# Eye contact, argh! Or, don't look at me. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 6, 2005, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000 "2005-04-06T04:56:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/21 "2005-04-07T00:44:35Z")
I have absolutely no problem making and sustaining eye contact, but tend to be very careful about engaging in this behavior excessively, simply because (a) it often makes women feel uncomfortable, (b) it makes straight guys think I’m strange, or © it makes gay guys think I’m also gay. ---
**Author:** ![Campion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@Campion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Campion)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/22 "2005-04-07T00:48:08Z")
**WhyNot** : This was revelatory to me! It’s true, but nothing I’d ever thought about. In my job, we had to take a class where, among other things, we were given a modified Myers Briggs personality test, then we discussed how those personality types played out at work. One type is > [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > when someone asks me a question I tend to think for a few seconds while staring off into space, and then launch into a complete explaination of my answer and all relevent considerations in coming to that conclusion. That form of response is quite common in my profession – something approaching 40%, I think – and once the teacher explained that that’s just how that personality type processes information, it becomes so much easier to communicate! (I say “that” personality type when I should say “my” personality type, but whatever.) **Harimad-Sol** , what may help you is something similar. What I learned from the class was to consider how other people process information. In other words, it helped me analyze how other people wanted me to talk to them, and by making small changes in how I communicate, I (supposedly) become a much more effective communicator. Take what **WhyNot** lists and try to apply those in a conversation with someone. Even a couple of small changes (like a second of “checking in” eye contact every now and then) may not make you feel so vulnerable but may help your listener to see you as more confident. Eye contact isn’t my problem – it’s paying attention to someone when I’ve heard everything I need to hear (but not everything they need to say). > [@FilmGeek](#): > > They did an eye tracker experiment while people of both persuasions watched a lovers’ quarrel in an old movie. And? ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/23 "2005-04-07T00:50:24Z")
> [@Silentgoldfish](#): > > Focus between their eyes, above their nose. You’ll look just like you’re staring in their eyes. I look just above their eyebrows. Unless you’re standing really close, you can’t tell. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/24 "2005-04-07T01:10:59Z")
> [@Stranger On a Train](#): > > I generally either make too little eye contact or too much. It doesn’t help that when someone asks me a question I tend to think for a few seconds while staring off into space, and then launch into a complete explaination of my answer and all relevent considerations in coming to that conclusion. > > Now, I tend to look at someone when they are talkiing, and look over their shoulder when I’m talking to them. I do this too. I guess people get used to it. > [@The Sausage Creature](#): > > The majority of people either look away, think I am trying to be intimidating, I almost got in trouble with the law for this. My friend (kind of a classic New York City hardass) and I were trying to get some loser home after said loser told us he could drink us under the table. (The only person he drank under the table was himself.) Apparently, the girls who owned the house were tired of our failed attempts to get the jackass to stand up, and they called the police. We put on a please-our-friend-got-really-sick-we’re-just-trying-to-get-him-back-to-the-dorms-safely thing, and it was almost blown because my New Yorker friend, who by habit gives people icy stares right in the pupil, apparently looked at one of the officers and the officer said “Don’t look at me like that!” New York stares don’t fly in Arizona, I guess. > [@Silentgoldfish](#): > > Focus between their eyes, above their nose. You’ll look just like you’re staring in their eyes. My sixth-grade Social Studies teacher said that a good trick for presentations is to look _just above_ the top of the head of someone in the audience. Apparently it’ll look like you’re looking them in the eye. Never used it in conversation–I think the closer range would render the trick transparent. ---
**Author:** ![Sarah\_Woodruff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df788c/32.png) [@Sarah\_Woodruff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarah_Woodruff)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/25 "2005-04-07T04:29:42Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I look people dead on in the eye. It never even occured to me it could be disconcerting. Yeah, I do this too, have done since I was a toddler. People used to tell my mother that I was “quite a solemn child.” Nowadays it comes in useful sometimes (people often seem to respond well because it makes me look like I’m 100% interested in what they have to say, or that I’m focused and confident, when mostly I’m neither), but other times it’s a bit embarrassing (random guys think I’m flirting with them when I’m really looking at them and thinking, “what a terrible jacket!”). The fact that I have large dark eyes just exaggerates whatever message I’m totally unaware of sending to others. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/26 "2005-04-07T05:13:47Z")
> [@Sarah Woodruff](#): > > The fact that I have large dark eyes just exaggerates whatever message I’m totally unaware of sending to others. So, uh, how you doi…oh, sorry. Never mind. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Nurobath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a88e57/32.png) [@Nurobath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nurobath)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/27 "2005-04-07T07:08:40Z")
I tend to switch back and forth between the eyes and the mouth when someone is talking to me and to look around a lot when I’m talking to someone with occasional looks to the eye. I have a really hard time looking at someone in the eye for any length of time. Not because of feelings of intimidation or insecurity but because it always feels to me like I’m staring and creeping people out. If I do look someone in the eye they almost always look away after a few seconds. ---
