# Explain Helen Mirren's hotness (ridiculous/paranoid answers only please) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 24, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833 "2010-07-24T13:51:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/41 "2010-07-25T03:48:43Z")
> [@Death\_of\_Rats](#): > > … > and they called me mad at the university. > > except at the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority house were they called me “Big Meat” Because that’s the name of the pizza you delivered there? ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/42 "2010-07-25T04:31:05Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > She would look like Mother Teresa if she didn’t have a painting of Dick Clark in her attic. Winner! ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/43 "2010-07-25T05:42:11Z")
She isn’t actually hot, but she is a bloody good actress, and she plays the part of a hot woman very convincingly. Indeed, she has been doing it for almost it whole career. (I speak as someone who saw her Cressida in '68, when, arguably, she actually was hot.) [I concede that some may not find this answer sufficiently ridiculous, but it is, I submit, thoroughly paranoid.] ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/44 "2010-07-25T05:47:16Z")
So, to sum up, Helen Mirren looks all right in a bikini but looked WAY hotter when she was an underaged teen (per **Diogenes** ) and J.R.R. Tolkien rulez. Yes, staying up late to read the Dope has certainly paid off this evening. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/45 "2010-07-25T13:48:48Z")
> [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > > [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > > > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > > > > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > > > > > > > She looks very fit for her age, which is probably a combination of good genes and good health habits, but I wouldn’t say she’s “hot” anymore. She was hot like 50 years ago. > > > > > > > > Dude! As if the identity of the OP were not clue enough, both OP & thread title make it clear that you’re supposed to give a silly answer! > > > > > > > > And now to offer my own: > > > > > > > > It’s clear that Helen Mirren is clearly Galadriel, tossed out of the Undying Lands again, probably for pointing out that the Valar are a bunch of feckless wankers whose uselessness is exceeded only by the League of Nations. > > > > > > That’s not silly at all. There’s far too much Tolkien stuff going on there. It reads like stereo instructions. > > > > It is grammatically incorrect to use the words _too_, _much_, & _Tolkien_ in the same clause, in that order, without a negation word nearby. > > Sorry. > > _Far_ too much Tolkien. Then again, any Tolkien could be far too much Tolkien. The movies were solid, though. You make me regret demobbing the legions of flying monkeys, LOUNE. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/46 "2010-07-25T14:33:17Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > > > > [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > > > > > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > > > > > > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > > > > > > > > > She looks very fit for her age, which is probably a combination of good genes and good health habits, but I wouldn’t say she’s “hot” anymore. She was hot like 50 years ago. > > > > > > > > > > Dude! As if the identity of the OP were not clue enough, both OP & thread title make it clear that you’re supposed to give a silly answer! > > > > > > > > > > And now to offer my own: > > > > > > > > > > It’s clear that Helen Mirren is clearly Galadriel, tossed out of the Undying Lands again, probably for pointing out that the Valar are a bunch of feckless wankers whose uselessness is exceeded only by the League of Nations. > > > > > > > > That’s not silly at all. There’s far too much Tolkien stuff going on there. It reads like stereo instructions. > > > > > > It is grammatically incorrect to use the words _too_, _much_, & _Tolkien_ in the same clause, in that order, without a negation word nearby. > > > > Sorry. > > > > _Far_ too much Tolkien. Then again, any Tolkien could be far too much Tolkien. The movies were solid, though. > > You make me regret demobbing the legions of flying monkeys, LOUNE. Flying monkeys? What are they from, Dragon Ball Z or something? d&r ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/47 "2010-07-25T14:36:10Z")
> [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > Flying monkeys? What are they from, Dragon Ball Z or something? > > d&r I honestly know next to nothing about Dragon Ball Z. ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/48 "2010-07-25T14:37:59Z")
She’s a Kenyan by birth, that’s why. What? ---
**Author:** ![Ichbin\_Dubist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/51bf81/32.png) [@Ichbin\_Dubist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ichbin_Dubist)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/49 "2010-07-25T15:08:28Z")
Ah, you mean the woman born as Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov? Born the week after the Trinity Test? The day after Truman informed Stalin? Born in London, to a Russian noble father and an “English” “mother”? Just a coincidence, indeed. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2010, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/50 "2010-07-25T15:13:03Z")
> [@Ichbin\_Dubist](#): > > Ah, you mean the woman born as Ilyena Vasilievna Mironov? Born the week after the Trinity Test? What? No, of course not; she quietly retired ages ago. Her daughter just uses the stage name, is all. ---
**Author:** ![by-tor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/by-tor/32/266_2.png) [@by-tor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/by-tor)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/51 "2010-07-26T03:45:34Z")
She is a doppelgänger android that eats pineal glands for breakfast and then retreats to her rejuvenation chamber, where a thousand Tibetan monks direct their Chi to waylay astral travelers whose five part souls she integrates into an azurite monkey statue named “Sparky.” The statue’s hobbies include baking and snowboarding. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2010, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/52 "2010-07-26T03:48:30Z")
Ist requirings of der further research. Bringen sie die Helen Mirren hier, bitte. I let you know what I find. ::closes curtain:: ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2010, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/53 "2010-07-26T04:00:14Z")
Helen Mirren ate James Dean in 1955 when she was known as “Velma Cruikshank” and already 60. This lead to the bodies of Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson being interred in secure places known only to the illuminati. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2010, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/54 "2010-07-26T04:15:16Z")
She’s NOT youthful or hot- she’s just using her magic to LOOK that way. Get her to do the Dragon’s Breath spell, and you’ll see what she REALLY looks like. [![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJkE97L2mOk) ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/55 "2010-07-26T21:35:07Z")
Contrary to the official story, Dame Helen was not honored by the Queen for her acting abilities. She was actually recognized for her secret contributions to the Royal Academy of Gerontology in its experiments to extend lifespan. Mirren, of course, was the subject of a successful experiment. [Others weren’t so lucky.](http://www.flickr.com/photos/7666975@N03/3410246902/) ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2010, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/56 "2010-07-26T22:31:16Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > [Others weren’t so lucky.](http://www.flickr.com/photos/7666975@N03/3410246902/) Before I clicked on the link, I would have bet money it was going to be a link to a current picture of Lindsay Lohan. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/57 "2010-07-27T03:05:39Z")
Good genes, good lifestyle, and she’s never been pregnant or had children. The last one is a big one… ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833/58 "2010-07-27T03:25:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](#): > > > > Flying monkeys? What are they from, Dragon Ball Z or something? > > > > d&r > > I honestly know next to nothing about Dragon Ball Z. That totally makes two of us. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-helen-mirrens-hotness-ridiculous-paranoid-answers-only-please/547833.md?page=2)