# Ex Girlfriend situation. Gimme some advise here! I really need help! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 8, 2014, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963 "2014-05-08T12:47:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/21 "2014-05-08T17:22:17Z")
1. Don’t date women who call you “Stupid”. It’s not cute. 2. Don’t say things you don’t mean. Life isn’t kindergarten. There are no backsies. 3. Date around for a while before you decide to have another relationship. Get to know yourself better, first. 4. For future reference - Don’t marry the first girl you sleep with. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/22 "2014-05-08T17:25:12Z")
She \*\*said \*\*she doesn’t want to be with you. If you don’t respect that, then you don’t respect her. And nobody wants to be with someone who disrespects their wishes. You can’t force someone to date you. ---
**Author:** ![Haunted\_Pasta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/94ad74/32.png) [@Haunted\_Pasta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haunted_Pasta)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/23 "2014-05-08T17:37:32Z")
> [@randomguest101](#): > > But what can i do to make her want me back as well? You absolutely cannot, in any way, make another person want to do something. None of us have that power. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/24 "2014-05-08T17:42:46Z")
Lots of good advice in this thread. I know it’s hard, but hang in there. You’ll get through it. > [@Icarus](#): > > The reality is that you will obsess about her for a very long time to come. It was a two-month relationship. If he “obsess[ses] over her for a very long time to come,” then he needs to get help. Back when I was in college, I heard a rule of thumb–it shouldn’t take you any longer to get over a relationship than half the length of the relationship. Naturally there are a thousand-and-one reasons why the rule of thumb is invalid for this or that situation, but for shorter-term relationships, it’s not a bad thing to keep in mind. It certainly helped me in a few situations because it helped me realize that I was dwelling on something and needed to force myself to move on. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/25 "2014-05-08T18:41:13Z")
Yes, it’s a lost cause. Probably more to do with lack of proximity than telling her you loved her and then taking it back. But that didn’t help your case at all. So, let go of this. Learn from it and date locally and don’t take back saying “I love you”. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/26 "2014-05-08T18:55:23Z")
And I’ll tell you this also. If you walk away with some dignity and respect for yourself, there is a much, much greater chance she will come back to you than if you hang around like a sad puppy. Don’t take this as me saying you should pretend to be confident in order to win her back. I am just saying that a confident man is more attractive than a whiny one. ---
**Author:** ![StayseaDee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@StayseaDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StayseaDee)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/27 "2014-05-08T19:02:41Z")
> [@Merneith](#): > > 1. Don’t date women who call you “Stupid”. It’s not cute. > > 2. Don’t say things you don’t mean. Life isn’t kindergarten. There are no backsies. > > 3. Date around for a while before you decide to have another relationship. Get to know yourself better, first. This is good advice. ---
**Author:** ![VarlosZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d78d45/32.png) [@VarlosZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VarlosZ)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/28 "2014-05-08T19:14:11Z")
“Sorry, I know I’ve been acting a little goofy lately. I like you a whole lot, and if you change your mind, let me know. Otherwise, I hope we can be friends.” [note: you do not actually want to be friends with her.] This is your best shot at getting her back. It’s very unlikely to work, but that’s ok because it’s also your best shot at keeping your dignity in the extremely likely event that your relationship is over. ---
**Author:** ![flight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@flight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flight)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/29 "2014-05-08T19:21:52Z")
Wasn’t someone starting a betting pool in the other thread about how long this would last? Did anyone pick 12 hours? ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/30 "2014-05-08T23:34:28Z")
> [@Dustin\_the\_Wind](#): > > It was asked in that original thread that Accidental Martyr cited and you never answered, but, OP, how old are you? You come off as being really, really young. I’d say they both come off as being really, really young. **Two** months, long distance at that, and she gets him an engraved “Forever and Always” recorder keychain with a sample of her voice saying “Hey stupid!! I miss YOU!!” If I were older than 17 I’d be doing one of [these](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UUBBVvfBUcM/T1t8Zi673mI/AAAAAAAAA0c/uEdZ-PA4IpI/s1600/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif). ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/31 "2014-05-08T23:49:58Z")
