch. Once we have conquered the world together, we shall forge a new villain’s utopia–a paradise for all, even the lowliest minion shall receive according to his perverse desires, and give according to his powers. > [@](#): > > Sn-man! cover them with your foul chemicals! Ahhh…the nostalgia…the days in the labs at bad ol’ Miskatonic U…makes me want to summon a Great Old One… > [@](#): > > Gunslinger! shoot them dead! Guns are technology, too. > [@](#): > > AerynSun! do that funky thing you do! Get that colostomy bag outta the way, and I’ll show you funky. > [@](#): > > DrFidelius! wear your shirt proudly! I have here a nude bomb. Get smart–don’t make me use it. Actually, go ahead–I’d love to use it. > [@](#): > > Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor! prepare your wombats for battle! Wombats? _Wombats?_ Give me a break! Falc, are the carnivorous 'roos we reconstituted from those fossils hungry? > [@](#): > > Welfy! guilt them silly! Guilt? Whaddya think we are, Catholics? I’m trying to convert the _Pope_ here! > [@](#): > > Persephone! drown them in the Styx! I already extorted free tickets to that concert from…oh, the _River_ Styx. Sorry, we got our vaccinations; they just styx you with a little needle, and you’re immune to the effects forever…and we swim very well. > [@](#): > > ssskuggiii! time to see what else that harem can do! Umm…look decorative, maybe? I can’t judge. What do you think, Falcon? > [@](#): > > Monster104! shrub them hard! I’ll bring you a shrubbery from the Vatican, Monster. Don’t make me say “it”. > [@](#): > > Cy Coe! immerse them in late fees! I don’t pay them. I’m a _villain_, remember? That’s what people _expect_ of villains. > [@](#): > > Hanofer! probe them! Has it occurred to you that I might not be as repressed as Satan? What did you have in mind “probing” with, Hanofer honey? > [@](#): > > Ready team? Lets go get 'em! Bring your doomsday weapons and your armys of might! We shall crush this insurrection before it can spread. Fiends, villains, evil ones, lend me your ears… Forsake this false overlord, and come to me! I shall lead you by example along the path of world domination. I shall teach you the ways of true wickedness. I’ll give you free lessons in how to do a really good maniacal laugh, something no villain should be without! APB lurks in Hoboken, trying to pit you against the one who would lead you to greatness! APB, you don’t have a doomsday weapon 'cause you won’t get off your lazy a$$ to invent it! Still having trouble with that “Some Assembly Required” toy robot, eh? > [@](#): > > Go Evil!!! Couldn’t have put it much better myself. \*\* [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/122 "2000-08-04T17:26:32Z")
Poor inoci. I now understand what has happened. APB has played on the jealously caused by our successful assault on the Vatican. “Look into this little glowing box, inoci. It will give you the power to overcome all of Utah, and cast Balance into the shadows!” One little look, then FLASH, inoci’s a hapless slave. Fellow villains, we must beware the viper in our midst. He has been plotting against me, interfering with my efforts, and now he seeks to pit us against one another through a cat’s-paw. Is it possible that APB is actually \ a “hero” in disguise? A “hero” seeking to play on our weaknesses, and so to thwart our schemes? This cannot be allowed. inoci must be confined for treatment, and the traitor must be captured and interrogated. \ ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/123 "2000-08-04T17:29:31Z")
Thank you, Balance. I knew your superior evillness would prevail. And remember, dogsbody is really loyal to us…and I’m sure you can come up with a use for those booby traps I had him plant in the sewer system. Especially those right under APB’s control room… _grin_ And yep, those 'roos look pretty hungry…_presses button_ There. That takes care of the wombats. And as for that harem…dammit, I think I broke a nail. I’m sure they could be put to use giving me a manicure. And hon…you _know_ I’m blinded by your dastardly ways. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/124 "2000-08-04T17:32:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Balance \* > > > [@](#): > > > > **Kyla! attack!** > > “Kyla! roll over!” Yeesh. Do you treat all your minions like dogs? Well, I guess I can understand about dogsbody, but surely Kyla deserves a little more respect. Drop the “Ming’s School of Overlordism” approach. Ming the Merciless got iced. ::Sigh:: Yes, I’m used to this kind of treatment. But Falcon **thanked** me…I’m hers forever!\* > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > dogsbody! turn their bodies into dogs! > > You haven’t seen me yet, have you? Hey, I’m on **your** side! Besides, transfiguration’s not on my skill list. But I whip up a mean split-pea soup. \*note: forever is a relative term, and does not include sexual favors. (Sorry) ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/125 "2000-08-04T17:36:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Falcon \* > **And remember, dogsbody is really loyal to us…and I’m sure you can come up with a use for those booby traps I had him plant in the sewer system. Especially those right under APB’s control room… _grin_** Urk! I realize I’m not running around in leather with my boobies hanging out, but I **am** female nonetheless. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/126 "2000-08-04T17:37:28Z")
