# Explain to me "first sex" etiquette (need answer fast, I hope) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 25, 2008, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464 "2008-10-25T02:05:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/41 "2008-10-27T02:01:41Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > I think you worry too much. :D:p:D Pot, meet kettle. Kettle, meet pot. :D:p:D Love ya, dude. Seriously. And I’m totally cribbing your “melty man cometh” line. > [@Atomicktom](#): > > That’s why having sex with an optometrist is so bad. It’s always, “better like this? Or better like this?” Holy crap, that’s funny. I will NOT be able to hold it together at my next optometrist appointment! > [@Atomicktom](#): > > Anyway, that’s my story. How’s your love life? Not too bad, actually, thanks. No felonious strippers, but a surfeit of redheads, so I really can’t complain. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/42 "2008-10-27T02:14:15Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Love ya, dude. Seriously. And I’m totally cribbing your “melty man cometh” line. > . Me? Overthink things? Why, I resemble that remark 😛 And, as for the MM, to give credit where it’s due, it’s originally from the hilarious show ‘Coupling’. > **[Urban Dictionary: melty man](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=melty%20man)** > > melty man: For the men: Do not even speak his name or he will rise from the shadow dimension to do his work on your terrified pants. He is the arch-enemy of... ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/43 "2008-10-27T04:25:12Z")
> [@Atomicktom](#): > > Thank you for making my frustrating, unfufilled personal life sound cool. You made my night. 🙂 😕 I don’t watch much TV, so I had to google Mad Men and found this from [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mad_Men): > [@](#): > > Mad Men depicts the society and culture of the early 1960s, highlighting cigarette smoking, drinking, sexism, homophobia, religious, ethnic and racial bias as examples of how that era was so radically different from the present. There must be something missing in the translation. :dubious: As to my sex life, unless I was traveling with an acrobatic circus and doing the entire cast of characters of the circus, I’m sure that any story I could tell would pale in comparison to yours, so I’ll gratefully (for the lack of drama) and politely decline to answer. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![bubba\_jr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e95f7d/32.png) [@bubba\_jr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bubba_jr)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/44 "2008-10-27T06:07:14Z")
> [@fisha](#): > > Nothing more irritating than someone asking questions during sex. > > Sex now, talk later. Talking and laughing while fucking is the best thing, especially the first time. “mind if I have a taste?” “you really should bottle this, it smells gooooodddd.” “do you have to work tomorrow?” “I think I just broke your bed” “sorry about your cervix, I’ll buy you a new one” “and you thought pretzels were salty?” The first time is probably not going to be intense on a purely sexual level, so you have to laugh a little, that can make it intense. ---
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/45 "2008-10-27T18:06:12Z")
\ What’s wrong with a KISS, boy? Don’t just go diving in straight for the clitoris! Kiss her! \ ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/46 "2008-10-27T18:41:55Z")
> [@The\_Second\_Stone](#): > > I got a sweater for my birthday. I wanted a screamer. Neville: I got a screamer from me grandmum once; it was horrible… My own personal rule o’ thumb: if you’re not ready to talk about it, you’re not ready to do it. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/47 "2008-10-27T18:42:49Z")
> [@Atomicktom](#): > > That’s why having sex with an optometrist is so bad. It’s always, “better like this? Or better like this?” This one-liner deserves some love. Awesome! Now I’m trying to figure out how I can make it into a joke to tell my boyfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/48 "2008-10-27T18:52:52Z")
> [@Atomicktom](#): > > That’s why having sex with an optometrist is so bad. It’s always, “better like this? Or better like this?” You think that’s bad? Wait until he dilates the vagina. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/49 "2008-10-27T19:45:35Z")
I’m sure this applies to other dopers, but I have the ‘reverse psychology’ approach to getting laid. All the times I’ve gotten lucky were in contexts of sex being on the last thing on my mind. Not that I wasn’t in the mood, but just because I didn’t think it was going to happen. If I’m at a club hoping to score with some gorgeous girl there, I’m going to get really shy and nervous because I’m going to be afraid of coming off as a dweeb to everyone with a pair of X chromisomes (and boobies 😃 ). But if I’m out somewhere, say on vacation or something, just trying to have a good time, not _thinking_ about having sex, sometimes things will amazingly just click into place- I’ll meet someone, we hit it off, yadda yadda yadda. Enjoying moments for what they are make me a lot more relaxed and confident. Having sex as a goal makes me over-analyze everything I’m doing at that moment. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/50 "2008-10-27T19:57:02Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally Posted by **Autolycus** > > _You think that’s bad? Wait until he dilates the vagina_. It isn’t too bad, really, as long as your vagina isn’t exposed to light afterwards. That will make it slam shut faster than a Gringott’s vault. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/51 "2008-10-27T20:08:02Z")
Wow **Atomicktom** she sounds hot and like her life is a mess. Dating material, not relationship. And don’t let her know where you live. And don’t piss her off. Hmm. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2008, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/52 "2008-10-27T20:50:46Z")
