# Examples of instructions designed for Morons! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 10, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362 "2009-06-10T17:55:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![horsetech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/dec6dc/32.png) [@horsetech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/horsetech)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/41 "2009-06-11T05:05:18Z")
> [@Kotick](#): > > On the canoe that I borrow from a friend of mine sometimes, it’s made “over there”, there’s a warning sticker saying: “Water is dangerous, you can drown in it.” Hm, and here I thought I shouldn’t drink water because fish fuck in it. What?! I had just come to terms with fish piss in the water, and now you remind me about the fish semen. I may never drink water again! ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/42 "2009-06-11T05:25:14Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > “May cause drowsiness” I fuckin’ well hope so!🙂 In their defense, do they mean that sleeping pills may cause drowsiness even after you’ve taken them and gone to sleep? Like the next day? ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/43 "2009-06-11T06:54:04Z")
[Do not eat iPod shuffle](http://farm1.static.flickr.com/3/3248248_84db486b79.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/44 "2009-06-11T08:30:39Z")
> [@Shamozzle](#): > > I worked in a grocery store as a kid and I remember stocking new brooms. > > There were instructions with pictograms on the cardboard that protected the bristles and they read something like: Hold thusly, extend bristle head out and towards floor, draw head towards body, lift and repeat. > > I remember thinking that if the consumer had the wherewithal to pilot a motor vehicle to the store then they probably didn’t require instuctions on how to run a broom. If, by “consumer,” you mean several of my older female relatives, the vehicle piloted to the store might have been a broom! :o Sadly, one of my aunts (a brilliantly smart lady, with no common sense,) has hurt herself badly in the past by ignoring the iron warning. She was already dressed, and her shirt collar was poking up a bit. Cue second-degree burns on the clavicle! > [@](#): > > The instruction manual to a 9 mm pistol of a friend of mine promptly states: "Do not point the gun at any person, unless you intend to shoot the person!” Okay, that might be taking it a bit further than intended. Well, the instructions are halfway complete. When I was learning to handle firearms, the other half of the disclaimer/warning/instructions were “Don’t shoot at the person unless you intend to kill.” Your mileage may vary, but I was instructed of that by more than one person during my formative years. My favorite recent example: Those newish square gallon jugs of milk have instructions printed on the top. “Tilt and pour.” Instructions would be even more awesome if they were printed on the side or bottom of the jug. (Cue joke about pouring piss out of a boot with instructions printed on heel.) ---
**Author:** ![Shamozzle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shamozzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shamozzle)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/45 "2009-06-11T09:13:39Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > No one bikes, buses, or walks to stores where you’re from? Well, maybe _those_ people will need the instructions. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/46 "2009-06-11T12:06:44Z")
> [@Randy\_Seltzer](#): > > “Oxymoron” means “sharply foolish.” I believe it means “sharp-dull” - the word moron thus implying a dull person. > [@](#): > > And the examples you gave are not oxymorons, but contradictions in terms. Traditionally, an oxymoron is a literary device where two normally contradictory terms are combined for effect, like “cruel kindness” or “deafening silence.” Or the classic example from Shakespeare (who was fond of a well-turned oxymoron): “sweet sorrow.” > [@](#): > > I’m sorry, this is one little pedantic prescriptivist thing that really gets on my nerves. If we allow the term “oxymoron” to lose its original meaning, there is no good term to replace it, and our language loses that much precision and efficiency. Hear, hear. The sickening debasement of this previously elegant term is deplorable. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/47 "2009-06-11T12:12:30Z")
Seen at the top of a ski lift (used by mountain bikers during summer) in Telluride, Colorado: [Quote=some overpaid law firm] Warning! Mountain biking can be hazardous! Hazards include uneven terrain and rocks of various sizes. [/quote] ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/48 "2009-06-11T12:18:36Z")
Seen years ago on the wrapper of a KitKat bar: “Place thumb here. Pull edge of wrapper back here.” Who needs instructions to open a candy bar? Most people have figured it out by the age of two, and most kids under two will just gnaw through the wrapper anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Mogle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mogle/32/12021_2.png) [@Mogle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mogle)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/49 "2009-06-11T12:36:51Z")
> [@Captain\_Awesome](#): > > On a Swedish chain saw, “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”. Does anyone have an actual cite for this one? While I can believe the hands part, the genitals sounds like an embellishment. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/50 "2009-06-11T13:08:18Z")
I don’t know if this counts or not, but I recently bought my 14 month old a pair of shoes from a children’s clothing store (not a toy store or a store selling doll clothing) that are sized to fit children under 18 months of age. Upon getting them home I discovered a warning label on them that said “Choking hazard: Small parts. Not intended for children under 36 months of age.”. ---
