# Ex-boyfriend taking back a gift; what should I do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 22, 2012, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297 "2012-08-22T19:00:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/121 "2012-08-23T21:47:28Z")
> [@wellanuff](#): > > You’ve gotten a lot of very good advice in this thread, but I suspect most of it is not what you want to hear. > > … I just wanted to thank you for your long and well-thought-out post, I appreciate it! ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/122 "2012-08-23T22:19:26Z")
> [@Grestarian](#): > > Note also that I can\* promise to buy Asimovian’s car for ten million dollars but, until I front the money or he sends me the keys, it’s all empty words and no contract has been entered. If I send him a dollar as down-payment then a contract has been entered. > [@](#): > > \*I **can** , Asimovian. I didn’t and won’t. You sure? I will gladly buy you concert tickets in exchange for your ten million dollars and my car. Give it some thought – I am a reasonable man. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/123 "2012-08-23T22:20:07Z")
[quote=“Green\_Cymbeline, post:95, topic:632297”] It’s not like that. I didn’t feel he “owed” me anything. It was that once he started getting petty and bitter and saying I owed him to take delivery of what was originally a gift, I said, OK, if you can act that way, so can I. …[.quote] You didn’t address the other situations, which didn’t involve birthday/Christmas/other significant gift giving occasions but did involve joint plans with a breakup happening between the payment and the event. Would you really think that the person who paid for the honeymoon , or the prom tickets/limo was obligated to take the original person if a breakup happened in between? Because you can’t justify both tickets being your gift- one was clearly for him to use.What if these same tickets had been bought three months later after you have received a different birthday gift? ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/124 "2012-08-23T22:26:05Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > It’s a gray area on which we’re never going to agree… but I believe that an ethical person who presented to me that these tickets were a gift should stand by their word and honor that promise. Since he failed to be honorable, I am no longer bound to be honorable either. If he can ask for his gift back, then why can’t I? If he can act vindictively, then so can I. I think he should’ve definitely given you your ticket, at least. That was your birthday present; it was just chance that he didn’t print out the tickets and give them to you in your birthday card, or whatever. The other ticket is more of a grey area, since it was supposed to be for him - but I agree that the basic decent thing would’ve been for him to say, ‘Those were your birthday present - enjoy them.’ But how on earth are you suddenly not bound to be honourable just because he didn’t act honourably? Do you seriously let other people’s moral standards - especially when you believe they’re all wrong - dictate yours? If it wasn’t OK for him to act vindictively (which I agree it wasn’t), how on earth is it OK for you to act exactly the same way? ‘But he STARTED it!!!’ isn’t a morally acceptable argument for anyone over the age of six. Moral adults have their own personal moral standards. They don’t ditch them just because someone else doesn’t live up to them, and then put the responsibility for their own bad behaviour on the other person. The moral thing is to act the way that \*you \*consider moral. Not to say, ‘Well, HE didn’t, so I don’t have to either, nah nah nah!’ ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2012, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/125 "2012-08-23T23:50:27Z")
The other thing worth considering is that it really sucks to get dumped, and the dumper, according to all recognized authorities in etiquette, is allowed a minor measure of dickitude in response. Nothing big, no stalking or smashing windows or anything like that, but a little bit of petulance and pettiness, that’s kind of to be expected, and if someone manages not to be the least bit petty after being dumped, they’re a freakin’ saint. Not giving you the tickets may or may not be petty. But if it is petty, it’s only a tiny bit petty. Telling someone, “I’m dumping you–and oh yeah, that Christmas present you offered me, I’m still waiting on delivery,” is not only petty, it’s also pettiness-by-dumper, a sin far surpassing an equivalent pettiness-by-dumpee. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/126 "2012-08-24T00:24:31Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > What I find funniest about this statement is that clearly you have dreamed of asking for a gift back. That’s what this entire thread is about–your running tally of who gave what when and how much it cost. > > Now maybe I would think of it, too. I might be resentful. But in truth, most of the things I resent are things that I just need to grow the fuck up about. Resentment and irritation are not excuses for bad behavior. Other people’s bad behavior is also not an excuse for bad behavior. You might do a bad thing in reaction to someone else’s bad thing, but don’t try to justify it. What’s funnier is this is her standard MO. Check out the “Greg” thread ([here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=593947)) where she CANNOT let go of the fact that “Greg”'s ex-wife spending “Greg’s” child support money on stuff like a house is _also_ helping “Greg”'s ex’s boyfriend and three other kids. Over and over, she goes on and on and on about “right”, “justice”, “honorable” and every time she comes back to the $$$$$ aspect of it. Bluntly, her posts imply selfishness of a really astonishing degree and an unhealthy interest in money uber alles. Exactly the same pattern. “All I care about is _justice and faaaaaaairness_. Now what about the money?” And to answer the OP 1. He never gave you the gift. 2. Unless you offered to straight-up trade him the hockey tickets for The Wall tickets, he owes you nothing. 