# Evolution sucks!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 22, 2006, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706 "2006-05-22T03:22:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/61 "2006-05-23T02:32:04Z")
It’d be nice if women developed a clitoris on the roof of their mouths. What? You weren’t thinking it? Liar, yes you were. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/62 "2006-05-23T02:44:09Z")
[QUOTE=davenportavenger] What kind of medical condition would force compulsory beardage? Inquiring minds want to know. [/QUOTE] [Pseudofolliculitis barbae](http://www.skinsite.com/info_pseudofolliculitis_barbae.htm) ---
**Author:** ![caveat\_lector](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ed655f/32.png) [@caveat\_lector](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caveat_lector)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/63 "2006-05-23T04:24:17Z")
[QUOTE=caveat\_lector] Not only that, prices of consumer goods are about to skyrocket! (I mean really, gas is WAY expensive and trucks log something like 40 billion miles a year to bring consumer goods to your local market)\* - please read my username - I know this is not a legit number but it is somewhere relatively close as I read a Phoenix newspaper article while sitting at a La Madaleine restaurant this weekend scratching at my two-day growth. [/QUOTE] I was WAYYYYYYYYYYY off target. It was this month’s Fortune magazine - and trucks put more than 400 billion miles a year bringing consumables to market. :smack: My apologies to you truckers for shorting your work by more than 360 billion miles a year. ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/64 "2006-05-23T14:25:00Z")
[QUOTE=fetus] Not if the human race evolved wings. Then you’d be begging for a car. [/QUOTE] Science has already blown it by not getting us flying cars by the year 2000. As for the military guys with beards - it’s not that they can grow beards, it’s that they don’t have to shave every day. The growth still needs to be kept way short (as ananalogy, compare a crew cut to a regualr head of hair. It’s noticably shorter, but not shaved bald.) And there are regualr reviews by the medical staff of the guy with the “no shave chit”. It’s not something you get once and keep for the rest of your time in. ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/65 "2006-05-23T14:27:19Z")
I have _got_ to get a new keyborad. Or learn how to type. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/66 "2006-05-23T14:40:52Z")
[QUOTE=fetus] I, for one, would like to sweat cologne. [/QUOTE] I had a coworker that did that. I don’t think he was _more_ evolved, though… [QUOTE=GingerOfTheNorth] Why on earth are you having flashbacks to a dolphin penis? Never mind. I just don’t want to know. [/QUOTE] [Internet perversion blows my mind again…(TMI)](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=361216) Go ahead. _Try_ to resist the link. Full of a fun discussion on cetacean porn, dolphin rape, then toward the end there’s my mind-scarring account and a brief discussion on what dolphins can do with their prehensile penes. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6bbea6/32.png) [@The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Seventh_Deadly_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/67 "2006-05-24T13:53:50Z")
[QUOTE=Lightray] eek. Dolphin flashback. _shudder_ [/QUOTE] You’re not [this guy](http://www.zoophile.net/dolphin_anatomy.php) in real life, are you? Apparently dolphin boners can badly bruise one’s leg. Though, in my opinion, anyone who sustains this injury in the manner decribed has brought new meaning to the phrase “asking for it.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6bbea6/32.png) [@The\_Seventh\_Deadly\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Seventh_Deadly_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/68 "2006-05-24T14:01:27Z")
[QUOTE=Lightray] [Internet perversion blows my mind again…(TMI)](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=361216) Go ahead. _Try_ to resist the link. [/QUOTE] Dammit, I didn’t see the second comments page. **Lightray** beat me to the dolphin penis by almost 12 hours. Yup, nothin’ worse than getting beaten to the ol’ dolphin penis. What the hell am I talking about? ---