ACK!!! So sorry, dogsbody!!! And I’m female too! Argh!!! Can you ever forgive me? ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/127 "2000-08-04T17:40:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Falcon \* > \*\*ACK!!! So sorry, dogsbody!!! And I’m female too! Argh!!! > > Can you ever forgive me? \*\* Of course! Are you kidding? I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been **thanked** for something! But shouldn’t we be getting back to world conquest? As a responsible lackey, I feel the need to point out that this is exactly the sort of infighting that the heroes like to take advantage of… ---
**Author:** ![inoci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/50afbb/32.png) [@inoci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inoci)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/128 "2000-08-04T17:51:46Z")
That’s it. I didn’t want to have to do this, but I must. \ I’ve placed APB and Balance into the ARENA OF PAIN, and until one emerges as our true leader, I’m suggesting a moratorium on our world domination plans. I’m more than willing to follow the lead of the winner. I will help lead our armies into battle, and I will smite our foes. I just want to be certain I’m smiting the correct people here. Nothing annoys me more than friendly-smiting. So as these two battle it out, I suggest we all have some cool beverages and some tasty snacks and watch the fun. And no, I didn’t fall for the box trick, I was simply luring APB into the ring of teleportation so I could initiate this trial. And Balance, you and Falcon fell into the same trap I had laid while at the Vatican. Don’t worry, this was not out of spite. My actions will be justified as our new leader is sanctified in one-on-one battle. This infighting needs to end so we can get on with the overall goal of ruling hte universe. I’m but a simple soldier and leader of zombie-droids, but someone had to do this. So, lets see what happens… ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/129 "2000-08-04T17:54:58Z")
Thank you for your loyalty, dogsbody. I did not mean to imply that you would join in the assault; I just wanted to make clear that the plan outlined was entirely unworkable. I hope that my exposition will convince others to reconsider before true infighting develops. And _I_ knew you were female; Falcon was just hoping otherwise, I’m sure. Trust a male villain not to forget these things. \ If you’d like the power of transfiguration, I’m sure I can arrange something–maybe pull a wand of polymorph out of an old Nethack bonepile or something… ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/130 "2000-08-04T17:57:42Z")
inoci, how could you??? Clearly I have to go help Balance! _tries to get into arena, fails miserably_ Hmpf. And now we have to waste a perfectly good mad scientist. _slumps into seat in stands, watching anxiously_ ---
**Author:** ![inoci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/50afbb/32.png) [@inoci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inoci)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/131 "2000-08-04T18:01:22Z")
Fear not dear Falcon. We have pleanty of people with necromantic skils. If one of the two falls in battle, we can always bring him back… Settle down and let the two boys work this out on their own. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/132 "2000-08-04T18:12:08Z")
\ Come on, he’s a mad-scientist-wannabe labrat with a belt of techie tricks and a reanimated corpse. I’m a mutant necromancer with enhanced physical abilities and a unique power over technology. I fried the belt, took over the zombie, and used my superior physical prowess to overcome him. He wanted to come home, anyway–seems he’s upset with inoci about something. \ Now that that’s settled–Falcon, are those forms ready? \ These are the new forms for the nuns. It seems they have an older version with the blanks in the same place on each copy. That allows them to use carbon paper, which is plainly unacceptable. They must use these new forms, before Personal Energy Shield Technologies (a wholly owned subsidiary of EVO, Inc) will consider granted an audience to discuss that estimate. Of course, if the Pope joins us, we’ll let them go back to the old forms. APB, would you like to give inoci the order to personally deliver these to the nuns? ---
**Author:** ![DeathLlama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DeathLlama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeathLlama)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/133 "2000-08-04T18:56:40Z")
::Confused, llama just stands and watches the goins on. Chews on some hay, lays down for a nap:: Wake me up when we have a leader, and JUST ONE leader. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/134 "2000-08-04T19:00:52Z")
We’ll wake you when you’re over that hangover, DL. A hung-over llama is not something any of us care to deal with just now. ---
