# Explain Survivors Guilt **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [February 12, 2014, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172 "2014-02-12T18:20:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2014, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/21 "2014-02-13T17:40:44Z")
To this day I feel both guilt and shame that I did not go to Vietnam. I was deffered on a very legitamate knee problem from football that I still suffer from but my consious tells me I should have gotten the surgery and gone to Vietnam. I had several close friends killed over there and many many more who came back fucked up either physicaly or mentaly. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2014, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/22 "2014-02-13T21:13:52Z")
My beloved husband and I both came down with West Nile Virus at about the same time. I had a bad fever for a couple of days, then recovered completely. He spent 2 1/2 months on a respirator, nearly half a year in the hospital, came home in a wheelchair, never walked again, and died just over a year after first falling ill. When you can explain that to me, then [del]I can explain survivor’s guilt to you [/del] you’ll have your own answer. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2014, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/23 "2014-02-13T22:00:18Z")
I had survivors guilt for a long time over a car accident I was in - my friend died and I didn’t. I was faster, had longer legs and made it out if the way. She did not. There is no rational explanation for it - I used to feel guilty because there wasn’t anything special about me, and not I felt pressured to \*be special. \*To have earned it, in some way, I guess. It’s an awful feeling. ---
**Author:** ![RedSwinglineOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a9adbd/32.png) [@RedSwinglineOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedSwinglineOne)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2014, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/24 "2014-02-13T23:26:13Z")
There was a special on recently involving several plane crashes, each with exactly one survivor. One of the survivors was a teenage boy. Twenty something years later, he feels guilty for not having made much of his life career wise. He was embarrassed to meet the families of the victims because he was sure they would be disappointed in him, thinking their loved ones would have accomplished more. He also felt some guilt because he could be seen in interviews after the crash smiling, while talking about having survived the crash. I think it is understandable for a teenage boy to get caught up in the media circus, just having survived a plane crash, and to not be aware enough to act a little subdued. ---
**Author:** ![No\_umlaut\_for\_U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ea5d25/32.png) [@No\_umlaut\_for\_U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/No_umlaut_for_U)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2014, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/25 "2014-02-13T23:54:07Z")
Isn’t there a facet of believing you were spared for a purpose, accompanied by the misery of never knowing what that purpose is? Or being unable to accomplish the purpose you felt spared for, such as a C student believing he was spared to become a doctor? ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/26 "2014-02-14T03:50:53Z")
> [@No\_umlaut\_for\_U](#): > > Isn’t there a facet of believing you were spared for a purpose, accompanied by the misery of never knowing what that purpose is? Or being unable to accomplish the purpose you felt spared for, such as a C student believing he was spared to become a doctor? There was for me, and the misery of knowing you can’t possibly measure up to the worth of someone else’s life. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/27 "2014-02-14T04:49:50Z")
Everybody ascribes meaning to their lives, and tragedy experienced first hand turns that meaning on its head. Even if you know that whatever meaning you ascribe to life is purely subjective, it’s still natural to think of yourself as the protagonist in your own personal narrative. When you survive something awful and others don’t through mere chance, you try to fit that into your personal narrative and sometimes it just doesn’t fit and never will. You may know intellectually that the reason you’re alive and the other person is dead is because of nothing more than random chance, but even if you know that’s true intellectually it’s an entirely, completely unsatisfying answer. It’s not even really an answer, it’s just a restatement of the naked fact that it happened. There’s no reason why one person lives and another person dies, and there’s no answer to the question of why you lived and somebody else died, but sometimes you’re simply not able to dispassionately tell yourself that, shrug your shoulders and be done with it. Tragedy grips you viscerally and disrupts everything you’ve been telling yourself about yourself. ---
**Author:** ![dolphinboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dolphinboy/32/330_2.png) [@dolphinboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dolphinboy)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/28 "2014-02-14T05:05:04Z")
Thanks everyone. While I will probably never feel it myself, I can understand how it could happen to someone based on their psychological makeup. As far as the example of someone being not being laid off, I work at Cisco and survived two large layoffs for no reason I can think of. Many of my coworkers were laid off while I was not. Do I feel bad for some of these people? Of course, especially the ones that had just bought a house or have small children. Do I wish I would have been laid off instead of them? Not in the least. The company decided to keep me around for whatever reason. I feel good about not being laid off, not bad because I wasn’t laid off. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/29 "2014-02-14T05:38:19Z")
Never been in any lethal accidents, but I’m kind of a “survivor” of the Family Curse, i.e. bipolar disorder. Suffered terribly until approx. 15 years ago, when I finally discovered the perfect medication (and it’s legal in this state!) as well as learning special mind-tricks to block bad feelings before they dig their claws in. However, since then, I have lost 4-5 relatives to suicide and/or personal neglect, including a close cousin whose bipolarism came seemingly out of nowhere mere months after I had conquered the manic-depressive demon, and sometimes I still feel guilty about that loss – as if it were my “life purpose” vis-à-vis the Family Curse to kill myself, for whatever reason, and I’d unwittingly passed the baton to someone else. I’ve since spoken with experts who say they’ve witness this type of thing happening, how mental “sickness” inside a majorly dysfunctional family will transfer like that – once the “identified patient” becomes rational again, another relative will suddenly become symptomatic. That doesn’t mean it’s my fault, of course, nor does it mean there’s any causal relationship, it’s just a thing. > [@No\_umlaut\_for\_U](#): > > Isn’t there a facet of believing you were spared for a purpose, accompanied by the misery of never knowing what that purpose is? This is a common coping mechanism. The lucky thing is that I think I’ve figured out, as of some years ago, what my own “life purpose” may actually be, though it’s very hard to explain in words and it’s inherently personal. The key is that a “life purpose” is something _you_ choose, never something chosen _for_ you. Keep searching, and eventually you’ll stumble across something that fits. ---