**Author:** ![Student\_Driver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Student\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Student_Driver)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/51 "2009-06-11T13:31:41Z")
> [@Sound Mind](#): > > On a tube of anti-itch cream > > “Do not insert this product into the rectum with fingers\*\* or a mechanical device\*\*” > > I gues if they just gave the warning about fingers, someone would be" Ok, I’m not allowed to stick this up my butt with my finger, let me go out the shop and invent something?" Hate to be the guy who ruins the joke, but this is understandable to me. Tubes of hemmorhoid cream (which typically just contain topical starch) come with mechanical plunger devices. Attach to the tube, fill… then insert rectally and depress plunger. Anti-itch creams (which can contain steroids or antihistamines, both of which can be absorbed into the bloodstream if used rectally) have that warning so that hemmorhoid sufferers won’t reuse their plungers on the cheaper, but inappropriate, non-rectal creams. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/52 "2009-06-11T14:07:46Z")
> [@Randy\_Seltzer](#): > > “Sophomore” means “wise fool,” or something close to it. For someone so allegedly concerned with the “purity” of language, you sure did [get that one completely wrong](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1982/whats-the-origin-of-sophomore). ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Awesome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a698b9/32.png) [@Captain\_Awesome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Awesome)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/53 "2009-06-11T18:12:54Z")
> [@Mogle](#): > > Does anyone have an actual cite for this one? While I can believe the hands part, the genitals sounds like an embellishment. **Shot From Guns** has heard that it’s made up, and following up on my original search, I agree. I couldn’t find an original source, just quotes of it, and despite some of the more ridiculous instructions here, I think this stretches credulity a bit too far. Someone was yanking my chain saw. The other four are verified from [http://www.wackywarnings.com/](http://www.wackywarnings.com/) and from a [blog](http://lawnchairnaturalist.wordpress.com/2007/12/16/things-that-make-you-gowell-duh/). ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/54 "2009-06-11T19:26:10Z")
It’s from a[list](http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/warnings.asp) that’s been circulating around the Internet for years. Probably not true, but funny nonetheless. ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/55 "2009-06-11T19:38:34Z")
The ones in car commercials always crack me up. Most recently, the one where guys in space suits are hot rodding around in their moon buggy, collecting rocks, only to discover that their tires were stolen. If you watch the screen while they’re jumping a canyon, you get this on the bottom: “Professional driver. Do not attempt.” Gee, thanks for that. I’ll try and remember that the next time I’m driving on **the MOON**. ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/56 "2009-06-11T20:03:58Z")
On a cog brush (a tool used to clean the cluster of cogs on the rear wheel of a bicycle): “Not for oral use.” Really? Who would make that mistake? The thing is about a foot long, to start with. ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/57 "2009-06-11T20:36:21Z")
> [@sunacres](#): > > This one is subtle. The Repeat is superfluous and was the inspiration of a marketing genius, doubling the consumption of shampoo. Maybe for you. I wash twice because once isn’t enough. ---
**Author:** ![Rack-a-Bones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rack-a-Bones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rack-a-Bones)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2009, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/58 "2009-06-11T22:31:22Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > [Do not eat iPod shuffle](http://farm1.static.flickr.com/3/3248248_84db486b79.jpg) Aren’t the propeller heads at Apple known fog sticking wacky things like that in random places? > [@Morbo](#): > > The ones in car commercials always crack me up. Most recently, the one where guys in space suits are hot rodding around in their moon buggy, collecting rocks, only to discover that their tires were stolen. If you watch the screen while they’re jumping a canyon, you get this on the bottom: > > “Professional driver. Do not attempt.” > > Gee, thanks for that. I’ll try and remember that the next time I’m driving on **the MOON**. There was also one that had a car “driving” underwater and the caption at the bottom said “Do not drive in the ocean.” ---
**Author:** ![Shamozzle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shamozzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shamozzle)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/59 "2009-06-12T06:12:29Z")
> [@Morbo](#): > > The ones in car commercials always crack me up. Most recently, the one where guys in space suits are hot rodding around in their moon buggy, collecting rocks, only to discover that their tires were stolen. If you watch the screen while they’re jumping a canyon, you get this on the bottom: > > “Professional driver. Do not attempt.” > > Gee, thanks for that. I’ll try and remember that the next time I’m driving on **the MOON**. Exactly. I was thinking the same thing about car commercials. And there’s the commercial with 50 snowboarders hanging off the landing gear of a helicopter while hovering over some mountain top. The caption reads: “Do Not Attempt” Oh, really? So, the next time I’m joyriding in my A-Star 350 with my 50 closest friends I better think twice about letting them all hang off the bottom? Huh. Ok, good to know. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2009, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362/60 "2009-06-12T06:29:44Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > I have a brass bell that’s suited to afixing to a boat. Inside the bell is a sticker that says “Do not use to serve food.” Well then what the hell is it good for? > > I love the instructions on moist towelettes. > > 1. Open package > 2. Unfold > 3. Use The one I remember said: **Cut or tear open package and use.** There are lots of unnecessary instructions, but what struck me about this one is how utterly unhelpful it is. I mean, the instructions are supposed to tell you how to use a thing. So putting “use” in the instructions is kicking the can down the road, so to speak. The fact that the satire was unintended does not take away from its brilliance. > [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](#): > > My favorite is still the sticker I once found on a bottle of supplements at Whole Foods, “Give prudent consideration to the size of this product before swallowing.” Does the same company, by any chance, make suppositories? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/examples-of-instructions-designed-for-morons/499362.md?page=4)