# Examples of instructions designed for Morons! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 10, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362 "2009-06-10T17:55:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/21 "2009-06-10T20:12:54Z")
Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Wow- it took 21 posts for that? ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/22 "2009-06-10T20:52:47Z")
> [@InvisibleWombat](#): > > You were supposed to buy the official Pavlov™ brand bell if you were going to use it when you serve food. Holy gawd, that’s funny. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/23 "2009-06-10T20:52:48Z")
On a charcoal grill: “Watch children and pets while burning.” ---
**Author:** ![sunacres](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@sunacres](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunacres)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/24 "2009-06-10T20:55:21Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > Lather. Rinse. Repeat. > > Wow- it took 21 posts for that? This one is subtle. The Repeat is superfluous and was the inspiration of a marketing genius, doubling the consumption of shampoo. ---
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/25 "2009-06-10T20:57:14Z")
“Moron” is from the Greek word for “fool”. An “oxymoron” is literally “wise fool” and means two words that seem to contradict one another, like “military intelligence” or “gregarious Englishman” or “likeable Frenchman”. But “moron” is not a proper noun, and I should not have capitalized it. So here is another consumer warning: **“Warning: Do not assume you know what a word says until you have read all of its letters.”😛** ---
**Author:** ![Silence\_of\_the\_clams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Silence\_of\_the\_clams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silence_of_the_clams)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/26 "2009-06-10T20:58:23Z")
On the label of my bottle of Pepsi is a warning: DRINK THEN SWALLOW … kinda kinky! On the canoe that I borrow from a friend of mine sometimes, it’s made “over there”, there’s a warning sticker saying: “Water is dangerous, you can drown in it.” Hm, and here I thought I shouldn’t drink water because fish fuck in it. The snow cover for my car window has a sticker promptly warning: REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT. The instruction manual to a 9 mm pistol of a friend of mine promptly states: "Do not point the gun at any person, unless you intend to shoot the person!” Okay, that might be taking it a bit further than intended. And the tenth most popular instruction in my work manual: “The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at one time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived sixth in line to ride my arse today, please take a number and wait your turn.” ---
**Author:** ![PoorYorick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/27 "2009-06-10T21:10:22Z")
> [@PlainJain](#): > > Not sure it meets the OP criteria, but I once got a RX for Vicodin and the warning label cautioned “May cause feelings of euphoria”. Was that a warning or braggadocio? ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/28 "2009-06-10T21:22:28Z")
> [@freckafree](#): > > On a charcoal grill: “Watch children and pets while burning.” [I burning your dog](http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/I_burning_your_dog). WATCH! For those who don’t know the joke: [the original thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=203185). ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/29 "2009-06-10T21:23:24Z")
> [@Shamozzle](#): > > I remember thinking that if the consumer had the wherewithal to pilot a motor vehicle to the store then they probably didn’t require instuctions on how to run a broom. No one bikes, buses, or walks to stores where you’re from? > [@Kotick](#): > > On the label of my bottle of Pepsi is a warning: DRINK THEN SWALLOW … kinda kinky! Sometimes, just to stick it to The Man, I swallow \*\*then \*\*drink. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/30 "2009-06-10T21:32:08Z")
There’s a lot of rather large toys that have choking hazard stickers. A friend recently posted about finding a warning sticker on a Frisbee: “Not for Children under 3, choking hazard”. How do you get a Frisbee in your mouth? My favorite is still the sticker I once found on a bottle of supplements at Whole Foods, “Give prudent consideration to the size of this product before swallowing.” ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/31 "2009-06-10T21:37:44Z")
> [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](#): > > How do you get a Frisbee in your mouth? Very carefully. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/32 "2009-06-10T23:03:06Z")
I used to have a ladder with “DO NOT STAND ON THIS STEP” printed on the top rung. I _think_ I understand the reasoning that led to that particular wording. I mean, the traditional “THIS IS NOT A STEP” isn’t very explicit, is it? The floor isn’t a step, but it’s okay to stand on it, innit? Simultaneously defining the part as a step and warning against stepping on it seems a little bit confused, though. It says “STEP” right on it - what else am I gonna do with it? ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/33 "2009-06-10T23:07:34Z")
This winter, there was a wonderful warning featured in Comsumer Report’s “Selling It” column. The item in question was a Seasme Street Christmas tree ornament; the warning presumably was intended to say “This is not a child’s toy”. Instead, the little label on the bottom said, “Warning: This is not a child.” ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2009, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/34 "2009-06-10T23:58:44Z")
I don’t remember what the instruction said, but I’ve seen instructions on toothpicks and stick incense. Thanks for the link, **ITR champion**. That was a hoot. It’s good to know about the prize money, too. Maybe **Valteron** can pick up some cash for the boiling colonic irrigation. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/35 "2009-06-11T00:19:22Z")
> [@Yllaria](#): > > I don’t remember what the instruction said, but I’ve seen instructions on toothpicks and stick incense. So did Wonko the Sane, and look where it got him. ---
**Author:** ![Randy\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee7513/32.png) [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/36 "2009-06-11T00:34:18Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > “Moron” is from the Greek word for “fool”. An “oxymoron” is literally “wise fool” and means two words that seem to contradict one another, like “military intelligence” or “gregarious Englishman” or “likeable Frenchman”. Hijack: No. “Sophomore” means “wise fool,” or something close to it. “Oxymoron” means “sharply foolish.” And the examples you gave are not oxymorons, but contradictions in terms. Traditionally, an oxymoron is a literary device where two normally contradictory terms are combined for effect, like “cruel kindness” or “deafening silence.” I’m sorry, this is one little pedantic prescriptivist thing that really gets on my nerves. If we allow the term “oxymoron” to lose its original meaning, there is no good term to replace it, and our language loses that much precision and efficiency. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/37 "2009-06-11T00:36:15Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This has led to the starvation in the shower of more than one computer programmer. ---
**Author:** ![Daylate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9dc877/32.png) [@Daylate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daylate)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/38 "2009-06-11T00:47:29Z")
> [@](#): > > This has led to the starvation in the shower of more than one computer programmer. MILLER WINS! Handsdown!! I bow before him!!! ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/39 "2009-06-11T00:48:10Z")
I know the OP specifically asked for real-life examples, but the thread title just begs for these links to be shared: [The Complete and Utter Idiot’s Guide to Cooking a TV Dinner](http://www.brunching.com/tvdinner.html) [The Complete and Utter Idiot’s Guide to Making a Baloney sandwich](http://www.brunching.com/idiotsandwich.html) [The Complete and Utter Idiot’s Guide to Ordering Pizza](http://www.brunching.com/idiotpizza.html) ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/40 "2009-06-11T02:59:27Z")
By the hand holds on a cardboard box. “For the observation of contents only.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362.md?page=3)