**Author:** ![Charley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/97f17d/32.png) [@Charley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charley)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/30 "2014-02-14T05:48:16Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > People even get a form of survivors guilt when big layoffs happen at companies and they keep their jobs. It’s a surprisingly common occurrence in my experience. According to my half-remembered studies, this is exactly right. By any of the standard measures, surviving a redundancy round is often psychologically worse in the immediate aftermath than being a casualty. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/31 "2014-02-14T05:58:26Z")
From Eric Bogle’s “Welcome Home” > [@](#): > > Welcome home, boys, welcome home > Don’t you know, you’ve been gone too long > We’re just so glad that you’re alive > And only you will wonder why > You lived when others died, > Welcome home To the OP, in some ways you’re lucky to have no comprehension of Survivor’s Guilt. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/32 "2014-02-14T13:57:42Z")
> [@dolphinboy](#): > > Do I wish I would have been laid off instead of them? Not in the least. The company decided to keep me around for whatever reason. I feel good about not being laid off, not bad because I wasn’t laid off. Survivors guilt isn’t always about “wishing it was me”. That’s only one facet. You can be happy and grateful it wasn’t you and still have survivors guilt. It doesn’t kick in in every situation either. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/33 "2014-02-14T14:34:51Z")
> [@dolphinboy](#): > > Thanks everyone. While I will probably never feel it myself, I can understand how it could happen to someone based on their psychological makeup. > > As far as the example of someone being not being laid off, I work at Cisco and survived two large layoffs for no reason I can think of. Many of my coworkers were laid off while I was not. Do I feel bad for some of these people? Of course, especially the ones that had just bought a house or have small children. Do I wish I would have been laid off instead of them? Not in the least. The company decided to keep me around for whatever reason. I feel good about not being laid off, not bad because I wasn’t laid off. You’re still thinking too logically. Guilt is not always logical. Someone can logically know they’re not in the wrong, but still feel guilty. ---
**Author:** ![dolphinboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dolphinboy/32/330_2.png) [@dolphinboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dolphinboy)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/34 "2014-02-14T15:15:21Z")
> [@SciFiSam](#): > > You’re still thinking too logically. Guilt is not always logical. Someone can logically know they’re not in the wrong, but still feel guilty. I get that ‘feelings’ like guilt don’t have to be logical… but I tend to view the world logically and I don’t see any reason for a survivor to feel guilty. That doesn’t mean survivors guilt doesn’t exist, just that I can’t personally understand it… ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/35 "2014-02-14T17:04:30Z")
Well, then, pray that you never will. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/36 "2014-02-14T17:29:16Z")
> [@dolphinboy](#): > > I get that ‘feelings’ like guilt don’t have to be logical… but I tend to view the world logically and I don’t see any reason for a survivor to feel guilty. Logic is never a factor when dealing with your emotional response to a traumatic event. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/37 "2014-02-14T17:33:06Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > My mom watched her mother, holding the hands of her younger sister and young cousin walk to the gas chambers. My mom was allowed to live on a whim of the nazi guard. Her mother, sister and cousin died. > > Of course she feels tremendous guilt that her mother died and she was allowed to live. > > It may not be rational, but it’s certainly common enough to be a fact. I think it is the sheer randomness that causes survivors guilt. Most people can’t deal with the idea that had I been 2 feet to the left I would have died and so the event might be translated by the brain not as “I could have died.” but “I should have died.” ---
**Author:** ![Iggins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Iggins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iggins)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/38 "2014-02-14T18:19:46Z")
> [@dolphinboy](#): > > I get that ‘feelings’ like guilt don’t have to be logical… but I tend to view the world logically and I don’t see any reason for a survivor to feel guilty. That doesn’t mean survivors guilt doesn’t exist, just that I can’t personally understand it… So, if you don’t personally experience something, you can’t fathom how anyone else does? There are many things I don’t understand, but I can certainly recognize that other people may be different from me… ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/39 "2014-02-14T18:40:25Z")
> [@dolphinboy](#): > > I get that ‘feelings’ like guilt don’t have to be logical… but I tend to view the world logically and I don’t see any reason for a survivor to feel guilty. That doesn’t mean survivors guilt doesn’t exist, just that I can’t personally understand it… I think most of us would describe ourselves as viewing the world logically. I know I do. You may just have been lucky to never have been in that position. Or perhaps in general feelings of empathy don’t come as naturally to you. I know it can range- I feel huge amounts of empathy to the point that seeing someone cry will set me crying as well. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2014, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172/40 "2014-02-14T19:04:45Z")
Yes, you feel fortunate that it wasn’t you, but feeling “lucky” or even “celebrating” your survival adds to the guilt. It’s a horrible feeling to feel guilty that you lived when someone else did not. Even when you know it’s not logical or reasonable. It’s like telling a depressed person “Just snap out of it and be happy”. You can’t, and in the back of your mind somehow, you are also waiting for that other shoe to drop (at least I was). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-survivors-guilt/681172.md?page=3)