Experience with online dating? (and any other advice)

[Rico]

<mod>

Note to The wind of my soul:

We already had a thread in here about online dating. I have merged your thread with the other one - and bumped it to the top. Let’s see if we can get you some answers here.

Regards.

Rico
IMHO Moderator

</mod>

[The_wind_of_my_soul]

Oops thank you!

[Tripler]

While my success rested on this here SDMB, I do know of a few people who used Science Connection to mixed results (to date). It’s for nerds (like us Dopers).

Tripler

• Nerd.

[ITR_champion]

I’ve actually just signed up with OKCupid as well, and I’m looking for some advice from heterosexual women. The site allows me to post multiple photos. Would I be better off with photos of myself in a suit and tie, in casual clothes, or somewhere in between? Also, should I only post photos of myself or also self-with-friends, self-in-front-of-house, self-in-front-of-car, and so forth?

[twickster]

@ITR_champion

I’ve actually just signed up with OKCupid as well, and I’m looking for some advice from heterosexual women. The site allows me to post multiple photos. Would I be better off with photos of myself in a suit and tie, in casual clothes, or somewhere in between? Also, should I only post photos of myself or also self-with-friends, self-in-front-of-house, self-in-front-of-car, and so forth?

Since you have multiple pix, go ahead and do both a casual and a suit-and-tie. Make sure you have at least one, preferably more, where you are wearing neither a baseball cap nor sunglasses. Do not use any pix where you’re wearing both.

No pix of you with car, house, boat, motorcycle, or any other vehicle or expensive possession.

No pix of you looking stern and unfriendly.

(If you’d like me to take a look at your profile, PM me your username there. You show me yours and I’ll show you mine. )

[jsc1953]

@Brynda

I met my late husband here on the dope with that exact line. Don’t overlook Twickster, either. You can even check her out in the SMDB pics.

Hmmm. She appears to be Geographically Undesirable, unfortunately.

[twickster]

@jsc1953

Hmmm. She appears to be Geographically Undesirable, unfortunately.

I’ve been rejected for far more frivolous reasons.

[Antigen]

@jsc1953

Hmmm. She appears to be Geographically Undesirable, unfortunately.

Hey, don’t knock it - I clicked “global matches” because I was sick of the local dorks the site kept telling me were perfect for me. A cute American guy popped up on top of the list and he was online so I said hi. And the rest is history. Except for our future, that is.

I don’t recommend long-distance relationships. They’re hard and stressful. But if nobody local floats your boat, maybe take a chance?

[breaking-reality]

@ITR_champion

I’ve actually just signed up with OKCupid as well, and I’m looking for some advice from heterosexual women. The site allows me to post multiple photos. Would I be better off with photos of myself in a suit and tie, in casual clothes, or somewhere in between? Also, should I only post photos of myself or also self-with-friends, self-in-front-of-house, self-in-front-of-car, and so forth?

A picture with friends is a good thing, but I would not recommend posting a photo of you with another woman. Also, if you post a photo of you in a suit, also post something casual. That way you come across as versatile and comfortable in formal and casual situations. Having a semi-close-up photo would be good, too.

As a side note, I wouldn’t post more than 3-4 photos total.

[Zeriel]

@Lamia

I also found it very frustrating that, although OKCupid allows one to limit search results to “single” people, this actually includes people who are listed as being in a relationship but who are looking to date/sleep with other people. So a search for “singles” will still turn up married couples looking for a partner for a threesome, couples in open relationships, and people outright looking to cheat on their partners. There’s certainly room in the online dating world for all of these folks and more, but if I specify that I am interested in a relationship with another single person then I do not want couples looking for a third to keep showing up in my search results.

Speaking as a polyamorous guy, I actually have exactly the same problem from the opposite angle–I’d LOVE to be able to filter out both “looking for a committed monogamous relationship, no poly please” and “looking for casual sex or cheating”, but right now I can really only do the latter.

[Belrix]

I had ads on OKCupid & PlentyOfFish. OKCupid was a bit better IMO since you can answer questions about what you’re looking for in a mate it it attempts to statistically compare you with other people.

I married my wife, however, after she found a loooong personal ad I placed on Craigslist.

