# Explain big weddings **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 19, 2014, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506 "2014-07-19T03:29:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/41 "2014-07-19T16:28:38Z")
> [@Eonwe](#): > > A few weeks (months?) back there was a short story on some NPR show about a couple using start-up companies for their wedding in Manhattan, to save a ton of money. “The average wedding in Manhattan costs $90,000,” said the reporter. Not once in the story about ‘quirky way to save money on a wedding’ did they mention that a $90k wedding is leagues beyond what most people in the country can afford or would spend. Reporting on what rich people do as if it’s what everybody does is a National Pastime, and does nasty things to our psyches. > > geez, sorry for the rant > [/soapbox] What do you mean, “not once did they mention that a $90k wedding is leagues beyond what most people in the country can afford or would spend”? In [the actual story](http://www.npr.org/2014/06/05/319072149/couple-goes-high-tech-and-low-cost-for-their-big-day), the reporter says, “And it looks as though they will be able to tie the knot for less than $10,000 in a city where the average wedding is - wait for it - nine times that cost.” The “wait for it” bit clearly acknowledges that $90,000 is a lot of money. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/42 "2014-07-19T16:29:01Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > Great. Honeymooning in a barracks with a bunch of family. 😉 Admitted, it sounds like it could be _horrific_, depending on your family, but actually the vast majority of _my_ family is local and are going home after dinner. Most of the people staying overnight are our friends and out-of-towners. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/43 "2014-07-19T16:37:58Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > There are no bullshit reasons for quitting this job. So it’s impossible that she’s quitting the job because: She had an affair with someone there, and it’s awkward now? She has mental health issues and cannot handle working anymore? Her new husband has meaningful money and she really doesn’t think it’s worth it to work for what will be a tiny fraction of household income? She wants to go pursue some personal career that she is somewhat embarrassed about (write, paint, make jewelry. . )? Has family in crisis that she doesn’t want to talk about (sister in rehab, mom with dementia, etc.)? She just fucking hates it, but her own personal code/work ethic forbid quitting a job because you are miserable, and demand a good excuse? Her husband to be is irrational and controlling and has demanded she quit, but she kinda knows that’s weird, so she needs a public reason? And that’s just off the top of my head. You can’t believe what people say to casual work friends. You can’t unquestioningly believe what they tell their close friends, and you should have some reservations about what they tell themselves. I mean, I have no doubt that she’s quitting, and that she’s going to spend a lot of time planning her wedding. But I also think there is a chance that there is a fair bit else going on. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/44 "2014-07-19T16:39:45Z")
I dunno. She’s mighty obsessed about this wedding. ETA: And those sound like lovely reasons to quit this job. Like I said, there are no _bad_ reasons. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/45 "2014-07-19T16:56:11Z")
> [@Lorene89095](#): > > I’d rather use the money to pay for a house/car/horse/medical bills I’m with **Lorene89095**. Also, I’m not especially comfortable being the center of attention. Even as a teenager and young woman, the idea of a big wedding didn’t appeal to me. Seemed to me that all that money could be spent more intelligently somewhere else. I’ve watched a few co-workers go through the months of preparation, getting progressively more haggard and stressed, and my question has always been, “Do you want to be married, or do you want to have a big party?” I can see, though, from the other posts that there are both big ethnic and familial pressures that I didn’t have growing up. My first two weddings were conducted by a Justice of the Peace. It certainly wasn’t that wedding environment that contributed to the later decline of the marriages. In fact, I would have felt even worse about them ending if we’d spent a huge about of money on a wedding. Two different couples I know have recently wed. They both invited close friends to their homes, had the service performed in the living room and garden, respectively, broke out a few bottles of bubbly and had a nice cake and snacks. They were lovely, low-key events and all of the attendees felt special because they’d been invited to such a small, personal affair. I doubt if I’ll ever marry again but if I do, that’s how I’ll do it. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/46 "2014-07-19T17:10:32Z")
