# Experiences with borderline personality people **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 20, 2010, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882 "2010-06-20T16:56:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2010, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/41 "2010-06-29T23:20:31Z")
No, it seems she was, but like many others, burned out on it in middle age. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2010, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/42 "2010-06-29T23:25:03Z")
> [@niblet\_head](#): > > A question: an acquaintance says she’s Borderline. Our mutual friends who’ve know her for many years will tell you of the bad old days when she would show up at their houses covered in blood, cuts all over her body. As I understand it, that behavior stopped once her friends starting putting their feet down. But now, today, at the age of 40 (I’ve known her only a few years) she seems to me to mostly be a compulsive liar who exaggerates every little thing into a drama so that she’s always the focus of attention. > > Is it possible that claiming to be Borderline and engaging in Borderline-like behavior was itself an exaggeration? She doesn’t seem to do anything anymore like she was notorious for in the past. Is it possible her claim to BPD was just another in a series of lies garnered to get attention? > > (I don’t doubt she has real issues. I just doubt she’s really BPD. Her friends stop responding and all the sudden she gets better?) BDP Lite? Wouldn’t you have to have a little bit of something wrong with you to _want_ to act like someone with BDP? Actually, now that I’ve said that, maybe it’s plain ol’ narcissism - we are having an epidemic of that these days. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/43 "2010-06-30T02:46:23Z")
Yeah, I know she has, at her core, real valid issues. I don’t fault her for that, and I believe those issues are real. It just seems to me that hears of something and automatically she has that thing and in a much more extreme version. The way she talks about things and the fact that everything is the worst possible outcome just strains credibility. She strikes me as histrionic, not BPD. I was just wondering if that is even plausible. Is it possible to glom on to psuedo-BPD for attention? (I feel bad asking this question, BTW. I do know that BPD is real.) ---
**Author:** ![willthekittensurvive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@willthekittensurvive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/willthekittensurvive)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2010, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/44 "2010-06-30T12:00:08Z")
I seem to have a weak spot for women with Borderline, I spent most of my twenties in the relationship from hell, she damaged part of my soul and it made it really hard for me to trust future partners, (One of the highlights from that period was getting beat up by a group of strangers who she had convinced that I was trying to rape her…) After a ten year break in dating, I met a girl with who I really had chemistry with, I knew she had borderline and some fear issues, but seemed to have it under control…she took her medication and was in therapy, this time the relationship wasn’t as destructive as the last one but I couldn’t make it work…… Last month I met the daughter of a friend of mine, who was always a trouble child; I had an immediate connection with her, their was a little bit of flirting…….later I found out she was getting help for BPD Not sure what it is though, maybe it’s a moth to flame thing… But there is a certain spark in girls with BDM I find highly attractive ---
**Author:** ![raindrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@raindrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindrop)\ **Post date:** [July 2, 2010, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/45 "2010-07-02T05:36:14Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > On reading this thread [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=567659&page=1](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=567659&page=1) I noted many posters said - run far and fast. > > If you’ve been in a relationship with such a person what has been the outcome? What was the turning point for you? It seems one can endure quite a lot before deciding to move on. How did your friends best support you? Do you look back on those days and see yourself as a different person? Do you find you repeat a pattern of being attracted to this type? In my situation it was a relationship with my sister. Otherwise I haven’t been attracted to that type of person for a friend. Fortunately I usually chose better friends for myself. But because it was my “sister” I made extra allowances, bending over backwards to make her happy, and then got stuck long-term in a very unhealthy relationship. > [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > Interesting. Yesterday he found a table I need, I was supposed to call him to arrange to pick it up when I’d done work. Just as I was thinking of calling he calls. Apologies, his phone went flat and he’s borrowing someones battery to make the call. Sorry. Did I call him? Sorry. He’s really sorry. Me :dubious: Dude, you’re the one trying to do me a favour - what’s with all the apologies? If I had made the call and not got through I would have just tried again a bit later, and \*\*thought nothing of it. \*\* > > In fact now I realize this is quite a common reaction for him. There’s a million reasons for not answering the phone, for not returning a call. Thing is, I hadn’t called him. You don’t need to justify yourself, but obviously he’s getting used to having to do so - it’s becoming a second nature. I did that too. I had started apologizing even when I’d done nothing wrong. Some of my friends kept trying to pull me back to sanity, and that helped, but not nearly enough. What finally clicked for me was when _her_ friends told me that _she_ was the problem, not me. It seems I expected my friends to automatically perceive me as innocent because they were biased in favor of me, because they were _my_ friends. Therefore I couldn’t trust them to tell me the truth about my awfulness, and I was dismissive of their claims that I was really innocent. But when her friends took my side, friends who were supposed to be biased in favor of _her_, something finally clicked. This big change happened when I confessed to her friends that I was a horrible villain, that I had mistreated my sister, and they said, “OMG you’re not the problem. _She’s_ the one who mistreats you. And wow, you’re nothing at all like her. Why are you comparing yourself to her, and thinking you’re doing something wrong when she’s really the one who’s horrible to you?” And the first one who said it couldn’t get through to me either. In fact I actually argued with the first one, and told her the nice version of me was just a façade. It took hearing the same reactions/questions from a few of her friends, before it finally clicked. I like to read so it also helped me to read a ton of books about emotional abuse. One very important one was _Controlling People_ by Patricia Evans. It helped me understand the tactics emotional abusers use, how they put out the bait, trigger the feelings of overwhelming guilt/remorse, and twist reality backwards. I also found it helpful to read _Why Does He Do That?