(Really, it was way to long, as was the big thing I had on OKCupid, but I figured I’d put it all out on the table and, if they wanted to reject me early, they could do it. In my opinion, I was worth the long reading effort.)’

For demographics, I was 42 or so at the time and was dating pretty regularly from the OKCupid ad and probably less often from the PlentyOfFish ad. Craigslist was a successful anomaly. Yeah, there was my share of first-and-never-again dates but email & such will only take you so far and face-to-face is where you really start to know somebody.

[Green_Bean]

@Zeriel

Speaking as a polyamorous guy, I actually have exactly the same problem from the opposite angle–I’d LOVE to be able to filter out both “looking for a committed monogamous relationship, no poly please” and “looking for casual sex or cheating”, but right now I can really only do the latter.

I had the poly problem in a different way when I was on OKCupid. I answered a boatload of questions to get better matches. I have no issues with polyamory, and I’m sure my answers reflected that. It’s not for me, but it’s not like I totally reject the idea of ever doing it. I don’t say “never” a lot in general. Also, my views on monogamy in general are somewhat non-traditional, and again, my answers reflected that.

The result was that they were CONSTANTLY sending my poly matches! Nearly half of the guys they sent me were married/committed and looking for a girlfriend. (I started keeping track) I think that I was probably one of the few women that was “okay with it,” so the matching program sent them all to me because there weren’t that many other options.

From what I’ve seen, sites don’t have enough relevant questions and they don’t allow enough detail in the answers.

[Zeriel]

@Green_Bean

I had the poly problem in a different way when I was on OKCupid. I answered a boatload of questions to get better matches. I have no issues with polyamory, and I’m sure my answers reflected that. It’s not for me, but it’s not like I totally reject the idea of ever doing it. I don’t say “never” a lot in general. Also, my views on monogamy in general are somewhat non-traditional, and again, my answers reflected that.

The result was that they were CONSTANTLY sending my poly matches! .

Part of that problem is that OKC is possibly the only non-sex-centric dating site that even attempts to cater to the poly lifestyle that I’m aware of. Therefore, a disproportionate number of poly folks end up there.

[Misnomer]

@ITR champion

Would I be better off with photos of myself in a suit and tie, in casual clothes, or somewhere in between?

I like to see guys wearing what they prefer to wear. Don’t give me pictures of suits if you live in jeans – that sort of thing. It seems like some guys feel they have to throw at least one “dress up” picture in there, especially if they’ve ever worn a tux, but I say don’t do it if the photo is more than 5 years old. More importantly than what you’re wearing, though, is that we be able to see your face: like twickster said, no hats/sunglasses, but also no pictures where your face is so small that we couldn’t pick it out of a lineup.

Also, should I only post photos of myself or also self-with-friends, self-in-front-of-house, self-in-front-of-car, and so forth?

Also like twickster said, I’d avoid pictures of your house/car. I think pics with motorcycles are ok if one is a part of your lifestyle, but not if you just have one recreationally and mostly drive a car. There will be plenty of time to learn about each other’s toys: the purpose of the pictures is to be that initial “could there be any chemistry” filter.

I think pics with friends are ok, and I agree with breaking-reality that there should be no pictures that make you look like half of a couple – unless the woman is a relative and you say so in the caption. But I think it’s fine to have a picture of you with a co-ed group, or with 2 or more women.

[banjoDavid]

After I divorced in 1989, I answered “Female seeking Male” ads in the Chicago Reader. Long before I was online. Main difference was, no pictures. I met a LOT of girls once. I told the story of one night in a date from hell thread.
Tou have to be patient, and honest. Honest about who you are, and what you are looking for. One lady and I dated for 6 months, another for 8 months.
I met my current lady over 5 1/2 years ago. We are staying together. We’re a good thing.

By the way, my main criteria was, “I want to meet a girl who’s not TOO crazy”
Someone who’s interesting enough to keep seeing, and who will put up with me.
Took a long time, but I found her!

If you’re serious, just keep looking. Take the time it takes.
Peace

[pope_hentai]

as on of the many wonderful people that was labeled “unfit for eharmony” i have had crap luck on all online dating fronts, getting 1 date from okcupid in 3 years and no replies to anything on plentyoffish aside from one woman who only took the time to reply to tell me i was some kind of hairy beast because of my goatee and she had higher standards. screw internet dating.