# Ex-boyfriend taking back a gift; what should I do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 22, 2012, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297 "2012-08-22T19:00:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Simplicio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c37758/32.png) [@Simplicio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simplicio)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/61 "2012-08-22T21:46:38Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > You all say I have backed out of a deal and I am in the wrong; however, didn’t he back out of a deal? Asking someone on a date is not a “deal”. Agreeing to buy someones tickets is. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/62 "2012-08-22T21:47:26Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > But he told me he was giving me concert tickets, didn’t he? > > So it’s OK for him to change his mind about something (giving me the tickets as a gift then later making me pay him for them) but it is NOT OK for me to change my mind about the agreement? How is that fair? > > You all say I have backed out of a deal and I am in the wrong; however, didn’t he back out of a deal? A gift isn’t a “deal.” A deal is “I give you X and you give me Y.” A gift is “I give you X because I like you.” He probably no longer likes you very much, so he doesn’t give you gifts any longer. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/63 "2012-08-22T21:47:37Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > But he told me he was giving me concert tickets, didn’t he? > > So it’s OK for him to change his mind about something (giving me the tickets as a gift then later making me pay him for them) but it is NOT OK for me to change my mind about the agreement? How is that fair? > > You all say I have backed out of a deal and I am in the wrong; however, didn’t he back out of a deal? Um…I’m pretty sure you backed out of the relationship prior to him backing out of giving you the tickets. Please correct me if I have the chronology wrong. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/64 "2012-08-22T21:58:52Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Although I see where you’re coming from, my quibble with this is that he spent $400 with the expectation of getting to enjoy an activity with her. I dunno, it’s a pretty asshat move to buy someone a birthday gift because it’s something _you’ll_ enjoy. And even more asshat to then decide, “No, I won’t enjoy this after all, so you get dick-all. Sucks to be you!” And, all wrangling about what she bought for him, and whether/how much she agreed to pay for the tickets aside, that’s what happened. He’s an asshat. It is, of course, his right to be an asshat, and if she agreed to pay him full price for both tickets she should make with the money. But he’s still an asshat. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/65 "2012-08-22T22:02:15Z")
If you thought he owed you the tickets you should have just been up front about it instead of getting into this buy one/sell one BS. Going back to your ex about this kind of thing when you could get the tickets somewhere else (and cheaper!) just looks like you’re trying to stirring up drama. You dumped the guy and that means you have to sacrifice the perks of the relationship. If you were that concerned about the tickets you should have gotten them before you broke up. Bad move there. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/66 "2012-08-22T22:03:47Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I dunno, it’s a pretty asshat move to buy someone a birthday gift because it’s something _you’ll_ enjoy. And even more asshat to then decide, “No, I won’t enjoy this after all, so you get dick-all. Sucks to be you!” And, all wrangling about what she bought for him, and whether/how much she agreed to pay for the tickets aside, that’s what happened. He’s an asshat. > > It is, of course, his right to be an asshat, and if she agreed to pay him full price for both tickets she should make with the money. But he’s still an asshat. He may be an asshat for other reasons, but I don’t agree with your logic here. I think it’s pretty clear to all parties that he bought the tickets with the intent of them enjoying the concert together. Otherwise, he could have said, “Here are two tickets to this concert; take whomever you want and enjoy.” And I really don’t think it’s all that unusual to give an experience-type gift to someone with the expectation that you’re going to be part of that experience. Part of the fun in doing that is the opportunity to see how much your SO is enjoying your experience. It’s not analogous to Homer giving Marge a bowling ball with “Homer” engraved in it. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/67 "2012-08-22T22:03:57Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I dunno, it’s a pretty asshat move to buy someone a birthday gift because it’s something _you’ll_ enjoy. I don’t think it’s at all bad to buy someone a birthday gift you know you’ll enjoy together. Obviously, the dude in question knew it was something the OP wanted to do, so the gift seems appropriate as an offer of a cool date. I don’t believe he did more than offer a cool date, though. A gift would be, “Here are these tickets. You can take anyone you want!” A cool date is “I bought tickets for us to go together.” PS: Asimovian and I apparently spend too much time together. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/68 "2012-08-22T22:04:33Z")
The gift was not the tickets. The gift was the time (in this case future time) and space the ticket represents. Once he bought the tickets he bought the time and space of that specific seat at the concert venue for the specific amount of time the concert would be taking place. So I say he already had given her the gift (the future time and space) and so he did take it back when he kept the tickets because now she could not prove that that time and space belonged to her. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/69 "2012-08-22T22:05:26Z")
> [@SmellMyWort](#): > > If you thought he owed you the tickets you should have just been up front about it instead of getting into this buy one/sell one BS. Going back to your ex about this kind of thing when you could get the tickets somewhere else (and cheaper!) just looks like you’re trying to stirring up drama. You dumped the guy and that means you have to sacrifice the perks of the relationship. If you were that concerned about the tickets you should have gotten them before you broke up. Bad move there. Agreed, I should have gotten them on my own. I made huge mistake dealing with him. Lesson learned. I definitely was NOT trying to stir up drama, that is the furthest thing from my mind. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/70 "2012-08-22T22:10:46Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I would say you don’t owe him the $100. I would also say if you can afford it, give him the $100, stay on the high ground, and wash your hands of the man. Consider it your price for getting rid of him. This. ---
