Oh, and just to add insult to your injuries- most of the crap dudes buy today that is label “furniture” is made out of particleboard. Which falls apart after a while, and can’t be fixed. AND there are strong concerns about the chemicals in it, and how much “indoor air polution” they cause. Have fun! 
Glad you found it funny, you wouldn’t believe how long it took to put it together, I couldn’t stop laughing and I had to edit it down a little. I also kept thinking ‘I hope you’ve got a sense of humour’. Well at least, from a rough situation, you both got a good laugh.
My wife, after she stopped laughing, told me to stop flirting. Then added “if she wants you she’s welcome to you.” Although I’m sure she didn’t mean it.
So how’s next Friday for you, I’m free… 
Sitting next to my computer desk, in the corner, is our encyclopedia bookcase. Bought in 1973. Assembly required. Okay, it tilts. It needs to be next to the computer desk, and in the corner, or it will tip over one way or the other. But it’s 32 years old. And still holds a complete Britannica stably, with room for tons more large books.
Cost? $19.95
Occasionally, we luck out…
I bought an entertainment center in 1986 that I assembed myself. Required not only screws, but pegs, glue, etc. The damn thing weighed a ton – no cheap particleboard – and was as solid as a rock. When I finally got tired of moving it around the country and gave it away a few years ago, it was still going strong. I think it cost me under $50, too.
My current desk is a build-it-yourself, not from IKEA because we don’t have one of them within five states of here, but from Loew’s, except it was anything but cheap (about $250, but equivalent to preassembled ones costing easily three times that much). But again, real wood, and should last me forever.
I hear you with the locking screws that won’t, though. Or the holes drilled too big. Or the instructions that are upside down, mismatched, and in Chinese. And I love my electric screwdriver just as much as you do, I think! Best tool ever invented.