**Author:** ![DeathLlama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DeathLlama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeathLlama)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/135 "2000-08-04T19:06:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DeathLlama \* > \*\*::Confused, llama just stands and watches the goins on. Chews on some hay, lays down for a nap:: > \*\* the goinGs on. he watches the goings on. stupid hooves ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/136 "2000-08-04T19:08:17Z")
Balance hon - why don’t you have Ruffian wake the llama up. I bet she can do it without bloodshed. 🙂 And now that we’ve disposed of APB…(which I knew you could do), what’s our next move, o evil leader? Keeping in mind that I’m sure APB will be attempting to get us back shortly… ---
**Author:** ![inoci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/50afbb/32.png) [@inoci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inoci)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/137 "2000-08-04T19:20:30Z")
\ Ok. Glad that worked out. I’m ready to continue. Anyone have a target for me? I upgrade the zombie-droids again. Chainsaw arms for everyone! ---
**Author:** ![Gravity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gravity/32/14322_2.png) [@Gravity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gravity)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/138 "2000-08-04T19:36:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally muttered by inoci: \* > \*\*I’ve placed APB and Balance into the ARENA OF PAIN, and until one emerges as our true leader, I’m suggesting a moratorium on our world domination plans. > \*\* Oh. Right. Want some nachos, then? I made plenty for everyone. Pizzas should be here in about 20 minutes. All I have is warm soda, though. K. ---
**Author:** ![ArkonDLoC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@ArkonDLoC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArkonDLoC)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/139 "2000-08-04T21:29:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Balance \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > _Originally posted by inoci \* > > ArkonDLoC! raise the dead aliens!_\* > > Good idea. Then I can use my necromantic skills to control them. Sorry I missed the fight, I was leading a training session for my Fallen Rangers. Not that I would have helped anyway, I never back a short-sighted leader. :Stares at Balance: I wonder if you actually could control my minions. It would be a terrible waste if we had to fight. :Turns away: By the way, I’ve finished an army for you. Giant Mechs, Starfighters, Golems, Skeletons. A suitible honor guard, I think. ---
**Author:** ![APB9999](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB9999](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB9999)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2000, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496/140 "2000-08-04T22:40:09Z")
Balance, What are you, high? It takes TWO people to have a death match! You can’t just type in your secret megalomaniacal power fantasies (proper as they may be for an evil villain) and pretend the matter is settled. You may have the power to destroy technology, but I am a BIO mad scientist. My minions are living creatures, and with Falcon out of the way, there are no EPA regulations to forestall my use of GMOs! **HAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAA!!** I call down upon you my flying monkeys, my giant intelligent rhubarb, my elephotomus, my orangoraffe, my cobra long-legs, my vampire koala bats, and my reanimated zombie ladybugs! When you have passed through their intestinal tracts, and the orangoraffe is done flinging about you the walls, as oragoraffes are wont to do, I will be able to continue promoting the cause of evil, as is my destiny. And for the rest of you… inoci, as an evil trusted lieutenant I expected no better from you. Excellent! Well done; your morals are unquestionably soiled, my nefarious friend. Remind to give you a raise when I am restored. DeathLlama, I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but I overheard Balance and Falcon plotting something about you. I couldn’t make it out, but I did hear the words “shears” and “deathsweaters”. Perhaps this has more meaning to you than I could plumb on my own? Balance seems to have his eye on Ruffian, too (er…with her, on her, what you will). But that’s between you and Balance and Ruffian; Falcon doesn’t seem to mind being a doormat, but I guess that’s her decision. _I_ would never treat a trusted underling so. Dogsbody, I was _so_ counting on you to free me from the commode of death. I waited and waited and tapped and tapped, but you never showed! I was going to thank you profusely and promote you to “Mistress of the Seven Moons of Falgor”, with all the rights and privileges pertaining thereto. But you ignored my plight and now I am trapped here watching Balance’s bones be cleaned by my walking rhubarb. But I realize the temptations you were put under by Balance’s evil seductions. Clear out the booby-traps under Hoboken and all will be forgiven. There’s always a place in the organization for a hard-working dogsbody, and I think I could see assigning you an assistant, if that appeals to you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evil-villains-organization/27496.md?page=8)