**Author:** ![serious\_lark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@serious\_lark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/serious_lark)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/28 "2005-04-07T18:11:12Z")
I have always had difficulty looking people in the eye longer than a second or two, but didn’t realize that others had a problem with it until an adult meeting me when I was in grade 6 made a big deal out of it. Like others on this thread, I learned to look at parts of faces near the eyes (eyebrows, bridge of nose, whatever) and that seems to do the trick as far as keeping others happy. There may be a genetic component to this: my father and my son both have this tendency of avoiding prolonged eye contact as well. The posts about the psych experiment and the observation of where autistic people look (vs. “normal” people) were both very thought-provoking - thanks for sharing. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/29 "2005-04-07T19:44:36Z")
I \*love \* eyes. I love looking into them. I feel like I know you better, it’s almost intimate in a way to look into your eyes. If I see that it bothers you, I won’t force it, but if your eyes meet mine it’s always a tiny little thrill. ---
**Author:** ![rpinrd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@rpinrd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rpinrd)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2005, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/30 "2005-04-07T20:15:11Z")
If you’re a guy and you are talking to a woman, just stare at their breasts. Women really like that, as it communicates that you take them seriously and are paying careful attention to what they have to say. This will help your social/business standing immensely. (So glad I could work the word “breasts” into what I think is my 100th post) ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/31 "2005-04-08T01:02:09Z")
This has been helpful and interesting. One thing I try to do is look at people consciously since it’s so difficult for me. Then, however, it becomes rather complicated. I have an internal conversation that goes something like this: Brain: OK, look at him [him just as an example] again. You haven’t done it in about three minutes. Eyes: All right, but I feel like I just looked at him. Brain: I don’t care, just a quick glance at his face so he’ll know you’re paying attention. Eyes: _look_ Brain: There, that wasn’t so bad, was it? Eyes: I wish we were outside so I could wear my sunglasses and then he wouldn’t know whether I was looking at him or the wall behind him. Brain: We’ve been over that. When you wear sunglasses, people think you’re looking at them all the freaking time. Eyes: I know, but it makes me feel better. It is entirely possible that I am making too much of this, as I am wont to do with almost everything. ---
**Author:** ![pesch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pesch/32/4925_2.png) [@pesch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pesch)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/32 "2005-04-08T02:17:41Z")
> [@Podkayne](#): > > I’ve always been afraid of looking people in the eye. I’m sure it came from being picked on when I was younger. I usually didn’t even think of it consciously, but then at some point in my twenties, it dawned on me that people who don’t look other people in the eye can seem, not just shy, but actually dishonest and untrustworthy, so I started trying to work on it. > > It was extremely hard at first, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that when you look people in the eye, _nothing bad happens!_ Indeed, often, _nice_ things happen, like they smile pleasantly or make a little joke and give you a sly wink. Who knew? > > I guess for so long, whenever I said something to someone, they were likely to roll their eyes, or make a face, or say something mean, and I just had decided that I was sick of staring at peole while they gave those scornful reactions. > > Sometimes my unconcious self needs to be reminded that the Real World isn’t full of evil, tyrannical schoolteachers, nasty children and asshole teenagers. You got my life story there. I still have to consciously make eye contact (usually by focusing on the throat or chin), but when I’m relaxing with my wife over the breakfast table, old habits take control really easy. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/33 "2005-04-08T02:20:16Z")
Try undressing someone or being undressed without breaking eye contact. Daunting, yet erotic. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/34 "2005-04-08T18:48:13Z")
I’ve got the same problem, I think. I’m hyper-self-conscious about pretty much everything, so I’m always certain that the person I’m talking to is howling in laughter at me in their mind, regardless. It’s compounded for me by the fact that I’ve got some godawful stupid horrid eye thing where sometimes, I look cross-eyed\*. I tend to look at people’s hair, actually, when it’s a situation where it’s ‘expected’ to look at their face. It’s close enough to sort of ‘pass’. \*the muscles that control my eyes don’t quite work together the way they’re supposed to. I can, with both eyes open, ‘switch’ which eye I’m seeing out of - two separate pictures are being sent to my brain, and not being integrated. Plays hell with my depth perception, sometimes makes me look like a freak, and I may lose a week of my summer having major surgery for the _third time_ in my life to try to correct it. Not that I’m bitter, or anything. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/35 "2005-04-08T20:05:33Z")
> [@danceswithcats](#): > > Try undressing someone or being undressed without breaking eye contact. Is there any other way to undress/be undressed by someone? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/36 "2005-04-08T22:00:23Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Is there any other way to undress/be undressed by someone? 😉 Ever gotten your head stuck in your shirt while doing that? ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/37 "2005-04-08T23:04:13Z")
> [@Harimad-sol](#): > > Ever gotten your head stuck in your shirt while doing that? C’mon over-we’ll practice. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/38 "2005-04-08T23:08:56Z")
> [@danceswithcats](#): > > C’mon over-we’ll practice. 😉 I’ll wear something with buttons, just to be on the safe side. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![lizardling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f4b2a3/32.png) [@lizardling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lizardling)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2005, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000/39 "2005-04-08T23:32:25Z")
I have to look at people’s mouths so I can read their lips. Otherwise, I tend to avoid eye contact because I’m rather shy and talking to new people makes me go hot and cold and come over all funny. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/eye-contact-argh-or-dont-look-at-me/298000.md?page=1)