_ by Lundy Bancroft. It’s about men who batter women, but I just changed the “he” pronouns to “she” and recognized my sister on almost every page, even though she has never hit me. But even with all of that, it still took a very long time to completely pull out of the delusion. I think “emotional addiction” is the right description of it. I continued to feel bogus guilt and remorse for years. I just learned not to respond to it. But for a while it felt like I was “pretending” to be innocent while I was really guilty. Gradually things started shifting the other way and it was like being deprogrammed from brainwashing. Along the way I also learned why I was vulnerable to taking the blame when I was really innocent, how I could get hooked into feeling guilt/remorse, that by trying to be a doormat I was just trying to get rid of the overwhelming feelings of guilt/remorse. I think it might be important for your friend to learn what it is about him that feels an attraction towards someone like her, to understand his own vulnerabilities, and to take an honest look at those guilt/remorse tendencies within himself. If he’s apologizing and expecting abuse where there isn’t any, I’d definitely recommend a good therapist who understands emotional abuse. It’s just very difficult to see it when you’re the one stuck in that type of delusion. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2010, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/46 "2010-07-03T13:58:03Z")
Well, he’s crashed his car. In fact it’s the second one in a month. He and his girlfriend were driving along - arguing when all of a sudden someone makes a right turn (we drive on the left) and he broadsides them. They say it’s not his fault and the girlfriend writes an impressive letter describing the accident as such. Something makes me think they were wrestling and fighting when the accident occurred. It doesn’t make sense. Anyway, not having a car, he has to sleep at her place due to it being close to where he works (he doesn’t - there are buses). He gets his other car on the road, but it’s not licensed or taxed yet, so when he smashes THAT into another vehicle (don’t have full details) the police lock him up for three days. He gives his phone to a friend to call the owner of the other vehicle to sort out the damage. Friend gives the phone to the girlfriend who arranges that he should BUY the damaged vehicle, by … borrowing money off her. She also texts a few of his friends from his phone telling them he’s in the nick and they should send him money because she’s had enough of it. So now he’s got two wrecks of his own to fix, plus the one he’s buying, plus a bunch of bewildered friends who thought they were texting him, plus now in debt to girlfriend. So whose car is he now driving? Yep, the girlfriends (of course they’ve split up again, but now he doesn’t have a car and she lives close to his workplace … rinse and repeat). I told him maybe he should stop driving for a while, it’s expensive and dangerous for him. Why does he keep having accidents? His mind is wandering? He is responsible for having the accidents I’m pretty sure, but he wasn’t having them before. I have a friend looking to buy a car and I have one lined up for her, but now part of me would like to encourage her to buy one of his, it would help him out. Or am I just part of a circle of people holding him up from realizing what’s happening to him? I’ll see him over the weekend and I’m going to broach the subject of him seeing a therapist - now where is her bloody number? ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/47 "2010-07-03T19:20:25Z")
Being accident prone can be a sign of being depressed. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2010, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/48 "2010-07-03T19:59:42Z")
> [@niblet\_head](#): > > (I don’t doubt she has real issues. I just doubt she’s really BPD. Her friends stop responding and all the sudden she gets better?) Nah - that’s pretty classic BPD actually. People forced to be around those with BPD are encouraged to have very strong boundaries with the person (i.e. ignoring acting out, etc). A person with BPD craves attention and drama - if friends and relatives stop providing it, the person with BPD will modify their behaviour until they get it even if that means acting less nuts. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2010, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/49 "2010-07-03T20:15:49Z")
That’s interesting. And I guess it makes sense that she would down-shift into merely over-dramatic catastrophizing of everyday events. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/50 "2010-07-03T20:34:57Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > A person with BPD craves attention and drama - if friends and relatives stop providing it, the person with BPD will modify their behaviour until they get it even if that means acting less nuts. or, having forced everyone else out of their lives, they turn on the last person available and commit suicide. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2010, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/51 "2010-07-03T20:48:05Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > or, having forced everyone else out of their lives, they turn on the last person available and commit suicide. Yah - that too. It must be a really crap-tastic way to live. They become so used to rejection that they begin to modify their behaviour to be rejected by new people as soon as possible. If you’re at a distance it’s quite easy to feel sorry for someone with BPD; however, as soon as you’re up close and being subjected to their horrible behaviour self preservation takes over and you reject as well. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2010, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/52 "2010-07-04T01:21:39Z")