3. He owes you nothing, but you owe him $100 from offering to pay him for the tickets and then giving one away. 4. In the future, perhaps you should just insist that future boyfriends give you cash and you’ll write them a check for an equal value when exchanging presents. Won’t be romantic, but it’ll reduce the drama about four billion percent. > [@JSGoddess](#): > > A gift isn’t a “deal.” A deal is “I give you X and you give me Y.” A gift is “I give you X because I like you.” He probably no longer likes you very much, so he doesn’t give you gifts any longer. Stop saying stuff I want to say before I do!!! ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/127 "2012-08-24T00:45:02Z")
You purchased $300 tickets for his December birthday. He purchased the disputed $400 tickets as a Christmas gift. What did you get him for Christmas? What did he get you for your birthday? Just curious. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/128 "2012-08-24T02:14:50Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > What’s funnier is this is her standard MO. > > Check out the “Greg” thread ([here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=593947)) where she CANNOT let go of the fact that “Greg”'s ex-wife spending “Greg’s” child support money on stuff like a house is _also_ helping “Greg”'s ex’s boyfriend and three other kids. > > Over and over, she goes on and on and on about “right”, “justice”, “honorable” and every time she comes back to the $$$$$ aspect of it. > > Bluntly, her posts imply selfishness of a really astonishing degree and an unhealthy interest in money uber alles. > > Exactly the same pattern. “All I care about is _justice and faaaaaaairness_. Now what about the money?” Wrong. I’m selfish? For those who don’t want to read through that long thread, it was about how I was upset that my boyfriend’s kids’ stepfather was convicted for **CHILD MOLESTATION** and that their mother continued to defend the molester stepfather and kept the kids in the house with him. I spent years advocating on behalf of kids not my own because I cared about them. And I’m selfish?? It wasn’t about money, that was only a peripheral issue in the story because my boyfriend had spent $20,000 fighting for custody and he finally ran out of money and couldn’t save them. But the story was about WHY he was fighting for custody. You don’t get it. Neither story was about money. I am as non-materialistic as one can be. The “Greg” issue was about kids being abused. The tickets issue is about someone being a vengeful dick. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/129 "2012-08-24T02:17:42Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > You don’t get it. Neither story was about money. I am as non-materialistic as one can be. The “Greg” issue was about kids being abused. The tickets issue is about someone being a vengeful dick. The Greg story, I can’t comment on. But in this story, from what you’ve told us, your boyfriend comes across less poorly than you–and that’s from how you tell the story. He was a bit sulky after you broke up with him; you tried to rip him off, using a pretty weak rationalization. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/130 "2012-08-24T02:18:13Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > You purchased $300 tickets for his December birthday. > He purchased the disputed $400 tickets as a Christmas gift. > What did you get him for Christmas? > What did he get you for your birthday? > > Just curious. I honestly don’t remember. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/131 "2012-08-24T02:22:59Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > The Greg story, I can’t comment on. But in this story, from what you’ve told us, your boyfriend comes across less poorly than you–and that’s from how you tell the story. He was a bit sulky after you broke up with him; you tried to rip him off. I get that that is your opinion, but I think he ripped me off. There are others in this thread who agree with me, and probably others who don’t want to jump in and face the naysayer’s beat down. And for chrissakes, I f **king paid the guy the rest of the money, didn’t you see where I said that several times? Give me a f** king break. I paid the money. And he is still a cheap bitter vengeful asshole and I’m glad I got to see this genuine side of him. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/132 "2012-08-24T02:35:35Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > And for chrissakes, I f **king paid the guy the rest of the money, didn’t you see where I said that several times? Give me a f** king break. I paid the money. And he is still a cheap bitter vengeful asshole and I’m glad I got to see this genuine side of him. Yeah, I saw that–that’s why I said you tried to rip him off. That attempt occurred when you paid him $100 less than the agreed-on value of the ticket. He called you on that attempted ripoff, and you tried again to justify it by coming here, where you got an overwhelmingly negative response to your attempt. Nothing in what you’ve told us about him makes him sound cheap or bitter. He might be a tiny bit vengeful, but only a tiny bit. Your actions, however, are really cheap and petty, and your willingness to pay him only so that you can metaphorically spit on him at the same time isn’t the least bit noble. You don’t get brownie points for deciding not to renege on a deal after all. And he doesn’t get asshole points for holding you to your deal. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/133 "2012-08-24T02:38:03Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Nothing in what you’ve told us about him makes him sound cheap or bitter. He might be a tiny bit vengeful, but only a tiny bit. The whole reason he is doing this is because he is bitter and butthurt over me breaking up with him. That’s clear. It makes him look pathetic, especially that he’s making such a huge deal 8 months after the fact. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/134 "2012-08-24T02:44:56Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > The whole reason he is doing this is because he is bitter and butthurt over me breaking up with him. That’s clear. It makes him look pathetic, especially that he’s making such a huge deal 8 months after the fact. And so what? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/135 "2012-08-24T02:46:42Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > The whole reason he is doing this is because he is bitter and butthurt over me breaking up with him. That’s clear. It makes him look pathetic, especially that he’s making such a huge deal 8 months after the fact. He might be bitter over the breakup, but guess what? That’s the dumpee’s prerogative, and your calling him butthurt is NOT your prerogative. Your insistence on doing so reflects poorly on you. As for who’s making a huge deal, you’re the one who pursued tickets after the breakup, which is a pretty petty action to take: the non-petty course would have been to write them off, or even send him a note saying, “I know you bought those for us, but I hope you’re able to find someone else to go to the show with! If you’re not, and if you’d like to go as friends, I’ll keep the date open.” Had you done that, you actually would have gotten the brownie points. But you pursued them, pettily, and when he allowed you to have them at fair market value instead of telling you to kiss off, he declined to be vengeful. He decided to deal with you as a reasonable adult. Was he correct to do so? You then made it an even bigger deal by trying to stiff him on the agreed-upon price. He doesn’t look the least bit pathetic. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/136 "2012-08-24T02:48:53Z")
Just a thought: Next time just put “Dopers please validate me” if you actually don’t want honest opinions. When you lead out with: > [@](#): > > Dopers, I need your take on this situation. Then some crazy posters will get the idea that you actually want their opinion. I know, people are weird. ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/137 "2012-08-24T02:58:51Z")
In the other thread you had mentioned that this guy was very low paid and broke. And also that you had resumed working after an extended illness not long before. I wonder if, after you gave such an extravagant birthday present despite the financial strain, he felt obligated to respond in kind. Maybe he could even see the writing on the wall (no pun intended) and the tickets were a last ditch attempt to splash out for you. Then when you add in the fact that you _said_ you’d give him $400, then tried to only give him 3, I don’t know. He doesn’t sound babyish and butthurt to me. Just, well, _normal_, really. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/138 "2012-08-24T03:05:49Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Neither story was about money. This entire thread is about money. Your OP is about money. You didn’t start a thread saying “My ex boyfriend hurt my feelings by taking back a gift he had given me” or the like. No, you started a thread talking about money, the money he spent, the money you spent, the money he was trying to get for the tickets, the money you offered for the tickets, the money you sent for the tickets, the money you don’t want to send for the tickets, the money, the money, the money. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/139 "2012-08-24T03:28:29Z")
…are you even hot? ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/140 "2012-08-24T10:15:01Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Wrong. I’m selfish? For those who don’t want to read through that long thread, it was about how I was upset that my boyfriend’s kids’ stepfather was convicted for **CHILD MOLESTATION** and that their mother continued to defend the molester stepfather and kept the kids in the house with him. Actually, that’s some other thread. Your concern for the kids slows down around post 62 and your remaining posts in the next 300 or so posts become more and more about the $$$$ > [@](#): > > You don’t get it. Neither story was about money. I am as non-materialistic as one can be. The “Greg” issue was about kids being abused. The tickets issue is about someone being a vengeful dick. I’m not talking about the whole “Greg” story-I don’t remember most of the other threads–I’m talking about that particular thread where your main concern after about post 62 was the $$$$$. The other thing I’m noticing is everything is someone else’s fault with you. The bestest friend ever–who might or might not be gay, I don’t know—who only wanted to spend the part of [New Year’s Eve](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=231991) with you when you were holding a party and would rather go to another friends party when you went bar-hopping? All his fault, none yours. Saint “Greg”'s fight with his ex-wife? ALL her fault, none his. This case? He’s being “a cheap bitter vengeful asshole” (who should totally buy you a present, so you come out even-stevenies) and you’re a poor, put-on, ill-done-by innocent, straight out of a Bronte novel. ☹ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297.md?page=8)