# Ex-boyfriend taking back a gift; what should I do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 22, 2012, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297 "2012-08-22T19:00:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![lycopersiyum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9fc29f/32.png) [@lycopersiyum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lycopersiyum)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/141 "2012-08-24T10:40:07Z")
Unless you had some kind of legally recognized contract that the tickets you bought were to be offset by the tickets he bought, you’re in the wrong. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/142 "2012-08-24T11:13:28Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > The tickets issue is about someone being a vengeful dick. Don’t be so hard on yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/143 "2012-08-24T14:44:37Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > The bestest friend ever–who might or might not be gay, I don’t know—who only wanted to spend the part of [New Year’s Eve](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=231991) with you when you were holding a party and would rather go to another friends party when you went bar-hopping? All his fault, none yours. That thread is nine (9) years old. You were being negative toward me in that thread too, all those years ago. Funny. Thanks for following me all these years, I appreciate your interest! I don’t get why you’re still digging at me in this thread, bringing up years-old threads to somehow damage my character – when I have already paid the guy the money (like I have said multiple times here so far). Is it entertaining for you to scour past posts to find things you don’t like then bring them up years later in the current thread? ---
**Author:** ![Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Curiosity_Kills_Her)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/144 "2012-08-24T14:47:45Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > Actually, that’s some other thread. Your concern for the kids slows down around post 62 and your remaining posts in the next 300 or so posts become more and more about the $$$$ > > I’m not talking about the whole “Greg” story-I don’t remember most of the other threads–I’m talking about that particular thread where your main concern after about post 62 was the $$$$$. > > The other thing I’m noticing is everything is someone else’s fault with you. The bestest friend ever–who might or might not be gay, I don’t know—who only wanted to spend the part of [New Year’s Eve](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=231991) with you when you were holding a party and would rather go to another friends party when you went bar-hopping? All his fault, none yours. > > Saint “Greg”'s fight with his ex-wife? ALL her fault, none his. > > This case? He’s being “a cheap bitter vengeful asshole” (who should totally buy you a present, so you come out even-stevenies) and you’re a poor, put-on, ill-done-by innocent, straight out of a Bronte novel. ☹ This quote from the NYE thread sums it up: > [@](#): > > In my philosophy, I expect to get back as much as I give. And as much as I give to him, I think this is a small thing he could do for me. The problem is, life isn’t perfectly even. Being a friend or having a relationship shouldn’t be about keeping inventory. Also - gift giving should be done with no strings attached. It took me a lot of years to learn to gracefully accept receiving gifts because anything I’d ever been given had later been used as something to hold over me or berate me about. I am fortunate to have (and to have had) a number of extremely giving people in my life over the last ten - fifteen years with no expectations beyond making me happy while understanding the gestures could not be returned in kind. That was a really hard lesson for me, and the attitude in this thread is but one example why. The less difficult lesson for me was that when you give something to someone you do so _freely_, without expectations. _It does not matter what the other person does or does not do._ Giving is a choice _you_ make, not a way of controlling someone else. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/145 "2012-08-24T14:51:38Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > Actually, that’s some other thread. Your concern for the kids slows down around post 62 and your remaining posts in the next 300 or so posts become more and more about the $$$$ Nope. For those who don’t want to read through a long thread, I was concerned about the kids because their mom was spending their child support on herself, her other 3 kids, and her boyfriend. She didn’t work, her live-in boyfriend didn’t work, and her only income was the kids’ child support, so it was being spread 8 ways instead of 3. They were being neglected and not getting the use of their support. Of course I was concerned for their welfare. Stop trying to make me look bad for caring about these kids who were being neglected and abused. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/146 "2012-08-24T15:07:15Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Absolutely agreed. I was a little taken aback (not in a good way honestly) when he got me tickets for an event 7 months in the future. I’m not sure you do understand. The original comment was about people being together for a short time spending $700 on gifts. Your response was about a long term event. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/147 "2012-08-24T15:08:34Z")
> [@Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](#): > > The less difficult lesson for me was that when you give something to someone you do so _freely_, without expectations. _It does not matter what the other person does or does not do._ Giving is a choice _you_ make, not a way of controlling someone else. Exactly. Never ever keep tabs. Ever. It can only lead to resentment and frustration. Good friends don’t keep score. And if you give more than you receive, well, them’s the breaks. You don’t give with the expectation of reciprocation. Never. At least not in my philosophy. This has made me a happy person. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/148 "2012-08-24T15:44:48Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > That thread is nine (9) years old. You were being negative toward me in that thread too, all those years ago. Funny. So nice of you to point out that you’ve kept the same crappy, money-obsessed, “it’s everyone’s fault but mine” behavior for the last nine (9) years with no change or growth? And you still characterize anything other than hugs and unconditional support as “being negative towards you” after nine (9) years? Sorry, but I’m finding that much more sad than funny. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/149 "2012-08-24T15:48:50Z")