(editing mishap, new post shortly) ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/47 "2014-07-19T17:26:22Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > Average rent in manhattan is $4,000/mo and that’s also more, by a factor of 10, than most people in the country can afford or would spend. > > In terms of buying a home, the average apartment in Manhattan costs $1300 **per square foot**. “The average sales price of Manhattan apartments spiked more than 30 percent over the past year to $1.774 million.” > [Manhattan's Real Estate Prices Reach Record $1,363 a Square Foot - Upper East Side - New York - DNAinfo](http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20140401/upper-east-side/manhattans-real-estate-prices-reach-record-1363-foot) > > People who live in Manhattan, on the whole, are wealthy compared to most Americans. In fact, they are wealthy compared to most New Yorkers. Manhattan =/= New York City. Yes, but, without derailing this thread too much, median household income in Manhattan is only $66,739. I’m sure those people are getting married too. I’m sure the $90k average is not a median but just (total spent on weddings)/(number of weddings). > [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > What do you mean, “not once did they mention that a $90k wedding is leagues beyond what most people in the country can afford or would spend”? In [the actual story](http://www.npr.org/2014/06/05/319072149/couple-goes-high-tech-and-low-cost-for-their-big-day), the reporter says, “And it looks as though they will be able to tie the knot for less than $10,000 in a city where the average wedding is - wait for it - nine times that cost.” The “wait for it” bit clearly acknowledges that $90,000 is a lot of money. Well, you got me there. Apologies for imprecise memory, and less-than-thorough re-telling. My point was not to knock the article, or the couple, nor, as I said, to knock anyone who does whatever they want to for their wedding. However, weddings in modern media (including that NPR article) tend to paint an upper-class picture of what a wedding should be, and perpetuate the idea that every Good American should desire all those trappings. Somehow the cost and extravagance of The Story of Weddings has exploded beyond the bounds of a practical Actual Wedding. ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/48 "2014-07-19T17:39:07Z")
> [@Macca26](#): > > You must not like cake then. My husband still leans back at least three times a year and says, “Remember how delicious our wedding cake was? When we’re back down in that area we should order another cake from that bakery”. We’ve even had guests remember the cake without prompting. > > A great cake is worth it, if you have any taste buds for cake at all. I love cake, and I especially like wedding cake. I still remember mine (42 years later), and a friend’s from only five years ago. I won’t care about the food - serve hot dogs if you want - but I will care about the cake. And where I live now there are no bakeries, so people think of wedding cake as just white cake. It’s sad for a person who likes wedding cake. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/49 "2014-07-19T17:39:38Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > Prince William Forest Park. > > It was (relatively) super cheap too. We were looking at other parks and outdoor venues around the DMV area and they were by far the cheapest; we started to reserve a camp out near Thurmont, MD, but we found Prince William Forest and it was 1/3 the price per night, $460 for the camp we wanted. They have 5 different cabin camps that sleep up to 200+, depending on the camp, some with lots of 4 and 6 person cabins, others with larger dorm-type cabins. They’re used as summer camps, so if you’ve ever been to summer camp, it’s exactly like that. > > I’ll let you know how it goes! We were just there a couple of weeks ago with the Brownie Encampment. Bring your own bathroom cleaning supplies, and plan some serious set-up time. Also, check all the cabins when you first drive up - the last one we moved into had hornets, and by then the Park folks had mostly gone home. We got some of those solar garden lights at the dollar store and set them in front of our cabin; enormously helpful when you are returning from the bathroom at night. Have a great time! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/50 "2014-07-19T17:50:15Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > One thing in particular I’m proud of is my wife negotiating with the caterer to serve 5 different entrees at about $9 a plate, and asking a baker to make us a 7-tier cake from a picture (that originally cost $2,500) for only $400. 😃 That part about the cake stuns me. I’m a baker, professionally, and shoot, the freakin’ ingredients for a cake like that would be at least half that, maybe more. How long ago _was_ this? Twelve years ago when I did my first wedding it was a three tier cake and three half sheets, and that was $250 before tax. It’s not just the stuff, it’s the \*\*time \*\*it takes. ---
