# Ex Husband is a jerk **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 1, 2012, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445 "2012-03-01T14:47:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/21 "2012-03-01T19:28:11Z")
> [@Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](#): > > The OP does not provide enough information for us to be able to judge him. Agreed. To me, it’s not a good Pit thread if I can’t get angry either _with_ the OP or _at_ the OP, and I don’t know which to do here. Is he generally a decent father? Does he cancel his visits often? How much notice did he give before doing so this time? I hope you’ll come back to the thread, **purplelady666** , as the answers to these questions will help me decide if your ex-husband is truly a jerk or not. Or at least pop by to add a few "shit"s and "fuck"s and stuff. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/22 "2012-03-01T19:35:28Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > One that wants to have a good time and celebrate, not watch a brat, which is definitely something he should be allowed to do on his birthday. I am amused that the way you wrote this makes it sound like you think that watching a brat is something he should definitely be allowed to do on his birthday. Anyway: This thread does not deliver. Weak. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/23 "2012-03-01T19:48:04Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > One that wants to have a good time and celebrate, not watch a brat, which is definitely something he should be allowed to do on his birthday. Man, I could sell tickets to this show. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/24 "2012-03-01T19:59:57Z")
The nerve of that fucker wanting to do something on his own birthday that doesn’t meet your approval. He probably didn’t even ask you ahead of time either. How in the world did you leave him enough money, after child support, to allow him to have any kind of free birthday at all? You must have had a shitty lawyer. Maybe he will get back to catering to your desires, while you hold your daughter hostage between you, after he has a little fun on his birthday. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/25 "2012-03-01T20:14:33Z")
> [@purplelady666](#): > > My ex husband is a jerk. It was his birthday this past Sunday and he didn’t take our daughter for his weekly visitation because he was “busy all day” for his birthday. Am I the only one who interpreted ‘busy all day’ as ‘going to be half in the bag all day’? To me this meant he was going to be knocking back a few and thought it might be irresponsible to be around the daughter in that state. But what do I know? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/26 "2012-03-01T20:21:24Z")
I’m sorry, but if the dad is blowing off scheduled visitation, without a plan to make it up, that sucks. Nothing came before my husband’s time with his son. Kids aren’t stupid. They know when they’re being blown off and it hurts them. If this was a one off, or he wanted to see the girl on Sat instead of Sunday, I’ll give him a pass. Visitation and relationships don’t have to be that rigid. But if the OP is accurate, and this another example of a dad putting his fun before his daughter’s time, I’d be pissed too. The time with dad is just for the dad, it’s for the child too. The OP could be a screaming selfish harpy, etc etc, but taken at face value, yeah- that’s a lame move on the dad’s part. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/27 "2012-03-01T20:25:25Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > One that wants to have a good time and celebrate, not watch a brat, which is definitely something he should be allowed to do on his birthday. Jeez, you don’t like people to adopt kids, or have them out of wedlock, apparently you don’t like kids born in wedlock. When is it appropriate to have kids? Of course if you don’t want humanity to just all drop dead that is…:dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/28 "2012-03-01T20:28:03Z")
I’m not even divorced and I don’t always want to spend my birthday with my kid. When I turned 30, I took the day off work, dropped my son off at day care as usual and spend the whole day doing things I enjoyed. Two years ago, I went to Key West for my birthday with just my mom, leaving my kid and my husband home. Sometimes you just want to do something grown-up to celebrate the fact that you’ve made it another year. I’m not saying the OP’s ex isn’t a jerk. He may well be the biggest loser asshole ever, but it’s not because he wants to celebrate his birthday his own way w/o his child. If he had been too busy to spend HER birthday with her, that would be another matter altogether. Also, if he cancelled at the last minute or just didn’t show up, that’s pretty jerky. But if he told ahead of time and made other plans, I don’t see the problem. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/29 "2012-03-01T20:28:09Z")
Hmmmm… Sounds to me like the kid should be too busy on her next birthday to spend time with dad. What goes around… ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/30 "2012-03-01T20:29:42Z")