> [@randomguest101](#): > > but seeing that we broke up, she said she needed to give me something because if she held onto it she would just throw it away. . And, sorry to say (I’ve read both of your threads) “throw away” is just how she sees you. And that is OK. You are young and it sucks, but accept it. She’s not your girlfriend…you never got that close, really. Lockets and silly sayings and calling each other “Stupid” and texting every hour don’t count as signs of a mature relationship. You screwed up by being passive-aggressive and dishonest with her, so she’s not obligated to be honest with you, right? Learn and move on. It sucks and hurts right now but in time you will gain perspective. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2014, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/32 "2014-05-08T23:51:11Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > And, sorry to say (I’ve read both of your threads) “throw away” is just how she sees you. And that is OK. You are young and it sucks, but accept it. She’s not your girlfriend…you never got that close, really. Lockets and silly sayings and calling each other “Stupid” and texting every hour don’t count as signs of a mature relationship. > > You screwed up by being passive-aggressive and dishonest with her, so she’s not obligated to be honest with you, right? Learn and move on. It sucks and hurts right now but in time you will gain perspective. I’ll repeat that he may not of “Screwed up.” She found someone new and available, that happens even when you don’t screw up. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/33 "2014-05-09T00:07:06Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > I’ll repeat that he may not of “Screwed up.” She found someone new and available, that happens even when you don’t screw up. Yes true, but he still screwed up by being passive-aggressive and too “nice guy-ish” but “actually really resentful” in[his first thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=722644). And I think he needs to understand that before embarking on any more Serious Relationships (even though I suspect he and his beloved intended are actually about 15 years old from the recounting of it.) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/34 "2014-05-09T00:46:03Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > She \*\*said \*\*she doesn’t want to be with you. If you don’t respect that, then you don’t respect her. And nobody wants to be with someone who disrespects their wishes. You can’t force someone to date you. We should just tattoo this on people… (Although plenty of people want to be with someone who disrespects them - those people are SCREWED UP and healthy people should run). ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/35 "2014-05-09T00:58:11Z")
Besides, her new friends play beer pong and watch football. No wonder she left you. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/36 "2014-05-09T01:00:51Z")
OP, things suck right now and I feel your pain. But just realize that your world will open up significantly and this will all seem but a distant blip once you get your driver’s license and begin driving. Hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/37 "2014-05-09T01:05:14Z")
> [@flight](#): > > Wasn’t someone starting a betting pool in the other thread about how long this would last? Did anyone pick 12 hours? I asked if someone was starting a pool. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/38 "2014-05-09T02:40:49Z")
> [@VarlosZ](#): > > “Sorry, I know I’ve been acting a little goofy lately. I like you a whole lot, and if you change your mind, let me know. Otherwise, I hope we can be friends.” [note: you do not actually want to be friends with her.] > > This is your best shot at getting her back. It’s very unlikely to work, but that’s ok because it’s also your best shot at keeping your dignity in the extremely likely event that your relationship is over. Most of the advice here (maybe all of it) is pretty good advice. I’d change the above to “Sorry. I’ve been a **complete idiot**. I like you a whole lot …”" But first be sure you understand that you were a complete idiot, so you’re telling the truth when you fess up to it. If you don’t understand that first, there’s little hope, and you’ll make the same kind of mistake again. Hopefully, not again and again and again. Also, I especially like the advice about respecting her choices and SHOWING her that you respect her choices. And that you can’t make anyone feel something. If you do anything for her birthday, just send a card. No long letter. Just one that says you hope she’s happy. And yeah, find a girl who doesn’t call you Stupid. Start by earning a better nickname. People give stupid people a bad name. I know a lot of people with low IQs who are nonetheless wise and happy. You don’t need to be a genius. You can even be “really not very clever” or any one of a million ways to put it. But if you’re **foolish** (and people with any IQ can be foolish or not), you’ll rack up a lot of regrets. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/39 "2014-05-09T04:17:54Z")
If it’s any consolation, I don’t think things were perfect and then one mistake torpedoed the whole thing. People lose interest slower than that. So while what you did this time was…um…inadvisable, I’m confident this was bound to end sooner or later. Don’t beat yourself up over this one incident; you might not have caused this the way you think you did. It does sound like there’s some stuff you should work on, but you’ll learn. It’s a beautiful metamorphosis we all go through, as wide-eyed fawning obsequiousness slowly gives way to jaundiced aloofness. And then, one day, grasshopper, you will shatter someone else’s heart and the Circle of Life will begin anew. ---
**Author:** ![crono35](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f6c823/32.png) [@crono35](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crono35)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2014, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963/40 "2014-05-09T06:28:09Z")
Distance is tough to deal with. It’s hard to work through some problems when you can’t see each other face to face- some things are lost in translation through email, phone calls, etc. Life’s too short to deny yourself anything but the best (in terms of a relationship, at least). Time to find someone whose company you can enjoy as often as you want. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-girlfriend-situation-gimme-some-advise-here-i-really-need-help/687963.md?page=3)