**Author:** ![Ms\_Boods](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@Ms\_Boods](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms_Boods)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/51 "2014-07-19T19:11:40Z")
> [@Novelty\_Bobble](#): > > Or maybe just don’t worry about it at all? I don’t recall ever going to a wedding and giving the slightest shit about what the cake looked or tasted like. > > Buy three similar shop-made cakes, place on pillars, stick figurines on top, add sparklers (optional)…bingo, thirty quid all in. Hence my links to the Man/Woman skits on wedding cakes and wedding flowers. My second wedding was cheap not so much because I’m frugal (the fee I paid is a fraction of the ultimate cost of the last minute plane ticket to get the groom into place and the £4000 we’d spent on legal and immigration fees, and then the roughly $10K it cost me actually to move), but because I have no family or friends, so no need to worry about inviting a boatload of people to a big party where I’ve got to feed or entertain them. On the other hand, he’s got family and friends, so one of these days if we get around to it, his mum wants us to have some sort of vows ceremony thing in the 14th century church in her village where they invite all of these people whom I don’t know but seem friendly, the ones I’ve met. If someone else foots that bill, sure, they can knock themselves out. At the moment I have other priorities for my cash. Some people like to do a big blow out with all their kin and pals, others like smaller circs. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/52 "2014-07-19T20:16:02Z")
> [@Eonwe](#): > > However, weddings in modern media (including that NPR article) tend to paint an upper-class picture of what a wedding should be, and perpetuate the idea that every Good American should desire all those trappings. > > Somehow the cost and extravagance of The Story of Weddings has exploded beyond the bounds of a practical Actual Wedding. I agree that weddings as portraying in movies and television are far more elaborate than I’ve seen typically. For example, there will be elaborate floral decorations along the aisle in the church. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/53 "2014-07-19T21:14:08Z")
And fondant! It’s real pretty, if you want your cake to look like injection-molded polyethylene plastic, but I think it mostly exists to keep the cake from going stale, as if any commercial cakes go stale, ever. The damn stuff sure ain’t edible. Now, a nice butter cream frosting…chocolate butter cream over yellow cake. What’s wrong with that for a wedding cake? “But everything is supposed to be white for a wedding,” traditionalists cry. Yeah, and the bride’s white dress is supposed to reflect her chastity, and we all know that train left the station years ago. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/54 "2014-07-19T21:17:03Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > And fondant! It’s real pretty, if you want your cake to look like injection-molded polyethylene plastic, but I think it mostly exists to keep the cake from going stale, as if any commercial cakes go stale, ever. The damn stuff sure ain’t edible. Now, a nice butter cream frosting…chocolate butter cream over yellow cake. What’s wrong with that for a wedding cake? “But everything is supposed to be white for a wedding,” traditionalists cry. Yeah, and the bride’s white dress is supposed to reflect her chastity, and we all know that train left the station years ago. 😉 Right? My mom had a brief moment of angst over the white thing, and I suggested that perhaps with my son as the Best Man and my daughter as the Flower Maiden of Honor (her title for herself - she’s slightly too old to be a Flower Girl and slightly too young to be a Maid of Honor 😉 ) …just perhaps that whole White Wedding ship had sailed. ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/55 "2014-07-19T21:37:32Z")
Threads like this always confuse me. Some people like different things than other people. Some people think a big party, with fancy food and linens and a gigantic cake, is a _fun_ way to spend an evening and a fun thing to share with friends and family. This is no more inherently wasteful than any discretionary spending; if it brings happiness to the people involved, then it’s not “wasteful.” It’s absolutely fine and wonderful if your dream wedding costs $400. But there’s this strange undercurrent that such a wedding is somehow more virtuous or more “real” than a fancy-pants princess wedding, and I don’t think that’s so (at least, not in and of itself). (FYI: My own wedding was medium-to-small, because that’s what my wife and I both wanted). ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/56 "2014-07-19T22:18:22Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > Now, a nice butter cream frosting…chocolate butter cream over yellow cake. What’s wrong with that for a wedding cake? “But everything is supposed to be white for a wedding,” traditionalists cry. Yeah, and the bride’s white dress is supposed to reflect her chastity, and we all know that train left the station years ago. 