> [@raindrop](#): > > … snip … > I did that too. I had started apologizing even when I’d done nothing wrong. Some of my friends kept trying to pull me back to sanity, and that helped, but not nearly enough. What finally clicked for me was when _her_ friends told me that _she_ was the problem, not me. It seems I expected my friends to automatically perceive me as innocent because they were biased in favor of me, because they were _my_ friends. Therefore I couldn’t trust them to tell me the truth about my awfulness, and I was dismissive of their claims that I was really innocent. But when her friends took my side, friends who were supposed to be biased in favor of _her_, something finally clicked. … snipped … Thanks raindrop that’s really helpful. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2010, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/53 "2010-07-04T01:25:36Z")
> [@niblet\_head](#): > > Being accident prone can be a sign of being depressed. Hmmm, oh dear, he doesn’t seem depressed though. I think he’s literally driven to distraction. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2010, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/54 "2010-07-04T05:18:04Z")
He needs to hit bottom. Don’t save him. But do make it possible for him to get to the therapists office. Drive him yourself if at all possible, that way he’ll be too embarrassed to back out. If she starts saying she’ll drive him, be warned, she does not want him to get better and will sabotage this any way she has to. He’s crying out for help, not knowing he needs to look in the mirror for it. He may even be subconsciously looking fo rthat permanent solution. Be gently relentless about getting him to a therapist. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2010, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/55 "2010-07-04T06:55:22Z")
I saw [this](http://officeofstrategicinfluence.com/rachael/) via stumbleupon and I started getting PTSD from my marriage again. A lot of it sounds very familiar. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2010, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/56 "2010-07-04T14:37:15Z")
Yeah, that’s the stuff right there. “Why did you lock the door? You don’t trust me!” How did you know the door was locked? Been there, experienced that. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/57 "2010-07-04T21:43:11Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > [Turning point](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=331897). > > [Last straw](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=464762). And the postscript: On June 30th, I made the final payment on two year’s worth of alimony to her. Alimony that I _voluntarily suggested_ I pay when I left her. Not that she was destitute, mind you - she was living at her mother’s house, rent free, with no inclination to move out on her own. She had other income from disability payments. And I was giving her a pretty substantial amount - enough to cover tuition at a local community college and finally allow her to do something useful with herself rather than just hitching her wagon to whatever poor sucker with prospects happened to stumble by. So I made the payments. Even though, with time and distance from the relationship, I began to kick myself for suggesting them in the first place. It helped that, just about a year ago, I requested that she stop contacting me. Surprisingly enough, she honored the request. Until this past Friday, just after that final payment was posted to her account. I got the following text from her: [QUOTE=woo-woo] Wow. You sure turned out to be quite the FUCKING SOCIOPATH. [/quote] Try an imagine the thought process that goes in to composing something like that, and sending it to someone who’s been sending you thousands of dollars per year, and only asked in return to be left alone. It feels pretty good knowing that I’m finally done with her. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2010, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/58 "2010-07-04T22:53:26Z")
That’s how it works. YOU are the (insert insulting term here\*). Not them, no matter what they do. Do not be surprised if she spends the rest of her life trying to convince everyone else how horrible you are. - which is usually “psychopath”, “sociopath” or the biggest word their vocabulary supports that indicates ‘dangerous mental illness’. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2010, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/59 "2010-07-05T12:21:57Z")
Well, I won’t bore you with this weekends drama, just that I ended up saying get away from these people or end up in jail. I guess it’s going to take jail, and of course who will be devotedly visiting him? Fuck, it’s like something is on the track and you can’t get over the fence to pull it off before the train comes through. And fuck it’s my dear sweet friend on that track. He’s doing it to himself, it’s an addiction. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2010, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882/60 "2010-07-05T12:39:27Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Yeah, that’s the stuff right there. > > “Why did you lock the door? You don’t trust me!” > How did you know the door was locked? > > Been there, experienced that. Yeah, he changed his email and facebook passwords the other day since she’d got in there and contacted his friends, deleted some emails etc, I said, write the new one down on a scrap of paper so you’ll remember it. Like write it down a few times, then chuck the paper. He looked at me like it was some kind of trick for me to get his info. Dude, I’m \*\*normal \*\*, I don’t have time for that shit. Of course he struggled to remember the new password next time he was here :smack: then left without logging off. When I told him he’d forgotten he insinuated that I’d been all over his facebook - er no, I just thought it was careless and logged him out. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/experiences-with-borderline-personality-people/543882.md?page=4)