**Author:** ![JR\_Brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JR\_Brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JR_Brown)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/69 "2006-05-24T15:57:16Z")
[QUOTE=caveat\_lector] Ok, this is a total slam on evolution. One day, man won’t have to shave (I presume). [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=robby] I know this isn’t GQ, but why do you presume this? Unless having a beard is detrimental to reproductive success, there is no selection pressure for human males to lose facial hair. [/QUOTE] Getting back to the OP (although dolphin porn is also fun), assuming **caveat\_lector** is of the Caucasian persuasion, evolution is going in the direction of _more_ facial hair (or was, until people started moving around so much). Caucasians have more facial and body hair than most other “racial” groups, and this seems to be a derived characteristic (i.e., they started with less and then got more). Given the present near-universal availability of razors, though, evolution is probably not doing much on this front anymore. JRB ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/70 "2006-05-24T16:25:29Z")
[QUOTE=thetruewheel] Yup, nothin’ worse than getting beaten to the ol’ dolphin penis. [/QUOTE] What about getting beaten _by_ the ol’ dolphin penis? ---
**Author:** ![5que](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/3bc359/32.png) [@5que](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5que)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/71 "2006-05-24T19:26:17Z")
Stolen from Ron White: Chocolate flavored semen ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/72 "2006-05-24T20:42:22Z")
Can we stop having allergies already? And tooth decay? Also, no more bladder infections. In fact, why not just a perfect immune system while we’re at it? I would also like the ability to not have to pee so often. Super-sized bladders! That’s what we need! Plus the ability to manufacture any drug we want using our specially-evolved glands. And the ability to change sex at will. And the ability to fly, and a photographic memory and perfect hand-eye coordination regardless of intoxication level. Photosynthysizing hair, we would solve world hunger right there. Oh, the ability to regrow limbs and internal organs, too! Am I asking too much? ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/73 "2006-05-24T21:05:32Z")
[QUOTE=Ghanima] Photosynthysizing hair, we would solve world hunger right there. [/QUOTE] Hey, I’ve _had_ photosynthesizing hair. I don’t recall being any less hungry, though. I do remember that I had to shampoo with Woolite. Hrm. I seem to have been an evolutionary mutant. I shoulda applied to join the X-Men while I had my chance! ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/74 "2006-05-24T22:50:33Z")
[QUOTE=Antigen] As far as this woman’s concerned, having a beard _improves_ a male’s chances at reproductive success. I keep a constant selection pressure on my man to keep his face all sexy and fuzzy. Three cheers for secondary sex characteristics! [/QUOTE] But I was forced to shave my beard when my lady said it tickled her thighs too much. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/75 "2006-05-25T02:22:11Z")
I really, really can’t believe I’m the first with this… For men, multiple orgasms (within the same evening, that is). For women, it would probably be men who could actually listen - or at least find things for themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/76 "2006-05-25T02:33:38Z")
[QUOTE=Civil Guy] I really, really can’t believe I’m the first with this… For men, multiple orgasms (within the same evening, that is). [/QUOTE] You’re not. You’re just a page late: > [@Antigen](#): > > Universal ability for both females and males to have multiple orgasms. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/77 "2006-05-25T03:08:38Z")
Oh. Right. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/78 "2006-05-25T12:51:27Z")
1. Telekinesis would be very, very nice. 2. An optimized metabolism, where I could eat what I want, as much as I want and my weight would not fluctuate more than 3 pound either side of optimum. 3. Hi, Opal! ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/79 "2006-05-25T17:41:05Z")
[QUOTE=Excalibre] I have been longing for an additional pair of arms for years. Think how nice it would be - how often are you carrying a bunch of things and need to open a door? [/QUOTE] Or you could become a spy and go undercover on secret missions to Barsoom. ---
**Author:** ![Saltire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saltire/32/553_2.png) [@Saltire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saltire)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706/80 "2006-05-25T17:51:10Z")
Eternal youth and health would be at the top of my list, but there’s a great feature from science fiction I always thought would be handy _snerk_. James Hogan’s Ganemean giants had 4 fingers on each hand just like us, but they had 2 opposable thumbs, one on each side of the fingers. Hogan points out that they’d be able to tie their shoes one-handed with ease. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/evolution-sucks/357706.md?page=5)