All questions about the tickets aside, it’s a fact that you’ll _never_ get back the thank-you nookie you gave him for getting you tickets to your favorite artist. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/150 "2012-08-24T16:05:16Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Wrong. I’m selfish? For those who don’t want to read through that long thread…\< snip \> Seriously people, for all the bitching and moaning about how terribly long the thread is, it’s only ~300 posts. > [@](#): > > You don’t get it. Neither story was about money. I am as non-materialistic as one can be. The “Greg” issue was about kids being abused. The tickets issue is about someone being a vengeful dick. From that thread > [@Father's quest for his kids goes down in flames; advice (and sympathy) requested](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/137): > > Well, I see what I see. I’ve read the threads and it always boils down to $2500 being spent in ways you don’t like. Oh, and P.S. the kids might be suffering, too. . Also from that thread > [@Father's quest for his kids goes down in flames; advice (and sympathy) requested](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/202): > > Let’s do the math: > > 8 people in the household with their income: Susan + 3 younger kids ($700 in welfare), Boyfriend ($0), Greg’s 3 kids ($2,500) > > Greg pays $2,500 which is meant for the 3 kids. That is $833.33 meant for the benefit of each child. > > Susan and the 3 younger kids get $700 in welfare (Note: I believe that most or all of the welfare is in the form of food stamps) = $175 per person > > Add it all together: $2,500 + $700 = $3,200 / 8 people = $400 per person in the household. > > $833.33 - $400 = $433.33 \<----- This is the amount of money belonging to Greg’s children that is being “stolen” each month. Nope–nothing there about money at all. And no ongoing pattern of behavior that’s reflected in this thread too. And no “It’s everyone’s fault but mine” behavior there either". It’s _always_ someone else’s fault even after nine (9) years, you still don’t seem to accept any responsibility for anything. ---
**Author:** ![Bass\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/43a26b/32.png) [@Bass\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bass_Chick)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/151 "2012-08-24T16:35:37Z")
I’m curious. What was your motivation for spending the $300 dollars on his gift in the first place? What exactly were you thinking at the time? ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/152 "2012-08-24T16:49:59Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > The whole reason he is doing this is because he is bitter and butthurt over me breaking up with him. That’s clear. It makes him look pathetic, especially that he’s making such a huge deal 8 months after the fact. We can’t speak to him, but right now the only one looking bitter and butthurt here is you. He made an offer of a gift, conditions changed, he withdrew his offer. It’s not the peak of ethics, but it’s pretty minor in the scale of things. You’re the only one making a huge deal of it. He agreed to sell you the tickets, you act like you wanted to renege on that deal but paid him because you say you’re a better person. If that’s the case, act like a better person, accept that the world doesn’t always work the way you want, and move on. ---
**Author:** ![Bass\_Chick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/43a26b/32.png) [@Bass\_Chick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bass_Chick)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/153 "2012-08-24T16:53:47Z")
Maybe it’s just me, but if someone I was dating promised to take me someplace at a future time, I would automatically assume that the offer was rescinded if we broke up before that date occurred. I would have no expectation of him to do anything for me or give anything to me - especially something expensive. I struggle to understand why someone would expect an ex from a brief relationship to feel obligated to make a financial sacrifice on their behalf. That’s not how it works, at least in my experience. When a relationship ends, you don’t get to keep the benefits. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/154 "2012-08-24T17:08:47Z")
> [@Bass\_Chick](#): > > When a relationship ends, you don’t get to keep the benefits. Which is why, when Asimovian gets the 10 million for his car, I’m going to make sure he puts it into a joint account! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/155 "2012-08-24T17:19:50Z")
I was sort of wondering how things would have gone differently if it had been a long-term relationship instead of a very short-term one, and I came to the conclusion that when people break up, all bets are off. It would be nice if a guy would give his ex-girlfriend the tickets if they broke up after 3 years, but I wouldn’t expect it - people act all kinds of ways when relationships end. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/156 "2012-08-24T17:21:56Z")
> [@Bass\_Chick](#): > > Maybe it’s just me, but if someone I was dating promised to take me someplace at a future time, I would automatically assume that the offer was rescinded if we broke up before that date occurred. I would have no expectation of him to do anything for me or give anything to me - especially something expensive. > > I struggle to understand why someone would expect an ex from a brief relationship to feel obligated to make a financial sacrifice on their behalf. That’s not how it works, at least in my experience. When a relationship ends, you don’t get to keep the benefits. I know. Crazy right? But he _promised_! ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/157 "2012-08-24T17:28:37Z")
Gifts are not a financial transaction. Nobody owes anybody anything. If you want to buy the tickets from him after breaking up with him, it is a fresh new transaction and he has the right to ask whatever price he wants. $100 is fair; full facial value is fair; scalped price paid is fair; $1,000 is fair. He’s no longer your boyfriend, and any gifts you might have given him when he was are no longer on the ledger. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/158 "2012-08-24T17:39:22Z")
Legally speaking, a gift has only one condition, delivery. There’s no such thing as a promise to give a gift. So until you actually have a gift in your hands, you have nothing. And a gift isn’t conditional. Once you’ve delivered it, you can’t insist on getting something in return. Those are the basic differences between a gift and a contract. So, you gave him a gift, tickets to a hockey game, which you delivered to him in February. Transaction complete. He promised to give you a gift. Which, legally speaking, is nothing at all. He did not deliver the gift. Which means you got nothing. Then he rescinded his promise to give you a gift. That’s zero. Then you asked for the tickets. He said he’d give them to you for $400. That’s a contract, a completely new transaction. The prior promise to give you a gift is irrelevant. That gift is gone, as if it had never existed. You agreed. He delivered on his obligation under the contract by giving you the tickets. However, you paid him only $300. Incomplete performance. You owe him $100. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/159 "2012-08-24T18:11:31Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Which is why, when Asimovian gets the 10 million for his car, I’m going to make sure he puts it into a joint account! I promise you that at a future date, I will do that. My gift to you. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2012, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297/160 "2012-08-24T19:49:09Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > You owe him $100. Nice summary and I agree with everything you wrote except the last line. She already paid him the $100. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-boyfriend-taking-back-a-gift-what-should-i-do/632297.md?page=9)