😉 When we went cake tasting (we limited it to 3 local bakeries, and we both love and appreciate good cake), basically everyone asked either “what’s your theme?” or “what are your wedding colors?” Theme? Our theme was that we wanted the cake to taste fabulous. We ended up with 2 sheet cakes to serve most of the people (one half sacher torte, the other half raspberry chiffon), and a small presentation cake for cutting. It cost half what it would have cost to have one big, fancy cake. And we had bittersweet chocolate ganache frosting, because it tastes fabulous, dammit! Apparently the catering people saved us the top tier, assuming we would want it for our first anniversary. Who wants to eat year-old freezer burnt cake? We brought it to brunch for everyone to eat the next morning 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/57 "2014-07-19T22:51:00Z")
We had bittersweet chocolate ganache frosting on one of our cakes, too. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/58 "2014-07-19T23:06:48Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > We “only” had about 100 people, but that’s easy to get to when you have 5 siblings on his side (with kids) and many, many cousins on my side (no, not all of them attended, but some did). Add in your friends and the list swells quickly. We had, I think, maybe 30 people, most from my husband’s side (5 siblings/spouses, 13 nieces/nephews at the time), plus my MOH, her husband, and her kids, my mother, and me. We were on a very short, tight schedule with my husband having to move out of his rental by X date, my mother just being diagnosed with probable Alzheimer’s, and even if I had invited my remaining living relatives (which there are very few), chances are they wouldn’t have been able to come. I also left off some extended family because I didn’t want them to see how much my mother had deteriorated since the last time they’d seen her. My mother had no recollection of the day. She had no idea what was happening. I was more concerned about her than reciting my vows, TBH. Thankfully my FIL offered to look after her so my husband and I could at least enjoy ourselves. > [@](#): > > We had to book a year in advance because that’s how far out the church and the reception place (a nice building in a park) were booked. Our bridesmaids made their own dresses - all of them had sewing machines or willing moms who did - so that took some time. We lucked out in that there was an available slot at my husband’s alma mater’s chapel, which is the other reason why we jumped so quickly. It took me maybe 2-3 weeks to line up everything. Students provided the music, a family priest friend of my MIL/FIL officiated, and we “used” the previous wedding’s flowers at the chapel with the previous couple’s blessing. My dress was an off-the-rack ivory cocktail dress I got for 75% off. I didn my own hair and makeup. My MOH’s caterer friend supplied the buffet for a discount, and my MIL bought my cake. In all, we probably spent maybe $600-700 total. > [@](#): > > I tell everyone I can to learn from our experience and just elope, but I know that many (including us) have family members who will treat you like you spit in their face if you do that, so hey. There’s still an unspoken tension between some of the extended family and I regarding that. Half of them are of the “you gotta do what you’ve gotta do” ilk; the others have “officially” forgiven but they’ll never forget. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2014, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/59 "2014-07-19T23:14:28Z")
We had a small wedding, but I’m pretty uncomfortable with the cliché that big weddings are because women are shallow and insane. I’ve been to a few big weddings, and all of them were that size because the couple had big extended families, and either they actually wanted them all there or they knew that leaving anyone out would lead to decades of family drama. Also, all the big weddings were just as nice as the small ones. They weren’t my style, but they were full of love and warmth and fun and all the good stuff. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2014, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506/60 "2014-07-20T01:04:08Z")
> [@storyteller0910](#): > > But there’s this strange undercurrent that such a wedding is somehow more virtuous or more “real” than a fancy-pants princess wedding, and I don’t think that’s so (at least, not in and of itself). I’m sorry. You’re wrong. 😃 And wedding photos, especially of all the guests! You have, say, 500 people there. On your tenth anniversary do you play the “Your Relative or My Relative” game? And inviting your parents’ co-workers just adds wild cards that make it a fun game of “Who the Hell is That?” that can be played the day the photos come back. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-big-weddings/693506.md?page=4)