If only **Dio** were not banned, he’d be able to whip this up into a proper crapfight. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/31 "2012-03-01T20:31:45Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > When is it appropriate to have kids? Of course if you don’t want humanity to just all drop dead that is…:dubious: Only when someone else dies, [apparently](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero_population_growth). ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/32 "2012-03-01T20:33:32Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > Jeez, you don’t like people to adopt kids, or have them out of wedlock, apparently you don’t like kids born in wedlock. > > When is it appropriate to have kids? Of course if you don’t want humanity to just all drop dead that is…:dubious: Yeah, the antichild sentiment seems more suited to [NPG](http://www.npg.org/faq.html) than ZPG. Check that. More like militant CFer. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/33 "2012-03-01T20:58:34Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > I’m not even divorced and I don’t always want to spend my birthday with my kid. When I turned 30, I took the day off work, dropped my son off at day care as usual and spend the whole day doing things I enjoyed. Two years ago, I went to Key West for my birthday with just my mom, leaving my kid and my husband home. Sometimes you just want to do something grown-up to celebrate the fact that you’ve made it another year. > > I’m not saying the OP’s ex isn’t a jerk. He may well be the biggest loser asshole ever, but it’s not because he wants to celebrate his birthday his own way w/o his child. If he had been too busy to spend HER birthday with her, that would be another matter altogether. Also, if he cancelled at the last minute or just didn’t show up, that’s pretty jerky. But if he told ahead of time and made other plans, I don’t see the problem. I think the point, unless I’m misreading it, is that he bailed on his weekly visitation because it was his birthday. That her time with dad fell on his birthday, so he bailed on her. So unless he moved the visit around to another day, yeah, that blows. If his birthday fell on another day, he certainly didn’t have to invite her out- that’s a different scenario. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/34 "2012-03-01T21:15:22Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > Jeez, you don’t like people to adopt kids, or have them out of wedlock, apparently you don’t like kids born in wedlock. > > When is it appropriate to have kids? Of course if you don’t want humanity to just all drop dead that is…:dubious: Raising kids and raising spoiled brats are totally different things. Adults are entitled to have their own lives. They do not have to live every moment catering to a kid. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/35 "2012-03-01T21:26:39Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I think the point, unless I’m misreading it, is that he bailed on his weekly visitation because it was his birthday. That her time with dad fell on his birthday, so he bailed on her. So unless he moved the visit around to another day, yeah, that blows. If his birthday fell on another day, he certainly didn’t have to invite her out- that’s a different scenario. True. I was mostly replying to the statement: > [@purplelady666](#): > > What type of father doesn’t want to spend time with his daughter on their birthday? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/36 "2012-03-01T21:29:07Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > True. I was mostly replying to the statement: I see. That makes sense. I wonder if the OP meant it quite that way. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/37 "2012-03-01T21:40:00Z")
> [@andros](#): > > \ > > Check that. More like militant CFer. You rang? 🙂 Eh, this doesn’t really seem like a militant CFer issue - militant CFers don’t have kids, so we don’t have to deal with these kinds of situations. I dunno; are dads supposed to take their kids on the dad’s birthday? I don’t know what the etiquette of this is. ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/38 "2012-03-01T21:49:17Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You rang? 🙂 > > Eh, this doesn’t really seem like a militant CFer issue - militant CFers don’t have kids, so we don’t have to deal with these kinds of situations. I dunno; are dads supposed to take their kids on the dad’s birthday? I don’t know what the etiquette of this is. Pardon, I meant to say “_asshole_ militant CFer.” **ZPG** is apparently the first part of that, possibly the second and third. 🙂 As for the “etiquette,” I don’t know either, since I’m sharing custody equally. It’s not a choice I’d make, but that’s because I love my son fiercely and would love nothing more than to have sole custody. The OP’s ex is in a wildly different situation. But I think it shows his priorities. He’d rather celebrate his birthday without his kiddo, even though he has limited time to spend with the child, and the visit was scheduled. That’s his choice. Yo, **purplelady666** , ya feel like sharing a little more info? How old is the kid? How long divorced? Why should we care? . ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/39 "2012-03-01T21:59:31Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Raising kids and raising spoiled brats are totally different things. Adults are entitled to have their own lives. They do not have to live every moment catering to a kid. Be fair, **ZPG Zealot** ; nothing in the OP tells us that the child in question is spoiled in any way, shape, or form. In fact _scrolls up to re-read_ the child’s feelings are never described. It’s \*\*only the kid’s mother who’s upset \*\*in those words up there. Who knows? Maybe the girl preferred to spend her b-day giggling with her friends than staring awkwardly across the table at Dear Old Dad. You have a way of assuming that all children are spoiled brats whenever a thread mentions the under-18 set at all. But, that’s neither here nor there, at least not as far as the “Is he a jerk?” question we’re all debating. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2012, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/40 "2012-03-01T22:03:41Z")
Yeah, we don’t know nearly enough here to know who the jerk is; maybe Dad’s usual way of spending his birthday is to start drinking when he gets up and finish the day off with hookers and blow. Maybe his daughter is still a baby and doesn’t know if he’s there or not; maybe his daughter is 17 and couldn’t physically care less about spending his birthday with him. By the way, it was Dad’s birthday, not his daughter’s. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445.md?page=3)