# Ex Husband is a jerk **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 1, 2012, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445 "2012-03-01T14:47:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/61 "2012-03-02T16:57:53Z")
Not considering it important to have one’s 15-month-old child share in one’s birthday celebrations != being a jerk. Blowing off scheduled visitations at the last minute does = being a jerk. So yeah, the OP nailed this one, although it took her a couple of pages to make that clear. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/62 "2012-03-02T17:05:46Z")
I am appalled at this man. Skipping out on his daughter on his birthday. I mean the child is 15 fucking months old and this incident is going to scare that little precious snowflake for life. Fuck, her therapy bills alone are probably going to keep her in the poor house so that she’ll have to turn to prostitution and drugs just to get by what with her therapy bills so high. ---
**Author:** ![Apex\_Rogers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@Apex\_Rogers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apex_Rogers)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/63 "2012-03-02T17:14:16Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > I am appalled at this man. Skipping out on his daughter on his birthday. I mean the child is 15 fucking months old and this incident is going to scare that little precious snowflake for life. Fuck, her therapy bills alone are probably going to keep her in the poor house so that she’ll have to turn to prostitution and drugs just to get by what with her therapy bills so high. Doesn’t sound like this will be the last such incident, and those later ones–when the child would actually be old enough to remember–could indeed be scarring. The dude is an asshole for cancelling the visitation last second (apparently multiple times), not just for wanting to be alone on his birthday. The OP’s ire is slightly misguided, but does not sound too far off the mark. ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Antibob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Great\_Antibob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Antibob)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/64 "2012-03-02T17:14:39Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Captive? Who captured you? Ok, so maybe a bit of exaggeration. I’ll grant that. Still, a weak rant, a common (if sad) situation, and I’m still not really seeing much more than a plea for sympathy and attention than any actual anger. So again, I’m sorry the guy is a jerk. But I’m sorrier still that the OP thought it merited a Pitting. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/65 "2012-03-02T17:18:14Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > If you are over the age of 12 or so, you ought to be mature enough to realize your birthday is not a national holiday. Agreed, now can you convince this to my sister-in-law?😃 ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/66 "2012-03-02T17:22:20Z")
> [@Great\_Antibob](#): > > So again, I’m sorry the guy is a jerk. But I’m sorrier still that the OP thought it merited a Pitting. You know, not everyone shares your opinions on what constitutes a valid pitting. You could have simply reported the thread and suggested a move to MPSIMS instead acting like dick about your precious pit. ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Antibob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Great\_Antibob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Antibob)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/67 "2012-03-02T17:31:13Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > You know, not everyone shares your opinions on what constitutes a valid pitting. You could have simply reported the thread and suggested a move to MPSIMS instead acting like dick about your precious pit. Fair enough. Didn’t think it really merited reporting, though, and I’m hardly the only one who thought the OP was lacking. I’ll note YOUR only posts in the thread are actually about me and not the OP, her jerk husband, or anything else relevant to the OP. At least I addressed the actual fucking topic, even if you didn’t agree with it. So, you could take your suggestion and turn it right back around on yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/68 "2012-03-02T17:45:03Z")
> [@purplelady666](#): > > BTW, This is not the first time my ex has cancelled visitation last minute. he pulls this shit every other week and I’m getting tired of him being a lazy excuse of a father. BTW, the child is 15 months old and he only spends 5 hours with her on Sunday. So that means he only sees her at maximum 20 hours a month. I understand it was his b-day but for god sake he could have told me earlier so I could make other plans. > > She was sick last week and i texted him- he didn’t give a damn about her-he just told me to get her pedialyte. he didn’t ask about how she was doing or try to visit her. He is selfish and irresponsible- that why i divorced him! 🙂 Thanks for the clarification. Last minute cancellations = total asshole move. Same with just plain not giving a shit about your kid. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/69 "2012-03-02T18:03:33Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > I am appalled at this man. Skipping out on his daughter on his birthday. I mean the child is 15 fucking months old and this incident is going to scare that little precious snowflake for life. Fuck, her therapy bills alone are probably going to keep her in the poor house so that she’ll have to turn to prostitution and drugs just to get by what with her therapy bills so high. I remember something a foster care worker once said. She said that the kids would describe the beatings and physical abuse they got from their parents with no particular emotion. It was just something that happened. What really hurt them were the times their parents didn’t show up for visits. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/70 "2012-03-02T18:19:47Z")
> [@Great\_Antibob](#): > > But I’m sorrier still that the OP thought it merited a Pitting. But if not for threads like this, how would we Dopers engage in some of our favorite pastimes, like victim-blaming and sanctimonious critique of other people’s parenting? ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/71 "2012-03-02T18:22:32Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > I am appalled at this man. Skipping out on his daughter on his birthday. I mean the child is 15 fucking months old and this incident is going to scare that little precious snowflake for life. Fuck, her therapy bills alone are probably going to keep her in the poor house so that she’ll have to turn to prostitution and drugs just to get by what with her therapy bills so high. Yeah, it was the ex’s birthday, and if it had only been this one time and he’d given plenty of notice and rearranged his visitation for another day, I don’t think anyone would have cared. I mean, it’s not like his birthday snuck up on him and he couldn’t give her any notice. The fact he regularly flakes on scheduled visitations is the problem. That is what makes him a jerk and a bad father. That is what, if it continues, is going to land her in therapy. ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/72 "2012-03-02T18:43:04Z")