> [@Atomicktom](#): > > …she’s really cute and funny, and has a bit of a deviant side (some revealing tattoos and a propensity for really high heeled stilletto shoes). > > Then…after not speaking with her for about a week (I’ve moved offices, and we now work on different floors, so we don’t interact at work), she came into my office late one afternoon and, without a word, closed my door, straddled my lap, and proceeded to give me another nice, deep kiss. > > There’s another girl (a very pretty, well-to-do attorney) that I see in court a lot who has described me as “fuckable” (per the grapevine). And there’s another girl I frequently see at my Tuesday attorney meetings (sort of a networking thing) who’s potentially available. So, I’m not too upset over it. Dude - I’m sorry, but where is the problem here? If I were you I would arrange a few first sex opportunities - you seem to be well positioned for a few - and pilot-test different approaches to etiquette - learn by doing, I always say… ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2008, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/53 "2008-10-28T00:05:59Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > You think that’s bad? Wait until he dilates the vagina. > > > [@pbbth](#): > > > > It isn’t too bad, really, as long as your vagina isn’t exposed to light afterwards. That will make it slam shut faster than a Gringott’s vault. So using the disco ball strobe light in my bedroom isn’t a good idea? How about if I use the black light bulb? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2008, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/54 "2008-10-28T00:17:59Z")
> [@Atomicktom](#): > > Then…after not speaking with her for about a week (I’ve moved offices, and we now work on different floors, so we don’t interact at work), she came into my office late one afternoon and, without a word, closed my door, straddled my lap, and proceeded to give me another nice, deep kiss. Sounds to me like, if you two had hooked up, you wouldn’t have really been calling the shots. I think you had it right in your OP, though. Don’t be boring the first time you get together, but don’t pull out the porn star moves or major kinks right out of the gate. And, of course, be very, very giving. ---
**Author:** ![Uncle\_Brother\_Walker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f08c70/32.png) [@Uncle\_Brother\_Walker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncle_Brother_Walker)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2008, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/55 "2008-10-28T03:12:49Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > I’m sure this applies to other dopers, but I have the ‘reverse psychology’ approach to getting laid. All the times I’ve gotten lucky were in contexts of sex being on the last thing on my mind. Not that I wasn’t in the mood, but just because I didn’t think it was going to happen. > > If I’m at a club hoping to score with some gorgeous girl there, I’m going to get really shy and nervous because I’m going to be afraid of coming off as a dweeb to everyone with a pair of X chromisomes (and boobies 😃 ). > > But if I’m out somewhere, say on vacation or something, just trying to have a good time, not _thinking_ about having sex, sometimes things will amazingly just click into place- I’ll meet someone, we hit it off, yadda yadda yadda. > > Enjoying moments for what they are make me a lot more relaxed and confident. Having sex as a goal makes me over-analyze everything I’m doing at that moment. I tend to have the same track record. Every time I’ve hooked up with a woman the first time, it was unintentional. Seems like she had already planned to have sex with me without my knowledge, and I was the hapless victim 😉 . Happy, but unaware that this was going to happen. When I try to make a move on a woman, it usually ends up with me stepping on it somehow. Hell, the only mack I have in my body is McDonald’s. Makes me recall a woman I dated in my early 20’s. We had been friends for about 9 months and went out drinking together all the time. Had plenty of late nights sitting around talking about deep personal issues, getting to know each other and what not. I thought we were building a great friendship. One night we came home from barhopping and were in her bedroom when she stated that she was going to change clothes and I should avert my eyes. I busied myself browsing through her CD collection and when she said I could turn around, she was naked on top of the covers on her bed. Then she asked me what I wanted to do. It was at that point that I got the hint. We dated for years after that, and we are still friends to this day, despite being apart by about 2000 miles. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2008, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/56 "2008-10-28T03:16:12Z")
So if I go out on a hot date would a good strategy be to inform the woman that before she gets her hopes up, I will _not_ have sex with her tonight? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2008, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/57 "2008-10-28T05:50:37Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > So if I go out on a hot date would a good strategy be to inform the woman that before she gets her hopes up, I will _not_ have sex with her tonight? It’ll probably break the ice with a good laugh if nothing else (but you have to say “putting out”). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2008, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/58 "2008-10-28T11:00:43Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > It’ll probably break the ice with a good laugh if nothing else (but you have to say “putting out”). 😃 I’ve tried that line and **all** it was good for was a laugh. :(😃 ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2008, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464/59 "2008-10-28T14:46:36Z")
A girl tried it on me, it worked! 😃 Guess it only works on dudes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/explain-to-me-first-sex-etiquette-need-answer-fast-i-hope/469464.md?page=2)