**Author:** ![Battle\_Pope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@Battle\_Pope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Battle_Pope)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/71 "2012-08-22T22:38:15Z")
Pay him the $100, even if its in instalments over a few paydays and then break off contact. You’ll both be better off. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/72 "2012-08-22T23:13:59Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > I don’t agree that the implication is that the tickets were hers because they were sleeping together. It was for her birthday, which exists, and a person who continues to exist despite the breakup. Unless he specifically said it was for the continued sexual favors in the confines of a relationship, he should honor his agreement. Just because people break up shouldn’t invalidate everything that happened during the relationship. When I break up with exes, that doesn’t mean I blab their secrets to everyone, set fire to items bought by or during the relationship, and generally pretend those people doesn’t exist anymore or are scum. If she asked me to keep a secret, I try my best to continue doing it. If I had given a gift to her, big or small, I wouldn’t ask for it back, ever Oh for crissake. I used the construction “sleeping together” as a joke because I got tired of typing girlfriend 80 times. He never gave her the gift. He told his girlfriend he was going to give her a gift; she’d decided to sever the relationship before she got her hands on it. Sure, he has a moral obligation not to commit the irrelevant parade of horribles you list. But he got a gift for his girlfriend. He no longer had the girlfriend, so she no longer was in the same position to expect the gift. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![pricciar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@pricciar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pricciar)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/73 "2012-08-22T23:15:36Z")
I’m not getting how the boyfriend was a dick or a vengeful cheapskate. You dumped him before he actually gave you the tickets. He decided he was going to sell the tickets, instead of going. He agrees to let you use one ticket and sell the other for him. You give him 200 bucks and he expects the rest of the money, after you sold the ticket. You give him 100 bucks and he is still expecting another 100. Where is he being a dick or vengeful in this situation? A vengeful move would have been for him to say no when you asked to buy the tickets from him. The fact is, if it is like a lot of concerts he could have gotten more than 200 for the tickets the closer to the date and he didn’t have a chance to do that since he sold the tickets to you. A dick move would have been selling you the tickets, but at a higher price. What he did was neutral. If he were nice he would have given the ticket he promised as a gift to you. If he were super beyond normal nice he would have given you your ticket, and his ticket as well. Maybe it would have been more polite for him to offer the ticket in the first place, or at least offer to sell it to her. But, not many people are up to being polite right after a breakup. They would rather not talk to the person who dumped them a lot of the time. Also, this has been mentioned, but deciding you can’t afford something after you have already agreed to purchase it doesn’t speak well of your character. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/74 "2012-08-22T23:39:10Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > I agree that that’s likely. Legally, that does not obligate him, but I don’t presume we’re discussing this from a legal standpoint. > > So, morally, should he be held to that promise? Is he obligated to still take her to the show as a couple? Because that’s part of the implication, as well. Obviously not. She didn’t want to be part of a couple. Part of the consequence of that decision is he’s not going to spend money on her like he would on his girlfrined. He’s not going to spend time with her like he would with his girlfriend. And he’s not going to try to make her happy like he would with his girlfriend. One doesn’t have the same relationship with a significant other than with a mere other. That’s why we have a word for it. > [@Anaamika](#): > > I submit that since he gave the tickets as a gift He didn’t give her the tickets. He bought them. That’s not the same thing. By the time it came to use the tickets, she was no longer his girlfriend, and there was no longer a special connection between them different than between any two persons dealing at arms length. > [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > I agree. The gift was a gift. I would never have asked for a gift back, but he did. No he didn’t. He didn’t give you a gift. He bought a gift he planned to give to you later, but you dumped his ass before that happened. Imagine this hypothetical (I don’t say this is you – I’m exaggerating things.) Tim and Sally have been dating. Sally is absolutely head over heels. She husbands her resources and buys a $5000 diamond chain. She does this because she wants to make Tim happy. She does this because she enjoys seeing Tim happy. She does this because it’s important to her that Tim understands how much she cares for him. She tells Tim that she has gotten him something, and she plans to give it to him Saturday night when it comes back from the engravers. Friday she comes home early from work to find Tim humping their next-door neighbor. Is she morally obligated to give Tim the necklace? FUCK NO. She bought the necklace as a token of a romantic connection they shared. Once that connection is over, then of course she wouldn’t give him a present she purchased in the throes of it. > [@](#): > > And even though I already paid for my ticket plus half of the other one, he is still aggressively hounding me. Because you purchased the tickets for $400 and you’ve only paid $300. The fact that you decided to purchase the tickets for that amount from him, presumably to salve his feelings, instead of cheaper elsewhere doesn’t change the bargain you and he struck. > [@](#): > > I can’t quite figure out what his motivation is… whether he really is desperate for money or whether he is still mad over the breakup. I think it’s because you told him you’d pay him, and you haven’t. > [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > So it’s OK for him to change his mind about something (giving me the tickets as a gift then later making me pay him for them) but it is NOT OK for me to change my mind about the agreement? How is that fair? > > You all say I have backed out of a deal and I am in the wrong; however, didn’t he back out of a deal? No. Don’t be an ass. There was no deal. He bought you a gift because you were dating, but he never made delivery. You weren’t dating by the time the concert came around, ergo, you don’t get the present he bought for his girlfriend. You then made a completely separate deal to buy the tickets from him, same as you would a stranger. And so far you haven’t held your end up. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2012, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/75 "2012-08-22T23:40:01Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > I definitely should have said that. My thinking at the time was, I felt really bad for him and was trying to do him a favor. I totally could have gotten the tickets cheaper if I had bought them on my own. I made a huge mistake making that agreement. > > However, I do recognize that I made the agreement and I think I will go ahead and give him the money. I think he’s a tacky cheap vengeful person, but I am trying to take the high road. I am a bit on then fence because I think I got a really raw deal, but I should have said something at the beginning. My bad. Yeah, it doesn’t really matter whether he bought them for you or what he paid for them - what matters is that you agreed you’d pay him the full amount. There’s no justifiable reason for you to renege on that agreement. Trust me, even if in your heart of hearts you feel that you don’t owe him the money, it’ll feel better to finish the relationship knowing that he can’t hold that over you. And you might not have got the tickets cheaper anyway. In most long-term relatinships I’ve known, something like this has come up, and both parties have cut their losses rather than quibble about concert tickets - even if they’re really poor. But I think people should back down a little now that you’ve acknowledged you should have said something earlier and you’re going to pay him the money. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/76 "2012-08-23T02:06:33Z")
He sounds like a dick, but if I were in your position I’d just give him the $100 and be done with it. You offered to sell the other ticket to begin with. A couple I know found themselves in a similar situation - the girl bought him a trip up north (can’t remember exactly where) to go see the aurora borealis. Needless to say it was quite the expensive gift. Before they actually went on that trip, though, they broke up. She had made reservations for both of them, so she offered to sell him her half of the trip if he wanted to take someone else, but considered his half of the trip a gift already given. (They ended up going together as friends.) That, to me, seems like what would have been the ideal solution to the OP - he should have given you your ticket for free and then offered to sell you the other ticket if you wanted to go with someone else. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/77 "2012-08-23T02:06:57Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Yes it was foolish. I was a little concerned that he bought tickets for an event so far in the future. If I had really been into him, that would have made me happy, but I wasn’t that into him so it just made me feel weird. No, I don’t think there will continue to be a friendship. I wanted to be friends but after this whole episode, he seems like such a vengeful cheapskate that I really don’t feel like associating with him anymore. For what its worth he gave you those tickets as a gift, in theory you could have taken him as your +1, your best friend, you great aunt Elsie, scalped or donated your ticket. Generally tickets are gifts that are implied to be “for you and me” but not necessarily. I don’t think you should have had to pay anything, clearly I am in the minority here. Maybe buy out his “extra” ticket but your own should have been handed over. Somewhat related annecdote: A few years back I got tickets for my parents, my then boyfriend (of a year) and I to see a concert together. I gave them as Christmas gifts, the concert was in April. By early March I was pretty sure I didn’t want to continue the relationship, but inertia on my part and him actually skipping a date, delayed things enough that I figured I might as well wait until after the concert was over to break up with him. (I figured continuing the relationship would mean I was less than happy for three more weeks, but the evening was going to be him, me and my parents, I didn’t see the point of ruining THEIR evenings by having an ex sit beside us. ) I was invited to a co worker’s birthday party after the concert (and he had to work at 11 pm) and at the party I actually met the person I am still with today. (five years in April since we met, living together about 8 months later) I broke up with then boyfriend the next day. No moral to the story. On the other hand the ex did get pissy about all kinds of things after we broke up including wanting the box back for the ring he had got me… in the end he got all his gifts back, I got none of mine, AND gave him the camping mattresses I had bought, a bunch of other gear too because I really just wasn’t interested in doing a balance sheet, I had moved on and told him to keep it all. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/78 "2012-08-23T02:11:09Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Dopers, I need your take on this situation. > > … To be honest, if you can afford it, it seems as if it is worth $100 just to get him out of your life. YMMV, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/79 "2012-08-23T02:15:35Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > To be honest, if you can afford it, it seems as if it is worth $100 just to get him out of your life. > > YMMV, of course. Yeah that is what I am doing. And to clear my name as The Bad Guy. **Mona Lisa Simpson** thank you for your story, and I totally agree with what you said, thanks for your input. Congrats on your guy! ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/80 "2012-08-23T02:48:01Z")
Would have been funny if the scalped tickets had turned out to be counterfeit and you hadn’t been able to get into the concert! I think you should have asked him if you could hang on to the tickets BEFORE you broke up with him, but i guess you weren’t thinking that far ahead. But just out a curiosity, what group is worth $400 for tickets? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297.md?page=5)