I didn’t think it was required to be reasonable and present both sides in the pit. I probably over-empathize with the OP because my ex once did something very similar. On his birthday, he was scheduled to pick up the kids at a certain time. An hour AFTER the time had come and gone, he finally called from the bar to say he had other plans. Meanwhile our 4yo was sitting out on the steps waiting. It broke my heart for him. OP, if she’s young enough that you can do it, don’t even tell her when Dad is coming. She won’t be let down if she doesn’t have false expectations. And be glad every day that you are divorced…I count it as a blessing. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2012, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/73 "2012-03-02T20:03:54Z")
> [@Great\_Antibob](#): > > So again, I’m sorry the guy is a jerk. But I’m sorrier still that the OP thought it merited a Pitting. Oh my yes. The sin of forcing you to read a ‘meh’ message board thread is definitely more of a travesty than the real-life jerkery of an inconsiderate asshat parent. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/74 "2012-03-03T00:05:05Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > I remember something a foster care worker once said. She said that the kids would describe the beatings and physical abuse they got from their parents with no particular emotion. It was just something that happened. What really hurt them were the times their parents didn’t show up for visits. Awwww ☹ that’s really sad. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/75 "2012-03-03T00:41:14Z")
He spends 5 hours a week with his 15-month old? Jeezuz. I know people who spend more time reading on the toilet. If nothing else, **purplelady666** , teach your daughter what Mark Twain so eloquently stated: \*“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” \* Sounds like his measure as a father is about 10cc’s. And maybe he never wanted to be one in the first place; which may explain his lack of interest and involvement. I’m not sure why you’re especially pitting him for the birthday stunt. 5 hours a week sounds like the timeframe most people spend doing something they don’t like, but have no choice in. Surely, you can’t have been surprised that like a child, he’d use his birthday as reason to not have to do his chores? ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/76 "2012-03-03T08:03:33Z")
> [@purplelady666](#): > > My ex husband is a jerk. It was his birthday this past Sunday and he didn’t take our daughter for his weekly visitation because he was “busy all day” for his birthday. > What type of father doesn’t want to spend time with his daughter on their birthday? > > He cares more about his parents, sisters and friends then his own child- he constantly solidifies the reason i divorced him- he didn’t prioritize us when we were married so of-course after divorce he treats our daughter like this. > [@purplelady666](#): > > BTW, This is not the first time my ex has cancelled visitation last minute. he pulls this shit every other week and I’m getting tired of him being a lazy excuse of a father. BTW, the child is 15 months old and he only spends 5 hours with her on Sunday. So that means he only sees her at maximum 20 hours a month. I understand it was his b-day but for god sake he could have told me earlier so I could make other plans. > > She was sick last week and i texted him- he didn’t give a damn about her-he just told me to get her pedialyte. he didn’t ask about how she was doing or try to visit her. He is selfish and irresponsible- that why i divorced him! 🙂 Jesus Christ. Did you even ask this man if he wanted to be a father before you got pregnant? You knew he was a jerk so you thought a baby would fix him? News flash - he doesn’t want to be a father, so stop forcing him. I know very well the damage that is done having to be with a parent that didn’t want you. If he doesn’t want to see his daughter, quit forcing him. When she gets old enough you can tell her why or whatever you want. But just because you wanted this baby doesn’t mean the father wanted it then or wants anything to do with it now. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/77 "2012-03-03T12:20:52Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > Jesus Christ. Did you even ask this man if he wanted to be a father before you got pregnant? You knew he was a jerk so you thought a baby would fix him? Read this and thought, “Whoooo-ee! The OP admitted to this? This thread is about to get all kinds of het up!” Then read the quotes from the OP, and no, of course she said nothing of the sort. Curses, suckered by **curlcoat** again. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/78 "2012-03-03T15:08:29Z")
That ruse should really be punctuated by a clip of **curlcoat** singing “Never Gonna Give You Up” at karaoke. “Aw… curlroll’d AGAIN!” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/79 "2012-03-03T15:54:25Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Not considering it important to have one’s 15-month-old child share in one’s birthday celebrations != being a jerk. > > Blowing off scheduled visitations at the last minute does = being a jerk. > > So yeah, the OP nailed this one, although it took her a couple of pages to make that clear. Agreed. Whether he wanted the baby or not, he’s got one, and it’s time to man up. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2012, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445/80 "2012-03-03T17:38:32Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > News flash - he doesn’t want to be a father, so stop forcing him. If he doesn’t want to be a father he shouldn’t have agreed to a visitation schedule. A MAN lives up to his obligations. He signed a contract and a deal’s a deal. If he wants to alter it he should reopen the negotiations. Until then you fucking do what you said you’d do like a goddamned adult. Doesn’t a person’s word matter anymore? As to the issue of him not wanting to see his child, that makes him a filthy scumbag and lower than dirt. Obviously he’s an amoral turd. But there’s no rule against being a shithead. Nonetheless, he agreed to a deal, and a deal is a fucking deal. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ex-husband-is-a-jerk/614445.md?page=5)